Private Eye Annual 2017

98 Pages·2017·83.97 MB·Romanian

by  Ian Hislop

,ical Staff Peter O'Bore
,fay last night shocked
wers by promising that
d bring down the Tory
Sir,
at the election to "low
w-es". Given the uncann r, bl
' .• , thnnsands nor propose Trump to Lego s Prel:dee:r; ance ofD onald
IKIRK SPIRIT 2017 e be concerned abnut th- -~szness, should
INCREDIBLE, BRILLIANT
GENIUS CORBYN GETS
ONLY NINE SEATS FEWER
THAN DISASTROUS
NEIL KINNOCK DID IN 1992
On Other Pages
• Useless Loser May Gets Only Two Million
More Votes Than Brilliant Moderniser Dav_1d
Cameron • Political Pygmy Farron o_nly Wins
c:~.., MnrP. Seats Than Serious P~~t_1:,.8~!~g~~~v
HISTORIC DUPflORY
AGREEMENT
! heading for another crash"
Lld The Next
~nBeAMan?
., t Jenny fleet
oyal TV Corresponden
"Th\s would be the
,1s (ouitra0ge o•f" 'i.t: :f;o;r , me _if theuy
rhen it was w '°w"it"h "s'"
w
1
rBIBLE
3 Slaff St Matthew Parris
, Lawson
>verslal move, Beelzebub has
,i::J~~.
~!.:.~I.ting the top
"Its not a sex robot, you've been had. .. "
BREXIT DEBATE
WE WANT 'LACK OF
CONTROL' SAYS PUBLIC
by Our Staff Hugh Extremely Angry Bastard
BRITAIN was yesterday In the grip of furious confronta
sides In the Brexlt crisis called for "less reasoned deb
.. rabid abuse". .
ght - lets post that up on Said one leading Brexiteer, "1 hloa:t e everyone who d1sa
ifesbetterthanyours.com" and they should all be locked up treason.".
A senior Remainer, however, disagreed v10lently, sh
-1:,.....,,.,.rpp with me? You should be locked up f
IRAQ CELEBRATES AS
rHE OLD TIMES KIM JONG-UN GOES BALLISTIC
1666
RUBBLE LIBERATED
:AT FIRE OF LONDON \
SONS WILL BE LEARNED' "Id Isis regime and is 100 percen
THERE were scenes of w1 . back under gover!'men
rPlPhr:::ition today after Iraq~ ___ ._ .. ,,.," ~~irt :::in lraai tan
CAVALIER GOVERNMENT
Why popular
y DIARIST AND BLOIGG ER SAMUEL PEPYS
things are rubbish
in Pudding Lane
dy spread co the rest
causini:, rlf",;:tn,rrinn l-,., n,,,. rlirl,,h~H rnrroc.-nnn..-lant An.-l t'h:,t c.-nnrt un11 liln,?
EDITED BY IAN HISLOP
/FAKE G~us)
Published in Great Britain by
Private Eye Productions Ltd
6 Carlisle Street, London W1 D 3BN
vvvvvv.private-eye.co.uk
© 2017 Pressdram Ltd
ISBN 978-1-901784-65-7
Designed by BridgetTisdall
Printed and bound in Italy
by L.E.G.O. S.p.A
2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1
/J,
MIX
Paper from
FSC responsible sources
www.fsc.org FSC* C023419
EDITED BY IAN HISLOP
"He spends all day staring at his phone"
HOW AMERICAN Fake Sheikh
POLITICS HAS CHANGED Exposed!
THEN NOW
by Our Crime Staff Roy al-Twitt
FOR years he dressed up in business partners for British
Arab costume in order to fool industry.
his victims, many of them Why did they keep falling for
innocent Saudi princes, into it? Everyone knew that Chazza
agreeing to dodgy deals which was up to no good and would stop
they would later regret. But at nothing to get their signatures
now at last the man they call on the papers.
"the Fake Sheikh" can be Said one innocent prince,
revealed as none other than Shufti Al-Baqhanda, "I had no
Chazza Mahmood, aka Charles idea I was actually buying enough
Windsor. equipment to invade Yemen. I
His technique was always the went along with it because he
same, to go to the Middle East in seemed a nice bloke and offered
a stupid headdress, accompanied me access to Windsor Castle.
by an unhidden camera team, He seemed very well connected
and suggest to his gullible prey and claimed to be closely related
that they buy billions of pounds' to the Queen. How was I to
worth of arms, aircraft and know that his disguise masked
missile systems. a ruthless, cynical arms dealer
The next thing they knew, they and organic biscuit salesman,
were splashed all over the papers who worked for a discredited
and portrayed as important organisation known as Britain?"
DAILYi BREXPRESS GRAYLING ANNOUNCES
HS2 TIMETABLE
BREXIT WILL CREATE
Transport Secretary Chris Grayling this week announced
MILLIONS OF NEW plans for the high-speed train. The timetable for
completion of the new line will be as follows:
JOBS - IT'S OFFICIAL 2033 delay - leaves on the line
2043 delay - homes on the line
2053 delay - jobs on the line
By Our Brexit Staff Yuri Sceptik arrangements for agriculture, 2063 delay-trains on the line (continued to 2094)
fisheries, justice and home
A LEAKED, top-secret govern affairs, foreign and defence
ment document has revealed policy, access to the Single
that Britain's decision to leave European Sky, and God knows BREXIT LATEST
the EU will immediately lead what else.
to the creation of three million "Apparently, there are 35
jobs. different areas that we hadn't
This stunning news is yet even thought about, and we
more proof that pulling out of no longer have anyone in
the EU is the best thing that has government who understands
ever happened to Britain. any of it." We send the EU £50 million ad ay
The new jobs, according to At this point, it is clear that 4
the secret document, will all be the authors of the document let's fund~ur :NHS. insteid f vo;Lea,e ~
needed under the government's underwent some sort of nervous
plan to hire huge numbers of breakdown, as the sentences I
new civil servants to work out became ever more disjointed and Let's take back control J ~
in practical terms how Britain hysterical in tone.
can possibly extricate itself from The final paragraph
Europe over the next 20 years. concludes, "We're going to need
THEN
The document reveals that, hundreds of thousands of civil
until recently, ministers had no servants to sort out this bloody
idea how complicated it might mess ... No - make that millions."
be to negotiate an end to British Last night the prime minister,
membership of the EU. Theresa May, angrily denied that
As the explosive secret such a report existed.
memorandum admits, "It has "This is all nonsense," she
unfortunately been brought told the Brexpress. "I can assure
home to us since June 23, that you that everything is under
when the British people voted to control. I have every confidence
Leave, no one had actually given that our negotiations will run
any though as to how this might very smoothly and that we shall,
be achieved. in good time, be able to tell the
"It has now been pointed British people what we plan to
out that we not only have to do, just as soon as these millions NOW
sort out this trade business, but of new people have worked out
we also have to negotiate new what on earth it is."
5
As tatement by the We don't want a second
Prime Minister the referendum, say hundreds
Rt. Hon. Theresa May of people who clearly do
on the Hinkley Point
by Our Policy Correspondent this process as successful as
we possibly can." After a long
nuclear power station Hugh Turn
pause, she murmured, "Except,
A committee of prominent of course, that it's going to be a
Remain supporters have made complete disaster."
0 F ALL the decisions I clear that they definitely don't A third added, "Look, it's
knew I would have to want another referendum. important that we heal the
make when I at last took "Look, it's over," said one wounds of the referendum
office, I knew that none prominent Remainer. "The will campaign and move on. We
needed more careful thought of the British people has been have to pull together as a nation
than whether it would be made clear, and we are going to to show that more things unite
right to go ahead with Mr leave the EU." He then added, us than divide us. And I think
Cameron and Mr Osborne's sotto voce, "Unless, of course, we can all agree the last thing
completely mad idea of will allow them access to we have another referendum anyone wants is a second
getting the Chinese and the whatever nuclear secrets because Remain would win by a referendum!"
French to build a nuclear Britain may have left and landslide." A few seconds later, he
power station at Hinkley will give them control of Another said, "We're not added, almost inaudibly, "But we
Point. Britain's future energy trying to fight old battles. The definitely want one and we think
That is why, in a policy, enabling them key thing now is that we make we're going to get it."
defining first act of my to switch off our lights
premiership, I called in the whenever they choose.
decision so that I could 'No Major Effect'
Arguments for
give very careful thought to
all the arguments for and Hinkley
against proceeding with the From Brexit So Far
project. • In a very constructive
telephone call with
This is how I set out the
President Xi, he told me THE Office for National said an ONS spokesman.
pros and cons which enabled
me to come to a firm, that if we cancelled the deal, Statistics (ONS) says its findings "This is because until Theresa
sensible and considered his country would never do that Brexit has so far had May invokes Article 50, we are
decision. any business with Britain little effect on the UK economy still at present a member of the
again. are most likely down to the European Union and able to
Arguments against fact that we haven't had Brexit trade tariff-free across the 2 7
After responsibly weighing
Hinkley yet. member states.
up the arguments on both
"Amazingly, the economy is "To put it in more technical
• It will be the most sides, I have decided that it continuing as if we are still at terms, the shit hasn't hit the
expensive power station ever would be in Britain's best
present a member of the European fan yet, as Theresa May tries to
built in the history of the interests to carry on with
Union and able to trade tariff-free delay turning the fan on for as
world. this excellent deal and that
across the 27 member states," long as possible."
we are deeply grateful for
• In order to persuade the
the very generous help
Chinese and the French
to build it, we have had being offered to us by the Those tell-tale signs
People's Republic of China
to allow them to sell the
and its illustrious and
electricity to us at twice the you have asthma in full
far-seeing President Xi, of
normal price.
whom a large statue will
• From all the evidence, this be placed on the fourth Rasping/wheezing sounds When you're asked why you were
type of reactor can probably plinth in Trafalgar Square granted exemption to take powerful steroids
never be made to work. as a mark of the undying
• We could have bought respect in which this Tightness in your chest
four nuclear power stations great world statesman will When the IOC drug
from Korea for half the price be held by the people of testers call
and they have been proved Britain for generations to Gasping for breath When
to work. come.
Russian hackers release
• The Chinese are clearly Signed your medical files
only interested because it Mrs Theresa May
Winning the Tour de
France
- -,
BRITISH NAVY RESPONDS TO RUSSIAN
WARSHIP IN CHANNEL
(I.VI) ;.,J()
the: {; r-e
6
FEAR OVER HACKED P~ETRY ~~RNER
ME AND MY SPOON
PIPPA PHOTOS
In Memoriam
THIS WEEK
Jimmy Perry, creator of
Dad's Army and other (courtesy of the
by Our Technology Staff I. Cloud legendary sitcoms Spoonsnet website)
BUCKINGHAM Palace was pretty graphic images, but this
So. Farewell
bracing itself last night for one actually shows her sitting
Then Jimmy Perry,
the publication of stolen fully clothed at a desk staring at
Not hi-de-hi, alas
photographs of Pippa a computer screen.
Middleton, the sister of the "It could damage her But bye-de-bye.
Duchess of Cambridge. reputation irrevocably and it
Unlike your work,
The photos are believed to is pretty low for someone to
You will never
be of a "revealing nature" and expose her in this compromising
apparently show Ms Middleton way, rather than just partying, Be seen again.
"as she has never been seen drinking, giggling and ligging."
Let's hope you
before". He concluded, ''This shows
Are not going
Among the 3,000 hacked Ms Middleton in a very different
To where "It ain't
photos, one in particular has light and it may lead to her
horrified royal officials which being ostracised by minor Half hot mum".
purports to show Pippa "doing members of the royal family
But if you are,
some work". who do not approve of this type
And you meet a JEREMY CORBYN
Said a spokesman for the of behaviour."
palace, "We were expecting some Pippa Middleton is 26-24-38. Man with horns
And a pitchfork, What is your favourite spoon?
Don't tell him I'm totally anti-sugar
on health grounds, so it
Your name,
~elegrnph CAMPAIGN Perry! wouldn't be a sugar spoon
and I consequently don't use
E.J. Thribbute spoons very often because
(17½ repeats per week) most spoons are, at some
stage, implicated in the sugar
industry.
NEW BOOK:
Surely there is one spoon you
NAZIS WERE ALL like?
Well, occasionally I am
Rule ON DRUGS forced to use a spoon against
my will and better judgement,
Britannia!
in what I can only describe as
Save this iconic incidents of spoon bullying,
although, as I have made clear,
I am a committed non-sugar
British flagship
spoonist, which is, I think,
only fair and just...
Once it was a byword for Britishness as it sailed gloriously Can you just tell me what
through your letterbox and onto your breakfast table. your favourite spoon is?
The SS Telegraph came to symbolise everything that was If you would just let me
great about Great Britain. finish, I would have to say
that it would have to be a jam
A fruity actress on the front page; a juicy divorce on page 3;
spoon because one of my
an angry letter from Sir Herbert Gussett on page 27; hobbies is making jam.
an obituary of Wing Commander Horatio 'Smithy'
Doesn't jam contain a lot of
Smithington-Smythe on page 39; the marriage of Ms
sugar?
Arabella Tarara-Boomdeeyay to the Right Honourable
That is typical of the
Hugo Shortte-Planque; a piece on medieval reliquaries by mainstream media, taking
Christopher Howse on page (that's enough of the sort of my words out of context and
stuff that made the Telegraph great, Ed). deliberately misinterpreting
what I say to fit a Blairite
Now we are launching a campaign to save the sinking ship
neo-Liberal agenda. I'm
that is the SS Telegraph (and its sister ship the
disappointed in Spoonsnet.
SS S Telegraph). The once mighty flagship is no longer ruling
Really I expected better.
the marmalade but has been sold off and scuppered by its
current owners. Once with a crew of nearly 3,000 highly It's a fairly simple question,
but your reply makes you
trained hacks, now a skeleton staff of three are steering
sound crackers ...
the paper onto the rocks.
Don't get me started on
We say bring back the Telegraph and give Britain biscuits.
a vessel that can promote Brexit around the world,
Has anything amusing ever
or at least on the 07.35 from Tunbridge Wells
happened to you with regard
(replacement bus service from Sevenoaks). to spoons or indeed to
~~~:,$=' 7
For as little as £1 .40 a day, you can help restore anything else at all, ever?
the Telegraph to its pride of place, in the cat litter or f"'Stcil(~-. No.
on the floor of the budgie cage.
"I'm afraid I don't know how NEXT WEEK: Britney Spears,
babies are made, sorry" "Me And My Spears".
7
ANGELINA BLAMES BRAD PITT FOR SPLIT
From The Message Boards
Members of the online community respond to the major
issues of the day. ..
Parents regret baby names
:. Guys, a survey claims that 18% of parents suffer 'baby name
remorse', and 2% actually change the sprog's name. Any
thoughts? - Bogbrush
mohammed is the most popler name so i calld my boy
mohammed for his cristien name? turn's out its a muslim name
- Keneisha
christien name's are wierd to be fare its like that poem the
remember Mr lords pear? when it say's hello be my name? if i met a person
& Mrs Smith? and there name was hello, id be like HELLO? WTF - Darling
Deneyse
v-. Let's make Mel and Sue the most popular names as a tribute to
their refusal to leave the BBC! #talent #courage - Sarah
Sarah written by myself. And even
Smile
our children had to read about
hitlers mum must have regret's lets face it you cant get a more
themselves in the pages of the
imbarrising name than adolf hitler - Hunny pot
Vain Daily Mail, to their immense
embarrassment. My fair wife, if I ever meet her, will have a thousand years of
Angelfolc blood coursing through her veins. Our children will be
But we've come through
Raedwald, Aethelweard and Edmund. - Athelstan
it and I consider myself to be
older, stronger and still with We chose names that were in the news at the time. Our kids
It's not about you!
are Holly, Jessica, Madeleine, Jamie, Rhys and "Baby Peter" (as
a column, which is quite an
his brothers and sisters call him). People often ask if I regret
OMG! I couldn't believe it! achievement, given that my
our choices, so this time we decided to go for the royal touch
When I heard the news, my husband's no longer a Cabinet
with our little twin princes, Edward and Richard. - Hattie1
first reaction was: the editor Minister.
Hattie!, I have repeatedly asked you to change your user
will be wanting 1,000 words But this isn't a story about
name. I run a successful PR company, and do not wish to be
by lunchtime. me. It's about Brad and
erroneously associated with your morbidly named children.
It's the split of the century, as Angelina and the end of the
- Hattie
the world's most famous power iconic Hollywood relationship,
We named our new daughter Remain, and will never regret it.
couple go their separate ways. Brangelina, that has defined
Our Bulgarian cleaner (a potential victim of Brexit hate crime)
No, not me and Michael. It's this millennium.
asked why we chose this name, and we hugged her and
not the end of what everyone So, what do I think about
replied: 'For you.' I am unashamed to admit that I am weeping
in Westminster enviously calls their relationship? Well, it's as I write this. - Tim the househusband
"Goveyvaina". clearly exactly like mine,
My parents called me Jimmy. - registered user
We've had our ups and except that we're still together,
downs and lived our life in the her husband wasn't in the What's embarrassing about that? - Bogbrush
glare of the media spotlight Cabinet and, whatever else Isn't it obvious? Jimmy Savile. - registered user
and yes, it's had its price, as the she may have achieved, poor I wouldn't worry about that. I'm sure no one associates you
strains of living in the goldfish Angelina has never had a with him. - Bogbrush
bowl have taken their toll. column in the Daily Mail.
Well my surname is Savile and I look a lot like him. White hair
Michael grew a straggly Sad, sad, sad. I could go on,
and tracksuits. - registered user
beard, then shaved it off. I was but I notice that I'm now just
Even so, I'm sure no one thinks ill of you. - Bogbrush
subjected to endless pieces of three letters away from hitting
tabloid nonsense about myself, my word count. OMG! Yes but what if people think I'm pretending to be a celebrity
just to be popular? - registered user
Popular! Are you serious?! - Bogbrush
Am I fuck you retarded English cunt - registered user
Kingy! It's you! G'day old pal, missed our banter since you
were banned! Looking forward to the Ashes? - Bogbrush
Go fuck yourself dipshit - registered user
and stick a bogbrush up your pommy arse - warneys wig
Great stuff guys! - Bogbrush
Get cancer - registered user
Who will repla~e Brangelina? You decide who should be the next
internationally famous couple with a portmanteau name
Willgelina Brandgelina Bongelina Trumpelina Nigelina Hiddlelina Vazelina Angelina
LATE NEWS: Port and Manteau to split. "Irreconcilable differences." "We wanted to lead separate lives." "No other word is involved."
8
EXCLUSIVE Meeting
Theresa May's
breaks out
secret plan to slash
at Ukip fight
immigration to zero
UKIP has reacted angrily after
allegations that a meeting broke
out during a routine brawl at the
by Our Whitehall Staff time, the Daily Telegraph can European Parliament.
Christopher Hopeful reveal its contents in full: Mike Hookem said, "These
1. We ensure that Brexit is a reports of a meeting are seriously
FOR months, the prime total disaster by bringing a defamatory. Our party is a modern
minister, Theresa May, has complete halt to our trade political machine and we are
been working on a top-secret with the EU. more than capable of solving our
strategy to bring down Britain's
2. Britain's economy collapses. problems by taking off our coats
immigration figures to not
3. Would-be inunil!rants see that and kicking the shit out of each
just "tens of thousands", but to
~ other."
none at all. there is no longer any point Stephen Woolfe, meanwhile,
Mrs May's three-point plan, in coming to Britain and go insisted that a scheduled punch-up
the Daily Telegraph has learned, to Germany inStead. had proceeded completely as
is so radical that it This, Mrs May has calculated, planned, and that allegations
has been kept strictly under is the only way that she can that two of the MEPs present
wraps, and shared only with keep her pledge to reduce had discussed points of policy
her husband, Phil. the numbers of Tory voters in-between blows were wholly
The plan is simple but migrating to Ukip to zero. (ls wuntrue.
devastating and, for the first this right? Ed.) -------------- -----------
New Galaxy
League table TWITTER NEWS
of businesses To Stop
T ■ p thon
'named and ■ raglC Y tenement Scot" and
Prod uct1on rambling about how Scottish
Star Has
shamed' for • people had come over here
D emen tla and taken over all the
employing THERE was shock English media.
and disbelief yes
foreign terday when God ■ There was widespread Said one comedy fan,
announced that he sympathy today as the news "It's a tragic spectacle
workers would be stopping was confirmed that Monty seeing his decline from silly
work on the pro
Python legend John Cleese walk to silly talk," and
duction of his latest
Manchester City
galaxy, citing potentially harmful has gone mad. another fan said of the
Tottenham Hotspur design flaws. Cleese was diagnosed Fawlty Towers legend,
"I've just made this galaxy - the
after being seen on Twitter "Don't mention the bore. I
Arsenal Milky Way-and I honestly thought
it was the best thing I've ever calling the editor of the just have, but I think I've
Liverpool done," said the ashen-faced Spectator a "half-educated got away with it."
omnipotent deity yesterday.
Everton
"It seemed flawless, state of the
Manchester United art, but then I found humans in its ZUCKERBERG ANNOUNCES
software, which meant it was liable
Chelsea to completely blow up at any
REVOLUTIONARY NEW
moment.
Crystal Palace "Until I work out how they got
there and make them less
West Bromwich Albion FOUNDATION TO
dangerous, I have no choice but to
remove this galaxy from the
( continued down to
universe and halt production of
League 94) any further galaxies." ELIMINATE DISEASE• .
God is three billion and sixteen.
by Our Social Affairs Staff Bill Outstanding
THE genius founder of Facebook,
Mark Zuckerberg, has announced ... , '-,__ \
an inspiring new foundation to
which he and his wife will donate "' »
huge amounts of their fortune in a
bid to defeat all disease over the
next century.
"It's called the government," only that, it also has side projects
said Mr Zuckerberg. "For such dedicated to running schools,
a long time I've been pondering hospitals, a road system, parks, a
how I can make a real difference national infrastructure, and lots of
with the enormous fortune I've otl1er worthy projects which make
amassed by concocting clever tax this planet a decent place to live.
structures that minimise any tax 'Tm proud to announce that I'll
liability from my firm. be giving lots of this money to the
"Imagine my shock when it 'government', as I've decided to call
turned out that this 'government' it, and I fully expect to get a lot of
is devoted to ending disease. Not really fantastic publicity out of it."
9