Now That's Funny! Jokes and Stories from the Man Who Keeps America Laughing

239 Pages·2012·1.33 MB·English

by  Simmons Andy

A READER’S DIGEST BOOK
Copyright © 2012 The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc.
All rights reserved. Unauthorized reproduction, in any manner, is prohibited.
Reader’s Digest is a registered trademark of The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc.
FOR READER’S DIGEST
U.S. Project Editor: Katherine Furman
Project Designer: Jennifer Tokarski
Managing Editor: Lorraine Burton
Senior Art Director and Cover Designer: George McKeon
Associate Publisher, Trade Publishing: Rosanne McManus
President and Publisher, Trade Publishing: Harold Clarke
Executive Editor, Reader’s Digest North America: Courtenay Smith
Creative Director, Reader’s Digest North America: Robert Newman
Editor-in-Chief and Chief Content Officer, Reader’s Digest North America: Liz Vaccariello
President, Reader’s Digest North America: Dan Lagani
President and Chief Executive Officer, Reader’s Digest Association, Inc.: Robert E. Guth
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Simmons, Andy.
Now that’s funny : hilarious stories from the man in charge of making America laugh / Andy
Simmons.
p. cm.
ISBN: 978-1-60652-504-3
1. American wit and humor. I. Title.
PN6165.S56 2012
818’.602—dc23
2012008802

We are committed to both the quality of our products and the service we provide to our customers. We
value your comments, so please feel free to contact us.
The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc.
Adult Trade Publishing
44 South Broadway
White Plains, NY 10601

For more Reader’s Digest products and information, visit our website:
www.rd.com (in the United States)
www.readersdigest.ca (in Canada)

This book is dedicated to my beautiful and devoted wife, Linda, who…wait,
that’s not her name. What’s her name? I said it just this morning, “Hey, HER
NAME, you ate the last Entenmann’s crumb donut again!” It’s a name with a
“G” sound. Geronimo? No. Gulie? Wait, it’s right here on page 59…Salsa? No,
that’s not it. There’s someone named Jennifer here…That’s it! To my wife…wait,
where’s that page again…Jennifer! To my wife, Jennifer
(JenniferJenniferJenniferJennifer, okay, got it). Who has good-naturedly
allowed herself to be used as my unwitting dupe in so many articles over the
years. That, or she never complains because she doesn’t bother to read anything
I write. In any case, she is beautiful and devoted and even laughs at most of my
jokes. Okay, some. Okay, smiles appreciatively. All right, nods in recognition
that my mouth is moving before she turns back to watch Ghost Hunters. Oh,
what the hell, I love her. Now I’m blushing.
Contents

The Most Important Thing About This Book
Part One: America the Funny
My Life as an Award-Winning Jokes Editor
America’s Ten Funniest Jokes
Be the Funniest Person in the Room
America’s Funniest Family Stories
Stand Up? Sit Down!
Part Two: All in the Family
Welcome to My Life
Macho, Macho Man
The “F” Word
Ode to My Puppy #1
Lord of the Dance
Brush Up on Your Shakespeare
Yankee Doodle Andy
Ode to My Puppy #2
Making Up Is Hard to Do
“In Five Hundred Feet, You Will Be Lost”
“Plutonic” Friends
How to Ruin a Joke
Itching for a Fight
Buff Your Shoes with a Banana
How Sweet It Is
The Dow of Pooh
Part Three: America the Odd
America, the Beautiful…and Odd…and Hysterical…and…
My American Journey (Part 1)
Lessons I Learned from Dumb Criminals—All Too True Edition
Liar, Liar
Calling Dr. Frankenstein!
Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You
So Sue Me!
The Guide to the American Man-Hug
Lame Excuses
My American Journey (Part 2)
Part Four: I Work with Other Funny People
Let Me Get My Red Pencil
The Petrified Woman!
Humorist Jimmy Tingle Proposes an Alternative to the Alternative to the
Alternative Energy Plan
The Mad Men of Pranks Inc.!
What Does a Movie Producer Do?
Make It Stop!!
Part Five: I Suck Up to Famous People
A Q&A with the King of Ha-Has, Andy Simmons
Tragedy Tomorrow, Comedy Tonight: A Chat with Woody Allen
The Funniest Person I Know: Carl Reiner on Mel Brooks
Robin Williams Grows Up (Just a Little)
A Comic’s World
The Funniest Person I Know: An Older Garry Shandling on a Younger
Garry Shandling
Stop Clowning Around: Alan Alda Says the Joke’s on You
Oy, It’s the Holidays!
Mirth Mother: My Interview with Comedian Anita Renfroe
The Funniest Person I Know: The Office Writer/Actor B. J. Novak on Ricky
Gervais, et al.
Acknowledgments
The Most Important Thing About This Book

I wrote my first book when I was six years old. The title was Me, and it was
a no-holds-barred look at its young subject (turns out he was a perfect angel!). It
was one page, the perfect length—long enough for the reader to enjoy the then
state-of-the-art crayon typeface, short enough for them not to get bored.
I mention this because when the book editors at Reader’s Digest asked me to
write a book covering my years as the magazine’s humor editor here, I was
already a seasoned author and confident that I could produce a quality one-page
tome. After all, my first book sold out its entire print run of one copy, and I was
more than confident that my father would once again rise to the occasion and
buy another.
“This needs to be a little longer than one page,” they said.
“Are you sure?” I asked. “One page is a perfect length—long enough for the
reader to…”
“We’ll need a few more pages because we want you to walk us through what
it’s like to be the humor editor of America’s largest magazine. Tell the world
how you choose the jokes and reader-submitted anecdotes that are among the
most popular destinations in the magazine. Include essays you’ve written, as
well as the interviews you’ve conducted with famous comedians. Who were the
authors you most enjoyed working with? Who do…?”
“Yeah, great. But let’s first talk about my author photo?”
“Excuse me?”
“The photo on the book jacket. We are going to have one, aren’t we?”
“We haven’t really thought that far…”
“Well, I think we should discuss it.”
“But we haven’t even discussed what articles you might include in the book.
Maybe…”
“I think if we have the author’s photo the rest will fall into place. Now, what
should I wear?”
“We see this as a multifaceted work, part memoir and part collection of
articles you’ve written and edited…”
“Know what would be nice? A black and white photo. Very dramatic.
Besides, I have a lot of black and white clothes. I don’t look good in pastels.”
“You’ve been here nine years, right? We want to hear all about your favorite
jokes…”
“Although one year for Halloween I went dressed as an L.L. Bean catalog and
won first prize.”
“We also want you to discuss how the humor departments came to be, you
know, ‘Life in These United States,’ ‘All in a Day’s Work,’ ‘Humor in
Uniform,’ and…”
“Should I wear a hat? Hats are in.”
“…what you look for when a reader contributes a gag about his or her life…”
“Would you be able to see my socks? I have a collection of very cool socks.
They’re hand-me-downs from my father. They all have holes in them, but don’t
worry, they’re in the heels, so they’ll be covered by the shoes.”
“You wear hand-me-down socks?”
“My father has excellent taste in socks.”
“We also want to hear about the many celebrities you edited or
interviewed…”
“Where’s the photo going to be? The back cover or inside the dust jacket?
Will we have a dust jacket? Do books really get dusty? And if so, can’t you just
wipe the dust off on your pants?”
“…like Woody Allen, Fran Lebowitz, Jerry Lewis…”
“How much are we going to charge for this book?”
“What does that have to…”
“If we charge a lot then we can afford a really good photographer. And
makeup artist. Shouldn’t I be over zits at my age?”
“…”
“Should I smile or should I be serious?”
“…”
“How about when I pose I set my chin on the backs of my hands, you know,
pompous-ass style.”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“Basically, I’m looking for a photo that will leave people thinking, Now that
guy can write! Because, truth be told, I’m not sure the words in the book will do
the trick.”
“How about this, why don’t you pull together your favorite humor articles
from the past nine years, including interviews, essays you’ve written, and jokes