Ready for air : a journey through premature motherhood

300 Pages·2013·1.117 MB·English

by  Hopper, Kate

Ready for Air
This page intentionally left blank
eady for
R
ir
A
A Journey through
Premature Motherhood
Kate Hopper
University of Minnesota Press
Minneapolis • London
Author’s note: This is a work of memory, and though memory is flawed, I have tried
to be truthful and, where possible, verify my memories with those involved. I
relied on research to substantiate my medical experiences, but any medical error in
the book is my own. Names and other identifying physical characteristics of some
individuals have been changed to protect identities. I did not use composite char-
acters, but I occasionally omitted a person from a scene as long as that omission
did not compromise the veracity or substance of the story.
“Relinquishment” is from The Dead and the Living by Sharon Olds, copyright 1987
by Sharon Olds. Reprinted by permission of Alfred A. Knopf, a division of Random
House, Inc. Any third-party use of this material, outside of this publication, is pro-
hibited. Interested parties must apply directly to Random House, Inc. for permission.
Copyright 2013 by Kate Hopper
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a
retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechan-
ical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission
of the publisher.
Published by the University of Minnesota Press
111 Third Avenue South, Suite 290
Minneapolis, MN 55401-2520
http://www.upress.umn.edu
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Hopper, Kate.
Ready for air : a journey through premature motherhood / Kate Hopper.
ISBN 978-0-8166-8932-3 (pb : alk. paper)
1. Hopper, Kate—Health. 2. Premature infants—Biography. 3. Premature
infants—Care. 4. Premature infants—Care—Psychological aspects. 5. Mother
and infant—Psychological aspects. I. Title.
RJ250.H59 2013
618.92'011—dc23
2013014537
Printed in the United States of America on acid-free paper
The University of Minnesota is an equal-opportunity educator and employer.
20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
For my family
This page intentionally left blank
As if no one had ever tried before,
try to say what you see
and feel and love and lose.
Rainer Maria Rilke
This page intentionally left blank
1
It’s midmorning, but already the air is thick
and the streets are gummy. Heat rises in rippling waves from the
asphalt, inflating me beyond what pregnancy seems to mandate. At
seven months pregnant, the only shoes that still fit are plastic flip-
flops, and as I make my way slowly into the heart of downtown,
they slap against the concrete. I should have splurged on the parking
ramp next to my obstetrician’s office, but it’s a luxury I can’t afford.
I didn’t expect pregnancy to be so unpleasant. My mother
claims that she never felt better, that she was “full of energy,” that
she “glowed.” She looks perplexed when I tell her how much I hate
it. But it’s not just the swelling and heaviness I dislike, or even hav-
ing to eliminate alcohol, caffeine, and decongestant from my diet;
it’s the worrying and waiting that bother me most. Pregnancy has
brought my neuroses bubbling to the surface, and I worry about
everything: the six (or ten?) glasses of wine I downed in the days
before I knew I was pregnant; the antidepressants I weaned myself
from during those first weeks; the level of mercury in the fish I ate
last month. I also worry about things like cell division, meiosis and
mitosis, those hazy terms from high school biology that now have an
immediate bearing on my life, on my child’s life.
My mom says she didn’t worry about any of those things when
she was pregnant. “We didn’t know enough to be worried,” she says.
I raise my eyebrows, skeptical. I’m convinced that her memory has
rewritten the worry just as it has rewritten the discomfort of preg-
nancy: the swollen ankles, the bloating, the sluggishness.
To make matters worse, I’ve developed a horrible cough. It’s a
dry, hacking cough, and by the time I get to the center of downtown,
my chest feels raw and heavy. I’m determined to get my doctor to
prescribe something to quell it.
1