Republican Party Reptile: The Confessions, Adventures, Essays and (Other) Outrages of P J O'Rourke

173 Pages·1987·1.14 MB·English

by  O'Rourke P J

Republican Party Reptile
Also by P. J. O’Rourke Modern Manners
The Bachelor Home Companion
Holidays in Hell
Parliament of Whores
Give War a Chance
All the Trouble in the World
Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut
The American Spectator’s Enemies List
Eat the Rich
The CEO of the Sofa
Republican Party Reptile
Essays and Outrages by
P. J. O’Rourke
Copyright © 1987 by P. J. O’Rourke All rights reserved. No part of this book
may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means,
including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in
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in a review. Scanning, uploading, and electronic distribution of this book or the
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inquiries to Grove/Atlantic, Inc., 841 Broadway, New York, NY 10003 or
[email protected].
Published simultaneously in Canada
Printed in the United States of America
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data O’Rourke, P. J.
Republican Party reptile.
I. Title.
PN6162.076 1987 814′.54 86-26504
eBook ISBN-13: 978-1-55584717-3
Design by Laura Hammond Hough Atlantic Monthly Press
an imprint of Grove/Atlantic, Inc.
841 Broadway
New York, NY 10003
Distributed by Publishers Group West
www.groveatlantic.com
To
Warren G. Harding
The original get-down Republican
“I am not fit for this office and never
should have been here.”
Acknowledgments
“A Brief History of Man,” “Myths Made Modern,” “A Long, Thoughtful Look
Back at the Last Fifteen Minutes,” “Just One of Those Days,” “How to Drive
Fast on Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your
Drink,” “The King of Sandusky, Ohio,” and parts of the introductory essay
originally appeared in the National Lampoon. “Tune In, Turn On, Go to the
Office Late on Monday,” “Goons, Guns, and Gold,” “In Search of the Cocaine
Pirates,” and “With Hostage and Hijacker in Sunny Beirut” appeared in Rolling
Stone. “Hollywood Etiquette,” “Dinner-Table Conversation,” and “Moving to
New Hampshire” appeared in House and Garden. “Ferrari Refutes the Decline
of the West,” “High-Speed Performance Characteristics of Pickup Trucks,” and
“A Cool and Logical Analysis of the Bicycle Menace” appeared in Car and
Driver. “An Intellectual Experiment” and “Safety Nazis” appeared in Inquiry.
“Ship of Fools” appeared in Harper’s. And “Horrible Protestant Hats” appeared
on the op-ed page of the Wall Street Journal. The author would like to thank
these publications for permission to reprint this material. The author would also
like to thank editors, past and present, for their assistance and suggestions. In
particular, he owes a debt of gratitude to Susan Devins at National Lampoon,
Carolyn White and Bob Wallace at Rolling Stone, Shelley Wanger at House and
Garden, David E. Davis, Jr., and Don Coulter at Car and Driver, and Michael
Kinsley and Bob Asahina at Harper’s.
Contents
Introduction: Apologia Pro Vita Republican Party Reptile Sua
THINGS OF THE INTELLECT
A Brief History of Man
An Intellectual Experiment
Myths Made Modern
Tune In, Turn On, Go to the Office Late on Monday
A Long, Thoughtful Look Back at the Last Fifteen Minutes
WORLD POLITICS
Safety Nazis
Ship of Fools
Goons, Guns, and Gold
Just One of Those Days
MAN AND TRANSPORTATION
Ferrari Refutes the Decline of the West
High-Speed Performance Characteristics of Pickup Trucks
A Cool and Logical Analysis of the Bicycle Menace
How to Drive Fast on Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed
and Not Spill Your Drink
MANNERS AND MORES
Hollywood Etiquette
Dinner-Table Conversation
An Alphabet for Schoolboys
Horrible Protestant Hats
THE ENDS OF THE EARTH
In Search of the Cocaine Pirates
With Hostage and Hijacker in Sunny Beirut
Moving to New Hampshire
THE KING OF SANDUSKY, OHIO
A boy is hitchhiking on a country road. A car stops for him,
and the driver asks, “Are you a Republican or a
Democrat?”
“Democrat,” says the boy, and the car speeds off.
Another car stops, and the driver asks, “Are you a
Republican or a Democrat?”
“Democrat,” says the boy, and the car speeds off.
This happens two or three times, and the boy decides he’s giving the
wrong answer. The next car that stops is a convertible driven by a beautiful
blonde. “Are you a Republican or a Democrat?” she asks.
“Republican,” says the boy, and she lets him in.
But as they’re driving along, the wind from the open top begins to push
the blonde’s skirt higher and higher up her legs. And the boy finds himself
becoming aroused. Finally he can’t control himself any longer. “Stop!” he
hollers. “Let me out! I’ve only been a Republican for ten minutes and already I
feel like screwing somebody!”
—popular joke from the 1930s