Messages: The communication skills book: Improve your relationships & personal effectiveness by mastering: body language, couples communication, assertiveness, digital communication, public speaking, self-disclosure, active listening, influencing others

338 Pages·2018·3.743 MB·English

by  Matthew McKay, Martha Davis, Patrick Fanning

“In this fourth edition of Messages, the authors present the essentials of
basic communication. From assertiveness and active listening skills to
guidelines for digital communication and social media etiquette, every
individual, couple, and therapist will benefit from this book. If you wish to
deepen your connections to others and to succeed in every social interac-
tion, this book is for you.”
—Michael A. Tompkins, PhD, ABPP, author of Anxiety and
Avoidance and codirector of the San Francisco Bay Area Center
for Cognitive Therapy
“Messages will be warmly and fully welcomed into my clinical practice.
This straightforward, easy-to-digest, and wholly useful book on effective
communication is completely fit for its purpose. Reading, working through
the exercises, and practicing the advised skills could only move those
engaged in the process in one direction—toward improved relationships.
The plethora of communication process descriptions, exercises, styles,
needs, and outcomes provide the reader with a thorough and integrated
understanding of what it means to engage in effective communication in
the service of connection. An excellent self-help workbook about enhanc-
ing how we relate messages to others!”
—Robyn D. Walser, PhD, codirector of the Bay Area Trauma
Recovery Clinic; assistant professor at University of California,
Berkeley; and coauthor of Learning ACT, The Mindful Couple,
and other books
“This is an amazing book. The book will not only help you if you have
been struggling to communicate effectively, but also if you just want to
hone your skills. Using examples from all walks of life, the book explains
the key aspects of effective communication and provides readers with
ample opportunities to practice these skills in many different contexts.
Although it is based on sound academic research, the book is by no means
heavy academic reading. Offering many practical examples and illustra-
tions to bring the content to life, the book is written in a non-technical,
clear, concise, and personable style. I recommend this book without any
reservations.”
—Georg H. Eifert, PhD, coauthor of The Mindfulness and
Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety and Your Life on Purpose
“Messages is a must-read for any person looking to improve their commu-
nication skills; whether the reader needs to augment their relationship’s
effectiveness with significant others, coworkers, supervisors, or relatives,
this book offers ‘hands-on’ advice about how to effectively relate to others
across different settings. All chapters have specific skills and exercises to
master interpersonal skills beyond the classic teachings of using ‘I state-
ments.’ I highly recommend it!”
—Patricia E. Zurita Ona, PsyD, East Bay Behavior Therapy
Center, coauthor of Mind and Emotions, and author of Parenting
a Troubled Teen and Escaping the Emotional Rollercoaster
MESSAGES
FOURTH EDITION
THE COMMUNICATION SKILLS BOOK
MATTHEW M KAY, P D
c h
MARTHA DAVIS, P D
h
PATRICK FANNING
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in
regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the pub-
lisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional
services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent
professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2018 by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis, and Patrick Fanning
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup
Edited by Brady Kahn
All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file
Contents
Introduction 1
PART I: Basic Skills
1 Listening 7
Real vs. Pseudo Listening 8
Blocks to Listening 10
Assessing Your Listening Blocks 14
Four Steps to Effective Listening 18
Total Listening 22
2 Self- Disclosure 23
Rewards of Self- Disclosure 25
Blocks to Self- Disclosure 27
Optimal Levels of Self- Disclosure 28
Assessing Your Self- Disclosure 30
Practice in Self- Disclosure 34
3 Expressing 37
Observations 37
Thoughts 37
Feelings 38
Needs 39
Whole Messages 39
Contaminated Messages 40
Preparing Your Message 42
Practicing Whole Messages 43
Rules for Effective Expression 48
PART II: Advanced Skills
4 Body Language 57
Body Movements 58
Spatial Relationships 63
iv Messages
5 Paralanguage and Metamessages 67
The Elements of Paralanguage 68
Changing Your Paralanguage 70
Metamessages 72
Coping with Metamessages 75
6 Hidden Agendas 79
The Eight Agendas 80
Purpose of the Agendas 84
7 Transactional Analysis 87
Parent, Child, and Adult Messages 87
Analyzing Your Communications 90
Kinds of Transactions 95
Keeping Your Communications Clean 101
8 Clarifying Language 103
Understanding a Model 105
Challenging the Limits of a Model 111
Challenging Distortions in a Model 116
Some Final Clarifications 120
PART III: Conflict Skills
9 Assertiveness Training 123
Your Legitimate Rights 123
Three Communication Styles 125
Your Assertiveness Goals 129
Assertive Expression 130
Assertive Listening 132
Combining Assertive Expression and Listening 133
Responding to Criticism 134
Special Assertive Strategies 139
Assertiveness Skills Practice 144
10 Validation Strategies 145
What Is Validation? 145
How Does Validation Work? 146
Components of Validation 148
11 Negotiation 153
Four Stages of Negotiation 153
Dealing with Conflict 155
Rules of Principled Negotiation 156
When the Going Gets Tough 164
Contents v
PART IV: Social Skills
12 Forming Accurate First Impressions 171
Prejudgment Traps 172
Approval and Disapproval in Prejudgment 177
Correcting Parataxic Distortions 180
Perpetuating Illusions 182
Clarifying First Impressions 183
13 Making Contact 185
Fear of Strangers 185
Guidelines for Making Contact 189
The Art of Conversation 192
Putting It All Together 196
14 Digital Communication 201
Email 201
Texting 204
Voice Mail 206
Social Media 207
Video Communication 209
PART V: Family Skills
15 Couples Skills 215
Schemas 216
Couples Systems 221
Keeping Your Relationship Strong 233
16 Communicating with Children 235
Listening 235
Expressing 241
Joint Problem Solving 246
When to Let Go 252
When You Have to Say No 253
The Point Is … 253
17 Family Communications 255
Family Communication Disorders 256
Family Pathology 261
Family Systems 266
How to Keep Family Communications Healthy 269
vi Messages
Part VI: Public Skills
18 Influencing Others 273
Ineffective Strategies for Influencing Change 274
Effective Strategies for Influencing Others 275
A Plan for Influencing Change 279
19 Public Speaking 283
Planning Your Talk 283
Organizing Your Talk 285
Audience Analysis 289
Style 290
Supporting Materials 292
The Outline 293
Delivery 295
Dealing with Stage Fright 296
20 Interviewing 301
Clarifying What You Want 302
When You Are the Interviewer 303
If You Are the Interviewee 312
Conclusion 318
Recommended Reading 321
References 323
Introduction
Communication is a basic life skill, as important as the skills by which
you make your way through school or earn a living. Your ability to com-
municate largely determines your happiness. When you communicate
effectively, you make and keep friends. You are valued at work. Your
children respect and trust you. You get your sexual needs met.
If you’re less effective at communicating, you’ll find your life deficient
in one or more areas: Work may be all right, but your family shouts at the
dinner table. Sex can be found, but friendships never seem to work out.
You bounce from job to job and your mate is often cool, but you have a
great time with your old school buddies. You get a lot of laughs at parties
but go home alone.
Effective communication makes life work. But where can you learn
it? Parents are often dismal role models. Schools are busy teaching math
and reading. Often there’s no one to show you how to communicate your
wants, your anger, or your secret fears. No one shows you how to listen
actively, how to ask for what you want without blaming others, or how to
check out someone’s meaning instead of mind reading.
These skills have been known and available for years. They can and
should be taught right along with the three Rs. Young adults, for example,
should learn parent effectiveness skills in school before having children
of their own— not years later when a teenage son is a truant or a daugh-
ter runs away. Colleges should provide core courses in the skills of com-
munication in addition to the more traditional courses in communication
theory.
This book gathers the most essential communication skills into one
volume. They are presented in condensed form, but with sufficient exam-
ples and exercises so that you can begin practicing the skills you want to
acquire. The book tells you what to do about communicating rather than