Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships

448 Pages·2009·2.12 MB·English

by  David Schnarch

Praise from readers of Passionate Marriage

“This book gives you so many ‘ahaaas!’ that you get a sense of power due to
your insight . . . . Passionate Marriage is like having a map of the whole forest
and the location of each clue and a decoder key.”

“This book applies to all kinds of relationships, not just married couples.”

“It’s a process. Getting from where we are to where we want to be takes time. It
isn’t just a matter of saying, ‘Here, these are my expectations . . . meet them!’
It’s opening a dialog, building on a foundation, getting to know yourself and
your partner. It’s a voyage of discovery.”

“It’s about how to grow.”

“The thing I love best about it is its message of hope . . . . things get better as
you get older.”

“It is providing us with hope because it’s giving us the ability to see something
concrete for the first time. We now can set a goal that we have control over.”

“Following the concepts in this book can have both of you exploring your sexual
potential in ways you can’t even dream of now.”

“Use of this reading material may lead to certain side effects. Reported side
effects so far include (but are not limited to) increased happiness, a feeling of
lightness, increased love and empathy, increased positive interactions with one’s
children, and an overall feeling of empowerment.”

“It has shaken me to my core. It will not leave you untouched if you truly read it.
Plus, I feel like it is giving me new tools I can use to really deal with whatever
my spouse, or life, hands me, and not come unglued.”

“I really can’t even begin to explain the difference reading this book made in my
life.”

“We sometimes have a tendency to have our feelings be influenced by what we
read . . . what we ‘should’ be feeling, etc. It’s great to finally read something that
validates something I’m doing right, instead of reading something that validates
why something is wrong.”

Also by David Schnarch

Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship

Constructing the Sexual Crucible:

An Integration of Sexual and Marital Therapy

Resurrecting Sex:

Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvenating Your Relationship

Passionate Marriage

Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed

Relationships

David Schnarch, Ph.D.

Quote from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. Copyright © 1923 by Kahlil Gibran

and renewed 1951 by the Administrators C T A of Kahlil Gibran Estate and

Mary G. Gibran. Reprinted by permission of Alfred A. Knopf, Inc.

“If we only arrange our life according,” from Rilke on Love and Other

Difficulties: Translations and considerations by John J.L. Mood. Copyright ©
1975 by W. W. Norton & Company, Inc. Reprinted by permission of W. W.

Norton & Company.

Copyright © 2009, 1997 by David Schnarch All rights reserved

Printed in the United States of America

First published as a Norton paperback 2009

All personal vignettes and stories from workshops and presentations are true.
Full-length case vignettes are composites from actual cases. Vignette of the

Couples Retreat in Chapter 14 is a composite from several retreats (identifying

information has been altered); the composite scene accurately represents

common occurrence.

Passionate Marriage™, Passionate Couples™, Sexual Crucible™, Crucible™,

Sexual Crucible Approach™, and Crucible Approach™ are trademarks owned by

David Schnarch.

Website http://www.passionatemarriage.com

For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write
to Permissions, W. W. Norton & Company, Inc., 500 Fifth Avenue, New York,

NY 10110

Manufacturing by Courier Westford Production manager: Devon Zahn Library

of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Schnarch, David Morris 1946-

Passionate marriage: love, sex, and intimacy

in emotionally committed relationships / David Schnarch.

p. cm.

Includes index.

ISBN 0-393-04021-6

1. Sex in marriage. 2. Sex therapy. 3. Marital psychotherapy. I. Title

RC557.S312 1997

616.89’156—dc21 96-40893 CIP

ISBN 978-0-393-33427-2 pbk.

Beaufort Books

27 West 20th Street, Suite 1102

New York, NY 10011

www.beaufortbooks.com

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0

To my wife,

RUTH MOREHOUSE

who has helped me learn more about love and marriage than I ever hoped I’d

know

In memory of

ESTELLE SCHNARCH

My beloved grandmother

THEODORE URBAN

My friend for twenty-seven years

Contents

Preface to the 2009 Edition
Introduction
Acknowledgments

SECTION ONE: THE BASICS
1. Nobody’s Ready for Marriage—Marriage Makes You Ready for

Marriage

2. Differentiation: Developing a Self-in-Relation
3. Your Sexual Potential: Electric Sex!
4. Intimacy Is Not for the Faint of Heart
5. Sexual Desire: Who Wants to Want?

SECTION TWO: TOOLS FOR CONNECTION
6. Hugging till Relaxed
7. Love and Foreplay Aren’t Blind, Unless You Insist on It
8. Eyes-Open Orgasm: Making Contact during Sex
9. Where’s Your Head during Sex? Mental Dimensions of Sexual

Experience

10. Fucking, Doing, and Being Done: It Isn’t What You Do, It’s the Way

You Do It

SECTION THREE: OBSERVATIONS ON THE PROCESS
11. Two-Choice Dilemmas and Normal Marital Sadism
12. Hold onto Yourself: Your Crucible Survival Guide
13. Couples in the Crucible: Reaching Critical Mass
14. Sex, Love, and Death

Referral Information
Notes
Key Themes and Ideas According to Readers

Index

Preface to the 2009 Edition

When I first wrote Passionate Marriage more than a decade ago, my goal was to
create a book that could change people’s lives. I knew my therapy with clients
did that. But I didn’t know if a book—any book—could have that kind of
impact. I put my heart and soul into writing it, and when I was finished I knew it
was one of the best things I had ever done. But was it good enough? There was
no way to know.

Time has shown that Passionate Marriage has helped far more people than I

could ever treat in therapy. Rather than becoming outdated or passé, it has a
readership that continues to grow. Many have developed missionary zeal to
share this book with those they value. People hear about it from friends, parents,
adult children, therapists, doctors, ministers, and university professors. Although
written for the general public, it is now used in undergraduate psychology
courses, graduate training of therapists, and theological seminaries. Responses
from around the world suggest it describes a universal experience that transcends
gender, sexual orientation, geography, and culture.

Readers wrote to say Passionate Marriage changed their lives. Many started,

“I’ve never been moved to write an author, but . . .” and ended with “Bless you.”
The thank-you notes and success stories have been quite overwhelming. People
said it saved their marriage, even when they were sure it was over. It gave them
new ways of seeing things, increased their resilience, and gave them hope.
Others said they wouldn’t be divorced if they had read Passionate Marriage
sooner. Personal disclosure about my own marriage apparently makes it warm
and accessible. Its humor, genuineness, and honesty, visceral life-altering
resonance, and great examples were also singled out for praise. Its frank
eroticism appealed to many who felt that someone finally understood what they
wanted.

An amazing number of people strongly identify with the couples in this book

(“I’m just like Bill and Joan . . .”), and many can quote page and verse (“. . . and
pages 200—202 really hit me between the eyes!”). Readers applied what they
learned to all aspects of their lives, like dealing with children and friends.
Responses indicate that it not only resolves common problems like nagging
undercurrents, boring routine sex, and lack of intimacy, but specifically helps
with difficult issues like:

Constant bitter arguments
Pervasive relationship problems
Power and control struggles
Separation or imminent divorce
Sexual dysfunctions or lack of desire
Extramarital affairs
If you’re having these kinds of problems, you’re not alone: In the last two

years, Passionate Marriage compelled almost nine thousand people to take an
ongoing survey on the PassionateMarriage.com Web site. Responses support this
book’s perspective on love relationships: Normal people have difficulty with sex
and intimacy.

Seventy-one percent reported having sex no more than once or twice a
month, and more than half had sex only once or twice a year. Only 29
percent had sex at least once or twice a week, which everyone thinks is the
norm.
Forty-two percent went as long as three to six months without having sex,
and many of them went a year or longer.
One out of two people (50 percent!) said their sex was friendly but
predictable and uninspired, lacking creativity and spontaneity. Another 17
percent went further, saying their sex was passionless, mechanical, and
nonerotic. On top of this, an additional 15 percent were celibate. Only 18
percent said their sex was steamy.
The vast majority of people said their sex had little intimacy and emotional
connection. Many reported it mostly consisted of trading orgasms (34
percent) and/or hiding their true sexual selves (25 percent).

The good news is that this book can help you with these kinds of problems.
If you Google “Passionate Marriage,” or peruse book reviews on

Amazon.com, you’ll find that people all over the world are discussing this book.
So much so that I decided to study what parts of the book were most important
to readers by reviewing extensive forum discussions devoted to Passionate
Marriage scattered throughout the Internet. There was remarkable consensus in
their comments:

First and foremost, Passionate Marriage shows you how love relationships

really work. Second, you get a load of powerful new concepts that give you new
ways to understand your particular situation and new ways to handle it. The
range of ideas by which people are struck, and the depth of their efforts to

embrace them, is impressive (and humbling).

In the time since Passionate Marriage was first published, many things have

changed. I’ve gotten older. My beard is now gray. My wife tells me I’m getting
sweeter. My daughter tells me I’m getting wiser. My ideas have evolved, my
clinical work has ripened, the applications have broadened, and my appreciation
of the people-growing machinery of marriage has grown. But with a decade of
hindsight, I wouldn’t change anything in this book. Time has demonstrated that I
had it right when I wrote it. Passionate Marriage has gone on to be the backbone
of a domestic-violence treatment program demonstrating highly effective results
with eight hundred men over eight years. And a parent education program for
poverty-level families, based on its core principles, has been shown to boost
their children’s performance on standardized achievement tests.

To many people Passionate Marriage is more than a road map of

relationships. It outlines a lifestyle, a way of living, a way of being in the world:
Its basic principles apply to all aspects of life. Reader by reader, a worldwide
community of people has emerged who resonate with its message and want to
live it. I know it because I am at the hub, but for the most part few of these
people know one another. Finally, to remedy this (and to respond to numerous
requests), an online community will soon exist where you can make contact and
share experiences with like-minded people. If you’re interested, go to
www.Passionate Marriage.com.

May this book bring out the best in you and your relationships. A lot of

readers cheer you on!

David Schnarch, Ph.D.

November 2008

Introduction

I do not hold that practical truths can be made plain in the market place.

—Denis DeRougemont

LOVE IN THE WESTERN WORLD

Let me welcome you by sharing a personal vignette:

When I was a young graduate student at Michigan State University, I chose a

charismatic professor to be chairman of my research thesis for my master’s
degree. Unfortunately for me, the results at best failed to confirm—and possibly
negated—my mentor’s clinical approach. Fortunately, the statistics expert on my
thesis committee was Jack Hunter, a gifted mathematician, who taught me a lot
more than the meaning of numbers.

My professor pressured me to write my thesis as if the results were equivocal;

Jack showed me how the data suggested otherwise. After I spent a year writing
my thesis from both viewpoints, my mentor decreed this second analysis would
be reduced to a footnote (literally). Shocked and frightened, I appealed to the
other faculty members on my thesis committee. They told me to “work it out”
with my mentor. One said privately, “Look Dave, we have to live with him a lot
longer than we have to live with you. Give him what he wants.”

That person was not Jack Hunter. Jack said to me, “Dave, once you sign your

name to that thesis, it’s on there forever. You can always do another master’s
thesis. Do what you think you should do.”

“I’d be throwing away years of work!”
“Then do what you think you should do.”
There were times I was angry at Jack—and at myself—because he

encouraged me to do what I thought was right. But now I count this among the
truly great things in my life (that I don’t want to do again). My next two years
were devoted to an entirely new thesis (with a new chairman). In the
acknowledgments section of my master’s thesis lies an unknowing statement of
differentiation:

I have learned something about quality research, and also that the emotional
prices involved in making “expedient” and “pragmatic” concessions often
far exceed the effort needed to stand behind my own convictions. There are
considerable emotional costs in receiving one master’s degree for the price

considerable emotional costs in receiving one master’s degree for the price
of two master’s theses, and I have been fortunate to have friends who were
willing to bear with me while I was paying them.

I tell you this story for several reasons: for one, it illustrates differentiation, a

cornerstone of a passionate marriage—and of this book. By differentiation, I’m
referring to standing up for what you believe. Calming yourself down, not letting
your anxiety run away with you, and not getting overreactive. Not caving in to
pressure to conform from a “partner” who has tremendous emotional
significance in your life (in this case, my professor/chairman). Great abilities to
have when you’re married.

This is how I learned about differentiation in graduate school. Not as theory

in a classroom, but as a life-shaping incident that helped bring me to the point I
can write what you’re reading. (I encountered differentiation as a concept in my
professional work a decade later.) At the time, I had no idea what good
preparation I was receiving for marriage, and for developing what you’ll learn in
this book.

The second reason I’ve shared my experience is because your differentiation

is important in two ways: you’ll probably have to differentiate from much of
what you’ve learned—and society still believes—about how to achieve hot sex
and deep intimacy, if you’re interested in having either. It doesn’t involve
“communication” or giving in to your partner—it involves “holding onto
yourself.” That’s the second way your differentiation is important: you’ll
probably have to increase your differentiation if you want to explore your sexual
potential with your spouse.

In my evolution as a therapist and teacher (and a husband), I’ve had to

increase my own differentiation. I found anomalies in contemporary sexual and
marital therapy—and common views of sex and intimacy—that rocked me to my
core. Sex therapy had almost no consideration for marriage as a system, and
nothing to do with passion and eroticism—wet sex. (For example, ask yourself:
what lies beyond orgasm? This book answers that question.) Likewise, most
marital therapies didn’t work when applied to sex. This didn’t bother lots of
therapists because sex therapy and marital therapy were—and still are—
primarily separate disciplines. But these shortcomings directly affect how you
approach sex. And they affect everyone in society.

Once I recognized all this, it was like I was back with Jack Hunter; my

differentiation was again tested. Could I leave the “tried and true” methods of
contemporary martial therapy and sex therapy? The end result of my five-year
crucible was publication of Constructing the Sexual Crucible: An Integration of
Sexual and Marital Therapy. Many ideas you’ll encounter here are fully