Overcoming Passive-Aggression, Revised Edition: How to Stop Hidden Anger from Spoiling Your Relationships, Career, and Happiness

317 Pages·2016·19.27 MB·English

by  Tim Murphy

Advance praise for Overcoming Passive-Aggression
“Murphy and Oberlin have written a practical, straightforward book on
overcoming hidden anger. Through the use of numerous real-life examples, they
weave a path through the pain, stress, desire, and control that are associated with
passive-aggression. They offer solid wisdom, guidance, and advice for
uncovering it in family, school, and workplace relationships. Most importantly,
they offer and discuss valuable tools for easing it in oneself and others, including
mindfulness, forgiveness, laughter, praise, and effective listening. Written for
both a lay and professional audience, readers will come back to this book time
and again as a resource for managing their overall mental health and well being.”
—PAUL GIONFRIDDO, President and CEO, Mental Health America; author of
Losing Tim: How Our Health and Education Systems Failed My Son with
Schizophrenia “Chronically irritable, blaming, undermining, and downright
toxic, the passive-aggressive’s concealed anger is destined to wreak havoc in
relationships, in families, and on the job. Murphy and Oberlin shine the light of
hope on this personality style and show readers the antidote to passive-resistance
and malignant anger. This book is certain to be a game changer for passive-
aggressive people, those who love them, and the mental health professionals
who struggle to help them.”
—W. BRAD JOHNSON, PhD, author of Crazy Love: Dealing with Your
Partner’s Problem Personality
“This book shines the spotlight on passive-aggression, which lives below the
radar. Well researched and loaded with up-to-date examples, practical strategies
abound in this outstanding book.”
—JEFFREY BERNSTEIN, PhD, author of 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child
“The revision of the excellent Overcoming Passive-Aggression is most welcome,
providing a comprehensive understanding and coping strategies for passive faces
of anger, while also addressing hostile and aggressive teens, intimate
relationships, and passive anger that is threatening to children and divorce. I will
continue to recommend this book to my angry patients with even more
enthusiasm.”
—W. ROBERT NAY, PhD, author of Taking Charge of Anger, Second Edition
“Tim Murphy and Loriann Oberlin have written an informative and lucid
description of a prevalent and insidious psychological mechanism. Passive-
aggression is maladaptive and detrimental, not just for the person manifesting
this behavior but, for those toward whom it is directed. Understanding how to
recognize, manage, and ultimately resolve such behaviors can be, not just
therapeutic but, liberating.”
—JEFFREY LIEBERMAN, MD, Chair of Psychiatry, Columbia University
College of Physicians and Surgeons; Psychiatrist in Chief, New York
Presbyterian Hospital; past President, APA; author of Shrinks: The Untold Story
of Psychiatry Praise for the previous edition
“Murphy, a psychologist and member of Congress, and Oberlin (coauthors of
The Angry Child) closely examine how this kind of anger, called passive-
aggressive, can undermine sufferers and their relationships and make life
generally miserable. . . . While acknowledging the complexity of the problem,
the work provides ample opportunity (and exercises) for personal growth
regardless of whether you are on the giving or receiving end of passive
aggression.”
—Publishers Weekly
“Overcoming Passive-Aggression is not just a clear, concise description of a
common problem; it’s an invaluable tool to help you deal with it.”
—MARGUERITE KELLY, family advice columnist for the Washington Post
“. . . scientifically well-grounded, beautifully written, and eminently practical in
its discussion of . . . the expression of anger, direct and hidden.”
—THEODORE MILLON, PhD, DSc, Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard
University, author of Personality Disorders in Modern Life “Overcoming
Passive-Aggression helps passive-aggressives deal with their hidden anger and
offers their targets ways to cope and manage.”
—MARTIN KANTOR, MD, author of Passive-Aggression: A Guide for the
Therapist, the Patient, and the Victim

Also by Tim Murphy and Loriann Oberlin
The Angry Child: Regaining Control
When Your Child Is Out of Control
Also by Loriann Oberlin
Surviving Separation and Divorce
Letting Go: Book One of The Maryland Shores
Second Chances: Book Two of The Maryland Shores (under pen name
Lauren Monroe)

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their products are claimed as
trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Da Capo Press was aware of a trademark
claim, the designations have been printed in initial capital letters.
Copyright © 2016 by Tim Murphy and Loriann Hoff Oberlin All rights reserved. No part of this publication
may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic,
mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
Printed in the United States of America. For information, address Da Capo Press, 44 Farnsworth Street, 3rd
Floor, Boston, MA 02210.
Designed by Linda Mark
Set in 11 point Electra LT Std by Perseus Books Cataloging-in-Publication data for this book is available
from the Library of Congress.
Revised Da Capo Press edition 2016
ISBN: 978-0-7382-1919-6 (e-book)
Published by Da Capo Press, an imprint of Perseus Books, LLC, a subsidiary of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
www.dacapopress.com
Note: The information in this book is true and complete to the best of our knowledge. This book is intended
only as an informative guide for those wishing to know more about health issues. In no way is this book
intended to replace, countermand, or conflict with the advice given to you by your own physician. The
ultimate decision concerning care should be made between you and your doctor. We strongly recommend
you follow his or her advice. Information in this book is general and is offered with no guarantees on the
part of the authors or Da Capo Press. The authors and publisher disclaim all liability in connection with the
use of this book. The names and identifying details of people associated with events described in this book
have been changed. Any similarity to actual persons is coincidental.
Da Capo Press books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the United States by
corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets
Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA 19103, or call
[phone], ext. 5000, or e-mail [email protected].
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
About the Authors
TIM MURPHY earned his PhD from the University of Pittsburgh and has spent
four decades as a psychologist and advocate for a better healthcare system. In
January 2015, he began serving his seventh term in the US Congress,
representing the 18th District of Pennsylvania. He is co-chair of the Mental
Health Caucus, a founding member of the GOP Doctors Caucus, and chairs the
Oversight and Investigations Subcommittee of the House Energy and Commerce
Committee, which encompasses healthcare matters, food and drug safety, public
health research, environmental quality, energy policy, and much more.
Congressman Murphy’s subcommittee began a multi-year investigation in
2013 into the nation’s broken mental health system in the wake of school
shootings and mass acts of violence, homelessness, victimization, and other
problems associated with untreated mental illness. His landmark reform
legislation, called the Helping Families in Mental Health Crisis Act, HR 2646, of
2015 was written to solve the shortage of psychiatric hospital beds and mental
health providers, improve research, allow families to have a helpful role in care,
and provide treatment before tragedy. Praise for this has come from esteemed
groups such as the American Psychiatric Association and the National Alliance
on Mental Illness as well as from national media from coast to coast, including
CNN, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, The Seattle Times, San
Francisco Chronicle, and Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.
Dr. Murphy has an active license as a psychologist and serves as a
commander in the Navy Reserve Medical Service Corps at Walter Reed National
Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland. He works as a Navy
psychologist with service members undergoing treatment for traumatic brain
injury and posttraumatic stress. Prior to joining the House of Representatives,
Murphy served as a Pennsylvania State Senator from 1997 to 2002, where he
was responsible for writing and passing the state’s historic Patient Bill of Rights,
among other achievements. He serves as an associate adjunct professor at the
University of Pittsburgh School of Public Health and was an assistant professor
in the School of Medicine. For more than twenty years, Dr. Murphy worked with
children and families in private practice and at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh.
LORIANN OBERLIN earned both a master’s degree and a post-master’s
certificate in clinical counseling from Johns Hopkins University. Currently, she
maintains a private practice as a licensed clinical professional counselor (LCPC)
in Maryland with two offices—one outside Washington, DC, and the other on
Maryland’s eastern shore. In her practice, she treats children, adolescents, adults,
couples, and families, using evidence-based cognitive-behavioral and family
systems modalities. She also provides coaching and consultation services and
has spoken before colleagues, employee assistance groups, the community, and
at workplace seminars.
Ms. Oberlin has completed mediation, child-access, and collaborative law
training as well as Gottman Method Couples Therapy workshops. She has
worked in Maryland’s second-busiest emergency department and in community
mental health prior to establishing her own practice. Oberlin spent more than
thirty years as a writer of nonfiction books, magazine and newspaper articles,
and most recently fiction, writing under the pseudonym Lauren Monroe. She’s a
member of the Eastern Shore Writers Association, assists in planning the Bay to
Ocean Writers Conference, and presents at other conferences. Her website is
www.loriannoberlin.com. Ms. Oberlin manages this book’s Facebook presence
at www.facebook.com/OvercomingPassiveAggression.
The insights presented in this book stem from previously published literature;
the former psychological practice of Tim Murphy, PhD; the current clinical
practice of Loriann Oberlin, MS, LCPC; and our own observations of human
behavior.
All anecdotes in this book are composites crafted to illustrate certain
concepts. Fictitious names and details have been added, and thus any similarities
between the anecdotes presented in this book and any actual person, living or
deceased, is entirely coincidental.