Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat

241 Pages·2013·4.059 MB·English

by  Alvear, Michael

Praise for Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat
“After decades working as a love and sex advice expert, there's
no doubt there is a strong correlation between body image and
sexual satisfaction. Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat is a much-needed
and highly recommended book for any female who finds herself
focusing on perceived body flaws to the detriment of her sex life
and relationship. This book doesn't just help put a stop to negative
thinking during sex; it's packed with effective, specific techniques
to permanently banish body shame in the bedroom. It's a must-
read for any woman who's ever worried whether her body is good
enough—and isn't that most of us?”
—Tracey Cox, international bestselling author of Hot Sex
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How to Stop Worrying About
Your Body and Have Great Sex
M i c h a e l alv e a r
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Copyright © 2013 by Michael Alvear
Cover and internal design © 2013 by Sourcebooks, Inc.
Cover design by Liz Connor
Cover photo © Brand New Images/Getty Images
Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any elec-
tronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—e xcept in
the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews— without permission in
writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc.
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard
to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not
engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or
other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should
be sought. — From a Declaration of Principles Jointly Adopted by a Committee of the American Bar
Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations
This book is not intended as a substitute for medical advice from a qualified physician.
The intent of this book is to provide accurate general information in regard to the subject
matter covered. If medical advice or other expert help is needed, the services of an appro-
priate medical professional should be sought.
All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered trade-
marks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks, Inc. is not associated with
any product or vendor in this book.
Published by Sourcebooks Casablanca, an imprint of Sourcebooks, Inc.
P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4 410
(630) 961- 3900
Fax: [phone]
www.sourcebooks.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Alvear, Michael.
Not tonight dear, I feel fat : how to stop worrying about your body and have great sex
/ Michael Alvear.
pages cm
Includes bibliographical references.
(pbk. : alk. paper) 1. Sex instruction for women. 2. Body image in women. 3. Women-
-Sexual behavior. 4. Sex. I. Title.
HQ46.A544 2013
306.7082--dc23
2013001627
Printed and bound in the United States of America.
VP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
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CONTENTS
Introduction vii
Section One: Do These Thoughts Make Me Look Fat? 1
1. Why Dieting and Exercise Won’t Help Your Body Image 5
2. How You Ended Up Holding Sex for Ransom 13
3. The Surprising Solution to Self-Consciousness 27
4. What Scientific Studies Reveal about the Bodies Men Prefer 33
Section Two: Preparing for the Sex
Life You Deserve 43
5. Cultivating Sensuality In and Out of the Bedroom 47
6. Tune In So You Can Turn On 59
7. Novel Ways of Raising Your Libido 71
Section Three: How to Unplug Your Thoughts
and Resurrect Your Love Life 103
8. How to Take Your Mind Off Your Body During Sex 107
9. Using Sexual Competence to Build Body Confidence 119
10. Tabasco Talk vs. Negative Talk 131
11. Sexually Fantasizing Your Way Out of
Appearance Anxiety 145
12. Playing with Power 163
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vi Not toNight Dear, i Feel Fat
Section Four: Keeping Yourself Safe for Sex 181
13. What to Do When a Friend, a Date, or Your Partner
Criticizes Your Looks 185
14. What Your Partner Can Do to Help 195
15. Maintaining a Sexy Future 211
Bibliography 221
Acknowledgments 227
About the Author 228
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INTRODUCTION
Oh my god, he’s touching it.
Sound familiar? Just about every body- conscious woman
says something like that to herself at some point during sex. The
“it,” of course, is the part of your body you don’t like. Sometimes
this is just a passing thought, but sometimes that thought gets stuck,
sets up camp, and gives birth to hundreds of others like it.
You start thinking things like “I’m too fat to have sex,” even
though you’re objectively average- sized. You tell friends you’re
not having sex till you’re a size six. You put conditions on sex. You
wear cover- up clothing. You only have sex with the lights out.
You only get in positions that prevent your partner from looking at
or touching certain parts of your body. Your partner starts getting
a little tired of “conditional sex” and now you start having “duty
sex” to avoid losing him or getting into terrible arguments. What
you used to enjoy you now endure. Pretty soon your desire for any
sex, conditional or not, goes away. Or your libido stays high but
self- judgment paralyzes your enjoyment of making love.
Studies in academic periodicals and popular surveys show that
this is an alarming trend— millions of women are losing their libido
or putting off sex, even when they’re in the mood— because they
feel like they’re too fat. Notice that last part—i t’s not because they
are fat, but because they think they are. The problem is so bad that
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viii Not toNight Dear, i Feel Fat
a study in the Journal of Sex Research concluded that how you feel
about your body has more of an influence on sexual functioning
than even menopause! Bedroom body shame is ruining sex for a
growing number of women, from the petite to the plus size. They
are seeing their sex lives fall off the cliff, taking their relationships
along with them.
As the co-h ost of HBO’s Sex Inspectors, a sex makeover series that
helped couples improve their love lives, I have seen the damage that
bedroom body shame can do to a relationship. In one heartbreaking
episode, Sarah, who in no way, shape, or form could be considered
fat, was so ashamed of her “jiggly thighs” that she would only have
sex in the missionary position, and then only when the lights were
out. She could only enjoy sex when her boyfriend couldn’t see
her body. She avoided sex more and more as a way of protecting
herself, but all she managed to do was drive her boyfriend away.
Sarah had to face the fact that sexual body consciousness was
threatening her relationship (and if she’d been single, it would
have impinged on her ability to establish one). Diminished sexual
satisfaction across time predicts the likelihood of a divorce or a
breakup. Lack of sex, or the inability to enjoy it, closes you off to
the kind of closeness, meaning, and connection that form the basis
of relationships.
On the show I worked with all kinds of couples. Some of the
women worked, some stayed at home. Some were single, some
were married. Some were childless, some had children. Some
were thin, some were average-s ized. None were overweight but
it didn’t matter—t hey all struggled with some level of body shame
in the bedroom. “I don’t deserve sex,” one woman told me. “Not
without a flat belly.” I can’t think of anything you can say to yourself
that could be so cruel. Or so wrong. Yet every night, millions of
women say some version of this to themselves when their husbands
and boyfriends try to express their love physically.
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Introduction ix
Women often joke that they’re “having a fat day,” but for too
many that fat day turns into fat weeks, months, and years. What
starts out as a funny phrase can turn into a not- so- funny idea: My
body isn’t attractive enough for sex. Body consciousness in the bed-
room is so profound and so prevalent that sex researchers call it a
“normative discontent.” Meaning it’s now “normal” for women
to be unhappy with their bodies. This has predictably turned into
rampant sexual self- consciousness— that awful feeling that some
part of your body is a sexual turn-o ff and that if you don’t fix,
cover, or hide it, your partner’s going to be repulsed by it.
If you’re reading this book, then you’re probably sexually
self- conscious and looking for ways to calm your body anxiety.
The uncomfortable reality is that your attempts at fixing the
problem have probably made it worse. Maybe you’ve tried diet-
ing and exercise with little success. Or you’ve avoided sex only
to realize it poisons the relationship. You’ve put conditions on
sex, but they just manage to lessen the enjoyment for everyone.
You’ve forced yourself into “duty sex,” but your partner knows
you’re faking it. You begin losing your libido as a subconscious
effort to avoid shame- inducing sex, but now your partner feels
unloved and unwanted.
All of these well- meaning but unworkable coping strategies may
buy you time, but they’re digging you into a deeper hole. And
the first rule of holes is that when you’re in one, stop digging.
Admittedly, it’s hard to put the shovel down and try a different
approach because there doesn’t seem to be one. There are no
books on overcoming body anxiety to have good sex, and the few
magazine articles that address the subject do a great disservice by
recommending you find more creative ways of doing what you’re
already doing.
I’ve been writing about sex for twelve years. I’ve hosted three
seasons of Sex Inspectors. I’ve answered thousands of advice- seeking
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x Not toNight Dear, i Feel Fat
emails and conducted hundreds of interviews with sex therapists,
physicians, and gynecologists. And yet neither I nor any of these
experts could offer a coherent path out of the problem. It wasn’t
just frustrating; it was heartbreaking, because so many women I
care about (even in my own family) suffer from pronounced sexual
self- consciousness. With twelve years of reporting on sex and access
to so many credentialed experts, how could I not be able to offer a
solution to the women I cared about?
So I turned to researchers who’ve been studying sexual self-
consciousness for two decades, and it was there, deep within the
stacks of academic journals, that a solution became apparent. In
the last few years, scientists, therapists, researchers, and scholars
have made huge advances in the understanding of how body
image influences sexual functioning and satisfaction. You will
find some of the research quite shocking, because it directly con-
tradicts so many beliefs women have about themselves, the men
they’re attracted to, and the way they deal with their increasingly
dysfunctional sex life.
For example, most women with body anxiety believe there
are only three paths to restoring their sex lives: accept themselves
as they are, improve their bodies through diet and exercise, or
enhance their body image through positive affirmations and sup-
portive self- talk. But studies show that these methods are difficult,
impossible, or downright harmful. They can actually create more
self- consciousness in the bedroom, not less.
If you haven’t figured it out by now, significantly changing the
size and shape of your body is next to impossible. And affirming
a positive image of your body in the middle of an onslaught of
obsessive self- hatred is like diving under an umbrella to protect
you from a hurricane. Of course, the ideal solution is to accept
yourself as you are, but if that were easy to do you’d already have
done it.
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