Poisonous Parenting: Toxic Relationships Between Parents and Their Adult Children PDF
Preview Poisonous Parenting: Toxic Relationships Between Parents and Their Adult Children
The Family Therapy and Counseling Series Series Editor Jon Carlson, PsyD, EdD Kit S. Ng Global Perspectives in Family Therapy: Development, Practice, Trends Phyllis Erdman and Tom Caffery Attachment and Family Systems: Conceptual, Empirical, and Therapeutic Relatedness Wes Crenshaw Treating Families and Children in the Child Protective System Len Sperry Assessment of Couples and Families: Contemporary and Cutting-Edge Strategies Robert L. Smith and R. Esteban Montilla Counseling and Family Therapy With Latino Populations: Strategies That Work Catherine Ford Sori Engaging Children in Family Therapy: Creative Approaches to Integrating Theory and Research in Clinical Practice Paul R. Peluso Infidelity: A Practitioner’s Guide to Working With Couples in Crisis Jill D. Onedera The Role of Religion in Marriage and Family Counseling Christine Kerr, Janice Hoshino, Judith Sutherland, Sharyl Parashak, and Linda McCarley Family Art Therapy Debra D. Castaldo Divorced Without Children: Solution Focused Therapy With Women at Midlife Phyllis Erdman and Kok-Mun Ng Attachment: Expanding the Cultural Connections Jon Carlson and Len Sperry Recovering Intimacy in Love Relationships: A Clinician’s Guide Adam Zagelbaum and Jon Carlson Working With Immigrant Families: A Practical Guide for Counselors David K. Carson and Montserrat Casado-Kehoe Case Studies in Couples Therapy: Theory-Based Approaches Shea M. Dunham, Shannon B. Dermer, and Jon Carlson Poisonous Parenting: Toxic Relationships Between Parents and Their Adult Children New York London Routledge Routledge Taylor & Francis Group Taylor & Francis Group 270 Madison Avenue 27 Church Road New York, NY 10016 Hove, East Sussex BN3 2FA © 2011 by Taylor and Francis Group, LLC Routledge is an imprint of Taylor & Francis Group, an Informa business Printed in the United States of America on acid-free paper 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 International Standard Book Number: 978-0-415-87908-8 (Hardback) For permission to photocopy or use material electronically from this work, please access www. copyright.com (http://www.copyright.com/) or contact the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc. (CCC), 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400. CCC is a not-for-profit organiza- tion that provides licenses and registration for a variety of users. For organizations that have been granted a photocopy license by the CCC, a separate system of payment has been arranged. Trademark Notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe. Library of Congress Cataloging‑in‑Publication Data Poisonous parenting : toxic relationships between parents and their adult children / [edited by] Shea M. Dunham, Shannon B. Dermer, and Jon Carlson. p. cm. -- (The family therapy and counseling series) Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-415-87908-8 (hbk. : alk. paper) 1. Parent and adult child. 2. Parenting. 3. Families--Psychological aspects. 4. Family counseling. I. Dunham, Shea M. II. Dermer, Shannon B. III. Carlson, Jon. HQ755.86.P62 2011 155.9’24--dc22 2010052732 Visit the Taylor & Francis Web site at http://www.taylorandfrancis.com and the Routledge Web site at http://www.routledgementalhealth.com Dedicated to my grandfather, Don Scott, who believed you are never too old or too smart to learn something new. Shannon B. Dermer To every mentor and every critic, thanks for all your unknowing encouragement. I have learned the best lesson from all of you: Nothing happens to you; it happens for you. Shea M. Dunham Contents Series Foreword ix JON CARLSON About the Editors xi About the Contributors xiii Introduction xvii SHANNON B. DERMER and SHEA M. DUNHAM 1 Poisonous Parenting 1 SHEA M. DUNHAM and SHANNON B. DERMER 2 Compassionate Parenting: The Antidote to Poisonous Parenting 25 PATRICIA A. ROBEY and CATHERINE FORD SORI 3 Parental Presence: An Interpersonal Neurobiology Approach to Healthy Relationships Between Adults and Their Parents 49 HANNAH R. FARBER and DANIEL J. SIEGEL 4 A Brain-Based Understanding From the Cradle to the Grave 63 SONDRA GOLDSTEIN and SUSAN THAU 5 Creating Secure Attachment: A Model for Creating Healthy Relationships 81 SHEA M. DUNHAM and SCOTT R. WOOLLEY 6 Couples Relationships 99 LEN SPERRY vii viii • Contents 7 Father–Son Relationships 119 MELANIE H. MALLERS, MATT ENGLAR‑CARLSON, and JON CARLSON 8 Disconnection and Parenting: A Relational–Cultural Perspective 145 JUDITH V. JORDAN 9 Addressing Poisonous Parenting Within the African American Community: A Systems Approach 163 JENNIFER I. DURHAM 10 Honor Thy Parents? A Religious Perspective on Poisonous Parenting 177 DONALD J. OLUND 11 Saving Oneself: Forgiving the Poisonous Parent as an Act of Kindness to Oneself and Future Generations 199 TERRY HARGRAVE 12 Helping Clients Become Compassionate Parents, Partners, and Friends 217 SHANNON B. DERMER and SHEA M. DUNHAM Index 225 Series Foreword What a child doesn’t receive he can seldom later give. P.D. James, Time To Be Earnest Our relationship with parents impacts not only our entire lives but those of future generations. Understanding how the relationship with primary love objects impacts trans-generational patterns is beyond the scope of this foreword and this book. However, Poisonous Parenting clearly addresses how destructive relationships with parents will lead to unhealthy relation- ships throughout the lifespan unless they are effectively addressed. The chapters of this important book allow the reader to not only under- stand how to use the material with clients but also how to better under- stand their own parental relationships, regardless of the depth or type of toxicity or health. As the editors state, “Whether overtly or covertly, chil- dren learn about who to love, how to love, how to be loved, and how (or even if) a child should love himself/herself.” This experience provides the foundation for all future relationships. The degree of bonding with parents falls along a continuum from secure and healthy to insecure and poisonous. This book is devoted to the poison- ous, but I urge the reader to become familiar with the literature on healthy attachment in order to know not just what causes problems but to better understand what leads to healthy connections. In my 60,000-plus hours of providing therapy, I have learned the importance of these early childhood relationships. People often joke that all problems lead back to Mom and Dad, but there seems to be more truth than humor to this statement. I seldom see clients who have healthy paren- tal ties with clear boundaries and differentiation. It is more common to ix
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