Table Of Content

Rewriting the Rules We live in a time of uncertainty about relationships. We search for The One but find ourselves staying single because nobody measures up. We long for a happily-ever-after but break-up after break-up leave us bruised and confused. Rewriting the Rules: An Anti Self-Help Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships is a friendly guide through the complicated – and often contradictory – advice that’s given about sex and gender, monogamy and confl ict, break-up and commitment. It asks questions about the rules of love, such as which do we choose from all the rules on offer? Do we stick to the old rules we learnt growing up, or do we try something new and risk being out on our own? And what about the times when the rules we love by seem to make things worse, rather than better? This new edition, updated throughout, considers how the rules are being ‘rewritten’ in various ways – for example in monogamish and polyamorous relationships, different ways of understanding sex and gender, and new ideas for managing commitment and break-up where economics, communities, or child-care make complete separation impossible. The book considers how the rules are being ‘rewritten’ in various ways, giving you the power to fi nd an approach that best fi ts your situation. Dr. Meg-John Barker is the author of popular books including Queer: A Graphic History , How to Understand Your Gender , Enjoy Sex (How, When and IF You Want To) , The Psychology of Sex , and The Secrets of Enduring Love . They bring years of experience and expertise from therapy, academic research, and working in communities to the topics of sex, gender, and relationships. You can read Meg-John’s blog to accompany this book at rewriting- the-rules.com. Rewriting the Rules An Anti Self-Help Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships 2nd Edition Meg-John Barker F irst published 2018 by Routledge 2 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon OX14 4RN a nd by Routledge 7 11 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10017 Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business © 2018 Meg-John Barker T he right of Meg-John Barker to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. A ll rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers. Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe. British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data A catalog record for this book has been requested I SBN: 978-1-138-04358-9 (hbk) I SBN: 978-1-138-04359-6 (pbk) I SBN: 978-1-315-17306-1 (ebk) T ypeset in Palatino b y Apex CoVantage, LLC This book is dedicated to the memory of my dear friend, colleague, and mentor Trevor Butt Contents List of Illustrations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xi Preface to the second edition: rewriting rewriting the rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xiii 1 Rewriting the rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 Uncertainty and the rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2 The rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 An anti self-help book? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19 2 Rewriting the rules of yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .26 Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .33 Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .43 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .50 3 Rewriting the rules of love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .51 What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .52 Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .60 Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .68 Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .76 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .83 4 Rewriting the rules of sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .85 What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .86 Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .93 Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .103 Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .112 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .119 viii ◆ Contents 5 Rewriting the rules of gender . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .121 What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .122 Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .128 Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .138 Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .146 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .156 6 Rewriting the rules of monogamy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .159 What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .160 Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .167 Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .177 Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .184 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .195 7 Rewriting the rules of conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .197 What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .198 Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .205 Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .214 Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .222 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .232 8 Rewriting the rules of break-up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .233 What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .234 Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .240 Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .248 Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .255 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .269 9 Rewriting the rules of commitment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .271 What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .272 Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .278 Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .286 Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .295 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .309 1 0 Rewriting your rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .311 Why not rewrite your rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .313 Self-care and rewriting the rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .324 Contents ◆ ix Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .332 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .334 Notes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .337 Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .367

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403 Pages·2018·2.37 MB·English
by  Meg-John Barker
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Rewriting the Rules We live in a time of uncertainty about relationships. We search for The One but find ourselves staying single because nobody measures up. We long for a happily-ever-after but break-up after break-up leave us bruised and confused. Rewriting the Rules: An Anti Self-Help Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships is a friendly guide through the complicated – and often contradictory – advice that’s given about sex and gender, monogamy and confl ict, break-up and commitment. It asks questions about the rules of love, such as which do we choose from all the rules on offer? Do we stick to the old rules we learnt growing up, or do we try something new and risk being out on our own? And what about the times when the rules we love by seem to make things worse, rather than better? This new edition, updated throughout, considers how the rules are being ‘rewritten’ in various ways – for example in monogamish and polyamorous relationships, different ways of understanding sex and gender, and new ideas for managing commitment and break-up where economics, communities, or child-care make complete separation impossible. The book considers how the rules are being ‘rewritten’ in various ways, giving you the power to fi nd an approach that best fi ts your situation. Dr. Meg-John Barker is the author of popular books including Queer: A Graphic History , How to Understand Your Gender , Enjoy Sex (How, When and IF You Want To) , The Psychology of Sex , and The Secrets of Enduring Love . They bring years of experience and expertise from therapy, academic research, and working in communities to the topics of sex, gender, and relationships. You can read Meg-John’s blog to accompany this book at rewriting- the-rules.com. Rewriting the Rules An Anti Self-Help Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships 2nd Edition Meg-John Barker F irst published 2018 by Routledge 2 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon OX14 4RN a nd by Routledge 7 11 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10017 Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business © 2018 Meg-John Barker T he right of Meg-John Barker to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. A ll rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers. Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe. British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data A catalog record for this book has been requested I SBN: 978-1-138-04358-9 (hbk) I SBN: 978-1-138-04359-6 (pbk) I SBN: 978-1-315-17306-1 (ebk) T ypeset in Palatino b y Apex CoVantage, LLC This book is dedicated to the memory of my dear friend, colleague, and mentor Trevor Butt Contents List of Illustrations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xi Preface to the second edition: rewriting rewriting the rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xiii 1 Rewriting the rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 Uncertainty and the rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2 The rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 An anti self-help book? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19 2 Rewriting the rules of yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .26 Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .33 Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .43 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .50 3 Rewriting the rules of love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .51 What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .52 Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .60 Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .68 Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .76 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .83 4 Rewriting the rules of sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .85 What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .86 Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .93 Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .103 Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .112 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .119 viii ◆ Contents 5 Rewriting the rules of gender . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .121 What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .122 Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .128 Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .138 Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .146 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .156 6 Rewriting the rules of monogamy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .159 What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .160 Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .167 Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .177 Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .184 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .195 7 Rewriting the rules of conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .197 What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .198 Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .205 Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .214 Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .222 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .232 8 Rewriting the rules of break-up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .233 What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .234 Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .240 Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .248 Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .255 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .269 9 Rewriting the rules of commitment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .271 What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .272 Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .278 Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .286 Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .295 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .309 1 0 Rewriting your rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .311 Why not rewrite your rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .313 Self-care and rewriting the rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .324 Contents ◆ ix Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .332 Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .334 Notes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .337 Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .367

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