Model Marriage by Bishop Dag Heward Mills

295 Pages·2010·15.78 MB·English

MODEL MARRIAGE
A Marriage Counselling Handbook
DAG HEWARD-MILLS
Unless otherwise stated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the
King JameS VerSion of the Bible.
3rd Printing 2007
First published by Parchment House 1992.
Copyright ©2005 Parchment House
Second edition
iSBn 10: 9988-596-50-2
iSBn 13: 978-9988-596-50-7
all rights reserved under international copyright law. Written permission
must be secured from the publisher to use or reproduce any part of this book,
except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles.
Contents
Section 1 – THE BELOVEDS
1 The Beloveds . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1
2. The official recognition of a relationship by the Church . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3
3. Counselling the Beloveds . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7
Section 2 – THE FUNDAMENTALS
4. Definition of marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13
5. Biblical reasons for marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15
Section 3 – THE RELATIONSHIP
6. The god-Type of marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19
7. The Christian Home . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22
8. Love in marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .28
9. Communication in marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .32
10. Faithfulness and Unfaithfulness in marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .37
Section 4 – THE DUTIES
11. Duties of the Husband. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .43
12. Duties of the Wife. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .48
13. The Total Wife . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .53
14. Homekeeping and House Helps . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .55
15. Principles of Finance in marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .58
Section 5 – UNDERSTANDING THE TEMPERAMENTS
16. introduction to the Temperaments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .63
17. What it means to Have a Sanguine Husband or Wife . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .66
18. What it means to Have a Choleric Husband or Wife . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .70
19. What it means to Have a melancholic Husband or Wife . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .75
20. What it means to Have a Phlegmatic Husband or Wife . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .80
Section 6 – THE PROBLEMS AND THE SOLUTIONS
21. Problem-Solving in marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .89
22 in-Laws . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .93
23. The Step Home . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .96
24. What every Christian Should Know about Divorce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .98
Section 7 – THE MASTER KEY OF ACCEPTANCE
25. The Key of acceptance. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .105
Section 8 – THE HUMAN BODY
26. Understanding the Human Body through Pictures . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .113
27. Family Planning methods. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .117
Section 9 – THE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP
28. introduction to Sexual Happiness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .131
29. The Wedding night . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .134
30. The Honeymoon . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .137
31. Pleasurable Sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .140
32. Dutiful Sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .142
33. exciting Sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .145
34. orgasm . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .150
35. Common Fears about Sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .155
36. Sex for reproduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .159
37. grey areas on Sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .161
Section 10 – THE PRINCIPLES OF SEX
38. assorted Biblical Principles 1-12 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .169
39. assorted Biblical Principles 13-24 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .173
40. assorted Biblical Principles 25-33 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .179
Section 11 – MORE ON TEMPERAMENTS
41. The Temperaments and Sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .185
42. Developing Spiritually mature Temperaments. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .191
43. Tips on relating to Your Spouse’s Temperament . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .196
Section 12 – THE IMPROVED SEX LIFE
44. How to improve Your Sexual Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .201
45. Sex at an older age . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .215
Section 13 – PREGNANCY, LABOUR AND CHILDCARE
46. How to Know You are Pregnant . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .219
47. What Happens during Forty Weeks of Pregnancy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .221
48. eight Common Problems in Pregnancy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .224
49. normal Life in Pregnancy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .227
50. How to Look after Yourself during Pregnancy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..230
51. Four minor Problems to expect during Pregnancy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .233
52. Labour . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..235
53. Three Stages of Labour . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .238
54. Breastfeeding. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .244
55. What to expect from Your Baby in the First Twelve months. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .249
56. immunization of Your Baby . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .255
Section 14 – PARENTING
57. Parenting and What it involves . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .261
Section 15 – NEW DIMENSIONS
58. Children by adoption . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .267
59. The Loss of a Spouse . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .270
Section 16 – TYPICAL QUESTIONS OF MARRIED COUPLES
AND THE ANSWERS
60. Typical Questions of married Couples and the answers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 279
Bibliography . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .299
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
This book is a product of much research, extensive discussions and analysis. i would like to
acknowledge the input of various persons at the different stages of its development.
i would first and foremost like to appreciate my wife adelaide, for giving me the practical
experience of marriage and for her input on various subjects in marriage. She deserves a special
mention for helping to put together the chapter on The Step Home as well as much of the material
on The Temperaments.
i also appreciate reverend e. a. T. Sackey and reverend eddy addy, my senior associate
ministers, for their diverse input over the years; their discussions, contributions and analyses of
relevant issues especially from the spiritual, biblical and doctrinal perspectives of marriage.
i am indebted to the team of medical doctors: Dr. Joe adjei, Dr. rosemary ampofo, Dr.
Henrietta orleans-Lindsay, Dr. mina John, Dr. Louisa appea-Danquah and Dr. Joyce Wilson for
their analyses, numerous medical discussions, and medical research.
i would like to appreciate major and mrs. Lawrence mefful, for their role in the marriage
Counselling Department, and also for helping to provide many of the answers to The Questions
and answers chapter.
my gratitude goes again to my wife adelaide and amelia aidoo for their input to the chapter
on Divorce.
Thanks to Duke gyamerah for the original artwork and William aggrey-mensah for refining
the artwork prior to printing. Thank you, Vida gyamerah, for your contribution as well.
my gratitude goes to Doris ademola for the initial typesetting and editorial work done and also
to Johnny awanyo for his assistance with the manuscript. Last but not least, i wish to thank the
congregation of The Lighthouse Chapel international for providing the list of questions they
thought were relevant to real marriage situations in the Questions and answers chapter.
and finally again to amelia aidoo, and Juanita C. Sackey, for their final editorial, typesetting
and concluding works on this second edition of our marriage counselling handbook.
To all of you wonderful people, i want to say that you are a great team!
INTRODUCTION
i am pleased to introduce the second and expanded edition of the marriage counselling
handbook that was originally known as The marriage Counselling manual. This handbook, first
published in 1992, and the oldest publication of this ministry, has come about through years of
studying the Word of god and gaining practical experience in marriage.
i realize from my pastoral experience, that marriage and its complicated challenges can
adversely affect most Christians and hinder individuals who are called to the ministry.
i am happy to have written and compiled this book through different stages of my life because
i have learnt from experience that we emphasize different things at different stages of life and
ministry. For instance, i have discovered that an individual's temperament in the marriage
relationship is basically what determines the person's behaviour in the marriage context. in spite
of much counselling, teaching and prayer, most people simply live according to their
temperamental dispositions. These truths were not as apparent to me ten years ago as they are
today. also, male and female behaviour patterns are much easier to predict, as they do not vary
much from person to person.
For me therefore, marriage counselling although basically the same, must be done with full
cognizance of these realities, that is, temperamental and gender behaviour patterns. if pastors
fully understand these important realities, they will not become frustrated when their counsellees
do not change much. i also believe that we will be less prone to divorce when we understand how
much our maleness, femaleness and temperamental dispositions affect us all.
i have also observed complicated situations, which lead to divorce; a phenomenon that seemed
impossible at the beginning of my Christian ministry. i have come to appreciate the contribution
of not-so-easily-diagnosed psychological and psychiatric illnesses in spousal behaviour,
especially in females. Perhaps, in later editions of this book, there will be more reference to such
matters.
recognizing that my marriage experiences alone are limited, i have always tried to tap into the
minds of both men and women on various issues in this book. in so doing, i have gathered different
attitudes and perspectives from all sides including males and females, the educated and the uneducated,
the medical and the non-medical.
This research has also been enhanced by some surveys that were conducted on different groups
and individuals.
all in all, it has been a journey of continuous learning that will never end. i pray that god will
give you wisdom for your marriage as well as wisdom to help others. i pray that every couple
that benefits from this book will have a stable and happy marriage.
SECTION 1
THE BELOVEDS
Chapter 1
The Beloveds
Who Is a Beloved?
My beloved is mine, and I am his...
Song of Solomon 2:16
A “beloved” is a person with whom you have a relationship, which is intended to end up in
marriage. In other words, he or she is the man or woman you have officially agreed to marry.
Some use the terms fiance(e), boyfriend,or girlfriendto describe the relationship, but in this book
we are adopting the term “beloved”.
We do not advise young men and women to have close relationships with the opposite sex,
which are not intended for marriage, as these boyfriends and girlfriends commonly involve
themselves in immoral vices such as fornication. Hence, we caution that such relationships
should be entered into solely for the purpose of marriage, and that the period for developing the
relationship before the marriage (traditionally referred to as courtship) should not be too long.
Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every
woman have her own husband.
1 Corinthians 7:2
Are You Sure You Want to Marry This Person?
Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.
1 Thessalonians 5:21
And they called Rebekah, and said unto her, Wilt thou go with this man? And
she said, I will go.
Genesis 24:58
1