Pains in the Office: 50 People You Absolutely, Definitely Must Avoid at Work!

219 Pages·2004·8.64 MB·English

by  Andrew Holmes

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50 PEOPLE YOU ABSOLUTELY, DEFINITELY MUST AVOID AT WORK
A N D R E W H O L M E S D A N W I L S O N
AND
CAPSTONE
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FOR WAGE SLAVES EVERYWHERE
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50 PEOPLE YOU ABSOLUTELY, DEFINITELY MUST AVOID AT WORK
A N D R E W H O L M E S D A N W I L S O N
AND
CAPSTONE
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Copyright ©Andrew Holmes and Dan Wilson 2005
The rights of Andrew Holmes and Dan Wilson to be identified as the authors of this work have
been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
First published 2005 by
Capstone Publishing Limited(a Wiley Company)
The Atrium, Southern Gate
Chichester, West Sussex, PO19 8SQ
www.wileyeurope.com
Email (for orders and customer service enquires): [email protected]
All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or
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Publisher should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons Ltd, The Atrium,
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faxed to ([phone].
ISBN 1-84112-615-2
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Contents
Pains – A Catalyst for change 6 THE GRASS 112
Acknowledgements 7 THE GREAT BORE OF TODAY 116
THE JOY OF WORK 8 THE IDLE GIT 120
THE ARSE COVERER 16 THE JARGON JUNKIE 124
THE BALL-BREAKER 20 THE LEECH 128
THE BODY BEAUTIFUL 24 THE LIAR 132
THE BOOZER 28 THE LITTLE BIG MAN 136
THE BOWEL MOVER 32 THE LOVEBIRDS 140
THE BULLY 36 THE MARTYR 144
THE BUTT LICKER 40 THE MASTICATOR 148
THE CHIMNEYSTACK 44 THE MENTAL MASTURBATOR 152
THE COMPANY BIKE 48 THE MIDAS 156
THE COMPETITOR 52 THE MISMANAGER 160
THE CONTROL FREAK 56 THE MOANER 164
THE CORRUPT BASTARD 60 THE NITPICKER 168
THE DIET BORE 64 THE NOSEY PARKER 172
THE DINOSAUR 68 THE POLITICAL CORRECTOR 176
THE DISTRACTER 72 THE POLITICIAN 180
THE EARLY BIRD 76 THE ROAD BLOCK 184
THE ECCENTRIC 80 THE SARKY BASTARD 188
THE EGOTIST 84 THE SINATRA 192
THE EXCUSE MAKER 88 THE SPACE INVADER 196
THE EXTRACURRICULAR 92 THE STRESS JUNKIE 200
THE FAD SURFER 96 THE TEFLON AND MARIGOLD 204
THE FLASH GIT 100 THE TREE-HUGGER 208
THE GOOSER 104 THE VILLAGE IDIOT 212
THE GOSSIP 108 Afterword 216
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Pains –
a catalyst for change
Who would have believed it? Pains on Trainswas a great success, a bestseller
and of course a great read. But wait a minute, there’s more to this Pain-
Spotting business than meets the eye. It has actually changed the way we
commute. No sooner had the Broadsheet been exposed than the quality newspaper
publishers started to ditch their broadsheet formats in favour of tabloids. First the
Independent, then The Times. There’s only three left – the Guardian, the Financial Timesand the
Telegraph, but I am sure it won’t be long before they succumb to the power of Pains. Then a
student at Chichester University, Hannah Watts, decided to base her dissertation on my
book and staged a play in a mocked-up tube carriage. All your favourites were there, the
Pervert, the Broadsheet, the Sleeper and the Traveller. I have also heard of avid Pain
Spotters identifying and ticking off the Pains as they journey to and from work.
The phenomenon of Pains is changing the way we think and they way we behave. So it’s
time to turn our attention to the next environment which needs some drastic surgery –
work. Pains in the Officewill explore the dark side of the work environment and expose many
of your colleagues who have been put on earth to upset, depress and annoy you. It’s the
perfect antidote to nightmarish co-workers everywhere!
AH
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Acknowledgements
L ike any book, there are always people who provide invaluable input. I would
like to highlight a small number of these observant ladies and gentlemen. James
McColl, Martin Luther, Linda Latham, Elton Mayo, Andy Smith, Frederick Taylor,
Nick Birks, Alistair Kett, Eric Cornish, Godert Van Der Poel, Sarah Tripp, Donna Peters and
the host of people who would rather remain nameless. I would also like to thank Dan
Wilson, the new illustrator who has made a fantastic job of injecting some additional and,
at times, much needed humour; John Moseley, my editor at Capstone who helped to
lighten the entries and of course Sally, who added her usual vital input. Boy, is she glad she
doesn’t have to work anymore.
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The Joy of work
“My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.”
– Abraham Lincoln
Iwonder just how many of us, given half a chance, would work. And by work I mean
the standard scrape yourself out of bed on a Monday morning sort of work, not the
vocational sort of stuff which really excites some, but by no means all. From the straw
poll of the 2,872 workers I took whilst writing this book, it would be very few indeed. In
fact, a paltry 14. The majority of us are economic refugees washed up on the shores of
some unsuspecting company. Of course we all delude ourselves that the jobs we have are
very interesting, immensely satisfying and are things that we had always wanted to do. In
reality our current employers were probably the only people to offer us work. And we
needed the cash… Such working lives fall way short of fulfilment, irrespective of what the
management theorists might have us believe. This lack of fulfilment is reflected in the
increasing trend within the working population to downshift in order to get a more
satisfying life. One in four people over the age of 30 has voluntarily taken a job with lower
pay because they want an easier life in exchange for a drop in income of around 40 per
cent. Another survey of the over-forties found that 65 per cent felt they were in the wrong
job. And, finally, a survey which investigated how happy people were at work found that,
for the most part, very few of us were extremely happy in our jobs. And it seems the more
swanky the job (accountants, architects, pharmacists and IT experts), the lower the
happiness. The converse was true, with hairdressers being far happier. Interestingly only 4
per cent of estate agents were extremely happy in their work (they probably deserve it
though, don’t they, after all they don’t make us particularly happy either). Such surveys