Table Of Content

"Welwood skillfully identifies the fundamental obstacle in relationships and offers a clear, attainable, and transformative solution. Everyone should read this wonderful book." -Harville Hendrix Perfect Lave HEALlNG THE WOUND OF THE HEART J ohn Welwood "This book skillfully and eloquently describes how our deep- est longing for love isin fact the key to healing our personal wounds and the woundedness of the world at large. John Welwood's message echoes the Buddha's, showing us how we have direct access to the love and happiness we most long for, as our very essence." -Sharon Salzberg, author of Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness "Full of practical wisdom and divinely inspired insight. Amar- velous guide for any seeker choosing to walk on love's path." -bell hooks, author of All About Love: New Visions "Welwood's approach is noteworthy for its emphasis on learning how to receive love as well as give it. Peifect Lave, Impeifect Relationships offers both grand theories and useful practices for incorporating these lessons into your life." -Body& Soul "With c1earinstructions and an even tone, Welwood shows us how to heal our psychic scars by opening up to the 'real love' available to us al1at the core of our nature."-Tricycle "Welwood challenges us to move from self-hatred to self-love and to do the inner work to embrace the love that sets us free."-Spirituality &Health Perfect Lave, BOOKS BYJOHN WELWOOD PerfectLave, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Imperfect Relationships Heart (2005) Toward aPsychologyof Awakening: Buddhism, Psychotherapy, and thePath of Personaland Spiritual Transformation (2000) Ordinary Magic:Everyday LifeasSpiritual Path (1992) HEALING THE WOUND Journey of theHeart: Intimate Relationship and thePath of Love OF THE HEART (1990) Challengeof theHeart: Lave,Sex, and Intimacy in Changing Times (1985) Awakening theHeart: East/West Approaches toPsychotherapy and theHealing Relationship (1983) TheMeeting of the Ways: Explorations in East/West Psychology (1979) JOHN WELWOOD AUDIO BYJOHN WELWOOD PerfectLave,Imperfect Relationships: A Workshop on Healing the Wound of theHeart (2007) TRUMPETER Boulder 2007 Trumpeter Books Animprint ofShambhala Publications, Inc. 4720Walnut Street Boulder, Colorado 80301 www.shambhala.com ©2006byJohn Welwood This book isdedicated to peace in the world. Casestudies drawn from the author's private practice May allbeings know that they are loved- have beensignificantly altered inorder toprotect privacy. so they may live at peace with themselves and all others. Excerpt from IHeard God Laughing: Renderings ofHafiz (Sufism Reoriented, 1996),copyright 1996by Daniel Ladinsky. Usedby permission ofDaniel Ladinsky. Excerpt from The Essential Rumi (SanFrancisco: Harper SanFrancisco, 1995)reprinted bypermission ofColeman Barks.Excerpt from "Heartbeat" on the CD Songsforthe lnner Lover (White Swan Records) reprinted bypermission ofMiten. Diligent efforts were made inevery casetoobtain rights from copyright holders. Inafewinstances, the efforts were unsuccessful. The author andpublisher aregrateful forthe use ofthisexcerpted material. Al!rights reserved. Nopart ofthis book may bereproduced inanyform orbyany rneans, electronicor mechanical, including photocopying, recordíng, orby anyinformation storage and retrieval systern, without permission inwriring from the publisher. 141312II 109 Printed inthe United States ofAmerica §This edition isprinted on acid-free paper that meets the American National Standards Institute Z39.48Standard. OThisbook isprinted on30%postconsumer recycled paper. For more information please visitwww.shambhala.com. Distributed inthe United StatesbyPenguin Random House LLC and inCanada byRandom House ofCanada Ltd Library ofCongress catalogues the previous edition ofthis book asfollows: Welwood.john.xcaj- Perfect love, imperfect relationships: healing the wound ofthe heart /John Welwood. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN978-1-59030-262-0(hardcover) ISBN978-1-59030-386-(3paperback) lo Love. 2.Interpersonal relations. 1.Title. BF575.L8w452005 158.2--dC22 2005009288 Jump toyourfeet, wave your jists, Threaten and warn the whole universe That your heart can no longer live Without reallove! -HAFIZ Contents Introduction 1 Prologue: ToFeelHeld in Lave 23 1. Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships 32 2. The Mood of Grievance 57 3. Letting Grievance Go 75 4. From Se1f-Hatred to Self-Love 96 5. Holy Longing 120 6. The Love That Sets You Free 139 Epilogue: Who's Holding Your 161 Exercises 169 Acknowledgments 189 Notes 191 About the Author 205 ix Perfect Leve, Imperfect Rdationships Introd uction A nightfoll of talking that hurts, My worst held-back secrets: Everything has to dowith loving and not loving. -RUMI T HE WORDS "1 LOVE YOU ," spoken in moments of genuine appreciation, wonder, or caring, arise from something perfectly pure within us-the capacity to open ourselves and sayyes without reserve. Such moments of pure openheartedness bring us as close to natural perfection aswe can come in this life. The warm and radiant yes of the heart isperfect, like the sun, in bringing all things to life and nourishing allthat istruly humano Yetodd1yenough, even though we may have glimpses of a pure, bright love dwelling within the human heart, ír'shard to find it fully embodied in the world around us, especially where it matters most-in our relationships with other people. Indeed, for many people today, risking themselves in a love relationship has become a frightening proposition, a near-certain prescription for overwhelming pain or emotional our tasks," as the poet Rilke wrote. And while in one sense devastation. Scratch the surface of our sex-and-romance- love conquers all, war nonetheless remains the governing crazed culture and you find a sense of disillusionment in force in world affairs. many people where they feel, as one pop song puts it, that The sense of loneliness and deprivation afilicting many "Iove stinks." Or, as ayoung woman in one of my workshops peop1e's lives is not because love is in short supply. Por you expressed it: "If love is so great, why are relationships so im- can find love everywhere you look, in one form or another. possible? Don't tell me 1need to open my heart any more. My Every smile and most of the conversations and glances you hear~,is already too open, and 1don't want to keep getting exchange with the people you encounter every day contain hurto atleast afew grains of love, in the form of interest, apprecia- So right alongside the truth of love's perfection, there tion, consideration, warmth, or kindness. Add up all the in- stands another, more difficult truth-the flawed, tangled web terchanges you have with others every day and you will see of human relationship, which gives rise to tremendous frus- that your life is sustained by a flow of interconnectedness, tration, sorrow, and anger everywhere we look. One minute which is the play of love at work. "There is no force in the you're in touch with the love in your heart-you feel open, world but love," as Rilke writes. caring, and connected. And then the next minute, before you Yet if love is the greatest power on earth, the force that know it, you and your loved one have become embroiled in a sustains human life-which in some sense it certainly is- conflict or misunderstanding that leads to shutting down or why hasn't love's radiant warmth been able to banish the behaving in aheartless way. darkness engulfing the world, and transform and uplift this Thus even when our love is genuine and real, something earth? Why isit so hard for love to permeate the dense fabric often seems to block its full and perfect expression in relation- of human relationships? If love isour greatest source of hap- ships. "1love you, but 1can't livewith you" isthe classic state- piness and joy, why is it so hard to open to it fully and let it ment of this painful gap between the pure love in our heart govern our lives?What isthe problem? and the difficult relationships we inhabit. This disparity pre- These questions took on particular urgency for me soon sents amaddening riddle, which each of us must "solve or be after September I1, 2001, when the world was once again torn to bits," as D. H. Lawrence suggested. plunging into war. Asthe bombs rained down on Afghanistan This riddle shows up in many different guises. Even in retaliation for the terrorist attacks in New York and Wash- though love forever arises anew, most of us waIk around feel- ington, the world felt especially fragile to me, and perilously ing deprived of it, asif starving in aland of plenty. And while close to collapsing into hatred and violence. After America's love can bring tremendous joy, our love life often brings our political leaders embarked on what appeared to be a war greatest suffering. Even though there isnothing assimple and without end, 1felt an imperative to take a fresh look at why straightforward as the warmth of the heart, still, "for one it's so hard for what isbest in the human being-the warmth human being to love another, this is the most difficult of a1l and goodness of the heart-to take hold in this world. Introduction I 2 Introduction I 3 1have previously written two books on conscious rela- . few of the ways that our insecurity about being loved or Just a tionship-Journey of the Heart and Laveand Awakening-that 10vab1eshows up. show how to embrace and work with the challenges of rela. 'fhe rnood of unlove often shows up in the form of sud- tionship as opportunities for personal transformation and den ernotional flare-ups in reaction to any hint of being spiritual awakening. This book takes a different tack. It fo- sli hted or badly treated. It's asthough areservoir of distrust cuses on the root source of all relational problems, "the an~resentrnent were ready and waiting to be released, which mother of allrelationship issues"-our wounded relationship rhe ríniest íncídenr can trigger. Even caring and compassion- to love itself. ate peop1e often carry within them afair share of unlove and righteous grievance, which can suddenly erupt under certain circurnstances. For some couples these explosions happen The Mood of Unlove early on, blowing a budding relationship apart in their first There are hundreds of books on the market that offer rela- few encounters. For others, the mood of unlove might not tionship fixesinone form or another. Some of these techniques wreak its havoc until well into a seemingly happy marriage, can be quite helpful. Yet at some point, most technical fixes when one or both partners suddenly wake up one day and re- turn out to be patches that falloff,for they failto address what alizethey don't feel truly seen or known. It's not uncommon lies at the root of all interpersonal conflict and misunder- forlong-term spouses to say something like, "1know my hus- standing-whether between marital partners, family mem- band loves me, but somehow 1don't feelloved." bers, friends, fellow workers, or different ethnic groups in the Sometimes the mood of unlove shows up in the form of world at large. Allthe most intractable problems inhuman re- endless bickering and petty irritation, asthough both partners lationships canbe traced back to what 1callthemoodof unlove- were continually looking for reasons to grumbIe, "Why don't a deep-seated suspicion most of us harbor within ourselves you love me better?" For example, one couple 1worked with that we cannot be loved, or that we are not truly lovable, jus: described the following incident that led to a weeklong es- forwho weare.This basic insecurity makes ithard to trust inour- trangement. The woman had just made her husband tea selves, in other people, or in lifeitself. when he became upset with her for putting milk in it: Not knowing, in our blood and bones, that we are truly "Haven'r 1told you before that 1don't want you putting milk loved or lovable undermines our capacity to give and receive inmy tea for me, that 1like to let it steep for along time first?" love freely. This is the core wound that generates interper- The only way to understand how something so trivial could sonal conflict and a whole range of familiar relationship trigger a major conflict is through recognizing what her ac- tangles. Difficulty trusting, fear of being misused or rejected, tion signifies for him: In his eyes, she has shown once again harboring jealousy and vindictiveness, defensively stone- that she isnot attuned to him and his needs-like allthe other walling, having to argue and prove we're right, feeling easily Women in his life, starting with his mother. And for her, when hurt or offended and blaming others for our pain-these are even making him tea becomes an occasion for blame and Introduction I 4 Introduction I 5