Pastoral therapy and extra-marital affairs: a narrative approach

428 Pages·2014·7.56 MB·English

Pastoral therapy and extra-marital affairs:
a narrative approach
by
ANDRE BOTHA
submitted in accordance with the requirements
for the degree of
DOCTOR OF THEOLOGY
in the subject
PRACTICAL THEOLOGY
at the
UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH AFRICA
PROMOTER: PROF.DJ KOTZE
JOINT PROMOTER: PROF. J T DEJONGH VAN ARKEL
JUNE 1998
TABLE OF CONTENTS
TABLE OF FIGURES .............................................................................................. 9
TEXTUAL NOTES ...............................................................................................•...9
Translated quotes ............................................................................................................................................... 9
Page reference numbers .................................................................................................................................... 9
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ...................................................................................... 11
SUMMARY AND KEY TERMS .............................................•................................ 13
Summary ......................................................................................, ................................................................... 13
Key terms. ......................................................................................................................................................... 14
1 BACKGROUND TO AND AIMS FOR THIS RESEARCH .................................. 15
1.1 The topicality of marriage, romance and extra-marital affairs ............................................................ 15
1.1.1 The topicality of extra-marital affairs..... .. .......... 15
1.1.2 The topicality and popularity ofm arriage... . .......... 16
1.2 Western culture's ambiguity towards extra-marital affairs ................................................................. 18
1.3 The prevalence of affairs .......................................................................................................................... 19
1.3.I Introduction.. .. ................... 19
1.3.1 Unfaithfulness, gender and age... ................... . ...... 21
1.3.3 Unfaithfulness and church attendance.. . ............. 22
1.3.4 Unfaithfulness and marital history... . ............ 23
1.3.5 UnfaiJhfulnes.~ and education.... . ... 25
1.3.6 Unfaithfulness and attitudes toward extra-marital sex.. ... .. ................ 25
1.4 The effect or an extra-marital affair on a marriage. ............................................................................. .28
1.5 The status of research on extra-marital affairs and marital therapy ................................................... 31
1. 5.1 The lack of research in secular psychotherapy on extra-marital affairs.... . ......... 3 J
1.5.2 The reasons for the lack of r~earch in secular psychotherapy deallng with affairs ...................... 32
1.5.3 The lack of r~earch in pastoral marital therapy.. ...33
1.6 When is an extra-marital relationship an extra-marital affair? ........................................................... 34
l.7 The reseaf'(':h problem in theological terms: pastoral therapy and edra-marital affairs ................... 34
I. 7.1 The research problem: Hamartologizing an affair?.. .. ................ 34
1. 7.2 The research problem: Af1Xed and divine reference point as agenda ofp astoral therapy leads to
hamartologizing.. .. ..................... .38
I. 7.3 The research problem: Dodging the moral issue, affairs and the propium ofp astoral therapy .... .4 l
I. 7.4 The research problem: Can a narrative approach in pastoral therapy prorUie a compass? ........... 43
1.8 The aim of this research ........................................................................................................................... 45
1.9 Outline of this research report ................................................................................................................ 47
2 CLARIFICATION OF TERMS AND CONCEPTS .............................................. 49
2.1 Epistemology .............................................................. ,,,,., .. , ................................................. ,.,,., ............... 49
], 1.1 Paradigm.. .. .. 49
2.1.2 Epistemology.. .. .. 49
2.1.3 Postmodernism and related terms . .. .. 50
2.1.4 Discourse.. .. .. 51
2.1.5 Cybernetics.. ....................... .. .. 52
2.1.6 Constructivism.... . .. .52
2.1. 7 Social construction theory.. .. .. 53
2.1.8 Structuralism and post-structuralism.. .. .. 53
2.1.9 Deconstruction... . ... 54
2.2 Culture ....................................................................................................................................................... 55
2.3 Extra-marital affairs and related terms. ................................................................................................. 56
2.3.1 Unfailhful spouse,faithful spouse and Inver.. . .. .56
1.3.l Sex, eros,fdia, and agape.. .. .. 56
2.4 Hamartologizing ....................................................................................................................................... 57
3 THE POSTMODERNISTIC CONTEXT OF THIS RESEARCH .......................... 58
3.1 Introduction .............................................................................................................................................. 58
J.2 Modernistic epistemology and the reification ofknowledge ................................................................. 59
3.2.1 Modernistic epistemology .. .. .. 5~
3.2.2 Altemative discourses.. .. .. 61
3.2.3 The reiflcatWn ofk nowledge and Us consequences.. . ... 63
3.3 Postmoderuistic epistemology .................................................................................................................. 67
3.3.J Introduction... ................... .. .. 67
3.3.2 Epistemology relates to an interrogative paradigm ... .. .. 70
3.3.3 Constructivism.... . ... 73
3.3.4 Social construction theory.. .. .. 75
3.3.4.J Some dominant premises ofs ocial construction theory.. .. .. 75
3.3.4.2 Social construction theory and language.. . ... 76
3.3.4.3 Social construction theory and ethics.. . ... 78
3.3,4.4 Gergen's views on social construction theory . .. .. 79
3.4 Research metbodology .............................................................. , .. ,.,.,,, .. ,, .................................................. 86
3.4.1 Postmodernistic epistemology inevitably influences methodblogy.. .. ... 86
3.4.2 More detail on the aim ofthi:> reseal'Ch.. .. ... 89
3.4.3 Multiple reflexive conversations.. .. ... 91
3.4.4 A 'not-knowing' position: Participants as exputs.. .. ... 91
3.5 Research procedures: Multiple reflexive conversations ........................................................................ 93
3.i.l Introduction....... . .... 93
3.5.2 The initial phrue.. . .... 93
3.5.3 Preliminaries to the primary phase. .. .. 93
3.5.4 The primary phase.. . .... 94
3.5.5 More detail on multiple reflexive conversations with 'conversatio11al participants•.. . ... 95
.i.5.6 The 'conversational participants'.. .. ... 99
3.5.6.1 Couples/individual' entering therapy.. .. ... 99
3. 5.6.2 Explaining the research process.. ...100
3.5.6.3 Expiainingethics.. ...101
3.5.6.4 Contracting.. ...IOI
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3.6 Accountability: Local truslw(lrthiness and multiple reflexive c(lnversations .................................... 101
3.7 Research report. ...................................................................................................................................... 103
3. 7.1 Repo1tlng in the light of a postmode1nlstic epistemology... . .................. l 03
4 SOME DOMINANT PREMISES OF NARRATIVE THERAPY ......................... 105
4.1 Intr(lduction ............................................................................................................................................ 105
4.2 The storied nature of human life ........................................................................................................... 105
4.2.1 The (inter)personal view of the generation ofS l!/f-narratives ... . . ..... 105
4.2.1 The interpl!tsonal or relational view of the generation ofs elf-narratives ....... 108
4.1.3 Human problems as problem-saturated stories .. . . . ................... 115
4.3 Postmodernistic epistemology and narrative therapy ......................................................................... 116
4.3.1 Ifp l!ople live by stories, then therapy Is about stories, i.e., about language... ..116
4.3.2 The deconstruction of stories, 'unique outcomes• and re-authoring.. .. ......... 118
4.3.3 The not-knowing posiJion of the therapisl ... .. .......... I 19
4.3.4 The genogram and storying in narrative therapy ...... .. ................ .122
4.3.5 Couples in therapy: MultivariaJe stories, multivariate 'realities'.. .. . 124
4.3.6 Narrative therapy and moral responsibility... . ....... 125
5 THEOLOGY, PRACTICAL THEOLOGY AND PASTORAL THERAPY AS
ACADEMIC DISCOURSES ........•........................................................................ 127
5.1 Introduction: The link between pastoral therapy and theology ......................................................... 127
5.2 Theology as academic discourse ............................................................................................................ 127
5.1.1 The object of theology .. . ...................... 127
5.1.2 Theology as an open-ended historical process.... . ... 131
5.2.3 Theological discourses and contemporary postmodernistic culiure.... . .................. 137
5.2.4 Postmodernistic theological discourses: Diab>gue and/or mission.... .. ...... 140
5.2.5 Post-foundatlonallsm in postnwdernistic theological discourses.. . .......... 145
5.3 Practical theology as academic discourse ............................................................................................. 148
5.3.I Introdu.ctlon.. . ......... 148
5.3.2 The confessional approach.. ..149
5.3.3 The contextual approach.. . .................. . ......... 150
5.3.4 The correlaliVt! approach.. . ............. 150
5.3.5 An approach based on social construction discoutses.. . .. 155
5.3.6 'Theory' and 'praxis'?.. . ....... 159
5.4 Pastoral therapy as academic discourse ................................................................................................ 160
5.4.J The terms: 'Pastoral therapy' and 'Pastoral counselling'.. ..160
5.4.1 Modernism regarded pastoral therapy as unscientific.. . .. ............ 161
5.4.3 The influence ofm odernism on pastoral therapy: Power .. . ........ 164
5.4.4 The injlllence ofp ostmodernistic thought on pastoral therapy: Equality.. .. ............. 166
5.4.5 Postmodernlstic thought: A new scientific dialogue between secular and pastoral therapy ....... 169
6 THE PRACTICE OF PASTORAL THERAPY IN A POSTMODERNISTIC
CONTEXT ............................................................................................................ 172
6. 1 The propium of pastoral therapy i11 a postmodernistic paradigm ...................................................... 172
6.2 The theological tradition as a partner In the therapeutic dialogue .................................................... 174
6.3 The pastoral therapist and ethical awareness in a postmodern paradigm ........................................ 178
6.3.1 Introduction.. . .................... 178
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6.3.1 The pastoral therapist's choice of the model of an ideal couple .... . ............... 178
6.3.3 The pastoral therapist's own stages ofs eljhood and development off aith .. .. .............. 179
6.3.4 The pastoraltheraplfl's awareness of the ethical mandate of metaphors. ............... 180
6.3.5 The pastoral therapist's awareness of the ever-evolving nature ofm etaphors .. . ............... !82
6.3.6 The pastoral therapist's awareness ofr eiflcation: ethical ideologies ... . ............... 183
6.3. 7 Ethical neutrality in therapy is an illusion. A personal theological ethicaJ choice .. .. .............. 185
7 EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIRS ............................................................................ 191
7.1 The focus of this research was pastoral therapy .................................................................................. 191
7.2 A 'definition' of extra-marital affairs ......................................................................... ,. ........................ 191
7.1. J ls a definition ofa n exJra-marltal affair possible?.. . .............. 191
7.1.l Culture constitutes the meaning of extra-marital affairs.. .. ............. 192
7.2.3 Extra-marital a/fall's as the breaching of cultural boundaries.. . .. .............. 194
7.2.4 Exira-marital affairs as extl'a-marlJal sex.. . ............... 195
7.1.5 Extra-mal'itaJ affairs as a breach of trust ... . ............... 197
7.1.6 Kinds of affairs.. .. .............. 198
7.2.7 Affail'sasnarratives.. .. ............. 201
7.3 Reasons for affairs .................................................................................................................................. 207
7.3.J lntl'oduction.. .. .............. 207
7.3.2 Complemental'ity in personalities.. . .............. .207
7.3.3 Ego needs.. .. .............. 209
7.3.4 Masculinity and extra-marital affairs .. .. .............. 209
7.3.5 Feminism.. .. .............. 210
7.3. 6 The growing sexual assertiveness of wolnl!n .. .. .............. 211
7.3. 7 Unmet expectations... . .............. 213
7.3.8 Affairs as a dominant narrative in western cu/Jure.. .. .............. 213
7.3. 9 Other Important reasons.. .. .............. 214
8 PASTORAL THERAPY AND THE DECONSTRUCTION OF CULTURAL
DISCOURSES WHICH CO-CONSTITUTE EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIRS ............ 216
8.1 Pastoral therapy and an awareness of cultural discourses .................................................................. 216
8.2 Cultural discourses constituting family and matrimonial life ............................................................. 219
8.2. I Introduction.. .. .............. 219
8.2.1 Pre-modem cultural discourses.. ....................... .. .............. 219
8.2.3 Modernistic culto.ral discourses... .. .............. 220
8.2.4 Postmodern cultural discourses ................ 220
8.3 To conclude: Pastoral therapy and competing cultural discourses ..................................................... 225
9 THE DISCOURSE OF EROS AND EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIRS .................... 227
9.1 The discourse of eros ............................................................................................................................... 227
9.1.1 Eros: Emotion or discourse?.. .. ............... 227
9.1.1 The institutionalisation of the eros dlscourse... .. ............... 231
9.2 The discourse of eros and the formation of an affair. .......................................................................... 234
9.1.J Chrlstlan.f and the gradualformaJion of affairs.. .. ............... 234
9.2.2 The amazing power of the eros discourse... . .............2 35
9.3 The loss ofcros in marital relationships leads to extra-marital affairs ............................................. 241
9.4 Ge11der differences in the experience of eros ........................................................................................ 245
9.5 The loss oferos in extra-marital affairs ................................................................................................ 245
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10 PASTORAL THERAPY AND THE DECONSTRUCTION OF THE EROS
DISCOURSE ........................................................................................................2 47
10.l Introduction .............................................................. ,.,, ........................................................................ 247
10.2 Deconsfructing the eros discourse ....................................................................................................... 247
10.J Summary ............................................................................................................................................... 257
11 PASTORAL THERAPY AND THE DISCOURSES OF SEX, HEDONISM AND
SELF-FULFILMENT ............................................................................................ 258
11.l The meaning of sex: A cultural linguistic construction .................................................................... ,258
11.2 Cultural discourses Co-t'Onstitute moral values and the meaning(s) ofsex ...................................... 259
11.3 Pastoral therapy and the deconstruction or the discourse of extra-marital sex .............................. 242
11.3.1 Introduction.. . ..... 242
11.3.2 Extemallslng comersations: deconstrucling the discourse of extra-marital sex .. . .....2 43
I 1.3.3 A disabling effect ofm odernistic. refontU!d theology: A narrative perspective ............................ 253
12 PASTORAL THERAPY AND THE FAITHFUL SPOUSE ............................... 255
12.1 Introduction ........................................................................................................................................... 255
12.2 The lire span and the different phases of an extra-marital affair ..................................................... 255
11,2.1 The life span of an e:xtra-marital affair ........................................ . .. 255
12.2.2 The phases of an extra-marital affair: A limil.ed shelf life.. . ............................. 260
12.3 Pastoral therapy and the faithful spouse: Outliving the affair ......................................................... 263
12.4 Pastoral therapy and the faithful spouse: Blaming the self. .............................................................. 273
12.5 Pastoral therapy and the faithful spouse: Blaming God ...................................................................2 75
12.5.1 Deconstructingfoundationallst theological discourses... . .......... 275
12.5.2 Foundationallsm and deconstruction: A safe road to post-foundationalism? ............................ 281
13 PASTORAL THERAPY AND THE UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE ......................... 283
13.1 Continued conversations with the unfaithful spouse: Listening., ..................................................... 283
13.2 Theological ethics and the unfaithful spouse ...................................................................................... 291
13.1.1 The unfaithful spouse and modernistic theological ethics: confrontation . . .......... 291
13.2.2 A narrative approach and theological ethics: a hypothetical way.. .. ................................ .300
13.23 Narratn>e pastoral theropeu.tic conversations are inevitably ethical discourses .. . ....... 302
13.2.4 The ethic.~ of a narrative approach cannqt be ethically neutral.. . ............. 304
13.2.5 A narrative apprqach cannot be ethically ideological... .. ...... 308
13.2.6 Postmodernistic theological ethics as 'common sense'.. . . ... 310
13.2. 7 Externalbation: enhancing the unfaithful spouse'.~ ethical abilities.... .. .............................. 312
13.2.8 Ritualisation: enhancing the unfaithful spouse's ethical abilities.. . .. ........... 315
13.3 The unfaithrul spouse and secrets: to tell or not to tell ................ _. ................................................... 322
13.4 The unfaithful spouse and the sense of gui\t.. ..................................................................................... 329
14 A NARRATIVE APPROACH IN PASTORAL THERAPY AND THE USE OF
SCRIPTURE ........................................................................................................ 339
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14.1 Introduction ........................................................................................................................................... 339
14.2 The Bible as a collection of stories ........................................................................................................ 339
14.3 Meditation and the open-endedness of biblical stories ..................................................................... ,.344
15 PASTORAL THERAPY AND THE FUTURE OF THE MARRIAGE: THE
AGAPE DISCOURSE .......................................................................................... 348
15.1 Introduction .......................................................................................................................................... 348
15.2 Marital unhappiness and extra-mal"ital affairs .................................................................................. 348
15.2.1 MarlJal (un)happiness in narrative terms .. .. ..... .348
15.1.2 Affairs and mariJal dissatisfaction.. .. ..... 349
15.3 The discourse of agape ......................................................................................................................... 352
15.3.J Agape as a cultural discourse.. .. ..... .352
15.3.2 Agape as commitment.. . .. ...... 353
15.4 Pastoral therapy and the discourses of self-fulfilment and agape ................................................... .356
15.5 Equality in the therapeutic relationship and the client's self-fulfilment .......................................... 364
15.6 Pastoral therapy, externalisation and the discourse of agape ........................................................... 366
16 A NARRATIVE APPROACH AS A REDUCTION OF HUMAN LIFE? ........... 369
16.1 Introduction .......................................................................................................................................... 369
16.2 Pastoral therapy and the biological-psychological aspe<:ts of an affail" ............................................ 369
16.3 Pastoral therapy and extra-marital affairs as addiction ................................................................... 371
16.3.1 The biological chemistry ofs exual and romantic addiction.. . ....... 371
16.3.1 Extra-mariJal sex as sexual addiction.. . ....... 373
16.4 Narrative therapy as a reduction of human life ................................................................................. 376
17 THEMES FOR FUTURE DIALOGUE ............................................................ 378
17.1 Anthropology and a narrative approach in pastoral therapy. .......................................................... 378
17 .2 Equality in the therapeutic relationship and the client's self·fulfilment. ......................................... 380
18 WHAT I HAVE LEARNT ................................................................................ 382
18.I lotroduction .......................................................................................................................................... 382
18.2 Pastornl thel"apy and the discourse oferos ......................................................................................... 382
18.3 Pastoral therapy and the discourses of hedonism, self-fulfilment and extra-marital sex ............... 383
18.4 Pastoral thel"apy and the faithful spouse ............................................................................................ 383
18.5 Pastoral thel"apy and the unfaithful spouse ........................................................................................ 384
18.5.1 Pastoral therapy and hamartologizing the exJra-maritaJ affair.. . ........ 384
18.5.1 Breaking the unfaithful spouse's isolation.. .. ....... 385
18.5.3 Pastoral therapy: Listening as deconstruction.. . ....... .386
18.5.4 Pastoral therapy and li~tening: guilt and love.. .. ....... 387
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18.5.5 Pastoral therapeutic conversations without the Bible can still be theological ethical conversations387
18.5.6 Pastoral conversations are not ethical neutral but inevitably theological ethical conversations 388
18.5. 7 Pastoral ethics cannot be ideological: Socially constructed ethics.... . .... 390
18.5.8 ExJernaliJation and the ethical abilities oft he unfaithful spouse.. . ........... 392
I 8.5.9 Ritualisation enhances the ethical abilities of the unfaithful spouse.. . . ....................... 392
18.5. 10 A narrative approach and the unfaithful spouse's secret... .. ..... 393
18.6 A narrative approach in pastoral therapy and the use or Scripture ................................................ 393
18. 7 Pastoral therapy and the discourses of self.fulfilment and agape .................................................... 394
18.8 Equality in the therapeutic relationship and the client's self·fulfilment. ......................................... 395
18.9 Externalisation and the discourse of agape ....................................................................................... .396
18.10 A narrntive approach in pastoral therapy must not be ideologised .............................................. .397
18.11 A more personal reDection on postmodernistic theology ............................................................... .398
BIBLIOGRAPHY .................................................................................................. 402
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TABLE OF FIGURES
Figure 1: The relation between age, gender and unfaithfulness...... .. ......... 21
Figure 2: The relation between church attendance and unfaithfulness.... .22
Figure 3: The relation between marital status and unfaithfulness........ .. .. 23
Figure 4: The relation between level of education and unfaithfulness .................. 25
Figure 5: The relation between age groups and unfaithfulness ............................. 27
Figure 6: The relation between unfaithfulness, gender, age group and divorce .... 29
Figure 7: The main reasons for divorce . .. ......................... 30
Figure 8: The fluctuation of eras over time ....................... 241
Figure 9: The duration of people's first marriages before an affair. .. . 243
TEXTUAL NOTES
Translated quotes
I have translated quotes from authors writing in languages other than English into
English. The reader will find the original versions as footnotes and the translated
English versions in the main text
Page reference numbers
I have used the Harvard reference system (Kilian 1989). Kilian (1989:26)
comments on the Harvard reference system, making the following introductory
statement in connection with references in the text:
In this system references to sources in the text give only the author's
surname and the year of publication in parentheses, adding a page
reference if necessary [bold mine].
This statement has led me to believe that usually only the author's name and the
year of publication are required in a reference in the text. It has also led me to
believe that a reference to page numbers may be added if I deem it necessary.
9
Hence, I have usually given only the author's name and the year of publication. It
was only after completing the thesis' manuscript that I learnt that other readers
interpret Kilian's (1989:26) statement differently, i.e. they consistently add page
numbers to text references.
My interpretation of Kilian's (1989) statement is, however, consistent with the
system of reference of the American Psychological Association (APA):
A publication is cited by inserting the author's name and the year of
publication in the text ... The name-date method is widely accepted as the
most convenient citation method in psychology (and many other disciplines)
and is used, with minor variations, by the British Psychological Society (BPS)
(1979) and the American Psychological Association (1983) [bold mine].
(Plug & Verster 1987:16)
My promoter, joint promoter and I have decided to leave the references as they are
and to include this textual note on references to page numbers. I have inserted
some page reference numbers, but it was impossible to do so everywhere due to
time limitations.
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