Not My Kid: What Parents Believe about the Sex Lives of Their Teenagers PDF
Preview Not My Kid: What Parents Believe about the Sex Lives of Their Teenagers
Not My Kid This page intentionally left blank Not My Kid What Parents Believe about the Sex Lives of Their Teenagers Sinikka Elliott a NEW YORK UNIVERSITY PRESS New York and London NEW YORK UNIVERSITY PRESS New York and London www.nyupress.org © 2012 by New York University All rights reserved Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Elliott, Sinikka. Not my kid : what parents believe about the sex lives of their teenagers / Sinikka Elliott. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-8147-2258-9 (cl : alk. paper) ISBN 978-0-8147-2259-6 (pb : alk. paper) ISBN 978-0-8147-7169-3 (ebook) ISBN 978-0-8147-7134-1 (ebook) 1. Teenagers—Sexual ethics. 2. Teenagers—Sexual behavior. 3. Parent and child. 4. Parenting. 5. Sex instruction for teenagers. I. Title. HQ35.E45 2012 306.70835—dc23 2012008070 References to Internet Websites (URLs) were accurate at the time of writing. Neither the author nor New York University Press is responsible for URLs that may have expired or changed since the manuscript was prepared. New York University Press books are printed on acid-free paper, and their binding materials are chosen for strength and durability. We strive to use environmentally responsible suppliers and materials to the greatest extent possible in publishing our books. Manufactured in the United States of America c 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 p 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Contents Acknowledgments vii Introduction 1 1. Sex Panics: Debates over Sex Education and the Construction of Teen Sexuality 9 2. The Asexual Teen: Naïveté, Dependence, and Sexual Danger 20 3. Negotiating the Erotic: When Parents and Teens Talk about Sex 47 4. The Hypersexual Teen: Sexy Bodies, Raging Hormones, and Irresponsibility 63 5. Other Teens: How Race, Class, and Gender Matter 83 6. Anxious Monitoring: Strategies of Protection and Surveillance 99 7. Uncertainty in Parents’ Sexual Lessons 118 8. Conclusion: Reconstructing Teen Sexuality 144 Methods Appendix 157 Notes 165 References 183 Index 203 About the Author 216 >> v This page intentionally left blank Acknowledgments I am profoundly grateful to the parents in this book who shared their rich stories with me; many also opened their homes to me, introduced me to their children, and encouraged me to write about their lives. I am also indebted to the public school sex educators who allowed me into their classrooms to observe their lessons and helped me reach out to their students’ parents. In addition to the parents and sex educators whose generous gifts of time and insight helped make this book possible, I thank my mentor and adviser, Christine Williams, who taught me how to ask questions, infused me with an abiding curiosity, and challenged me every step of the way to be better. I owe a great debt to Debra Umberson as well for being a wonderful mentor and collaborator. An academic book is never the product of a single individual or even a handful of individuals, and I am thankful for all those whose think- ing, research, and writing have helped shape my own. I have been fortunate to learn from and work with Gloria Gonzalez-Lopez, Sharmila Rudrappa, Douglas Foley, Michael Schwalbe, Catherine Connell, Corinne Reczek, Gretchen Webber, Julie Reid, Elyshia Aseltine, and many others. I am also >> vii viii << Acknowledgments grateful for the anonymous reviewers, who provided generous and helpful feedback on the book when it was in manuscript form, and for my editor at New York University Press, Ilene Kalish, whose unwavering enthusiasm and great direction made the book a reality. My colleagues at North Carolina State University created a supportive environment that helped nurture this project through its completion. Some material in the book appeared previ- ously in Symbolic Interaction 33, no. 2 (spring 2010): 191–212; Sex Education: Sexuality, Society, and Learning 10, no. 3 (summer 2010): 239–250; and Sexu- ality Research and Social Policy 7, no. 4 (December 2010): 310–322. I thank these journals for allowing me to use that material here. And finally, I am deeply thankful to my family and friends for all their love and support. Introduction When Rose described her 14-year-old son, who is just going through the phys- ical changes of puberty, her face lit up. He is “very intelligent,” “very respon- sible,” and “loves outdoor activities.” She thinks her son revels in the pubertal changes: he proudly shows off his armpit hair and is anxiously awaiting his “happy trail” (a slender path of pubic hair running from the belly button to the pubic area), uses his deeper voice to be heard over his younger siblings, and, when he began to shave a year ago, displayed his shaving kit like “a status sym- bol.” But Rose is also worried. Two years ago she and her husband sat their son down for “the talk”: “We told him the basics of what happens. You know, what sex is.” Since then, they have taken him aside regularly to talk about sex and dating: “He got to the point where he was like, ‘Uh oh, oh no!’ and he would like get scared every time we said we need to talk.” Rose has persisted, however, because “I want to make sure he knows all the risks that are out there.” Rose does not think her son is interested in sex yet, but she is concerned that girls might make advances toward him. The first time she and her husband talked with him about sex, “We just sat him down and said, ‘You >> 1
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