No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them

352 Pages·2003·1.15 MB·English

by  Michele Borba Ed.D.

000FM.Borba 12/16/02 6:26 PM Page iii
No
More
Misbehavin’
Difficult
38 Behaviors
and How to Stop Them
Michele Borba, Ed.D.
000FM.Borba 12/16/02 6:26 PM Page i
000FM.Borba 12/16/02 6:26 PM Page iii
No
More
Misbehavin’
Difficult
38 Behaviors
and How to Stop Them
Michele Borba, Ed.D.
000FM.Borba 12/16/02 6:26 PM Page iv
Copyright © 2003 by Michele Borba.All rights reserved.
Published by Jossey-Bass
A Wiley Imprint
989 Market Street,San Francisco,CA 94103-1741 www.josseybass.com
Note to the Reader:All of the letters in this book are have been received
from parents over the past few years.The names of the parents and chil-
dren,as well as their location,have been changed to protect their privacy.
No part of this publication may be reproduced,stored in a retrieval sys-
tem,or transmitted in any form or by any means,electronic,mechanical,
photocopying,recording,scanning,or otherwise,except as permitted
under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act,
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Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Borba,Michele.
No more misbehavin’:38 difficult behaviors and how to stop them/
Michele Borba.— 1st ed.
p.cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 0-7879-6617-7 (alk.paper)
1.Discipline of children.2.Child rearing.3.Parenting.I.Title.
HQ770.4.B67 2003
649'.64—dc21 2002151368
Printed in the United States of America
FIRSTEDITION
PB Printing 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
000FM.Borba 12/16/02 6:26 PM Page v
C O N T E N T S
Acknowledgments vii
Foreword by Jack Canfield xi
PART ONE
Preparing to Make Changes 1
PART TWO
Behavior Makeover Basics 7
PART THREE
Thirty-Eight Behavior Makeovers 17
1 Anger 18
2 Anxiety 26
3 Biting 33
4 Bossiness 40
5 Bullied 47
6 Bullying 56
7 Chore Wars 65
8 Cynicism 73
9 Defiance 80
10 Doesn’t Listen 88
11 Fighting 94
12 Giving Up Easily 102
13 Hitting 108
14 Homework Battles 115
15 Hooked on Rewards 122
v
000FM.Borba 12/16/02 6:26 PM Page vi
16 Impulsivity 129
17 Intolerance 137
18 Lack of Friends 145
19 Lying and Cheating 153
20 Materialistic 160
21 Meanness 167
22 Negative Peer Pressure 175
23 Overperfectionism 182
24 Poor Sportsmanship 189
25 Put-Downs 197
26 Rudeness 204
27 Selfishness 211
28 Short Attention Span 218
29 Shyness 225
30 Sibling Battles 232
31 Stealing 238
32 Swearing 246
33 Talking Back 253
34 Tattling 260
35 Teased 267
36 Temper Tantrums 274
37 Whining 282
38 Yelling 290
PART FOUR
How to Use Consequences 297
PART FIVE
Don’t Forget to Tell Your
Kids You Love Them! 305
References 319
About the Author 329
INDEX 331
vi Contents
001Acknowledgments.Borba 12/16/02 6:25 PM Page vii
A C K N O W L E D G M E N T S
T
here’s a wonderful proverb that says,“A book is like a
garden carried in the pocket.” I know there were
countless people who helped me bring this book to
fruition.Each has helped shaped my ideas and the scope of my
work.To them all,I express heartfelt appreciation.
To the hundreds of parents who have attended my work-
shops throughout the years:I am grateful to each one of you
for so honestly sharing your concerns,stories,suggestions,and
successes.
To the folks at Oxygen Media,especially Anne Patrick
and Donna Sher,for your support and the opportunity to
work with your moms.All letters in this book are from par-
ents who wrote to my website.Their questions helped me
understand which behaviors really trouble parents most,and
their honest responses helped me create discipline strategies
that stop bad behavior.(I have taken the liberty of tailoring
the length of their letters and changing names to protect their
privacy.)
vii
001Acknowledgments.Borba 12/16/02 6:25 PM Page viii
To Parents editors,especially Diane Debrovner,for the
honor of serving on your advisory board and the privilege of
speaking with so many great writers about this subject,espe-
cially Vicky Mlyniec and Deb Waldman.Special thanks to
Leslie Lambert,whose interview with me for her Parents arti-
cle,“From Chaos to Cooperation:A 21 Day Discipline
Makeover,”resulted in a fabulous friendship and planted the
seeds for this book.
To my personal cheerleading squad who have always been
there for me:thanks for your loyalty and wonderful support.
I’m eternally grateful to Annie Leedom,president of netcon-
nectpublicity.com,for her incredible knock-your-socks-off
Internet publicity skills,eternal optimism,and steadfast friend-
ship;Adrienne Biggs,of Biggs Publicity,for her immense sup-
port and ingenious ways of finding publicity leads that always
turn into gold;Steve Leedom,of nowimagine.net,for creating
my gorgeous Web site,www.moralintelligence.com,and hav-
ing endless patience when talking me through my perpetual
computer glitches;Dottie DeHart,at Rocks-DeHart Public
Relations,for her fabulous publicity campaigns and never-
ending encouragement;Hanoch McCarty,for his incredible
humor and constant list of incredible “best” book titles;
Francesca Donlan,Gannett journalist,for friendship and writ-
ing such wonderful articles;Naomi Drew,fellow writer and
comrade,for her empathetic ear and comforting encourage-
ment;Jack Canfield,for being just an e-mail away to offer the
perfect advice and help me remember to laugh;and Barbara
Keane,Judy Baggott,and Patty Service,my true loyal buddies,
for always managing to make writing easier by just being so
darn fun and available.
To the staff at Jossey-Bass—especially Jesica Church,
Beverly Miller,Erin Jow,Jennifer Wenzel,Lasell Whipple,Seth
Schwartz,and Amy Scott.Having the fortune to do three
books with this dedicated group has been a true privilege.To
Alan Rinzler,editor extraordinaire and real cultivator of this
book,I send my thanks for so many things:for planting the
viii Acknowledgments
001Acknowledgments.Borba 12/16/02 6:25 PM Page ix
initial idea,his uncanny ability to pinpoint where a change
was needed and provide the perfect suggestions,and his sup-
port through every step.Every author should be so lucky to
have such an editor.
And finally to my family,the ones who have really made
the difference in my life and nourished my growth:my hus-
band and best friend, Craig, for his unending support,
patience,and love through every phase of my life;my parents,
Dan and Treva Ungaro,for epitomizing that miraculous con-
cept,unconditional love;my mother-in-law,Lorayne Borba,
for her continual encouragement and optimism;and the true
joys of my life:my sons Jason,Adam,and Zach,for the con-
stant love and fun they bring me.And for all the times they
asked,“Aren’t you done yet?”well,it’s done!
Acknowledgments ix