Self-Coaching: How to Heal Anxiety and Depression

273 Pages·2001·0.86 MB·English

by  Joseph J.

B u s i n e s s C u l i n a r y A r c h i t e c t u r e
C o m p u t e r G e n e r a l I n t e r e s t
C h i l d r e n L i f e S c i e n c e s B i o g r a p h y
A c c o u n t i n g F i n a n c e M a t h e m a t i c s
H i s t o r y S e l f - I m p r o v e m e n t H e a l t h
E n g i n e e r i n g G r a p h i c D e s i g n
A p p l i e d S c i e n c e s P s y c h o l o g y
I n t e r i o r D e s i g n B i o l o g y C h e m i s t r y
e
WILEY
B O O K
WILEY
JOSSEY-BASS
PFEIFFER
J.K.LASSER
CAPSTONE
WILEY-LISS
WILEY-VCH
WILEY-INTERSCIENCE
Luciani/FM 3/1/01 10:46 AM Page i
Self-Coaching
How to Heal Anxiety
and Depression
Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D.
John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
New York • Chichester • Weinheim • Brisbane • Singapore • Toronto
fcopyebk.qxd 3/27/01 8:35 AM Page ii
Copyright © 2001 by Joseph Luciani. All rights reserved
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Design and production by Navta Associates, Inc.
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assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
This title is also available in print as ISBN 0-471-38737-1.
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Luciani/FM 3/1/01 10:46 AM Page iii
Dedicated
to my wife, Karen
my son, Justin
and my daughter, Lauren
—my raison d’etre
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Contents
Acknowledgments vii
Introduction 1
Part I What Is Self-Coaching?
1. A New Self-Therapy 9
2. The Seven Principles of Self-Coaching Healing 19
Part II The Problems Self-Coaching Can Heal
3. Getting to the Root of Your Problem 27
4. Depression 37
5. Anxiety 50
6. The Control-Sensitive Personality 60
7. The Control-Insecurity Connection 74
Part III Self-Coaching: The Program and How to Do It
8. Self-Talk 87
9. The Three Easy Steps of Self-Talk 97
10. Self-Talk: Follow-through 114
11. Motivation 129
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Contents
Part IV Self-Coaching: Healing Specific Personality
Types
12. Self-Coaching for Worrywarts 141
13. Self-Coaching for Hedgehogs 152
14. Self-Coaching for Turtles 168
15. Self-Coaching for Chameleons 187
16. Self-Coaching for Perfectionists 206
17. Self-Coaching for Guilt-Sensitive People 224
Part V Self-Coaching for Life
18. Self-Coaching and Letting Go 245
Appendix: Training Log Format 253
Index 259
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Acknowledgments
Self-coaching began twenty-three years ago when my friend and men-
tor, Dr. Alan Gettis, introduced me to jogging and marathon running.
This experience provided the spark for seeing therapy in a less tradi-
tional way.
No one was more instrumental than Jane Rafal in helping with the
nuts and bolts of getting this book into print. Not only has Jane con-
tributed much editorially to this project, but she has become an ongo-
ing source of direction and hope. She is a valued friend and coach.
I had the good fortune to begin working with my agent, Jean Nag-
gar. As rough as my early project was, Jean was able to see its merit. An
agent of Jean’s caliber makes getting published seem easy.
My editor, Tom Miller, whose instincts are nothing less than
inspired, was able to take my proposal and steer it in the right direction.
Throughout these years of synthesis, there have been my patients.
Together we have struggled to find meaning and solace. The answers
we sought weren’t in the books lining my office shelves—they were an
inherent part of each struggle. To all my patients, I express a profound
gratitude for helping me see more clearly.
Finally there is my family. They serve as my anchor. My daughter
and fossil buddy Lauren’s zest for living shows how joyful life can be.
She is truly gifted with happiness, and an ongoing source of inspiration
for me. My son, Justin, like me, wants to know “why.” His innate
goodness and love for others have confirmed my belief in optimism.
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I’m also thankful to him for his daily emails of encouragement, support
and feedback, despite the rigors of his Princeton schedule. My wife,
Karen, has believed in me since we met in high school. She has never
allowed me to give up. There can be no greater gift than someone who
believes in you and loves you. She is my gift.
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Introduction
A
s far back as Joe can remember, he worried. When he was very
young, about five or six, he mostly worried about his parents dying. An
only child, Joe couldn’t imagine life without them. He worried in
school, too. What if he got into trouble or didn’t do well? Some things,
such as his parents dying, he couldn’t control. Other things, such as
school, he could.
At least he thought he could—until fourth grade. One morning, his
teacher saw Joe slouched over his desk and told him to lift his head up.
Joe was caught completely off guard. Hearing a few giggles, he got
upset. Then he panicked. If he raised his head to please the teacher, the
kids would surely see the tear that was rolling down his cheek. Joe did
nothing—he froze.
The teacher stalked to his desk and yanked his head up. Unfortu-
nately, Joe’s jaw clenched—right through his tongue. His mouth began
to bleed. The teacher, seeing the blood, lost control and violently
dragged Joe out of the classroom, tearing his shirt, screaming, and
slapping him along the way.
Panicked and terror stricken, Joe ran from the building. The bot-
tom had fallen out of his world. His worst nightmare had come true—
his teacher obviously wanted to kill him, his classmates saw him crying,
and his parents would surely be upset with him for messing up. (This
was, after all, the 1950s, when parents viewed schools as ultimate
authorities.) It was lunch time. Joe ran all the way home and managed
1