Secret Guide To Computers 30th edition

2008·88.3 MB·English

by  Russ Walter

Just $20 The only book
ouch a deal! that covers all
Read these pages:
aL Se esc cy cecnaceaNsee as —— =
The top-rated computer fuforial
by NY Times, CBS News, Wall St. Journal, PC Magazine, PC World
by colleges, computer societies, and libraries worldwide
: includes Windows Vista, MS Office 2007, and predecessors
to become a total computer expert
5 training books in |
: Windows, Office, Works, Visual Basic, Digital Image
: Mac, Linux, Palm, Firefox, FileMaker
: providers, Web, Google, e-mail, HTML, JavaScript, seeret sites
: components, systems, discounts, do-it-yourself repairs, tune-ups
: industry boo-boos, geeking, photo/video, editing, your future
Free il from author
, day or night — he’s usually in
Find any fact fast :
See pages 3 and 567-373
© Donatedto ©
XL} Internet Archive by \4
‘\ Kay Savetz Pg:
Hi! I’m Russ, the only person foolish enough to waste a You can also visit my Internet site (www.SecretFun.com),
lifetime writing a computer book. Here it is. and I read all e-mail sent to [email protected]; but if you
Reviewers all over the world have declared this the best want me to chat and reply, phone me at 603-666-6644.
computer book — because it explains a// important computer
Try our sister
topics simply, thoroughly, candidly, and with a peppy pace to
save you time. This book lets you learn 5 times faster than if If you like this book, try our sister publication, Tricky Living.
you wander through other books or the Internet, where It takes you even further! It explains everything important about
explanations are sloppy. life beyond computers!
Unlike a “Dummies” book (which is written for dummies and
Mail the coupon
keeps them dumb) and a “standard textbook” (shoved at
overworked college students to bore them into snoring louder), Mail us the coupon on this book’s last page. It gets you
this book throws you into the action fast, training you to be our free Secret Brochure, plus discounts on extra copies of
competent and wise. It explains how to buy a computer, use its this edition, other editions, and Tricky Living.
operating systems & programs, and reprogram it to enhance its
Love your librarian
soul and your career.
This 30" edition is even better than its predecessors. Its 575 These detawiilll ssav e your librarian from getting fired:
pages are organized into 8 sections.
Title: The Secret Guide to Computers, 30" edition for 2008
Section "Page |
|A uthor & publisher: Russ Walter at 603-666-6644 (24 hours, usually in) |
Buyer's guide: jargon, buying hardware & software, dealers 1] | Rating: this is the top-rated computer book
| Operating systems: Windows Vista & classics, Macs, Linux, Palm 78 | |C opywrong: end of 2007 by Russ Walter
| Internet: ISPs, browsers, search engines, best sites, e-mail 143 | | ISBN: Internat. Standard Book Number is 978-0-939151-30-1
| Fixes: how to make your computer run faster & better 171 | | Street address: 196 Tiffany Lane, Manchester NH 03104-4782
| Word processing: MS Word 2007, MS Word classics, MS Works 200 | |I nternet addresses: www.SecretFun.com, [email protected]
Tricky applications: advanced MS Office, Web-page design, more 251: |
| Programming: QBasic, Visual Basic, JavaScript, Java, C++, more 369 | Elfish fun
| Management: computer industry’s mistakes, future, and resources 544
I wrote this book myself, but over the years I’ve been helped
Please help me by many elves, especially these:
| Irene Vassos & Len Pallazola wrote special pataptaphe in earlier editions.
Documenting the whole computer industry is as hard as
| Priscilla Grogan & Kira Barnum slavishly helped me for many years.
catching a greased pig: whenever | think I’ve finally caught the
| Donna Walter, my wife, still lets me have dates with my computers.
truth, the’ computer industry bolts ahead in a weird new
| Thousands of readers told me how to improve on earlier editions.
direction. Each time I finish an edition I must start writing the | Family & friends supported me when life got tough.
next, in endless frustration. If you have suggestions for the next
edition, please tell me. Dont read this
I wish this book weren’t needed. I wish computer companies
My editor told me to put this stuff in. You don’t have to read it.
would create pleasant hardware, software, and manuals; but
Dedication | dedicate this book to the computer, without
until they do, scribes like me are doomed to spend our lives
whom I’d be unemployed.
explaining the computer industry’s mistakes.
__ Acknowledgment| 'dl ike to thank:
Phone me
my many citnad (whose names I’ve gladly forgotten)
Whenever you have any questions about computers or life, | my students (who naturally aren’t my friends)
phone me in my New Hampshire home at 603-666-6644. |m y word processor (which has a mind of its own)
Phone day or night (around-the-clock, 24 hours). I’m usually all others who helped make this book impossible , e445!
in and sleep just lightly. (If no answer, I’m on an errand; try later.) IP dee specially like to thank: |
For advice about which computer to buy, read this book’s newest edition, | God (for influencing this book somehow)
then phone me. To cure an ill computer, phone when you're at the computer. | | Bill Gates (for making software confusing, so I get paid to explain it)
For help running a program, phone when you’re at the computer and have | | Adolph Hitler (for making my dad flee Germany and meet my mom)
the program’s official manual or disk. For help with your career or life, sob ] | buyers of previous editions (for funding this stupidity)
| before calling, then tell me what facts you want analyzed.
To handle many calls each day while juggling my other responsibilities as | Prerequisite This book was written for idiots. To see
an author and publisher, I try to keep the average call to 7 minutes. : whether you can get through the math, take this test: count to ten
Begin by saying your name, city, how you got my number (“from | but (here’s the catch!) without looking at your fingers. To
|the 30" edition”), and one-sentence summary of your question. | remove the temptation, cut them off.
Then we’ll have a pleasant chat — unless I’m in the middle of another call |
What this book will do for you \t’\| make you even
or meeting, in which case I'll call you back free!
richer than the author! Alas, he’s broke.
I answer most questions directly. If your question’s § too tricky
for a quick answer, I’1l teach you how to find the correct answer Apology Any original ideas in this book are errors.
yourself and which people and resources to use. I give you the Why the author was chosen The author was chosen to
path to the truth. Try me. I’m free. write this book because he’s naive enough to work for free.
Come visit Donation All profits from this book are donated to the
National Association for the Prevention of Idiocy, whose mission
Whenever you visit New Hampshire, you can drop in
is to prevent the author from writing such idiotic books.
and use my computer library, free. Drop in anytime: day or
night! But in case I’m having an orgy with my 30 computers, Copyright Copying this book is all right! Make as many
please phone first to pick a time when we’re cooled down. copies as you like, and don’t pay us a cent. Just follow the “free
reprints” instructions on page 9.
Forward because it’s too late to turn back!
Buyer’s guide 1
this book | Fixes
I hate to admit it, but occasionally computers break! They'll
break less often if you follow my tricks for maintenance; but
if you get unlucky, the chapter on repairs explains how to make
your computer work again. The Guide even explains how to
I apologize for writing this book. To write a “book” is
cure a computer that’s ill from viruses and how to avoid getting
horribly old-fashioned. “Books” were written mainly by
fuddy-duddy white men who died or should have, like tricked by hoaxes.
Billy Shakespeare, What the Dickens, and Thomas & Hardy. Word processing
Though doddering English teachers brag about books, all cool
The most popular thing to do with a computer is to make it
kids ignore books now and go on the Internet to read groovy
stuff (free!) about hot chicks and quips. replace your typewriter. That’s called “word processing”. The
A “book author” is an uncool purveyor of chopped-up dead word-processing chapter explains how to use the best word-
trees, an ecologically destructive beggar asking for royalties. processing programs: Microsoft Word 2007 (which performs
Though a British chain-smoking gal makes big bucks by the fanciest tricks), Microsoft Word classics (which are older
planting books about a Hairy Potter who scares kids, to titillate and still used by businesses), and Microsoft Works (which is
adults you gotta write an “Internet blog” or, better yet, post a easier to learn and costs less).
video on “YouTube” so millions of gawkers instantly admire your Tricky applications
funky face, like Paris Sheraton and Breast Needs Spears.
Penning this book to beg for bucks makes me untimely trash, The Guide explores even the trickiest applications. You learn
since every 30 minutes the world, like, totally changes. All how handle spreadsheets (tables of numbers) by using Excel
thoughts instantly become as outdated as “beta version 1.0”. and Works; pictures by using PowerPoint and photo-editing
Go laugh at me. When you stop laughing, I’ll be gone. Some programs, movies by using Windows Movie Maker and
wacko will post this stuff on the Internet, as my epitaph. Maybe Pinnacle Studio, desktop publishing (newsletters and signs)
you're reading it now. using Microsoft Publisher, Web-page design (using Angelfire,
Anyway, here’s what’s in this book.... HTML, and blogs), databases using Microsoft Access &
The Secret Guide to Computers is the world’s only complete FileMaker Pro & Works), accounting, games, and humanity.
computer tutorial. It covers everything important about computers.
Programming
Feast your eyes on the massive table of contents, splashed
across the next page. It reveals that the Guide includes all 8
parts of computer lore: buyer’s guide, operating systems, |a voiders (who fear and loathe computers and avoid them)
Internet, fixes, word processing, tricky applications, | users (who use computers but don’t really understand them)
programming, and management. | programmers (who understand computers and can teach them new tricks) _
Buyers guide The Guide elevates your mind to the heights of class 3: it turns
you into a sophisticated programmer.
The Guide begins by explaining computer technology, Since the Guide’s explanation of “Programming” expands
computer jargon, and how to buy a great computer cheaply. your understanding of computers so dramatically, don’t wait!
After giving you tricks for using this book, it explains how Start reading it the same day you start “Tricky applications” —
to shop for a computer. It analyzes each of the computer’s as if you were taking two courses simultaneously.
parts (the chips, disks, I/O devices, packaging, and software) To program the computer, you feed it instructions written in a
and tells you the best way to buy a complete system. computer language. The Guide explains all the popular
The Guide makes specific recommendations about which computer languages.
brands to buy and where to buy them. It explains the most The programming section begins with the easiest popular
common kind of computers (IBM-compatibles) and_ the language: Basic. The 110-page explanation teaches you
fascinating competitors from Apple, Palm, and competitors. It thoroughly about Basic’s quick free version (QBasic) and
delves into each manufacturer’s goodies and not-so-goodies and Basic’s Windows version (Visual Basic).
reveals nasty details that salespeople try to hide. It turns you Then you progress to JavaScript & JScript (for
into a German nun, who knows the difference between what’s programming the Internet easily), C & C++ (used by experts to
blessed and what’s wurst. create all popular programs for word processing, spreadsheets,
and databases), and Java (for advanced Internet programming).
Operating systems
A huge chapter analyzes 26 exotic languages and even
After getting a computer, you operate it by wiggling its includes a multilingual dictionary that helps you translate
mouse and typing on its keyboard. The Guide explains the programs to different computer languages. Finally, to top it all
popular operating systems: Windows (for modern IBM-compatible off, you learn how to program by using the most common
computers), the DOS command prompt (for all IBM- assembler.
compatible computers), the Mac OS (for Apple Macintosh
Management
computers), Linux (invented in Finland and beloved by the
world), and the Palm OS (for computers small enough to fit in Alas, the typical human is a lowly servant, managed by
the palm of your hand). bosses and computers. This section explains how to turn the
tables and become the manager yourself!
Internet
We members of the computer industry all have skeletons in
Computers all over the world have joined forces, to form the our closet. The Guide digs up our past, counsels you to
international network called the “Internet”. The Guide tells improve your career and your future, and gives you the
which providers can best attach your computer to the Internet. resources to accomplish that: a bibliography, phone book,
It also explains how to use the Internet’s most popular features: several indexes, and coupons for getting goodies. Wow!
you learn how to browse the Web and send & receive e-mail.
2 Buyer’s guide: using this book
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Buyer’s guide: using this book 3
Praised by reviewers _| / Personal Computing: “The Guide is bulging with information. You'll |
| enjoy it. Russ’s approach to text-writing sets a new style that other authors |
jmight do well to follow. It’s readable, instructive, and downright |
| entertaining. If more college texts were written in the Russ Walter style,
/ more college students would reach their commencement day.”
If you like this book, you’re not alone.
Creative Computing: “The Guide is fascinating, easy to understand, an
Praised by magazines |e xcellent book at a ridiculously low price. We especially endorse it.”
| Byte: “The Guide is amazing. If you need to understand computers and
All the famous computer magazines call Russ Walter the | haven’t had much luck at it, or have to teach other people about computers, |
“computer guru” and praise him for giving free consulting even / or just want to read a good book about computers, get the Guide.” .
in the middle of the night. Here’s how they evaluate The Secret
|C omputer Currents: “Your computer literacy quotient will always come |
Guide to Computers.
up short unless you know something about Russ. He’s a folk hero. He |
{PC World: “Russ is a PC pioneer, a trailblazer. the u1 ser’s cananptan: | knows virtually everything about personal computers and makes learning |
| Nobody does a more thorough, practical, and entertaining job of teaching | j about computers fun. If you’ve given up in disgust and dismay at reading -
PC technology. His incomparable Guide receives nothing but praise for its | |o ther computer books, get the Guide. It should be next to every PC in the |
| scope, wit, and enormous practicality. It offers a generous compendium of | {|c ountry. PC vendors would do themselves and their customers a big favor |
jindustry gossip, buying advice, and detailed, foolproof tutorials. It’s a | |b y packing a copy of the Guide with every computer that goes out the door. |
wonderful bargain.” | The Guide deserves the very highest recommendation.”
PC Magazine: “The Guide explains the computer industry, hardware, | |A bacus: “Alternative-culture Russ provides the best current treatment of |
languages, operating systems, and applications in a knowledgeable and| | programming languages. It’s irreverent, reminiscent of the underground
amusing fashion. It includes Russ’s unbiased view of the successes and | | books of the 1960’s. It’s simple to read, fast-paced, surprisingly complete, |
failures of various companies, replete with inside gossip. By working your | | full of locker-room computer gossip, and loaded with examples.”
| way through it, youll know more than many who make their living with |
:T he Whole Earth Catalog in its “Coevolution Quarterly”: “The personal- |
| PCs. Whether novice or expert, youll learn from the Guide and have a | | computer subculture was noted for its fierce honesty in its early years. The |
| good time doing so. No other computer book is a better value.” |
| Guide is one of the few intro books to carry on that tradition, and the only'
| Christian Computing Magazine: “The Guide is the most comprehensive | |i ntroductory survey of equipment that’s kept up to date. Russ jokes, bitches, |
| reference in the industry. What planet is Russ from? It must be a planet | lenthuses, condemns, and charms. The book tells the bald truth in’
populated with nice people. You’ll learn more from the Guide than from | |c omprehensible language.”
any 10 computer books you’ve ever read. To say this book is |
| Omni: “Guru Russ sympathizes deeply with people facing a system crash at.
‘comprehensive’ is a staggering understatement: nothing else in the |
| midnight, so he broadcasts his home phone number and answers calls by |
| industry even comes close. It’s worth triple what the author charges for it.” |
|t he light of his computers, cursors winking. He’s considered an excellent |
| Infoworld: “Russ is recognized and respected in many parts of the country | | teacher. His Guide is utterly comprehensive.”
as a knowledgeable and effective instructor. His Guide is readable, |
|Cider Press: “The Guide should be given to all beginners with the
outrageous, and includes a wealth of information.” |p urchase of their computers.”
Scientific American: “The Guide is irresistible. Every instruction leads to |
| Softalk: “The Guide fires well-deserved salvos at many sacred cows. It’s.
| a useful result. Walter’s candor shines; he makes clear the faults and foibles | | long been a cult hit.”
| others ignore or cast in vague hints. The effect is that of a private |
| conversation with a well-informed talkative friend who knows the inside | | Computer Bargain Info: “The Guide is widely acclaimed by experts as brilliant.” }
story. The text reads like the patter of a talented disc jockey; it’s flip, self- | | Mac User: “It’s an everything-under-one-roof computer technology guide.”
| deprecatory, randy, and good-humored. His useful frank content and | | Eighty Micro: “Theatrical, madcap Russ is a cult hero.”
coherent style are unique. First-rate advice on what and how to buy are part | | Interface Age: “The Guide is a best buy.”
of the rich mix. No room holding a small computer and an adult learning to | | Enter: “It’s the best book about computer languages.”
use it is well equipped without the Guide.” | Microcomputing: “Plan ahead; get in on the Secret now.”
Compute: “Russ ii s an industry leader.”
Kiplinger’s Personal Finance: “Russ is a computer whiz whose mission is |
to educate people about computers. Like a doctor, he lets strangers call him | Praised by librarians
jin the middle of the night for help with diagnosing a sick computer. His |
Guide covers everything you ever wanted to know.” Librarians caltlh e Guide the best computer book ever written. —
|C omputer Shopper: “The Guide covers the entire spectrum. It’s incredibly | :S chool Library Journal: “The Guide is a gold mine of information. It’ s|
{ informative and amusing.” | crystal clear, while at the same time Russ delivers a laugh a paragraph
| along with a lot of excellent info. It’s accessible even to kids, who will love |
| Computerworld: “The Guide by unconventional computer guru Russ is
) its loony humor. Buy it; you’ll like it.”
informative and entertaining.”
| wilson Library Bulletin: “The Guide is distinguished by its blend of |
Technology and Learning: “Russ’s courses are intensive and inexpensive.”
| clarity, organization, and humor. It cuts through the techno-haze. It packs |
| Esquire: “The handy Guide contains lots of fact and opinion untainted by bias.” | more simple, fresh explication per page than anything else available.”
| Barron’s: “Russ is an expert who answers questions for free and has been | | BookLovers Review: “It’s the best computer intro you can buy. It’s a.
inundated by calls.” i miracle. It’s a must-have tutorial and reference book for beginners and |
The Guide’s earlier editions were praised by the classic | experienced users alike. Almost everything important in the computing |
magazines. i world is covered here. If you can think of a question about computers —
j} any question that really matters — your question is likely answered in this |
Popular Computing: “Russ is king of the East Coast computer | | enormous book.”
cognoscenti. His Guide is the biggest bargain in computer tutorials in our |
|N et BookWatch: “Many experts around the world agree this is the best|
| hemisphere. If CBS ever decides to replace Andy Rooney with a ‘60 Minutes’ |
single intro to computers. It’s well organized, easy to understand, |
computer pundit, they’d need to look no further than Russ Walter. His wry |
|c omprehensive, interesting, and updated. Complex subjects are explained |
Walterian observations enliven nearly every page of his book. His Guide is |
j expertly, and there’s no difficult-to-understand paragraph in the whole |
| the first collection of computer writings that one might dare call literature.”
| book. With Walter as your guide, learning about hardware, software, and|
the Internet isn’t a chore: it’s pure fun. The Guide is essential reading for|
beginners, intermediate users, and professionals.”
4 Buyer’s guide: using this book
Praised by computer societies Praised around the world
Computer societies, in their newsletters, newspapers, and The Guide is praised by newspapers around the world.
_magazines, call the Guide the best computer book.
| Australia’s “Sydney Morning Herald”: “The Guide is the best computer
| Boston Computer Society: “The Guide is cleverly graduated, outrageous, | j intro published anywhere in the world. It gives a total overview of personal
j and funny. Russ turns computerese into plain speaking, while making you j computers. It’s stimulating, educational, provocative, and a damn good
| giggle. He’s years ahead of the pack claiming to have ways of instructing read.”
jcomputer novices. His unique mix of zany humor and _ step-by-step
The Australian: “The Guide’s coverage of programming is intelligent,
| instruction avoids the mistakes of manuals that attempt to follow his lead.” |
urbane, extremely funny, and full of great ideas.”
Connecticut Computer Society: “Russ’s books have been used by
England’s “Manchester Guardian”: “Russ is a welcome relief. The
jinsiders for years. He’s special as a teacher because of 3 factors: his
internationally renowned computer guru tries to keep computerdom’s
jcomprehensive knowledge of many computers and their languages,
honesty alive. His Guide’s an extraordinary source of information.”
j operating systems, and applications; his ability to break complicated
| processes into the smallest components; and his humor. A valuable feature | | Silicon Valley’s “Times Tribune”: “The Guide invites you to throw aside
j of the Guide is his candid comments about various computers and software. all rules of conventional texts and plunge into the computer world entirely
| He’s one of the few people able to review languages, machines, and {naked and unafraid. This book makes learning not only fun, but hilarious,
software, all in a humorous, clear manner, with the whole endeavor set off | | inspiring, and addicting.”
by his sense of industry perspective, history, and culture. If you’re ever
| Dallas Times Herald: “Easily the best beginners’ book seen, it’s not just
1 struck with a computer problem, give Russ a call.” |
jfor beginners. Its strength is how simple it makes everything, without
New England Computer Society: “Russ is considered one of the few true | sacrificing what matters.”
| computer gurus. His Guide is the world’s best tutorial. It’s the single best
| Detroit News: “Russ is a legendary teacher. His fiercely honest Guide
| present anyone could receive who cares to know more about computers |
j packs an incredible amount of info. It’s the only book that includes
4 without going crazy.”
jeverything. He gives you all the dirt about the companies and their
| New York’s “NYPC”: “The Guide is the perfect text for anyone beginning | ‘ hardware, evaluates their business practices, and exposes problems they try
to learn about computers because it contains real info in readable form | to hide. Phone him. You’ll always get a truthful answer.”
j about a range of subjects otherwise requiring a whole reference library. It’s |
Chicago Tribune: “The Guide is the best computer book. It’s a cornucopia
j even better for the experienced computer user, since it also contains many, |
| of computer delights written by Russ, a great altruist and dreamer.”
j many advanced concepts that one person could hardly remember. But one
person apparently remembered them all: Russ. He’s a fountain of computer | Kentucky’s “Louisville Courier”: “Russ’s Guide will teach you more
knowledge and can even explain it in words of one syllable. His Guide | computer fundamentals than the thick books in the average bookstore. The |
| reads like a novel: you can read simply for fun. It’s recommended to anyone | Guide gives his no-bull insights. He not only discusses computer mail-order
| from rank beginner to seasoned power user.” | | sources, which most books avoid; he names the bad guys. The Guide’s
| biggest appeal is its humor, wit, and personality.”
| Texas’s “Golden Triangle PC Club”: “Buy this book! You’ll be glad! The |
j marvelous Guide explains just about all computer topics in a way anyone | | Florida’s “Hometown News”: The Guide is thoroughly entertaining. It
jcan understand. In these days of voice mail and email as the only way to brings intimidating technical issues down to everyday language. And boy, |
{reach tech support, it’s amazing you can call this author for help and he’ll } | does it cover the topics! Everything from old systems to new modern-day |
jactually talk with you when you call. With this book, you’re getting workhorses is hit upon. Hardware, software, operating systems, networking
jextreme value for minimal cost. Russ is famous for his comprehensive | | — just about all topics are covered clearly. If you’re looking for a book that
i knowledge of computers, his ability to simplify complicated processes, and touches on just about every aspect of computers and is easy for non-
his wry wit. Reading the Guide’s a joy. He translates highly technical technical people to read, the Guide’s for you.”
| material into easily understandable language. He’s the finest example of the
Philadelphia Inquirer: “Russ is the Ann Landers for computer klutzes, a
preeminent computer professional. He’s condensed so much material in a high-tech hero. His wacky, massive Guide is filled with his folksy wit.”
j way that never seems disorganized or cluttered. Anyone working with or
interested in computers will find this book a must-have. The Guide stands New Jersey’s “Asbury Park Press”: “Most computer books, especially
above the crowd of computer books that just can’t compete.” the good ones, are expensive — except the best one. The best computer
| book is the Guide. It’s the only book that covers just about everything in
| Sacramento (California) PC Users Group: “The Guide is the best computers.”
{collection of computer help ever written. It includes just about everything
lyou’d want to know about computers. You’ll find answers for all the | New York Times: “The computer-obsessed will revel in Russ’s Guide. He
| questions you thought of and some you didn’t think of. No holds barred, | covers just about every subject in the microcomputer universe. It’s unlikely
| Walter even tells you who in the industry made the mistakes and rotten you have a question his book doesn’t answer.”
‘] computers, and who seemed to succeed in spite of themselves. The Guide is / Wall Street Journal: “Russ is a computer expert, a guru who doesn’t mind
| fascinating. It’s recommended for anyone even slightly interested in | phone calls. He brings religious-like fervor to the digital world. His
| computers.” students are grateful. His Guide gets good reviews. He’s influential.”
|T ucson (Arizona) Computer Society: “Wonderful stuff! Recommended. | | Connecticut’s “Hartford Courant”: “If you plan to buy a personal |
Very well done.” | computer, the best gift to give yourself is the Guide. It’s crammed with info.
| It became an instant success as one of the few microcomputer books that
was not only understandable and inexpensive but also witty — a
{ combination still too rare today.”
| New Hampshire's “Hippo”: “Very impressive.”
Boston Globe: “Russ is a unique resource, important to beginning and
j advanced users. His Guide is practical, down-to-earth, and easy to read.”
1 Boston Phoenix: “Russ has achieved international cult status. He knows
his stuff, and his comprehensive Guide’s a great deal.”
Buyer’s guide: using this book 5
Walking encyclopedia “Your Guide really helps. I work
with a great programmer who’s like a walking computer
encyclopedia. Now I know what he’s saying!” (San Leandro,
California)
Muscle in“So many computer experts speak a language all
From our readers, we’ve received thousands of letters and
their own. They look down on us and consider us to be outsiders
phone calls, praising us. Here are some recent examples.
trying to muscle our way into their world. Thanks for helping
Intoxicated the outsiders.” (New Iberia, Lousiana)
Our books make readers go nuts. Facing fear “Thank you! I’m 42, married to a computer
guru, with two daughters who’ve been in front of a computer
Get high “I\'m high! Not on marijuana, crack, or cocaine,
since first grade. Finally, I feel that I can face my fear and that
but on what I did at my computer with Basic and your Guide.”
I’m not alone.” (Malvern, Pennsylvania)
(Beverly, Massachusetts)
Granny clammy “I’m a 58-year-old grandma. My
otrange laughs “| enjoy the Guide immensely! My fellow
daughter gave me a PC. After weeks of frustration I got your
workers think I’m strange because of all my laughing while
Guide. Now I’m happy as a clam at high tide, eager to learn
reading it. Whenever I feel tired or bored, I pick up the Guide.
more & more. Wow!” (Seattle)
It’s very refreshing!” (Acton, Massachusetts)
Moment of discovery “After retiring, | searched for
Foo -poo “| finished the book at 2:30 AM and had to sit
something to stimulate my mind. I bought a computer and tried
down and send you a big THANK-YOU-poo. A poet I am not,
to unravel its mysteries. The more I studied big books bought
crazy I was not, until I started 18 months ago with this computer
from computer stores, the more confused I became. Then I
and then came poo who sealed my lot.” (Hinesville, Georgia)
stumbled across the Guide. At that precise moment I discovered
Computer dreams “Wow — | loved your book. My
the beautiful, crazy, wild world of the computer! Thanks.”
husband says I talk about computers in my sleep.” (Los Altos (Tewksbury, Massachusetts)
Hills, California)
Bury the Book of Songs “This is the microcomputer
Bedtime story “The book’s next to the bed, where my book that should be buried in a time capsule for future
wife and I can see who grabs it first. The loser must find archaeologists. By reading it, I’ve made my computer sing. My
something else to do, which often causes serious degradation of wife recognizes the melodies and wants to read the book.” (Park
reading comprehension.” (Danville, New Hampshire) Forest, Illinois)
Love in Faris “If you ever come to Paris, give me a call. Experts
I'll be more than happy to meet the guy I admire most in the
computer industry.” (Paris) Experts love the Guide.
ex “Great book. Better than sex.” (Worcester, Massachusetts) PE _Week reporter “I write for PC Week and think the
Guide is the best book of its kind. I’m sending a copy to my
Devil “This book is great. It moves like the fastest Mac,
little brother, who’s a budding byte-head.” (Boston)
soars with the eagles, and dances with the devil.” (Chicago)
Editor at Lotus “Thanks so much for sending the Guide.
God “I’m a Russy groupie now! You are God! Your book
It’s great! Seems I’m the only one here in my office at Lotus
lets me put it all together.” (San Diego)
who hadn’t heard about it. You’ve got quite a following. Again,
National TV “Great! When are you going on national TV?
thanks!” (Cambridge, Massachusetts)
America needs you!” (Berkeley, California)
Math professor “I’m a math professor. The Guide’s the
National debt “1 think you do a fabulous job with
best way in the universe to keep up to date with computers.
computers! You should be in Washington & organize our
People don’t have to read anything else — it’s all there.” (New
country, and maybe we could be debt-free.” (Tavares, Florida) York City) |
Beginners Diehard mainframer “It is really neat! I’ve been a
mainframe computer consultant for many years, and when your
Even beginners can master the Guide.
book came yesterday I couldn’t put it down.” (Cleveland
Godsend “You're a godsend. You saved me from being
Heights, Ohio)
bamboozled by the local computer store.” (Boston) Refreshed programmers “IT passed the Guide around
Saint “You should be canonized for bringing clarity and my team of mainframe programmers, and most of them bought.
humor to a field often incomprehensible and dull.” (Houston)
It’s so refreshing, after the parched dryness of IBM-ese, to find a
Companion to the lonely “Your book’s a nice book in English!” (Union, New Jersey)
companion when I’m alone, because it talks. It answers more search center “Our research center uses and misuses
questions than I can ask.” (Carson, California)
gigabytes of computers. The Guide will improve our use/misuse
Computer disease “| was scared to go near a computer. | ratio.” (Naperville, Illinois)
thought I might catch something. Now I can’t wait.” (Paterson,
New Jersey)
Face-off “I used to be an idiot. Now I can stare my
computer in the face. Thanks.” (San Antonio, Texas)
Amaze the _p rotessor “| love the Guide! I’ve read it
before taking a programming course, and I’m amazing my
professor with my secret skills!” (Olney, Illinois)
6 Buyer’s guide: using this book
Careers Pass -alongs
The Guide’s propelled many careers. Readers pass the Guide to their friends.
Land a first fob “Last month, I bought your Guide. I’ve Round the office “Send 150 books. I passed my Guide
never seen so much info, packed so densely, in so entertaining a around the office, and just about everyone who saw it wants
read. I was just offered a computer job, thanks to a presentation copies.” (Middleburg Heights, Ohio)
based on your Guide. I’m very, very, very happy I bought your
Coordinating the coordinators “Your book is
book.” (San Francisco)
amazing! I’m telling the other 50 PC coordinators in my
Land a top job “Thanks to the Guide, I got an excellent company to be sure they’re in on the secret. Bless you for your
job guiding the selection of computers in a department of over magnanimous philosophy!” (Morristown, New Jersey)
250 users!” (New York City)
Hide your secrets “I thought the Guide marvelous and
Found Wall Street “8 years ago, I took your intro proudly displayed it on my desk. A friend from South Africa
programming course. Now I run the computer department of a saw it and said our friendship depended on letting her take it
Wall Street brokerage firm. I’m responsible for 30 people and home with her. What could I do? You’ve gone international. I’m
millions of dollars of computer equipment. The Guide’s always ordering another copy. Should I hide the book this time?”
been my foremost reference. Thank you for the key to (Cinnaminson, New Jersey)
wonderful new worlds.” (Long Beach, New York) Cries and anger “| made the mistake of letting several
Consultants dream “Inspired by your book, your love friends borrow my copy of the Guide. Each time I tried getting it
for computers, and your burning desire to show the world that back, it was a battle. (I hate to see grown people cry.) I promised
computers are fun and easily accessible, | entered the computer to order them copies of their own. I delayed several months, and
field. Now I’m a computer consultant. Your ideas come from the now I’ve got an angry mob outside my door. While you process
heart. Thanks for following your dream.” (Skokie, Illinois) my order, I’ll try pacifying them by reading aloud.” (Winston-
Salem, North Carolina)
Kid who grew up “Years ago, I saw you sell books while
wearing a wizard’s cap. I bought a book and was as impressed Round the house “Dad bought your Guide to help him
as a 16-year-old could be. Now I’ve earned B.A.’s in Computer understand my computer. It’s become the most widely read book
Science and English, and I’m contemplating teaching computers in our house. We love it!” (Boca Raton, Florida)
to high school students. I can think of no better way to plan a oquabble with Dad “1 love the Guide. Dad & I squabble
course outline than around your Guide.” (Pennington, New Jersey)
over our only copy. Send a second so I| can finish the Guide in
Better late than never peace.” (New York City)
Change my brother “The Guide changed my computer
Readers wish they’d found the Guide sooner.
scorn & fear to interest. Send my brother a copy, to effect the
/ year “| learned more from the Guide than from a year in
same transformation.” (New York City)
the computer industry.” (Redwood City, California)
Selling clones “| took the Guide to a meeting and used
5 years “|’ve fumbled for 5 years with computers and many your words as a reason why the group should buy an IBM PC
books, all with short-lived flashes of enthusiasm, until I found clone instead of the other computer they were looking at. It
your Guide. It’s the first book that showed a light at the end of
worked.” (Sparks, Nevada)
the tunnel, even for one as dull-brained as I.” (Boise)
Make your guru giggle “| showed the Guide to my
!7_years “Though in a computer company for 17 years, I guru. Between laughs, chuckles, and guffaws, he agreed to use it
didn’t learn anything about computers until I began reading the to teach his high-school computer class. He even admitted he’d
Guide. I love it! I always thought computer people were learned something, and that’s the most unheard of thing I ever
generically boring, but your book’s changed my mind.” heard of.” (Arivaca, Arizona)
(Hopkinton, Massachusetts)
Smarter sales reps “Our company just released its first
Prince Charming arrives “Where have you been all my software product, and our sales reps are panic-stricken. I’m
~ life? I wish I’d heard of your Guide long ago. I’d have made far giving them the Guide to increase their computer background.
fewer mistakes if it had been here alongside my computer.” Thanks for a super book.” (Pittsburgh)
(White Stone, Virginia)
Advancing secretar“|y’m ordering an extra copy for my
Hack a Mae “Great book. I’m 14 and always wanted to
secretary, to start her on the path to a higher paying and better
hack. Thanks to your Guide, I laughed myself to death and look regarded position.” (Belleville, Illinois)
forward to gutting my Mac. Yours is the friendliest, funniest
Compared with other publishers
book on computers I’ve seen. I’m finally going to teach my
parents Basic. If I’d started out with the Guide, I’d have saved 5
The Guide’s better than any other book.
years of fooling around in the dark.” (Northport, Alabama)
Better than lo “I \earned more from your Guide than
from a total of 10 books read previously.” (Honolulu)
No big bueks “Your book is great! Its crazy style really
keeps the pages turning. I appreciate someone who doesn’t try
to make big bucks off someone trying to learn. Thanks.”
(Vancouver, Washington)
Ki-po f f “If you can break even at your book’s low price,
lots of guys are ripping us off.” (Choctaw, Oklahoma)
Buyer’s guide: using this book 7
Junior Jews Russ resembles a computer in many ways.
For example, both are Jewish.
_ Who are we?
The modern computer was fathered by John von Neumann, a
Jew of German descent. After living in Hungary, he fled the
Nazis and became a famous U.S. mathematician.
This section reveals who we are — even if you’d rather not know. Russ’s father was Henry Walter, a German Jew who fled the
Interview with Russ Nazis and became a famous U.S. dental salesman. To dentists,
he sold teeth, dental chairs, and balloons to amuse kids.
In this interview, Russ explains what’s behind this book.
The race for brains To try outsmarting the computer,
Why did you write the Secret Guide? | saw my Russ got his bachelor’s degree in math from Dartmouth in
students trying too hard to take notes, so I made my own notes yummy ’69 and sadly stayed a bachelor for many years.
to hand them. Over the years, my notes got longer, so this 30" He got an M.A.T. in math education from Harvard. Since he
edition totals 575 pages. Each time I develop a new edition, I try went to Harvard, you know he’s a genius. Like most genii, he
to make it the kind of book I wish I had when / was a student. achieved the high honor of being a junior-high teacher. After his
What does the Gwuide cover? Everything about classes showered him with the Paper Airplane Award, he moved
computers. Every computer topic is touched on, and the most on to teach at a private school for exclusive girls. (“Exclusive”
important topics are covered in depth. means everyone can come except you.)
After teaching every grade from 2 through 12 (he taught the
Who reads the Guide? A\l sorts. Kids read it because
2"™_orade girls how to run the computer but the 12" graders less
it’s easy; computer professionals read it because it contains lots
intellectual things), he fled reality by joining Wesleyan
of secret tidbits you can’t find anywhere else.
University’s math Ph.D. program in Connecticut’s Middletown
Why do you charge so Sittle?\’m not trying to make a
(the middle of Nowhere), where after 18 months of highbrow
profit. I’m just trying to make people happy — by charging as hoopla he was seduced by a computer to whom he’s now
little as possible, while still covering expenses. Instead of happily married.
“charging as much as the market will bear”, I try to “charge so
Married life After the wedding, Russ moved with his
little the public will cheer”.
electrifying wife to Boston’s Northeastern University, where he
Do_you really answer _the phone 24 hours? did a hilarious job of teaching in the naughty Department of
When do you sleep? When folks call in the middle of the “Graphic Science”. After quitting Northeastern and also
night, I wake up, answer their questions, then go back to bed. editorship of Personal Computing, he spends his time now
I’m near the phone 85% of the time. If you get no answer, I’m happily losing money by publishing this book.
out on an errand, so please call again. To provide company for his lonely wife, he bought her 40
Why do you give phone help free? Are you a computers, hid them in a van, and drove them around the
masochist a saint or a nut?| give free help for 3 country, where they performed orgies and did a strip tease, to
reasons: to be a nice guy, to keep in touch with readers (who show students a thing or two about computer anatomy. Banned
suggest improvements), and to make callers happy enough so in Boston, Russ and his groupies moved north, to Somerville,
they’ll tell their friends about me (so I don’t have to advertise). until it became an overpriced slumville in 1998, so they moved
further north, to New Hampshire, called “the granite state”,
At_computer shows, you appear as a witch? \’ve
since Russ has rocks in his head.
been known to wear a witch’s black hat and red kimono over a
That year, Russ became a bigamist: though still married to a
monk’s habit and roller skates, while my white gloves caress an
computer, he also married a human, who’s a Chinese
African spear. Why? Because it’s fun!
philosopher even stranger than Russ. The couple is called
Did you write the whole Guide yourself? Yes,
“Russy-poo old and Egg-foo young.”
except that I was helped by many suggestions from my readers,
Kuss‘ body Here are Russ’s stats, from head totoe:
friends, and staff. They contributed some examples and phrases.
Two research assistants (Irene Vassos and Len Pallazola) head in the clouds, hair departing, brow beaten, eyes glazed, lashes 40, |
contributed some complete paragraphs and definitions. jnose to the grindstone, mouth off, smile bionic, tongue bitten,
| teeth remembered, cheeks in a royal flush, chin up, shoulders burdened,
What's your background? | got degrees in math & | wrists watched, hands some, thumbs up, heart all, back got everyone on it,
education from Dartmouth & Harvard, taught at several colleges | buns toasted, knees knocked, heeled well, arches gothic, toes stepped on
(Wellesley, Wesleyan, and Northeastern), and was a founding
He wears a stuffed shirt, slick slacks, and sacramental socks —
editor of Personal Computing magazine. But most of my very holy!
expertise comes from spending many hours every day reading
Kuss‘ résumé We told Russ to write this book because
computer books and magazines, discussing computer questions
when he handed us this résumé, we knew he was the kind of
on the phone, and analyzing the computer industry’s philosophy.
author that publishers dream about: nuts enough to work for free!
About the so-called author
| Age: too. Sex: yes! Race: rat. Religion: Reformed Nerd.
| Address: wear pants instead. State: distressed.
Since the author is so lifeless, we can keep his bio mercifully short.
) Father: time. Mother: earth. Spouse: Brussels.
Birth of a notion The author, Russy-poo, was conceived Occupation: vegetable. Career goal: play dead.
in 1946. So was the modern (“stored-program’’) computer. | Hobbies: sleeping and crying. Sports: dodging tomatoes.
Nine months later, Russy-poo was hatched. The modern Greatest pleasure: hiding under the sink. Favorite food: thought.
Humor: less.
computer took a few years longer, so Russ got a head start. But
the computer quickly caught up. Ever since, they’ve been racing About our headquarters
against each other, to see who’s smartest.
The race is close, because Russ and the computer have so Come visit our Home Office, in Russ’s home. It includes our
much in common. Folks say the computer “acts human” and say Production Department, near or in Russ’s bed. Russ gave birth
Russ’s personality is “as a dead as a computer”. to this book himself; nobody else would dare!
8 Buyer’s guide: using this book