Secret Keeping: Overcoming Hidden Habits and Addictions

264 Pages·2006·1.64 MB·English

by  John Howard Prin

PRAISE FOR SECRET KEEPING
“A timely book! John Howard Prin takes the reader on a wonderfully exciting
journey of self-exploration and the development of personal insight. He provides
practical methods to free ourselves of our ‘hidden secrets’ so that ultimately we
can be at peace with who we are even when no one else is around.”
—Patrick DeChello, PhD,
author of Understanding Self-Injury
“John Howard Prin’s Secret Keeping is the first book I’ve read that explores the
origins and essence of secrets—how they help us and when they hurt us. Using
examples from his own life and the lives of others—from public figures to the
guy next door—Prin skillfully weaves a new quilt of understanding of the Jekyll
and Hyde in each of us. He also provides new and necessary hope with a series
of practical exercises we can use to transform ourselves and our world.”
—Terrence Daryl Shulman, JD, MSW, CAC,
author of Something for Nothing
“Recovery means escaping from the labyrinth of one’s own lies. John Prin’s
book on keeping secrets lays bare the essential connection between image
management and a ‘secret life.’ A useful, well-written book by someone who has
been there.”
—Patrick J. Carnes, PhD, author of Out of the Shadows
S E C R E T
K E E P I N G
S E C R E T
K E E P I N G
Overcoming Hidden Habits
and Addictions
JOHN HOWARD PRIN
NEW WORLD LIBRARY
NOVATO, CALIFORNIA
New World Library
14 Pamaron Way
Novato, California 94949
Copyright © 2006 by John Howard Prin All rights reserved. This book may not
be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in
any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, or other—without written
permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief
passages in a review.
The material in this book is intended for education. It is not meant to take the
place of diagnosis and treatment by a qualified medical practitioner or therapist.
No express or implied guarantee about the effects of using the recommendations
can be given, nor liability taken.
Case histories of individuals may be composites of two or more actual people,
and names have been changed to respect the privacy of those persons.
® ®
Secret Keepers and Secret Keeping are registered trademarks of John Howard
™
Prin. The Four Squares of Life is a trademark of John Howard Prin.
Brain diagram on page 12 by Robert Rath (www.robertrath.net) courtesy of
Deidre Combs.
Text design and typography by Tona Pearce Myers Library of Congress
Cataloging-in-Publication Data Prin, John Howard.
Secret keeping : overcoming hidden habits and addictions / by John Howard
Prin.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN-13: 978-1-57731-534-6 (pbk. : alk. paper) 1. Secrecy—Psychological
aspects. 2. Self-defeating behavior. 3. Compulsive behavior.
I. Title.
RC455.4.S43P75 2006
616.85’84—dc2
2006012255
2006012255
First printing, September 2006
ISBN-10: 1-57731-534-0
ISBN-13: 978-1-57731-534-6
Printed in Canada on acid-free, partially recycled paper Distributed by
Publishers Group West New World Library is a proud member of the Green
Press Initiative.
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
To Susie, whose loving patience and
support have never been a secret
CONTENTS

Introduction
PART 1.
THE SELF DIVIDED:
Problems and Consequences
CHAPTER 1. Who Are the Secret Keepers?
CHAPTER 2. What Are Unhealthy Secrets?
CHAPTER 3. How Secret Lives Seduce Us
CHAPTER 4. Where Our Secrets Stay Hidden
CHAPTER 5. Who Are You When Nobody Is Looking?
CHAPTER 6. Maximizing Pleasure, Minimizing Pain
CHAPTER 7. The Quest for Authenticity
CHAPTER 8. When Secret Keeping Goes Too Far
PART 2.
THE JOURNEY TOWARD WHOLENESS:
Solutions and Rewards
CHAPTER 9. Seeking the Help You Need
CHAPTER 10. Finding Your Motivation
CHAPTER 11. Preparing to Live Authentically
CHAPTER 12. Committing to Coming Clean
CHAPTER 13. Seeing the World through New Eyes
CHAPTER 14. Authenticity in a Messy World
CHAPTER 15. Transformation from Deep Within
CHAPTER 16. Your Recovery from Today On
Acknowledgments
Notes
Recommended Reading
Index
About the Author
INTRODUCTION
E
VERYONE KEEPS SECRETS.
Some people who keep secrets do not feel guilty, while others do.
It’s the second kind of people who keep secrets, those who feel guilt or
shame, that Secret Keeping: Overcoming Hidden Habits and Addictions is meant
for. In my career as a therapist and counselor, I’ve come to call these kinds of
®
people Secret Keepers . A Secret Keeper can be anyone from a housewife
hiding vodka bottles from her family to a compulsive gambler, a food addict, a
cybersex fanatic, or anyone who is secretly leading a double life.
Sometimes people just daydream about a taboo world, not acting on their
®
fantasies. This is secret keeping in its mildest form. If this describes you, relax.
This form is passive, benign—hardly a problem. Although this book will help
you, you’re not in major trouble. Think of yourself as a human being like
everybody else. We all dream of the forbidden, so be easy on yourself.
Other Secret Keepers go beyond musing about their fantasies to living them
out. They willingly take risks and consciously push boundaries that move them
toward something that is, or will become, a problem for them and for others.
This is secret keeping in its active form. It’s dynamic, volatile—and highly
problematic. Individuals who engage in this behavior stretch ethical, moral, and
relational boundaries in search of something that is missing in their lives, often
to escape some pain or hurt. If you think you fit this category, this book will help
you to climb out of the dark hole you’ve dug yourself into. It will urge you to
rethink your reasons for secret keeping and prompt you to examine your options,