Romancing the Shadow: A Guide to Soul Work for a Vital, Authentic Life

304 Pages·2016·1.66 MB·English

by  Connie Zweig

More praise for Romancing the Shadow
“Romancing the Shadow has changed the way I perceive myself and the people I love. It’s brilliant, compassionate,
and challenging—providing readers with a structure through which they can reconnect with their spirit. I use it
now to examine every character I am and every character I write about.”
—Sheri Reynolds
Author of The Rapture of Canaan
“The secret is out: all of us, no exceptions, have qualities we won’t let anyone see, including ourselves—our
shadow. If we face up to our dark side, our life can be energized. If not, there is the devil to pay. This is one of
life’s most urgent projects.”
—Larry Dossey, M.D.
Author of Healing Words
“Throughout this book we are invited to undertake the ordeal and passion of discovering the richness in our
individual darkness, thereby creating soulful and expressive lives. The authors restore us to ourselves.”
—Deena Metzger
Author of Writing for Your Life:
A Guide and Companion to the Inner Worlds
“This book is a great help to anyone trying to tune in and listen to the voice of the soul. At last, a practical
mysticism!”
—Coleman Barks
Poet-translator of The Essential Rumi
“This fascinating work not only offers an accessible exploration of the mysterious dark side of human nature
but also provides tools for a more authentic way of living.”
—Body, Mind, Spirit
“Replacing murky psychological language with easily understood stories and characters, Jungian
psychotherapists Wolf and Zweig offer myth-based modern parables for reconnecting with our ‘dark’ sides.”
—Publishers Weekly
“The shadow is, by definition, often overlooked. This is a definitive work on the topic that helps us grow into
greater authenticity and experience our full humanity.”
—Dan Millman
Author of Way of the Peaceful Warrior
“Romancing the Shadow is a wide-ranging and eye-opening treatment of a complex subject.”
—Values & Visions
“Romancing the Shadow is a must for those seeking greater self-knowledge and compassion for others.”
—Jack Canfield
Author of Chicken Soup for the Soul series
“This is a timeless, inexhaustible book, to be read and re-read, as valuable to the knowledgeable person as to the
personally motivated. It is practical and thorough, packed with fascinating information that leaps off the page
into the reader’s life.”
—The Association of Humanistic
Psychology: Perspectives

A Ballantine Book
Published by The Random House Publishing Group
Copyright © 1997 by Connie Zweig, Ph.D., and Steve Wolf, Ph.D.
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Ballantine Books, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of
Random House, Inc., New York, and simultaneously in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto.
Ballantine and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Grateful acknowledgment is made to the following to reprint previously published material:
Coleman Barks and Maypop: “The Guest House” by Jelaluddin Rumi from Say I Am You, translated by John Moyne and
Coleman Barks, published 1994 by Maypop. Reprinted by permission of Coleman Barks and Maypop.
HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.: Excerpt from “Sometimes a Man Stands Up …” from Selected Poems of Rainer Maria Rilke,
edited and translated by Robert Bly. Copyright © 1981 by Robert Bly. “A Man and a Woman Sit Near Each Other” from
Selected Poems by Robert Bly. Copyright © 1986 by Robert Bly. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Hardie St. Martin: “Throw Yourself Like Seed” by Miguel de Unamuno from Roots and Wings by Miguel de Unamuno,
translated by Robert Bly. Reprinted by permission of Hardie St. Martin.
Threshold Books: “The Minute I Heard” by Jelauddin Rumi from Essential Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks, originally
published by and reprinted by permission of Threshold Books, 139 Main Street, Brattleboro, VT 05301.
Viking Penguin and Laurence Pollinger Limited: “Healing” by D. H. Lawrence from The Complete Poems of D. H. Lawrence
by D. H. Lawrence, edited by V. de Sola Pinto and F. W. Roberts. Copyright © 1964, 1971 by Angelo Ravagli and C. M.
Weekley, Executors of the Estate of Frieda Lawrence Ravagli. Reprinted by permission of Viking Penguin, a division of
Penguin Books USA Inc. and Laurence Pollinger Limited for the Estate of Frieda Lawrence Ravagli.
www.ballantinebooks.com
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 98-96663
eISBN: 978-0-307-55948-7
v3.1_r1
C
ONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
INTRODUCTION TO SHADOW-WORK
OUR STORIES
Connie’s story: a tale of shadow-work
Steve’s story: a tale of shadow-work
CHAPTER 1. ME AND MY SHADOW
Meeting the Shadow: Abusers, Abandoners, Addicts, Critics, Thieves
Romancing the shadow: King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table
Tracing the roots of the shadow in personal psychology
Defending ourselves with shields: power, sex, money, addiction
Tracing the roots of the shadow in culture
The shadow as redeemer: finding gold in the dark side
CHAPTER 2. THE FAMILY SHADOW: CRADLE OF THE BEST AND THE WORST
The missing ingredient: family soul
Sins of our fathers and mothers: shame, envy, depression, anxiety, addiction, and self-hate
Family secrets: the sacrifice of authenticity
Shadow sisters/shadow brothers
Sexual shadows: incest and initiation
Money shadows: inheritance, self-worth, and greediness
Leaving the family home: cultivating individual and family soul
CHAPTER 3. A PARENT’S BETRAYAL AS INITIATION INTO SHADOW
The father’s son: reclaiming feminine shadow
The mother’s son (the puer): reclaiming masculine shadow
The mother’s daughter: reclaiming masculine shadow
The father’s daughter: reclaiming feminine shadow
Reclaiming masculine and feminine soul
CHAPTER 4. LOOKING FOR THE BELOVED: DATING AS SHADOW-WORK
Shame and the single person
Single women and the shadow
Single men and the shadow
An archetypal perspective on dating
Dating: the shadow’s search for shelter
A story of dating as shadow-work
Sex, money, and power shadows
Sexual shadows: erotic intoxication and risky behavior
Money shadows: success objects and successful fathers
Power shadows: victims and victimizers
Introducing crises of commitment
Crisis of commitment: when to have sex
CHAPTER 5. SHADOW-BOXING: WRESTLING WITH ROMANTIC PARTNERS
Meeting the Other: projections hit their targets
Compensating the Other: two parts make a whole
Partners as parents: the psychology of love
Partners as gods: the archetypes of love
The breakdown of projections: meeting the witch and the tyrant
Power shadows: shaming, deprivation, and entitlement
Sexual shadows: demanding and withholding intimacy
An archetypal perspective on romance
When relationships end: the shadow’s moving target
Redefining successful relationship: From shadow-boxing to shadow-dancing
CHAPTER 6. SHADOW-DANCING TILL DEATH DO US PART
The Third Body: the soul of the relationship
Meeting the Beloved: taking projections home
French and Turkish: the art of conscious communication
Crisis of commitment: moving in, becoming engaged
The ex-spouse complex
Crisis of commitment: the shadow marriage
Power shadows: anger and depression, withholding and witchiness
Sexual shadows: compulsions, affairs, and demon lovers
Money shadows: from dating to commitment
Crisis of commitment: having a child
Relationship as a vehicle for soul work
CHAPTER 7. SHADOWS AMONG FRIENDS: ENVY, ANGER, AND BETRAYAL
The loss of the loyal friend
Soul friends/shadow friends
Meeting the Other: friends as parents, friends as gods
An archetypal perspective on friendship
Women and men as friends: dangers and delights
Sexual shadows: triangles and loyalty wars
Power shadows: superiority and inferiority
Money shadows: shame, class, and the myth of equality
Racism and addiction between friends
Redefining successful friendship: a vehicle for soul work
CHAPTER 8. THE SHADOW AT WORK: THE SEARCH FOR SOUL ON THE JOB
The loss of soulful work: the myth of Sisyphus
The promises of shadow-work: nurturing soul on the job
A portrait of the new employee: a Sufi tale
Meeting the shadow of workaholism: overcoming the inner tyrant
Meeting the Other in a company hierarchy: healing family patterns
Meeting the Other in a collaboration: taking projections home
An archetypal perspective on work
Power shadows: denying power, abusing power
Sexual shadows: corporate harassment and sex in therapy
Money shadows: the mistaken grail
Redefining successful work as soulful work
CHAPTER 9. MIDLIFE AS DESCENT TO THE UNDERWORLD AND ASCENT OF THE LOST GODS
Meeting the shadow at midlife: the promise of renewal
Midlife as the emergence of new priorities: Steve’s story
Midlife as descent to the underworld: Connie’s story
The call of the Self: Inanna’s story
The changing of the gods: reimagining midlife depression
Bodily symptoms as shadow speaking
Reclaiming the unlived life: the resurrection of lost gods
EPILOGUE
A SHADOW WORK HANDBOOK
WHO’S WHO IN GREEK MYTH: FROM APHRODITE TO ZEUS
NOTES
BIBLIOGRAPHY
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
About the Authors
I S -W
NTRODUCTION TO HADOW ORK
Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful
and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help
from us.
—RAINER MARIA RILKE
In Oscar Wilde’s only novel, The Picture of Dorian Gray, the central character, Dorian, a
beautiful, vain young man in nineteenth-century England, sees a painting of himself
that is startlingly handsome and without a blemish. Suddenly, he desires to remain
youthful and perfect forever, with no sign of aging or imperfection. To this end, he makes
a pact with the devil: All signs of his aging and degeneration, even evidence of his greed
and cruelty, would from then on appear on the painting rather than on his own face. And
the painting gets hidden away, never to be seen by anyone. But from time to time the
young man’s curiosity gnaws at him. He cautiously pulls the picture out of the darkness
and takes a quick glance, only to see the youthful face growing more and more hideous.
Each of us is like Dorian Gray. We seek to present a beautiful, innocent face to the
world; a kind, courteous demeanor; a youthful, intelligent image. And so, unknowingly
but inevitably, we push away those qualities that do not fit the image, that do not
enhance our self-esteem and make us stand proud but, instead, bring us shame and make
us feel small. We shove into the dark cavern of the unconscious those feelings that make
us uneasy—hatred, rage, jealousy, greed, competition, lust, shame—and those behaviors
that are deemed wrong by the culture—addiction, laziness, aggression, dependency—
thereby creating what could be called shadow content. Like Dorian’s painting, these
qualities ultimately take on a life of their own, forming an invisible twin that lives just
behind our life, or just beside it, but as distinct from the one we know as a stranger.
This stranger, known in psychology as the shadow, is us, yet is not us. Hidden from our
awareness, the shadow is not a part of our conscious self-image. So it seems to appear
abruptly, out of nowhere, in a range of behaviors from off-color jokes to devastating
abuses. When it emerges, it feels like an unwanted visitor, leaving us ashamed, even
mortified. For instance, when a man who views himself as a responsible husband and
provider is suddenly taken over by a dream of freedom and independence, his shadow is
speaking. When a woman with a health-conscious lifestyle craves ice cream and feels
compelled to binge in the dark of night, her shadow is acting out. When a normally kind
mother belittles her child, her shadow is showing. When a pious priest sneaks off to find a
prostitute in a back alley, his shadow is erupting.
In each of these instances, the individual’s persona, the mask shown to the world, is
split off from the shadow, the face hidden from the world. The deeper this rift and the
more unconscious the shadow, the more we experience it as a stranger, an Other, an alien
invader. Therefore, we cannot face it in ourselves or tolerate it in others. Whether this
invasion takes the form of such self-destructive behaviors as addiction • eating disorders •
depression • anxiety disorders • psychosomatic disorders • severe guilt or shame • or
whether it takes the form of such destructive behaviors toward others as verbal abuse •
physical abuse • sexual abuse • marital affairs • lying • envy • blaming • stealing • or
betrayal, it brings pain and crisis in its wake. It introduces us to the Other, the one within
who feels as if it cannot be tamed, who seems as if it cannot be controlled. It shakes us
out of complacency, making us feel unacceptable, anxious, irritable, disgusted, outraged
at ourselves.
A woman may shake her head and say to herself, “I can’t believe that I had unprotected
sex with that man. I wasn’t myself last night.” Or a man may hang his head and say, “I
was drunk. It was the wine that made me say those mean things. It will never happen
again.” But the meeting with the shadow has occurred. Meeting the shadow in ourselves
is disquieting because it tears holes in our masks. It causes us to act irrationally and feel
ashamed, embarrassed, unacceptable, regretful—and to quickly deny responsibility for
what we said or did.