Party Like a President: True Tales of Inebriation, Lechery, and Mischief From the Oval Office

273 Pages·2015·10.85 MB·English

by  Brian Abrams

PARTY
Like a
PRESIDENT
True Tales of Inebriation, Lechery,
and Mischief from the Oval Office
by BRIAN ABRAMS

illustrated by
JOHN MATHIAS
W O R K M A N P U B L I S H I N G * N E W Y O R K
Copyright © 2015 by Brian Abrams
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ISBN 978-0-7611-8084-5
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Illustrations by John Mathias
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C ONTENTS
Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vi
Party Key . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . viii
1. GEORGE WASHINGTON: The High and Mighty General . . . . . . . . . . . 1
2. JOHN ADAMS: His Rotundity’s Morning Routine . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
3. THOMAS JEFFERSON: Riding, Dining, and a Little Un-bending . . . . . . 11
4. JAMES MADISON: His Fine, Portly, Buxom Dame . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16
5. JAMES MONROE: Holiday Road . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
6. JOHN QUINCY ADAMS: Gambling Furniture . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26
7. ANDREW JACKSON: Animal House . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30
8. MARTIN VAN BUREN: Martin Van Ruin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38
9. WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON: 32 Days . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
10. JOHN TYLER: His Accidency . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50
11. JAMES K. POLK: Workaholic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54
12. ZACHARY TAYLOR: The Hazards of a Teetotaler Lifestyle . . . . . . . . . 59
13. MILLARD FILLMORE: Cult Obscurity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63
14. FRANKLIN PIERCE: Hero of Many a Well-Fought Bottle . . . . . . . . . 66
15. JAMES BUCHANAN: Bosom Buddies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71
16. ABRAHAM LINCOLN: A House in Disarray . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77
17. ANDREW JOHNSON: In the Face of My Nation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83
18. ULYSSES S. GRANT: A Natural Craving . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87
19. RUTHERFORD B. HAYES: The Water Flowed Like Champagne . . . . . . 96
20. JAMES A. GARFIELD: Undoing the Hayes Ban . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 99
21. CHESTER A. ARTHUR: The Swinging Garden of Babylon . . . . . . . . . 102
22. GROVER CLEVELAND: Sheriff Jumbo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 109
23. BENJAMIN HARRISON: The Pious Moonlight Dude . . . . . . . . . . . . 115
24. GROVER CLEVELAND: Stealth Operation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 120
25. WILLIAM MCKINLEY: Frat Boys Take the Stand . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 124
26. THEODORE ROOSEVELT: The Mighty Lord of the Wilderness . . . . . . 127
27. WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT: Continuously Hungry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 132
28. WOODROW WILSON: A Passionate Scholar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 139
29. WARREN G. HARDING: Scandalous . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143
30. CALVIN COOLIDGE: The Unknown Comic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 150
31. HERBERT HOOVER: Lock, Stock, and Bootlegger’s Barrels . . . . . . . . 154
32. FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT: American Hero, Awful Bartender . . . . . . 160
33. HARRY S. TRUMAN: Straight Shooter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 168
34. DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER: First Couch Potatoes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 172
35. JOHN F. KENNEDY: The Carnal Adventures of JFK and His Highly
Influential Vice President, “JJ” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 176
36. LYNDON B. JOHNSON: The Texas White House . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 186
37. RICHARD M. NIXON: All the President’s Meds . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 193
38. GERALD R. FORD: Memories of Jerry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 198
39. JIMMY CARTER: Brother’s Keeper . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 203
40. RONALD REAGAN: Raising the Drinking Age . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 208
41. GEORGE H. W. BUSH: The Vomiting Incident . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 212
42. WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON: Slick Willy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 217
43. GEORGE W. BUSH: The Demon Looking Back . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 223
44. BARACK OBAMA: The Choom Gang . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 228
CONCLUSION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 233
PARTY APPENDIX . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 235
ADDITIONAL RECIPES . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 240
SOURCES . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 243
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 260
To Professor Irwin Corey—
friend, comedy legend, and always
too hip for the room
INTRODUCTION
Which President
Would You Have
a Beer With?
I
N THE TWO YEARS I SPENT RESEARCHING AND WRITING PARTY LIKE A
President—from reading nothing but political biographies and archived
periodicals, to conducting dozens of interviews with presidential museum
librarians, university professors, and National Park Service rangers—this was
one of the questions that friends wanted me to answer. And why wouldn’t they?
Such sentiments have plagued elections since 1840. It’s perhaps the dumbest
thing anyone could contemplate within 300 feet of a polling place’s entrance.
And yet, Americans are comforted to know that the incoming leader isn’t some
animatronic black ops experiment—that he or she does, in fact, have an appre-
ciation for a generous pour of 12-year Glenlivet or the salted rim of a margarita
glass. We are reassured to learn that they, too, require a stiff one at the end of a
long day.
Indeed, alcohol provides a departure from workplace hells—whether one
is steaming milk for a teenager’s latte or negotiating an armament control treaty.
Burdened with establishing precedent at his every move, George Washington
plowed through three to four glasses of Madeira during his midday dinners.
In the Cold War era, Harry Truman threw back an ounce of Old Grand-Dad
each morning “to get the engine going.” And let’s not dismiss the joys of sex and
drugs. John F. Kennedy admitted that he could not “get to sleep” without “a lay.”
In retirement, an ailing Ulysses S. Grant mixed cocaine with both water and
wine to help him finish writing what would become a best-selling memoir. On
some level, the fact that even the president of the United States finds sanctuary
inside of a bottle or in a mistress’s bed might give us a sense of national unity.
Or we should elect more responsible leaders. Go figure.
INTRODUCTION • vii
The when, what, and why for each president’s need (or aversion) to getting
drunk, stoned, and off is pretty much the thesis for this book. Some chapters
take a biographical approach to examine the likes of Grover Cleveland’s rep-
utation as a soused street fighter and Franklin Pierce’s alcoholic depression.
Other chapters focus on zeitgeist and culture. (That includes times when they
didn’t partake. Herbert Hoover craved gin as much as the next man, but you’d
be damned to find any at his table setting during Prohibition.) Throughout
the book, sidebars delve into topics such as the impacts of the beer and wine
industries on the eighteenth-century working class and the evolution of health
hazards. Cocktail recipes at the end of each chapter should (hopefully) give a
sense of fleeting trends, as well as traditions, popularized in U.S. nightlife.
Two years ago, I set out to write a definitive guide to presidents and their
vices because I thought that “getting completely blasted is funny.” And it is,
especially when applied to men of importance who vomited on a horse’s mane
(Grant) and were soaked with whiskey by a poker-playing monkey (Harding—a
man of dubious importance). But my initial interest expanded from collecting
fratty anecdotes to presenting these accomplished figures in a more relatable
light. I became determined to find the humanity within the most inane subject
matter: explicit love letters, slurred speeches, and nude swims at Bing Crosby’s
house, among other shameless moments.
But which president would you most want to have a beer with? More
importantly, why do we care? Because maybe our leaders’ vices are just as tell-
ing as their accomplishments. After reading the chapter that depicts a hungover
George W. Bush regrettably staring at himself in a bathroom mirror, my neigh-
bor put it best: “Presidents, they’re just like us.” Just like us, as in, no matter
one’s IQ score or social status, we’re all idiots sometimes? Yes, I would say that is
an accurate assessment. Whether that’s a comforting or terrifying realization is
entirely up to you.
Brian Abrams
New York City, 2014
PA RT Y
K E Y
H
ere’s your guide to the vices, which are noted at the beginning of each
chapter. However, the extent to which each president indulged—whether
moderately, compulsively, or simply administering illegal substances to interns
as if they were lab rats—should be considered on a case-by-case basis.
Ale
ale \’āl\
It was the joy of working-class America ever since the Framers
breathed germs onto the Declaration of Independence. Beginning
with hard cider, fermented brew was the country’s first successfully
mass-produced alcoholic beverage, overwhelming the nation with pride and
flatulence. Over time, the basic working recipe branched out to include lagers,
pilsners, pale ales, stouts, and pumpkin-honey-mint holiday-flavored atrocities.
Amyl nitrite
am·yl ni·trite \’a-mәl ‘nī- trīt\
’
Denizens of the mid- to late-twentieth century’s gay underworld
might have more familiarity with the term “poppers,” a pressur-
ized glass capsule (“pearl”) that, when snapped open beneath the
nostrils, emits a “pop” and releases the chemical compound of amyl nitrite into
the body, giving inflated senses of time and sexual prowess. Send samples to
author’s attention at Workman Publishing (address, inside front cover).
PARTY KEY • ix
Champagne
cham·pagne \sham-’pān\
Beer may forever hold the honorable title of Choice Beverage
in Everyman’s public house, but drier varietals of bubbly from
European regions have always stocked the cellars of upper-class
families. An average bottle clocks a modest 12 to 14 percent alcohol, but rich
people do not mind. The effervescent wine still packs enough potency to wreck
one’s head.
Cigar
ci·gar \si-’gär\
Fired up on men’s golf courses and at basement poker tables, the
flavorful rolled tobacco, popularly grown in the southern United
States and Central American regions, continues to symbolize celebration and
stature. It also acts as an apparent relaxant before or after meals. Some users
prefer a quicker fix by the less distinguished habits of lighting a cigarette or
“dipping” a pinch of finely ground tobacco in their lower lip. All are risks actively
and joyfully taken, despite the inevitable cancer.
Cocaine
co·caine \kō-’kān\
In the late 1500s, South American natives ingested coca and
tobacco leaves to get a remarkably tingly, soothing buzz. This rec-
reational habit later expanded across the Earth—and would be administered
via snorting; rubbing into the oral tissue; gargling a mixed, water-based solu-
tion; and, according to the mythology of Stevie Nicks, blown into the rectal
cavity with a straw.
Coitus
co·i·tus \’kō-ә-tәs\
Simultaneously the great motivator and an Achilles’ heel, making
whoopee strengthened personal constitutions in several commanders in chief,
be it with first wives, second wives, flight attendants, teenage slaves, fanatical
admirers, Russian spies, or White House staff.
Gluttony
glut·ton·y \’glәt-nē\
Before the arrival of television and the twenty-four-hour news
cycle that followed, the highly distinguished hungry hungry