Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples

301 Pages·1984·6.305 MB·English

by  Nena O'Neill, George O'Neill

OPEN MARRIAGE
A New Life Style for Couples
A New Life Style
for Couples
by Nena O'Neill &George O'Neill
M. Evans and Company, Inc., New York
To each other
ISBN: 978-0-87131 -438-3
ISBN o-87131-438-X Paperbound
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 75-164550
Copyright O 197%b y Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill
Copyright O 1984 by Nena O'Neill
Copyright O 1984 by Roger W. Libby
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced
or transmitted in any form or by any means without the written
permission of the publisher.
M. Evans and Company, Inc.
216 East 49 Street
New York, New York 10017
Design by Paula Wiener
Manufactured in the United States of America
Contents
Foreword vii
Update xi
Preface and Acknowledgments xix
1 Why Save Marriage at All? 15
2 Who Has the Open Marriage? 45
3 Rewriting the Contract 53
4 Open vs. Closed Marriage-the Guidelines 67
5 Living for Now and Realistic Expectations 78
6 Privacy 89
7 Open and Honest Communication (I):
Verbal and Non-verbal loo
8 Communication ( 11) :
Self-disclosure and Feedback log
CONTENTS
Communication (111) :
Productive Fighting and Fantasy Sharing 128
Role Flexibility ( I):
Masculine and Feminine-Which Is What? 137
Role Flexibility ( 11) :
Role Reversal and Role Exchange 151
Open Companionship 165
Equality 185
Identity 205
Trust 224
Love and Sex without Jealousy 239
Synergy: Couple Power through Person Power 260
Notes 271
Bibliography 281
Research and Related Works on
Open Marriage : A Selected List
Since Publication 289
Foreword
Open Marriage was a runaway best-seller in 1972 because
it developed a refreshing, unique perspective on the inti-
mate potential of an egalitarian partnership. The book
stayed in print for twelve years and was translated into four-
teen languages because it offered reasonable hope for a more
sensitive, intimate, and exciting view of marriage.
Nena and George O'Neill interviewed couples and re-
flected on their reservoir of knowledge about intimate rela-
tionships from a perspective that used their collective
awareness of psychology, anthropology, and sociology. The
result is a prophetic conceptualization of what egalitarian,
growth-oriented marriage can be in spite of our highly cmx-
petitive, work-obsessed society.
Not since Bertrand Russell's Marriage and Morals in 1929
has there been such an original treatise on the changing
vii
nature of modern marriage. Studies come and go, but this
qualitative analysis of the role definitions and communica-
tion patterns that we can learn to integrate in our own
partnerships represents a new view of marriage. By comple-
menting and extending beyond Judge Ben Lindsay and
Ernest Burgess's companionate marriage theories and by
incorporating "vital marriage" as researched by John Cuber
and Peggy Harroff, the O'Neills have taken a giant step
toward what it means to be both modern and married. Open
marriage is contrasted with the prison image of closed mar-
riage-where the goal is to fit people prescribed role pat-
terns in the name of 'love."
Not everyone is suited to an open marriage. The O'Neills
do not force us into their view of marriage. But it is to their
credit that the core of their book has increasingly come to
define marriage. Specifically, the individual strengths of
partners, the freedom and the privacy each needs to con-
tinue to grow as a unique person, the honesty and open
communication that are required for deepening intimacy
and meaningful commitment without destructive jealousy,
and the excitement of living in the present are often-held
goals in both new and more seasoned marriages.
Open Marriage has been misinterpreted and blamed as an
unqualified license to engage in free sex by those who have
failed to read it carefully. To their credit, the O'Neills were
precise and balanced about the possibility of mutually agree-
ing to sex with others. The publication of Open Marriage
has ushered in an age where illicit affairs and prudish
6'arrangements" are no longer the only choices for those
desiring freedom with honesty and responsibility. The
O'Neills' synergistic model is based on mutually agreed-upon
guidelines which ensure that personal freedom leads to per-
sonal and relational growth and that intimate friendships
with others are equally responsible, sensitive, and honest.
An open marriage is more than armchair theory. Today's
middle class has developed a genre of marriage that is com-
panionate-open in some areas and closed in others. Thus,
most marriages are not either entirely open or entirely
closed, but usually include a blend of guidelines that are
constantly subject to change. The 07Neills have identified
the processual nature of modern marriage, leaving the static,
institutional view to those who still wish a traditional mar-
riage with a husband and father who dominates his wife and
children.
All of this is not to say that everyone with an open mar-
riage has an open agreement to sex with others. But sexually
open marriages are far from figments of our imaginations. A
recent national survey found that 15 percent of a mostly
upper-middle-class sample of married couples (with both
spouses agreeing) reported they had a sexually open mar-
riage.
Nena and George 07Neill's book has profoundly and irrev-
ocably affected our culture. There can be no turning back
to a no-choice view of traditional marriage. Open Marriage
is one of the first watershed events that has led to better
communication and commitment based on real choice, re-
sulting in more creative partnerships. The book has bath
reflected and affected modem marriage. It has been highly
influential with the young, who are now approaching or are
in the midst of middle age.
The women's movement has supported and been sup-
ported by Open Marriage. The term open marriage is now
in major dictionaries, many social scientists do research
about various aspects of open marriage, and no comprehen-
sive marriage and family textbook can afford to leave out a
full discussion of open relationships.
This reissuing of Open Marriage will enhance the social
visionary status of Nena and George O'Neill, and it will
reemphasize the importance of their synergistic view of love
and marriage. George O'Neill would be very proud of the
immense staying power of Open Marriage. His untimely
death a few years ago made many of us more aware of the
incredible contribution of his collaborative effort with Nena
O'Neill. George's insights live on in this new edition, and