Over our dead bodies : undertakers lift the lid

194 Pages·2014·1.2 MB·English

by  Kenneth McKenzie

Praise for Mortuary Confidential
“As unpredictable and lively as a bunch of drunks at a New Orleans funeral.”
—Joe R. Lansdale, author of Edge of Dark Water

“Sick, funny, and brilliant! I love this book.”
—Jonathan Maberry, author of Extinction Machine

“These true mortuary tales are poignant—and suddenly, gaspingly, in-your-face
funny.”
—Booklist

“Curious, wildly honest stories that need to be told, but just not at the dinner
table.”
—Dana Kollman, author of Never Suck a Dead Man’s Hand

“Alternately poignant and peculiar, Mortuary Confidential is an insightful
glimpse into the real lives of undertakers.”
—Melissa Marr, author of The Arrivals

“I have always had an insatiable curiosity of anything that smacks of the tawdry.
I suppose the ‘goings on’ around funeral parlors must fall under this category
because I could not put this book down. Fascinating.”
—Leslie Jordan, Emmy Award–winning actor
A K M K H
LSO BY ENNETH C ENZIE AND TODD ARRA

Mortuary Confidential: Undertakers Spill the Dirt
Over Our Dead Bodies
UNDERTAKERS LIFT THE LID
Citadel Press
K P C
ENSINGTON UBLISHING ORP.
WWW.KENSINGTONBOOKS.COM
All copyrighted material within is Attributor Protected.
For Rick, who taught me the trade.
Table of Contents
Praise for Mortuary Confidential
Also by
Title Page
Dedication
- There’s No Such Thing as a Normal Day
CHAPTER 1
- The Aftermath of a Suicide
CHAPTER 2
- The Label: Undertaker
CHAPTER 3
- Foray into Fund-Raising
CHAPTER 4
- The Calendar
CHAPTER 5
- 10-Carat Anniversary
CHAPTER 6
- My Television Failures and Hollywood Calling
CHAPTER 7
- Cremation and the Goat
CHAPTER 8
- The Busy Season
CHAPTER 9
- Stuff Happens
CHAPTER 10
- The People
CHAPTER 11
- The Furniture
CHAPTER 12
- Epitaph
CHAPTER 13
- Raising the Roof
CHAPTER 14
- The Gift
CHAPTER 15
- Are Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson in Attendance?
CHAPTER 16
- Ouija
CHAPTER 17
- After [Death]
CHAPTER 18
Acknowledgments
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Copyright Page
Notes
The following collection of stories contained within this work are based on
actual events; details, names, and events have been altered and/or
fictionalized to protect confidentialities.
I am able to say that while I am not so ruggedly well,
I am not ill enough to excite an undertaker.
—M T
ARK WAIN
CHAPTER
1
There’s No Such Thing as a Normal Day
E
ven though I knew it was coming, it was still a shock—as it’s supposed to be
—as my front doors crashed back on their hinges and policemen flooded in. I
found myself staring into the business end of a lot of pistols and I think a
shotgun or two. I don’t really remember. When there are guns pointed at me my
mind tends to go to mush.
“Against the wall!” a voice behind one of the pistols commanded.
And though my mind was shouting I’m the owner! I’m the owner! I merely
stumbled up against the wall as the wave swept past me, less one officer, who
gave me a pat down.
From the parking lot, I could hear the screams of a man overshadowed by an
officer yelling, “Stop resisting! Stop resisting!”

In retrospect, the day hadn’t started out so bad, and if I had known it would
have ended with BioTech—a crime scene remediation service—scrubbing blood
out of the carpet and off the walls, I never would’ve gotten out of bed that
morning. No funeral is worth that kind of aggravation, not to mention being
frisked like a teenage girl on prom night.
It was a Saturday, deceptively sunny and warm for what grief the day would
bring. I arrived at my place, McKenzie Mortuary, located in Belmont Heights,
Long Beach, early, made coffee and took messages off the answering service,
and then took Ruthless, my goldendoodle, for a walk around the block before
locking him in my office. My morning routine complete, I went into the chapel
to get everything ready for the Revis service. I had dressed and casketed Mrs.
Revis the day before, and sometime during the evening the hairdresser had come
and done her hair and makeup. I checked the makeup and, satisfied, set about
transferring all the flowers from the flower room to the chapel and setting them
up around the casket.
Arranging floral tributes is a tricky art. We always set the family pieces
closest to the deceased, the closer the degree of kinship, the closer to the casket,
followed by coordinating colors and styles. Therefore, what might look best isn’t
necessarily what is set up because of how close or far from the casket the piece
has to sit due to kinship. Mrs. Revis had a large family; I filled the entire front