Pay Attention To Me

147 Pages·2022·0.89 MB·English

by  Kelly South

PAY ATTENTION TO ME
A fairly accurate story.

KELLY SOUTH
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For you, the greatest gifts in my life.
“Even poison is a form of medicine when used the right way.” – Kiera
Van Gelder

“I couldn’t trust my own emotions. Which emotional reactions were
justified, if any?” – Rachel Reiland

“I think the manipulation thing I definitely had, where I would try to
make someone feel a certain type of way. And then if they felt that
way I would feel good, and then if they didn’t feel that way, I would
think something’s wrong and that they’re mad at me. So with words, I
would try to sway people into saying the exact thing I needed to
hear. I’m like, ‘You hate me, don’t you?’ It’s always like, whatever
question I ask, I’m expecting the opposite answer.” – Pete Davidson

“It is as if my life were magically run by two electric currents: joyous
positive and despairing negative—whichever is running at the
moment dominates my life, floods it.” – Silvia Plath

“I’m constantly searching for confirmation of his love for me, and
each of his gestures and words, no matter how trivial, can either
prove or disprove it.” – Kiera Van Gelder

“You know you’re borderline when you fluctuate between fearing
abandonment to encouraging it.” – Jaen Wirefly

“To stave off the panic associated with the absence of a primary
object, borderline patients frequently will impulsively engage in
behaviors that numb the panic and establish contact with and control
over some new object.” – Christine Ann Lawson
INTRODUCTION
January 10, 2017

Putting on my husband’s favorite lipstick to go see my boyfriend
came rather easy. Downing a handful of painkillers at the thought of
my relationship being over came just as easily. Waking up to bright
lights shining down on me as if taking those pills actually worked this
time is more dramatic than it sounds. The bright light is actually the
lamp that hangs above a hospital bed. No angels, no trumpets, no
God.
Hovering over me is the ER doctor asking me why I would do
such a thing. Well sir, because that’s what I do. It’s what I have done
four times since I was twenty-three, each attempt stemming from the
loss or perceived loss of a loved one or the inability to stop the things
that go on inside my head. I can’t say for sure if I wanted to die, I just
knew I wanted the pain to stop.
The doctor doesn’t bother asking any follow-up questions. I think
he is taken aback at the thought of a fairly educated person with kids
and a husband here on a suicide watch. Either way, I survived and
his only job was to call in the candy striper to sit with me through my
twenty-four-hour hold. If he only knew that twenty-four hours for
someone like me is a lifetime. It’s enough time to regroup and fix
what I broke. Twenty-four hours for someone like me can change
everything.
Linda, the babysitter—I mean nurse—comes in and sits with me.
As boring as it is, I attempt to make small talk with her. I have an
ability to make “friends” easily. The lack of substance in our
conversation makes me a bit tired, so I drift into another daydream,
coming in and out of reality and perception.
Who knows how much time passes. When I finally come to, I find
my bubbly, over-the-top chaperone sleeping. At one point, I consider
the telephone cord but feel guilty that she could lose her job if I die
on her watch. I tend to overly invest in others. I barely know her but
this overwhelming feeling of protecting my new “friend” is one I’ve
had before.
Twenty-four hours later the transport comes to take me to the
inpatient center. I desperately want to smoke a cigarette. It crosses
my mind that killing myself over time is less frowned upon than
slitting my wrists. People feel sorry for cancer patients. Not so much
for “crazy” ones.
After a few days I am released from the psychiatric ward to the
care of my husband. Surprisingly, he agrees. Probably because the
kids are driving him crazy and the house is a mess. Either way, I’m
required to seek outpatient services for “bipolar” and/or potential
“Cluster B” disorder. Fear of abandonment. Dramatic, harmful,
sensation-seeking behaviors—especially when upset. Mood shifts.
Insecurity. Shifting self-image. Impulsivity. Impaired social
relationships.
Cluster B—more like cluster fuck!
Progress-CCC
Note Date: 1/13/2017
Signed by T. Corwin, MD on 1/13/2017 at 12:31 P.M. Affiliation:
Mountain West Hospital

Vital signs sheet entry for 1/13/2017: BP: 123/74. Heart Rate: 83.
Weight: 126 (with clothes). BMI: 19.2. Pain Scale: 0.
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Medications- Prescriptions
VALIUM: Valium 5 mg tablet. 1 tablet by mouth 2 times a day.
LEXAPRO: Lexapro 20 mg tablet. 1 tablet by mouth daily

Medications- OTC
ASPIRIN-Enteric Coated Aspirin 81 mg tablet, daily release. 1 tablet
by mouth once a day.
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HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS: I saw Kelly South at Mountain
West Hospital, in our inpatient clinic for ongoing suicidal tendencies,
anxiety, and depression. Patient will be released to her husband and
feels safe at home. Patient agrees to seek outpatient services.

CLINICAL ASSESSMENT: Pt is in overall good physical health. Pt is
very smart and witty. Pt has expressed her sadness in regards to her
relationship ending but has shown little to no remorse about her
actions that led to those circumstances. Pt had no visitors during her
stay and expressed anger. Pt was overly friendly with the staff.
Patient appears to be agitated and anxious about leaving. Pt exhibits
criteria for Bipolar Disorder or Cluster B personality disorder. Pt
should take the medications as prescribed above.