No Turn Unstoned: The Worst Ever Theatrical Reviews

198 Pages·1983·23.128 MB·English

by  Diana Rigg

COMPILED BY
Theatrical reviews-the worst that
critics have said about actors,
actresses, directors, plays, playwrights, sets,
and costumes through the ages.
Devastating, venomous, and
hilarious.
N.T.U.
$16.95
NO TURN
UNSTONED
DIANA RIGG
In NoTurn Unstoned Diana Rigg has
gathered together a treasure-trove of
awful theatrical reviews-a fascinating
and frequently hilarious survey of the
worstthatcriticshavefoundtosayabout
actors, performances, sets, writers and
directors through the ages.
Nogiantofthe stage hasescapedtheir
vitriolic pen. Laurence Olivier, Dame
Peggy Ashcroft, Sarah Bernhardt,
Glenda Jackson, Katharine Hepburn,
Maureen Stapleton-they have all been
sufferers. They said that Diana Pugg 'is
built like a brick mausoleum with insuf-
ficient flying buttresses'; Sir John Giel-
gud has 'the most meaningless legs
imaginable'; and Tallulah Bankhead
'barged down the Nile last night as
Cleopatra and sank.' All actors re-
member their own worst reviews and,
here, a number have contributed theirs
withwrycomment. Alec McCowen, for
instance, recalls this with a shudder **?N7D
about his performance in Luther: 'an
inspired piece of miscasting...a frail
schizoid pixie in a robust cycloid
role... it helped ifyou shut your eyes.'
And plays too. Classics like The
Birthday Party were, greeted with out- mmmt
(continuedon backflap)
/

NoT,
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orstEver
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iews
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1983
Designed by Craig Dodd
LibraryofCongressCataloginginPublicationData
Mamentryundertitle:
NoturnunstonecT
Includes index.
—
I. Theater Reviews. I. Rigg, Diana.
PNI707.N58 1983 792.9'5 82-46071
ISBN0-385-18862-5
© 1982DeclutchProductions,Ltd
OriginallypublishedinGreat BritainbyHamishHamilton
All RightsReserved
Printed intheUnitedStatesofAmerica
Content*
Introdi
Action
7
1 sActosr< rs—-
2
ACri
fjic's Devi
C)e 49
^ "^•nBH
Pi,
fain 65
Musicals, „
^fars 93
5
%j*« Across
the
m
09
C/ass/c
Kol,e
« 137
7
Oirecr<°
r^
Prodi
fu
Sett a«d Th <*ioi,s,
leatres
8 J59
Miscelh
fany
1 75
"BiWb'liography
189
"idex ion
850182
Acknowledgements
I would particularly like tothankall thecritics whonotonlygenerously
allowed me touse theirtexts, butalsogavegreatencouragement; Molly
Sole of The Old Vic; John Goodwin of The National Theatre Press
Office; Levi Fox of The Shakespeare Institute; Angus Mackay for his
tireless research and profound knowledge of matters theatrical; John
Lonsdale and Colin Wilson ofThe Times Library for helpwith research,
and John Lonsdale for the index; John Adrian, Frank Muir and Bevis
Hillier; Martin Tickner and Sheridan Morley; Frances Koston; Dorothy
Swerdlove of The New York Metropolitan Museum Theatre Library.
Jenny Pearsoncomesat theendofthis paragraphonlybecause Iwish to
say a greatdeal more about her and hercontribution. Jenny is a writer,
yet out of friendship and enthusiasm for the project undertook to help
not only research, but the wearisome business of transcribing tapes,
sourcing, and generally pulling the book into shape. It was her gentle
guidance that kept me going when I flagged, her skill that transformed
my plodding prose into the readable. In short, without Jenny there
would have been nobook.
I, and my publishers, would also like to thank the following for
permission to use copyright material:
Punch Publications Ltd for many illustrationsand someextracts; George
Harrap Ltd for the illustrations by Nerman from Caught in the Act;
Raymond Mander and Joe Mitchenson Theatre Collection for all the
other illustrations. The Daily Telegraph, inparticularforthereviewsof
W. A. Darlington; The SocietyofAuthorsastheliterary representative
oftheEstateofSt. John Ervineand the EstateofGeorgeBernard Shaw;
the Trustees of the British Museum, the Governors and Guardians of
the National Gallery ofIreland and Royal Academy ofDramatic Art for
the letter from George Bernard Shaw to Wendy Hiller, © 1982;
Walter Kerr and Brandt and Brandt Inc, New York; Clive James(from
Visions Before Midnight published by Cape and Picador and Glued to
theBoxpublishedbyCape); The Literary ExecutorsofJamesAgateand
George Harrap Ltd; Mrs Eva Reichmann and the Estate of Max
Beerbohm; The Observer and Robert Cushman; Times Newspapers
Ltdfor reviews by Irving Wardle and Ned Chaillet; Random House Inc
for the extracts by John Simon from Singularities; Mrs George Jean
Nathan for the extracts by George Jean Nathan from The Theatre
Book of the Year 1943-44 through 1950-51; Harper and Row
Publishers Inc. for the extracts by Stanley Kauffman from Persons of
theDrama; Express NewspapersLtd fortheextractsby Hannen Swaffer;
the Estate of Kenneth Tynan for extracts from A View ofthe English
Stage published by Davis-Poynter, Curtains, He That Plays The King
and Tynan Right and Left published by Longmans; John McCarten in
The New Yorker © 1945, 1973, reprinted bypermission; and Andrew
©
D. Weinberger for the extracts from The Portable Dorothy Parker,
1973 The National Association for Advancement of Colored People,
first published in The New Yorker.
Every effort has been made to trace the copyright holders, but, should
there be any omissions in this respect we apologise and shall be pleased
to make acknowledgement in any future editions.

'A critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned,' as my friend the Reverend Joseph
McCulloch once remarked to me, and from this maxim came my idea for the book. It
followed, surely, that everyone in my profession must, at some time, have beengiven abad
notice. So I wrote to all the well-known actors and actresses of today and asked them to
donate their worst/funniest review. A delicate task. I was, quite simply, asking them to
dredge up what they might well have preferred to forget. For my part, I still remember
distinctly the dismay and hurt I felt on reading John Simon's review (page 42) buc after
some weeks I began to see the funny side of it, and not much later was quoting it freely. I
hoped to discover that this attitude prevailed among my betters and peers.
I was not disappointed. The replies rolled in and much encouragement with them. Some
sent several cuttings tochoosefrom. Justafewdidn't reply. Otherscouldn'tremember,but
urged me to research.
I then realized how big a task I had undertaken. To do credit to the generosity of my
contemporaries I felt I must, in fairness, demonstrate how their predecessors had fared
similarly: how adverse criticism had been visited on one and all, even the most legendary.
So I set to work, researching back to the earliest sources of comment on actors and their
art.
Critics as a formally appointed bodyof men and women whose job is to express a viewof
what is happening in the theatre are acomparatively recent phenomenon: theydidn't really
get going until the eighteenth century. But remove the capital 'C\ the formal designation,
and it turnsout that from the very beginning the audience has contained people who insist
upon making their reactions felt, both during and after the performance.
A
As Ralph Richardson said in an article fortheold Vic-We/IsMagazine, memberof the
audience, if he's worth anything at all, when he gets home after a performance, will
criticise the entertainment he has seen. It is in the nature of things that he should and it
hasn't done him anygood if he does not.'
In this sense we are all critics, and so it has been since the very beginning. Turns, I
discovered, havebeen stoned bymanypeopledown theyearsforextremely varied reasons.
Bad noticesgo back as far as acting itself. When Thespis, the Greek poet who founded our
profession, made history by stepping outof thechorus to impersonateoneof thecharacters
in the story that was being told, not everyone greeted this brilliant departure with the
enthusiasm it deserved. (I wonder what prompted him to take thisrevolutionary step? Even
today, directors complain that actors always want to improve their parts: but we have an
ancient precedent and the instinct remains strong!)
When Thespis brought his invention to Athens around 560BC, Solon, the lawgiver,
denounced it as a dangerous deception. This was more than a personal view: it was the
expression of a deep social anxiety over the representation of godlike qualities by a mere
man.
On this first confrontation, however, the critics were overridden by the success of the
enterprise. (And not for the last timeeither.)By 543BC thepracticewasso well established
that a competition in tragic acting was held in Athens, and Thespis, now an old man, was
awarded first prize.
At this early stage all the parts in a play were performed byone man, usually the author.
Aeschylus, the great actor-dramatist, then added a second actor to the cast in his plays,
Sophocles added a third, and so the profession was established.
From that dawn until the present day it has continued in the teeth of a daunting
opposition, ranging from the intellectual and civic leadersofclassical antiquity through the
saints and Church Fathers to the Puritan opposition of relatively modern history.