Raising Ryland: Our Story of Parenting a Transgender Child with No Strings Attached

230 Pages·2015·9.753 MB·English

by  Hillary Whittington

Author’s Note
This is a work of nonfiction. The events and experiences detailed herein are all
true and have been faithfully rendered as we have remembered them, to the best
of our ability. Some names, identities, and circumstances have been changed in
order to protect anonymity of the various individuals involved. Though
conversations come from our keen recollection of them, they are not written to
represent word-for-word documentation; rather, we’ve retold them in a way that
evokes the real feeling and meaning of what was said, in keeping with the true
essence of the mood and spirit of the event.
Please note that in the first chapter, when this story starts, we will refer to Ryland
using female pronouns. Then, at the point in the story when we allow Ryland to
transition to the male gender, we will use male pronouns, which everyone who
knows him does today.
Dedication
For Ryland and Brynley, with hopes of making this world a more
loving, accepting place for you and the future generations to thrive
Contents
Dedication
Author’s Note
Prologue
PART ONE: LEARNING TO LISTEN
Chapter One: Ryland’s Creation
Chapter Two: Baby Signs
Chapter Three: The Gift of Sound
Chapter Four: Clothing Catastrophes
Chapter Five: Immediate Attention
Chapter Six: Growing Family
Chapter Seven: Canvas for a Cause
Photo Section
PART TWO: EMBRACING OUR SON
Chapter Eight: Transitional Kindergarten
Chapter Nine: Shaping the Future
Chapter Ten: Gender Spectrum
Chapter Eleven: Heat in the Marriage
Chapter Twelve: Nuclear Reaction
Chapter Thirteen: Educating the Educators
Chapter Fourteen: First Day of School
Chapter Fifteen: Spiritual Enlightenment
Chapter Sixteen: Transgender Day of Empowerment
Chapter Seventeen: Coming Out
Chapter Eighteen: Child at Play
Chapter Nineteen: Conclusion
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
Prologue
“Mom . . . why did God make me this way?”
I
t happened two years ago, but I still remember it like it was yesterday: in his
Batman zip-up pajamas and with his chin quivering, five-year-old Ryland stood
in the doorway of his bedroom. His face streamed with tears as he looked up at
me, struggling to understand why he’d been the kid chosen to walk such a
difficult road.
It’s amazing how one question can hold the power to change everything in
your life. It was profound in its simplicity, and the most incredible part of it was
the fact that it came from a toddler. But that’s who Ryland is: the innocent, self-
aware, strong, and compassionate child who has already educated millions of
people about what it means to be transgender.
The moment when I knew we could not ignore Ryland’s journey had actually
occurred the night before he asked me that question, after he’d told me that he
would wait for our family to die so he could cut his hair. To him, only being free
of the very people who loved him most would make it possible for him to exist
on the outside as the same person he was on the inside.
It’s hard for most people to imagine that starting as young as age two, a child
could feel so much anguish about being categorized as one gender when he
identified with the other. As parents, it’s our job to guide our children into
making healthy, wise decisions for their future; but few parents ever face the
degree of challenges that we’ve experienced with Ryland. As devastated as we
were to get the diagnosis that our child was deaf, just after his first birthday, no
one could have prepared me for the news that this same child, my little Ryland,
was also transgender.
But there was no fighting it. At two years old, Ryland underwent a procedure
to receive cochlear implants that made it possible for him to hear. But almost as
soon as he was able to hear our words and communicate with us verbally, he
needed us to listen to the truth that he was trying to express: “I’m a boy,” our
child would tell us, even though Ryland had been assigned female at birth.
It grew impossible to try to talk him out of it. After much conflict, many
sleepless nights, and stacks of books written by developmental psychologists,
gender experts, and individuals who had made their own gender transitions, we
knew that we had to allow our daughter to become our son.
This was our child, and we would love Ryland unconditionally, but our fears
came from how the world would view our child. Wearing external devices on
each ear that make it possible for the cochlear implants to do their job, Ryland
was already visibly different . . . but as the reality of our child’s gender identity
grew clear, I didn’t want Ryland to go through the pain of feeling different. As
his mother, when I read the statistic that 41 percent of transgender people
attempt to take their own lives by age twenty, I felt speechless—but it ignited a
certain empowerment in me. Prior to that, I’d been lost, but now I had direction.
I would not lose my child this way . . . even if that meant sacrificing my marriage
to the man I loved—Ryland’s father, Jeff.
Through it all, however, we remain together, and Ryland’s knowledge of who
he is never wavers. This is part of what many people find so lovable and
admirable about him.
Raising Ryland is our story of raising a child who lives with not one, but two
factors that have threatened to make him an outcast in today’s world. Primarily,
this book chronicles our journey as a family with a child who has voluntarily
stepped up before the public in an effort to bring understanding to the plight of
the seven hundred thousand Americans, plus those unknown numbers of people,
who are transgender like him. Our goal in writing this book is to let them know
that they are not alone—that there is love here for them.
We’re also eager to bring more understanding about this topic to all families,
teachers, and individuals who are open and even interested to learn more about
it. We’re not here to single-handedly sway all of society to accept Ryland and the
transgender population. Instead, we’re here as a mother and a father who are
determined to do everything we can to create an environment where our child
can grow up with the chance to cultivate the same self-love and confidence to
which every child has the right when he or she is born.
This book is also the revelation of the private turmoil we have faced as the
parents of a transgender child, the resistance we’ve encountered from some of
our family, the overwhelming amount of love and support that pours in to us
from friends and strangers, and our commitment to our mission to make the
world a better, more loving place for both of our children—Ryland and his little
sister, Brynley.
Denial is the most common way for parents of transgender children to deal
with the signs we noticed early on . . . and most transgender children are not as
fortunate as Ryland is. Having known what the book is about when you picked it
up, readers might marvel at the irony that we encountered as we recalled some of
the early events of Ryland’s life—before we were aware that on the inside, our
child was a boy. Most transgender children don’t have parents who accept them
and embrace them for who they really are. For us, and for those children, it’s
time to uncover the truth. There are many transgender children in this world who
will become part of that terrifying statistic.
Ryland is one of the lucky few who can be himself. We wouldn’t have it any
other way.
Part One
Learning to Listen