San Francisco Bay Guardian Issue 47.14

2013·15.2 MB·English

by  San Francisco Bay Guardian

CAUGHT IN THE ACT BIGGER THAN BIGELOW OSCAR PICKS
The year in arts photography P18 ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ courts controversy P21 Cheryl Eddy names her faves P17
CELEBRATING 46 YEARS
THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY GUARDIAN | SFBG.COM
JJAANNUUAARRYY 22 -- 88,, 22001133 || VVOOLL.. 4477,, NNOO.. 1144 || FFRREEEE
W
HITE GUARDIAN ILLUSTRATION
ME BY DANNY HELLMAN
N
BBEEHHAAVVIINNGG BBAADDLLYY
Presenting our annual Off-Guard Awards for the worst
moments of 2012. By Tim Redmond PAGE 9
www.sfbg.com/mission-guide
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In association with the Mission Merchants:
Brava Theater Center presents: The Latin Jazz Youth Ensemble
Wifi
This old school theater in the Mission District is still going strong since Brava! For
Women in the Arts purchased the shuttered York Theater in 1996. Since then they
Hot tub
have consistently showcased vibrant playwrights and musicians with an eye to
the feminist, the culturally diverse, and the provocative. Returning to the Brava
near Heavenly
Theater is The Latin Jazz Youth Ensemble for an alumni concert and fundraiser.
“Far from a kiddie show,” these talented musicians have just released a CD of
nine original tunes that feature legendary percussionist Armando Peraza and
other Latin jazz luminaries. Don’t miss this exciting concert that supports the Latin www.tahoehouse.net • 415-505-2525
Jazz Youth Ensemble of San Francisco. The proceeds benefi t the scholarship
program and helps keep it free-of-charge to all students.
Saturday, January 5 @ Brava Theater Center, 2781 24th St., SF • brava.org
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2 SAN FRANCISCO BAY GUARDIAN EDITORIALS NEWS FOOD + DRINK PICKS ARTS + CULTURE MUSIC LISTINGS STAGE LISTINGS ON THE CHEAP FILM LISTINGS CLASSIFIEDS
EDITORIALS NEWS FOOD + DRINK PICKS ARTS + CULTURE MUSIC LISTINGS STAGE LISTINGS ON THE CHEAP FILM LISTINGS CLASSIFIEDS JANUARY 2 - 8, 2013 / SFBG.COM 3
JAN. 2, 2013 “WE CANNOT RELY ON ICE TO RUN THE PROGRAM.” – ASSEMBLYMEMBER TOM AMMIANO
FIGHTING THE DEPORTATIONS deported since the program started — and 70 percent of those were
never convicted of a serious crime.
By any standard, 2012 was a bad year for US immi- On Dec. 21, ICE issued new guidelines for the
grants. Not only was immigration reform largely program, prioritizing people convicted of felonies
missing from the presidential campaigns, but or multiple misdemeanors — but that, advocates
the Obama administration deported a record say, is just a sign that the program is a failure.
GUARDIAN number of people, surpassing even Immigration “The program has actually jeopardized public
and Customs Enforcement projections. ICE safety by undermining community policing pro-
kicked 409,849 people out of the grams that rely on cooperation between local law
INTELLIGENCE country, largely because of the enforcement and the communities they serve,”
Secure Communities program, said Assemblymember Tom Ammiano, who just
or S-Comm, which directs introduced a new version of his TRUST Act. The
What you local police to hold for ICE bill, AB 4, would prevent ICE holds on people who
action anyone arrested are arrested, but not convicted of a crime. “We have
need to know (for anything) who learned is that we cannot rely on ICE to run the pro- WALK. OR DON’T
the cops think might be gram as they have promised,” Ammiano said. “We
WALK. THE BUTTON
in the country illegally. must implement the TRUST Act to reign in the abuses
In California, 80,000 that have taken place.” DOESN’T CARE.
people have been Gov. Jerry Brown vetoed an earlier
MOURNING ALL
version of the bill.
The New York Daily News had an
THE CHILDREN
interesting story in November
GUARDIAN PHOTO
BY MIKE KOOZMIN/ about the city’s pedestrian traf-
The horrifying shootings in SF NEWSPAPER CO. fic buttons — you know, the little
Newtown, Connecticut have gun TOM AMMIANO things you push when you want to
advocates and the politicians who walk across the street. Turns out
serve them up against the wall. most of them don’t do anything at
But when the TV cameras move MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM MICROSOFT all. Which makes sense these days
on, and Newtown drops out of the — urban traffic is carefully con-
headlines, there will still be a grisly trolled with timed street signals,
Christmas morning was a happy moment for a fifth grader we know, until
carnage in this country — and it and the odds that New York is going
she set up her brand new laptop with Windows 8 — and discovered that it
will get far less press coverage. to let the average ped mess it up
won’t let her use Skype to call her grandparents.
Every year, many, many more by pushing a button are, as they
See, Windows 8 pretty much forces you to set up a Microsoft account,
children die of gunshot wounds say, slim and none. But it made us
and you can’t take full advantage of the operating system gimmicks unless
than any single serial killer has ever wonder: Can a pedestrian in San
you do. To create an account you have to give Microsoft your name, home
murdered. In 2011, for example, Francisco actually stop traffic by
address, email address — and age. And if you’re honest and you give an
565 people younger than 18 were pushing a button on the sidewalk?
age lower than 12, you’re SOL.
killed by guns, and 119 of them Well, in some cases (near
That’s because you can’t use Skype with Windows 8 without going
were under 12. Another 129 died Golden Gate Park, on Van Ness
through your Microsoft account — and you can’t have a Microsoft account
in gun accidents, and 749 com- and Market) the answer is yes,
that allows you to use Skype unless you’re at least 12. (You can, of course,
mitted suicide with a gun. That’s Paul Rose, spokesperson for the
access all sorts of nasty stuff on the web; just not Skype. And there are, of
according to FBI and Centers for Municipal Transportation Agency,
course, parental controls that block, say, porn sites — but not that allow
Disease Control statistics. told us. And many other signals
Skype.)
The US leads the developed have audible beeps to give the
Oh, and since the Win8 setup wants you to use your Microsoft account
world in gun-related deaths, but its visually impaired information
— and thus your email — as your primary computer login, if that email
role extends further. As Tiny, the about when it’s safe to cross. But
should get hacked and your password changed, guess what? You’re locked
poverty scholar and editor of POOR the ones on Market downtown?
out of your computer.
magazine, points out at sfbg. Our personal experience suggests
A Microsoft spokesperson told us that it’s all about children’s safety:
com/politics: “What about crying that you can push all day long, and
“As we continue to incorporate Skype into the Microsoft experience, we
for babies killed by drive-by shoot- the lights still follow their regular
will continue to look at ways to improve Skype and allow children to use
ers, youth killed by police, and pattern.
Skype with parental consent.”
hundreds of teenage workers from
Actually, this is a nasty corporate trick: Microsoft owns Skype and
China who react to mercury poison
wants to get all of its customers to turn over as much personal data as pos-
and throw themselves out the ALERTS
sible. Sophisticated users can get around this, of course. But by linking
window while US tech companies
that data mining to the setup of its new operating system, MSFT will catch
make billions in profit? Why aren’t
the vast majority of us. At our own peril. Evil, Mr. Gates. Evil. SATURDAY/5
thousands of people shedding
tears and sorrow and THE BEAUTY OF COMPOST
sympathy for the 7th Avenue and Lawton. 10Am. Sure,
children in Gaza who you can toss it in the green bin — but
Garden for the Environment will also
die everyday?”
show you how to turn your leftovers,
Sobering either from the garden or the kitchen,
thought for the new into fertile new soil for your garden. Rot
on! [phone] gardenfortheenvi-
year. BEYOND THE BLOCKBUSTERS ronment.org
TUESDAY/8
So you’ve seen Django Unchained (twice) and you really hate musi-
cals. What to do to scratch your movie-going itch during January’s MEET THE NEW BOSS
dearth of new releases? The Castro Theatre (castrotheater.com) just City Hall Room 250, 2pm. It’s time
for all the drama to come to an end: At
released its January calendar, and there are some exciting dates in
the first meeting of 2013, the Board
the making: 2008 Will Ferrell-John C. Reilly classic Step Brothers of Supervisors will elect a new presi-
(part of a “Midnites for Maniacs” triple-feature Jan. 11); the always- dent, who will set the tone for how the
next two years are going to look for
juicy Noir City fest, which even has some 3D selections this year
progressives. It’s always a day of politi-
(starts Jan. 25; more info at noircity.com); and a Jan. 18 screen- cal scrambling as four or maybe more
ing of the original Django (1966), which doesn’t really resemble candidates seek to get to the magical
six votes that will allow them to appoint
Quentin Tarantino’s latest, though it does share the silent “D” — and
committee chairs and (to a certain
catchy theme music. extent) control the Legislative agenda.
4 SAN FRANCISCO BAY GUARDIAN EDITORIALS NEWS FOOD + DRINK PICKS ARTS + CULTURE MUSIC LISTINGS STAGE LISTINGS ON THE CHEAP FILM LISTINGS CLASSIFIEDS
A New Years
THESANFRANCISCOBAYGUARDIAN | SFBG.COM Resolution
you’ll want
An independent, locally owned
to keep...
and edited newspaper
“IT IS A NEWSPAPER’S DUTY TO PRINT
THE NEWS AND RAISE HELL.”
Wilbur Storey, statement of the aims
of the Chicago Times, 1861
TRAINING AT CIRCUS CENTER
Why use a gym when you can join a circus?
sells more bikes than any
Circus Center
FOUNDERS AND CO-PUBLISHERS, 1966-2012
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EDITOR AND PUBLISHER(cid:1)(cid:53)(cid:42)(cid:46)(cid:1)(cid:51)(cid:38)(cid:37)(cid:46)(cid:48)(cid:47)(cid:37) other S.F. Bike Dealer...
San Francisco, CA
EDITORIAL
MANAGING EDITOR(cid:1)(cid:46)(cid:34)(cid:51)(cid:44)(cid:38)(cid:1)(cid:35)(cid:15) 415.759.8123 there must be a reason!
CITY EDITOR(cid:1)(cid:52)(cid:53)(cid:38)(cid:55)(cid:38)(cid:47)(cid:1)(cid:53)(cid:15)(cid:1)(cid:43)(cid:48)(cid:47)(cid:38)(cid:52)
SENIOR EDITOR, ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT(cid:1) circuscenter.org
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PRODUCTION
PRODUCTION MANAGER(cid:1)(cid:35)(cid:42)(cid:45)(cid:45)(cid:1)(cid:38)(cid:55)(cid:34)(cid:47)(cid:52)
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BUSINESS Road Bikes Mountain Bikes
CONTROLLER(cid:1)(cid:52)(cid:34)(cid:47)(cid:37)(cid:51)(cid:34)(cid:1)(cid:45)(cid:34)(cid:47)(cid:40)(cid:38)
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editorialS newS Food + drink pickS artS + culture muSic liStinGS StaGe liStinGS on the cheap Film liStinGS claSSiFiedS January 2 - 8, 2013 / SFBG.com 
editorials
in this issue mORe
news
P8
SChOOl
food and drink
P13
picks
P15
SeCURItY?
arts and culture
P17
Music listings 24 / stage listings 27 mAYBe NOt
on the cheap 27 / filM listings 28
By scott laughlin
this week at
OpINION I pretty much live in
schools. Almost every morning,
sfBg.coM I get my three-year-old ready for
pre-school, my seven-year-old
ready for first grade, and myself
ready for high school, where I
pSYChIC DReAm AStROlOGY, COmplete teach English. Almost everyday,
eveNtS, AleRtS, ARt, AND mUSIC lISt-
I’m in at least three schools. But
INGS, hOt lISt, COmmeNtS, AND SO
never before had I thought so
mUCh mORe! FOllOw US ON twItteR:
thoroughly about school security
www.twItteR.COm/SFBG
until Monday, Dec. 17, when I
ON the BlOGS drove my daughters, and then
myself, to school for the first time
after the shootings in Newtown.
My first stop is my daughter’s
public elementary school in San
politics
Francisco. Because I often have
the race for Board of supes president an 8am class and am pressed for
keeps getting juicier time, I almost never walk her into
school. I pull up along a curb,
Downtown’s towers and trains:
where fifth graders clad in fluores-
what’s up with the transbay terminal?
cent vests open the back door of
how many cops does it take the Next BOARD pReSIDeNt my car to escort my daughter out.
to issue a fare evasion ticket? From there, she walks alone into
the screams of dead children a side door and then out onto an
— everywhere. outdoor basketball court, where
eDItORIAl The president of the — Sup. Scott Wiener, who is to us that he felt he had no choice. the whole school gathers every
Board of Supervisors does more the right of Chiu on many issues, If the progressives had voted for morning. Her teacher then takes
noise than bang the gavel at meetings, is also interested, as is Sup. Jane him, he wouldn’t have had to my daughter to her classroom,
tell people to put their clothes Kim, who has always been close reward the conservatives. which is, incidentally, closest
a song-by-song breakdown of Django
back on, and run for higher to Chiu, and Sup. David Campos, This time around, with two to the front door to the school,
by emily savage
office. It’s a powerful position who is one of the leading pro- new supervisors taking office (a which is always open during the
Yet more best of 2013 lists largely because the president gressives. None of the candidates more centrist Norman Yee replac- day. A potential shooter would
— you may be on one! makes appointments — to the can count to six right now, so ing Elsbernd and a more moderate have no problem entering, and
Planning Commission, the Police somebody’s going to have to back London Breed replacing Christina with enough ammunition and a
Commission — and unilaterally down or make a deal. Olague) everything is up in the air. deadly enough gun, he could kill
pixel Vision
decides who serves on which And before that happens, the The progressives still have a solid at will.
Cheryl eddy is never watching board committees. candidates ought to tell us some- three votes, and can sometimes I asked for the first time that
a movie again. kidding! Two years ago, Sup. David thing about what they plan to do. count on Jane Kim and Chiu. day: would it be better to close off
Check out her picks for the Chiu, who won the top post in Chiu’s 2011 committee That’s not enough to elected a pres- the campus?
post-Oscar qualifying season. 2009 with progressive support, appointments were a bit of a ident, but it’s coming pretty close. The next stop is my three-year-
trash time? wanted re-election, and the left shocker, although, in retrospect, Based on experience, skills, old daughter’s pre-school. There, I
appetite indulges her sweet side, wasn’t siding with him anymore. the horse trading shouldn’t have and temperament, our first choice park my car, get her out, and walk
with a list of new candy So he cut a deal with the conser- surprised anyone. In fact, after for board president is Campos, to the front entrance, where an
and chocolate delights. vative members, appointing the he made his decisions, and put who would be fair to everyone, administrative assistant buzzes me
right wing of the board to plum Carmen Chu, one of the most approachable, and a voice for in upon recognition. Because it’s
committee posts — and making conservative supervisors, in open government and community busy in the mornings, I often hold
sex sf life harder for progressives who charge of the Budget and Finance participation. But if Campos can’t the door for other parents trying
wanted to pass legislation or pre- Committee and put the conserva- get six votes, he and his progres- to get in. Of course, it would be
al the sex events you may never need,
vent bad developments from hap- tive Scott Wiener and the moder- sive colleagues should ask anyone very easy for a killer to force his
but want to need.
pening. ate Malia Cohen on Land Use and who wants their support to be way in behind one of us, or he
He clearly likes the job and Economic Development, and put open about what he or she plans could simply shoot the glass if he
would love to hold it for a third conservative Sean Elsbernd in to do. was determined enough.
term. But that won’t be easy charge of two committees, he told CONTINUES ON PAGE  >> CONTINUES ON PAGE  >>
 SAN FRANCISCO BAY GUARDIAN eDItORIAlS NewS FOOD + DRINk pICkS ARtS + CUltURe mUSIC lIStINGS StAGe lIStINGS ON the CheAp FIlm lIStINGS ClASSIFIeDS
EDITORIALS
OFFICER RICK
MOORE OF
THE OAKLAND
SCHOOL
DISTRICT
POLICE PATROLS
OAKLAND
TECHNICAL HIGH
SCHOOL. AP PHOTO
BY NOAH BERGER
MORE SCHOOL SECURITY? MAYBE NOT where young people can learn to
CONT>> take risks, where they can make
mistakes before they go out into
Again, the questions arise: the “real” world. On the other
should the director have a gun hand, however, schools reflect our
in her office? Should we put up neighborhoods, our counties, our
metal doors? Should the school cities, our states, our country, and
hire a security guard monitoring our world.
cameras before letting parents and If we bar our schools off from
children into the school? the outside world, the message
Finally, I arrive at my high that we’re sending to our children
school, which is a rather affluent is that the world is a place to be
independent school. I park on the feared, a place where calculus
street and walk right in. Often the won’t do you any good — but
receptionist doesn’t even notice where a gun will. To “secure” our
me. We have a completely open schools is to admit our collec-
campus, with many doors into tive failure at making the outside
which someone could enter with world safe. It is to admit that one
no resistance whatsoever. We of the fundamental values of any
have security guards, but they are society, and in particular our
unarmed and more concerned American society — trust — has
with directing traffic around been broken.
the school than with a potential I would hope instead that we
intruder. All of our students have work now to change the world
off-campus privileges. Should we enough to communicate to our
keep students on campus? Should children that the world is, in fact,
we bar all the doors? Place an a place that is not just safe but that
armed security guard at every they are invited into, a place where
entry point into the school? they can thrive and find happiness
The answer I’ve come to is no. rather than a place to fear and hide
The question of school secu- from. Our responsibility is not to
rity gets at the very nature of gate schools off from the world but
what schools are. Schools both to take the need for gates down
are and are not of the world. altogether. 2
On the one hand, schools are a
place that prepares our youth for Scott Laughlin teaches English at
the world. They’re also a place University High School.
THE NEXT BOARD PRESIDENT pening anyway, those deals being
CONT>> cut — and it’s happening behind
closed doors, where the public
Who will be on the Budget (and the other supervisors) can’t
Committee? Rules? Land Use? watch.
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mmiissssiioonnss?? WWee kknnooww iitt sshhiinnee,, aanndd hhaavvee aann ooppeenn
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iinn aaddvvaannccee hhiiss pprreeffeerr--
eenncceess ffoorr kkeeyy ccoommmmiitt--
tteeeess —— aanndd tthheenn tthhoossee DAVID CAMPOS IS
ppeeooppllee vvootteedd ffoorr hhiimm.. OUR FIRST CHOICE
BBuutt tthhee rreeaalliittyy FOR BOARD
iiss,, tthhoossee ddiiss-- PRESIDENT.
cussions GUARDIAN PHOTO
are hap- BY KEENEY
AND LAW
editorialS newS Food + drink pickS artS + culture muSic liStinGS StaGe liStinGS on the cheap Film liStinGS claSSiFiedS January 2 - 8, 2013 / SFBG.com 
news “Quite a few faCulty will be looking for jobs out of state” – aft leader alisa Messer
$ City College’s numbers — and the number of stu- sH!t do than spending money now [to ing state cuts of $13 million—even
dents enrolled dictates state funding. retain teachers] and laying off teach- though the parties bargained in good
new divide
“[The administration] was focused ers in the future,” Ngo said. faith, reaching agreement on June
on these accreditation reports. It’s a big Due to increased focus on diver- 20, 2012 to address these losses.”
Despite recent voter approval of
job. It was very disruptive to change sity in hiring, CCSF’s more diverse College spokesperson Larry
Proposition A, the parcel tax expect-
chancellors kind of midstream,” said and younger teachers tend to be the Kamer said he hadn’t seen the
ed to bring $14 million annually to
John Rizzo, the college’s board presi- newer ones, and part-time faculty, charges yet, as the college is on
City College of San Francisco, fac-
dent. “We had to switch administra- H@#pened Ngo said. Those are the teachers vacation, but that “we respectfully
ulty there are enduring pay cuts and
tions, and that’s been very difficult.” most at risk — and the ones that disagree with AFT 2121’s character-
layoffs, a reality that has rankled
Whatever the reason, City College students will end up losing. ization of the situation.”
union leaders and others who have
has 3,000 fewer students enrolled 12.26-1.1.2013 Ngo said that the choice is basi- “City College is facing an imme-
rallied to save the school.
than it expected to have for the cally between drastic change, or the diate budget shortfall due to a second
In the face of the school’s accred-
spring, potentially putting it $6.5 mil- closure of the school. “My hope is to straight year of missed enrollment
itation crisis, which if not addressed
lion in the hole this coming year. It with Prop. A. “There’s no discus- provide the best wages and benefits targets,” he said. “In the past, City
by March could lead to its closure,
has until the end of summer to boost sion here about accountability to in the long run, but we can’t offer College might have papered over
the college was a united front to keep
those numbers. Now, despite all the San Francisco voters,” Messer told it if it’s a facade. We can’t maintain such a budget gap with money it
the school open and pass Prop. A,
cards coming up aces in the polls, the us. And with the loss of competitive payrates as they are now because we didn’t have, but those days are over.”
which was approved by more than 70
college still needs to save millions of wages, the faculty has already start- have too many faculty...There’s no And there’s the rub. In the midst
percent of San Francisco voters.
dollars somewhere else in the budget. ed to come apart at the seams. agreement if there’s no college.” of reforming the school to meet the
But a combination of timing
It has started by slashing faculty “We have unfortunately heard City College’s faculty’s union, requirements of the accreditation
(the money won’t roll in until later
and administration wages 8.8 percent from quite a few faculty that they American Federation of Teachers 2121, team by March or face closure, the
in 2013), the depth of the district’s
and not renewing contracts for more will be looking for jobs out of state,” filed an unfair labor practice charge college failed to keep its eye on their
fiscal hole, and declining student
than 30 part-time teachers, 18 part- Messer said. Dec. 21 with the Public Employee enrollment.
enrollment have left CCSF with
time counselors, and 30 clerical staff. Steve Ngo, a trustee on the col- Relations Board, a state entity that “The unions were trying to help,
essentially status quo funding.
Notably, Chancellor Thelma Scott- lege’s board, said he thinks the Prop. has the power to enforce labor law in calling prospective students and
District officials appear to be lean-
Skillman — whose office negotiated A money should be used to shore California. The charge alleges that the trying a pitch,” Rizzo said. “‘Hey
ing toward using most of the avail-
the plan, which the board discussed up the school’s reserve fund, as dic- college’s paycuts are unlawful. enroll!’ That kind of thing. They’re
able surplus to beef up scant reserve
on Dec. 13 — will also take a paycut. tated by the accreditation team that A recent email to union members helping. A lot of people are trying to
funds — one of the problems that
Alisa Messer, president of the threatens the school with closure. outlines the AFT 2121’s grievances chip in to help this.”
triggered the accreditation crisis.
faculty union at City College, told Unfortunately, this means losing with the college: “At Monday’s bar- But, he said, “Ultimately it’s the
After the good news of Prop. A’s
us she thinks cutting teachers, and teachers now rather than later. gaining session, the District finally people in the administration who
passage, CCSF discovered it wasn’t on
therefore classes, flies in the face “If you want to frame it in terms outlined its claim that it will cut are responsible for the enrollment.”
track to meet its required enrollment
of what the voters bargained for of labor, there’s nothing worse to wages to recover last year’s ongo- (Joe Fitzgerald)
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NEWS HELL OF A YEAR: RICK SANTORUM’S NAUSEA, MITT ROMNEY’S SKETCHY RUN FOR OFFICE, CLINT EASTWOOD’S TALK WITH A CHAIR, NEWT GINGRICH’S PLANS
FOR COLONIZING THE MOON, AND DONALD TRUMP’S RIDICULOUS TWEETS TOP OFF 2012. GUARDIAN ILLUSTRATION BY DANNY HELLMAN
WHITE MEN BEHAVING (VERY) BADLY
BY TIM REDMOND Presenting the 2012 Off-Guard awards “We ask why there is violence in
[email protected] our schools, but we have system-
for the worst of a dismal year
atically removed God from our
Could it be — the worst year ever? schools,” Huckabee said on Fox
I keep asking. And every time News. “Should we be so surprised
the Offies come around, I find that schools would become a place
myself boggled yet again. Our of carnage?”
awards for the very worst — the · Timothy Bordnow at Tea Party
dumbest, the most tasteless, the Nation said the shooting was caused
most truly offensive acts of the by too much sexual stimulation in
year past — keep sinking lower the media. “There is a reason why
and lower. young people commit these sorts
But what can we do? There are of crimes, and sex plays no small
still Republicans, and this year a part. Their passions are eternally
lot of them ran for high office, inflamed, and they wander the
and every single one made a fool Earth with no outlet for their over-
of himself. There are still politi- stimulated glands.”
cians who think you can run for · Megan McArdle, the Daily Beast
San Francisco supervisor even if writer, urged the victims of mass
you live in Walnut Creek, and shootings to gang-rush the shooter
elected leaders who find the cour- so he wouldn’t kill as many people.
age deep in themselves to prevent · The head of the National Rifle
a bunch of old men from walking Association said the only way to
around with their sagging asses stop mass murders of school chil-
and limp dicks out. dren is to post armed guards in
There are still entertainers every school. | AP PHOTO OF MIKE HUCKA-
who punch psychics, and gun BEE BY J. SCOTT APPLEWHITE
nuts who blame mass murder on
TV sex, and ... well, a whole lot of
WOW — THE DISTRICT 8
people who have made this a ban-
ner year for the Offies. SUPERVISOR HAS BEEN
OVERWHELMED
SUPPORT OUR BRAVE, Michigan because the trees were all he was going to do away with three to host the Olympics. BY A
the right height. agencies of the federal government,
HEROIC TROOPS! (EXCEPT COUPLE
but after listing Commerce and
FINE, JUST TAKE RICK
THE MEN WHO FUCK MEN) OF OLD
Education, he couldn’t remem-
GIVING NEW
PERRY WITH YOU
The audience at a Republican presi- ber what the third one was, MEN’S
MEANING
dential primary debate booed a gay identifying it only as “oops.” More than 50,000 people signed a FLACCID
solider who called in from Iraq with TO THE 1 White House petition asking for per-
DICKS
a question about don’t ask, don’t tell. PERCENT FOR SOMEONE WHOSE mission for Texas to secede.
Sup. Scott
Herman Cain NAME MEANS ASS-CUM
Wiener won
FROM A GUY WHO HAD proclaimed that JUICE, THAT’S A REALLY GUNS DON’T KILL approval for a ban on public nudity
TO BUY OXYCONTIN AND for every woman who PEOPLE, ATHEISM AND
PRETTY PICTURE in San Francisco. | GUARDIAN PHOTO BY
claimed he sexually harassed her,
VIAGRA ON THE STREET, OVERSTIMULATED GLANDS MIKE KOOZMIN
there were a thousand others who Rick Santorum said that he’d listened
THIS SORT OF THING DO. HAPPY FRIDAY,
didn’t. | AP PHOTO BY PAUL ABELL to John F. Kennedy’s speech on the
IS AN OBVIOUS separation of church and state and it SHOOTERS! WHEN YOU’RE A MAJOR
CONCERN IF WE WANTED A DRESS made him want to throw up. · On the same day that a gunman LOSER, EVEN MONEY CAN’T
Rush Limbaugh CODE ON AIRLINES, opened fire at a showing of the BUY YOU LOVE
LOOK! UP AT THE RAMPARTS! Dark Knight movie in Colorado, the
attacked law WE’D START WITH Michael Breyer, who has never been
student Sandra THE MAN WITH THE HAIR! National Rifle Association’s magazine elected to anything, spent roughly
THOSE DREARY PILOT sent out a tweet that read: “Good
Fluke, call- $1 million trying to win a state
Donald Trump, mistakenly believing
ing her a “slut” UNIFORMS morning, shooters! Happy Friday.” Assembly seat as the candidate of
Romney won the popular vote but
· A Congressman from Texas,
and a “prostitute” An American Airlines pilot lost the election, called the election “traditional San Francisco values,”
Louie Gohmert, argued that the
because she testified kicked a woman off a flight for “a sham and travesty” and called for and lost badly.
Dark Knight shootings
that health-care plans should wearing a shirt that said “if I wanted “revolution.”
happened because of
cover contraceptives. | AP PHOTO BY the government in my womb I’d AND THESE PEOPLE ARE
“ongoing attacks on
JULIE SMITH
fuck a senator.”
BUT HE COULD HELP THEM Judeo-Christian COOPERATING WITH
THERE ARE MEN SO OUT WITH A FEW BINDERS beliefs.” HOMELAND SECURITY?
PROBLEM IS, BUSH MADE · Mike
BRILLIANT THAT WE STAND THAT ONE A CABINET-LEVEL FULL OF WOMEN Huckabee Confetti thrown in the
IN AWE OF THEIR INTELLECT Romney insulted the British by say- blamed the mas- Giants parade turned out to
POSITION ing the nation didn’t appear ready sacre in Newtown, be lightly shredded internal
Mitt Romney said he really liked
Rick Perry proclaimed in a debate that CT on atheism. CONTINUES ON PAGE 10 >>
EDITORIALS NEWS FOOD + DRINK PICKS ARTS + CULTURE MUSIC LISTINGS STAGE LISTINGS ON THE CHEAP FILM LISTINGS CLASSIFIEDS JANUARY 2 - 8, 2013 / SFBG.COM 9
News “we will Never have the elite, smart people oN our side” – rick saNtorum
cont>> McMahon): “It was really an issue ing his argument them couldn’t figure out what he White House. | ap
about a Catholic Church being that sodomy is was actually doing. | getty imag- photo by mark duncan
police documents that included forced to issue those pills if legally equivalent eS photo by frederick m. brown
home addresses and social security a person came in with an to murder, told
aNd wheN
numbers of officers. emergency rape.” law students at
he also told us
asked if
5. Legitimate Princeton that
that tax cuts aNd
Guess it’s okay to Rape (Todd the Constitution someoNe
perjure yourself if Akin): “If it is not a living dereGulatioN would that moroNic
was a legiti- document, it’s “dead, improve the ecoNomy,
you’re the mayor mate rape, the dead, dead, dead.” | ap could actually
so he’s Got a wiNNiNG
Mayor Ed Lee testified under female body has photo by m. Spencer green ruN for presideNt, he
oath that he’d never dis- ways to try to record here said “i’m a repuBlicaN,
cussed the Ross Mirkarimi shut that whole makes you woNder aBout Karl Rove on election night kept maN”
case with members of the thing down.” | ap insisting the Romney still had a
board of Supervisors, although photo of todd akin by the poor soul who came chance to win. Marco Rubio, when asked about the
friends of Sup. Christina Olague Sid haStingS iN at 99 age of the Earth, said “I’m not a sci-
entist, man.”
said she’d been open about her talks Kim Kardashian talk aBout a BlowN cover
with the mayor on the topic. call it BieBer raGe; fell 90 places, to
it’s daNGerous shit 98, on AskMen David Petraus resigned as CIA direc- easy — the oNes
tor after an affair with a woman
Now, which oNes are Magazine’s list of who are GettiNG paid
After a Justin who was threatening another
the worlds 100
the iroN moNsters of Bieber con- woman who might have had a thing are the oNes preteNdiNG
most desirable
death? cert, Lindsay women. | getty for him. to Be iNterested iN
Lohan
A San Francisco bicyclist who imageS photo by Stuart Nasty old freNchmeN
punched a
was allegedly trying to beat psychic in the wilSon too Bad — he miGht After Dominique Strauss-Kahn
a speed record crashed into face at a New have had to was held overnight in Lille to be
and killed a 71-year-old man York nightclub, sadly, “Gotta catch seek asylum questioned about possible connec-
in the Castro. then threw her ‘em all” doesN’t tions between a prostitution ring
iN the New
personal assistant out make such a Great and orgies he attended in Paris and
repuBlic
uNfortuNately, of the car. | getty imageS Washington, his lawyer said: “I
campaiGN sloGaN
photo by andrew h. walker of texas challenge you to distinguish a naked
there’s No malpractice
Herman Cain said his life’s prostitute from any other woman.”
statute GoverNiNG that A petition to
yep, aNd it doesN’t philosophy came from a allow every
auGust professioN Pokemon song.
look aNy Better American to punch dude — that’s the
Political consultant Enrique Pearce the secoNd time Grover Norquist in the territory of
oversaw perhaps the worst district we’re Glad that his dick was removed from the White
serious
election campaign in history, help- Romney’s campaign manager said faith has GiveN him such House website. | ap photo by J.
ing Olague become the first incum- that his candidate would change Scott applewhite losers
aN upliftiNG attitude
bent ever to lose in ranked-choice his right-wing positions for the fall Vice-presidential
voting in SF. campaign: “It’s almost like an Etch- Romney said he’s “not concerned we’re with the candidate Paul
A-Sketch. You can kind of shake it about the very poor.” Ryan lied about
up and we start all over again.” GoverNmeNt of
somehow, represeNtiNG his time in the
Belize; this maN is
walNut creek at city he was proBaBly marathon. | ap photo
aNd if he Goes with shitfaced, too, “BoNkers” by mary altaffer
hall didN’t seem like
them, it will all But siNce he doesN’t One-time software
such a Good idea
Be worth while mogul John Go ahead, cliNt —
driNk he caN’t
Union official Leon Chow dropped McAfee fled make our day
Newt Gingrich proposed sending
his challenge to Sup. John Avalos rememBer that Belize claim-
13,000 Americans to the Moon and Surprise guest speaker Clint
when the SF Appeal revealed that he either ing the cops
creating a new state there. Eastwood addressed GOP conven-
didn’t live in District 11, or even in would persecute
Romney said he didn’t tion delegates for 12 minutes, during
San Francisco. him after he was
aNd we all woNder why remember beating up a gay sought for question- which he carried on an imagined
student at his prep school and dialogue with an empty chair he
wheN meN are just the media is doiNG so cutting off his long hair. ing in the shooting identified as President Obama.
death of his neighbor —
total dicks: the Gop smashiNGly well these
using a body double, faking a heart
redefiNes rape days it’s a Good thiNG attack, pretending he was crazy, and aNd yes, he did Get
1. Divine providence rape (Rick After Gabby Douglas became the moNday NiGht footBall winding up in Miami. | ap photo by a fair amouNt of
Santorum): “The right approach is to first black woman to win the isN’t lookiNG alan diaz the stupidity vote
accept this horribly created .. gift of Olympic gold medal in all-
life, accept what God is giving to you.” around gymnastics, the news for aNother it sucks to Be stiNkiNG Santorum told a gathering of con-
2. Honest Rape (Ron Paul): media reported on problems johN maddeN rich aNd owN four servatives in Washington, “We will
“If it was an honest rape, that indi- with her hair. A full 78 percent never have the elite, smart people
vidual should go immediately to the of Americans houses aNd have to live on our side.” 2
emergency room.” aNd your view of thought Ryan with rejectioN
3. Forcible Rape (Paul Ryan): the world is over, Seacrest was Ann Romney was deeply depressed
Federal law should prevent abortion doing a good job that her husband didn’t win the
except in the case of “forcible rape.” over, over, over broadcasting from the election, telling friends she thought
4. Emergency Rape (Linda Justice Antonin Scalia, in defend- Olympics, although most of it was their fate to move into the
10 SAN FRANCISCO BAY GUARDIAN eDItORIAlS NewS FOOD + DRINk pICkS ARtS + CUltURe mUSIC lIStINGS StAGe lIStINGS ON the CheAp FIlm lIStINGS ClASSIFIeDS