Real Men Don't Eat Quiche : A Guidebook to All That Is Truly Masculine PDF
Preview Real Men Don't Eat Quiche : A Guidebook to All That Is Truly Masculine
44831 - 5 • $3 95- POCKET Real Men Dont Eat Quiche A Guidebook!! toAllThat Is Truly Masculine Bruce Feirstein Illustrated by Lee Lorenz Real Men Don't Eat Quiche in true, Real Man fashion, thousands of live trees were sacrificed in order to make this book. Real Men, after all, couldn't possibly take anything seriously that was written on recycled paper. Real Men Don't Eat Quiche BY BRUCE FEIRSTEIH Illustrated by Lee Lorenz PUBLISHED BY POCKET BOOKS NEW YORK Portions oí this originally appeared in Playboy. This essay is dedicated to Suzanne and Frank Schwartz; a pair of die-hard Real Men. Additionally, a large measure of thanks is due Jim Morgan of Playboy. who shaped and encouraged the original idea; plus Patty Detroit, Marly Asher, Lee Lorenz, Peggy Siegal, Jacques Chazaud, Milton Charles. Trish Todd and Peter Minichiello. Also, the IBM Displaywriter, serial number 6580-26 00 19972. Another Original publication of POCKET BOOKS POCKET BOOKS, a Simon & Schuster division of GULF & WESTERN CORPORATION POCKET 1230 Avenue of the Americas. New York. N.Y. 10020 Text Copyright 1982 by Bruce Feirslein Illustrations Copyright 1902 by Lee Lorenz Design by Jacques Chazaud All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Pocket Books, 1230 Avenue of the Americas. Hew York. H.Y. 10020 ISBH: 0-671-44831-5 First Pocket Books printing. May, 1982 10 9 8 POCKET and colophon are trademarks of Simon flc Schuster Printed in the U.S.A. Contents Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche 7 "| a Introduction 9 2, The Modern Real Man 13 The Modern Real Man's Credo 17 Real Man Quiz # 1 18 Who's Who in Real Men 19 Real Man Quiz #2 24 ^eThe Real Man Film Festival 25 How to Turn Yourself into a Modern Gary Cooper 28 7 , The Real Man at Work 34 Real Man Quiz #3 37 ^#The Real Man's Library 38 Q Great Moments in Real Man • Literature 41 -| rv Three Things You Won't Find in Av* a Real Man's Pocket 42 Ha Moc*em Sex and Romance 43 -| ry What Today's Real Man Looks -LXa for in a Woman 46 Real Men Qualities the Old-Style Real Man Don’t Eat A<Ja Looks for in a Woman 48 Quiche 8 Real Man Quiz #4 49 -■ A Great Moments in Real Man A *• History 50 -| e Black Dates in the Real Man's A3a Heritage 54 -■ Great Lines from Real Man AO a Movies 56 The Old-Style Real Man in A / • Action 57 18« Rea* Men and Sports 59 19« Rea* Men and Television 69 Five Things a Real Man Doesn't XUa Do at a Party 72 'll The Real Man's nutritional Guide 75 rj ry Two Colors That Do Hot Appear in a Real Man's Wardrobe 78 23 a The Real Man and His Music 79 24a The Real Man's Resume 85 Quiz: Are You Today's Real Man? 87 25a The Real Man's Hall of Fame 89 A Few Words About Real ^rV>a women 91 ry The Final Advantage to Being • Today's Real Man 92 1 Real Men Don't Eat Quiche Introduction 9 M M ^^Weal men don't eat quiche," said Flex Crush, ordering a breakfast of steak, prime rib, JK Asix eggs, and a loaf of toast. We were sitting in the professional drivers' section of an all-night truckers' pit stop somewhere west of Tulsa on 1-44, discussing the plight of men in today's society. Flex, a 225-pound nuclear-waste driver who claims to be one of the last Real Men in existence, was pensive: "American men are all mixed up today," he began, idly cleaning the 12-gauge shotgun that was sitting across his knees. Off in the distance, the sun was just beginning to rise over the tractor trailers in the parking lot. "There was a time when this was a nation of Ernest Hemingways. Real Men. The kind of guys who could defoliate an entire forest to make a breakfast fire— and then go on to wipe out an endangered species hunting for lunch. But not anymore. We've become a nation of wimps. Pansies. Quiche eaters. Alan Alda types—who cook and clean and relate to their wives. Phil Donahue clones—who are warm and sensitive and vulnerable. It's not enough anymore that we earn a living and protect women and children from plagues, famine, and encyclopedia salesmen. But now we re Real Men also supposed to be supportive. And understanding. Don't Eat And sincere . . . Quiche "And where's it gotten us? I'll tell you where. Just look around the world today. The Japanese make bet 10 ter cars. The Israelis better soldiers. The Irish better violence. And everybody else is using our embassies for target practice. All things considered, it's no won der the rest of the world thinks we can't topple a simple banana republic without going to an encounter ses sion about it first. "1 mean, if you really want to see how bad things have gotten, just look at the products America is build ing today. We used to create things like the Panama Canal. The Hoover Dam. The fifty-seven Chevy. The interstate highway system. The front line of the Green Bay Packers. But now? We re building hot-doggers. Electric hair-curlers. FryDaddy. FryBaby. Selecta- Vision. At least the pharaohs built the pyramids. It worries me no end that ten million years from now we'll be remembered as the civilization that created est, frozen yogurt, 'Eight Is Enough,' salad bars, cruise control, restaurants that spin, surf'n'turf, and the 'Phil Donahue Show.' " The entire restaurant was mesmerized. It was so quiet you could hear the day's fresh-caught fish thaw ing in the freezer. Flex continued: "now, I ask you. Back when America was king—did John Wayne have relationships'? Was Clark Gable ever worried about giving his women enough space ? Was Bogart ever lonely because he couldn't have a 'mean ingful dialogue' with some dame? Do you seriously think we would have ever won World War Two if Ike thought Hitler was just going through a bad mid-life crisis—and should be allowed to work it out ? “Of course not. "But that's the whole point. If you really want to see what's happening to us, look at today's movies. In stead of having John Wayne fight Hazis and commies for peace and democracy, we've got Dustin Hoffman Fighting Meryl Streep for a four-year-old in Kramer vs. Kramer. It's no wonder things are so mixed up. Thirty years ago, the Duke would have slapped the broad around and shipped the kid off to military school. But
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