Men Are LikeWaffles— Women Are Like Spaghetti

24 Pages·2012·0.32 MB·English

“We know Joe and Michelle Williams, and if anyone knows how to
save a marriage—it’s Joe and Michelle! They are the experts. Even
marriagesthatlookorfeeltoofargonedon’thavetobe,thankstothis
advicefromJoeandMichelle.Everycouplecouldbenefitfromread-
ing about issues that, if ignored, can undermine happiness. We all
needafewcopiesofthisbookonourshelvestogiveawaytofriends
inneed.”
—BillandPamFarrel
DirectorsofFarrelCommunications,
Best-sellingauthorsofMenAreLikeWaffles—
WomenAreLikeSpaghetti
“This book is highly readable and amazingly insightful. What Joe
and Michelle say really works. Lives have been changed by their
counsel.”
—H.NormanWright
Marriageandfamilycounselorandauthor
“Joe and Michelle Williams have written a knowledgeable, candid
guidetoreconciliationbetweenspouses.JoeandMichellearetaking
thesuccesstheyachievedinrescuingtheirmarriagefromdivorceand
are passing it on to the rest of us.Their delivery is honest, relevant,
andrelatable.Thetwelvetruthstheyexamineregardingamarriagein
crisisaresignificant,andthediscussionquestionstheyprovideatthe
end of each chapter for enlightenment are extremely valuable. This
book speaks eloquently to the current cultural reality that is divorce
and gives an alternative choice not often mentioned in today’s soci-
ety:reconciliation.”
—EricandJenniferGarcia
Co-Founders,AssociationofMarriage
andFamilyMinistries(AMFM)
“If you’re considering the ‘D’ word, immediately stop and read this
book. Joe and Michelle Williams share their own personal story of
how God restored their marriage—even after separation—and gives
Bible-based help and real hope for saving your marriage God’s way.
Wehighlyrecommendthisbook!”
—David&ClaudiaArp
Authorsofthe10GreatDatesseries
andTheSecondHalfofMarriage
“Our culture offers little hope for couples in crisis. Most simply
divorce.Yet,accordingtoPaul,Christ‘gaveustheministryofrecon-
ciliation.’Actingonthatassuranceandarmedwiththeexperienceof
their own failed marriages and separations, Joe and Michelle
Williams offer new insights on reconciling and healing for even the
most troubled and hopeless relationships. They have turned their
personalpainintoapassionforhealingmarriages.Nocoupleisbet-
ter qualified to offer guidance for the difficult journey of recovery.
Full of practical do’s and don’ts, Yes,Your Marriage Can Be Saved is
thelongoverdueguidehurtingcoupleshavebeenwaitingfor.”
—MikeandHarrietMcManus
Co-FoundersandCo-ChairsofMarriageSavers

Yes,YourMarriageCanBeSaved
Copyright©2007byJoeandMichelleWilliams
Allrightsreserved.
AFocusontheFamilybookpublishedby
TyndaleHousePublishers,Inc.,CarolStream,Illinois60188
FocusontheFamilyandtheaccompanyinglogoanddesignarefederallyregistered
trademarksofFocusontheFamily,ColoradoSprings,CO80995.
TYNDALEandTyndale’squilllogoareregisteredtrademarksofTyndaleHouse
Publishers,Inc.
AllScripturequotations,unlessotherwiseindicated,aretakenfromtheHoly
Bible,NewInternationalVersion®.NIV®.Copyright©1973,1978,1984by
Biblica,Inc.™UsedbypermissionofZondervan.Allrightsreservedworldwide
(www.zondervan.com).
Scripturequotationsmarked(NASB)aretakenfromtheNewAmericanStandard
Bible®.Copyright©1960,1962,1963,1968,1971,1972,1973,1975,1977,
1995byTheLockmanFoundation.Usedbypermission.(www.Lockman.org).
People’snamesandcertaindetailsoftheirstorieshavebeenchangedtoprotectthe
privacyoftheindividualsinvolved.
Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,storedinaretrievalsystem,ortrans-
mittedinanyformorbyanymeans—electronic,mechanical,photocopy,recording,or
otherwise—withoutpriorwrittenpermissionofFocusontheFamily.
Editors:LizDuckworth,GudmundLee
Coverdesignby:JenniferGhionzoli
Coverphoto©by:MasaakiToyoura/GettyImages.Allrightsreserved.
Coverphotoofweddingrings©by:AnastasiyaMaksymenko/iStockphoto.
Allrightsreserved.
Authorphotoby:CandyLewis
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Williams,Joe,1947-
Yesyourmarriagecanbesaved:12truthsforrescuingyourrelationship/Joeand
MichelleWilliams.
p.cm.
ISBN-13:978-1-58997-381-7
1. Marriage—Religiousaspects—Christianity. I.Williams,Michelle,1948- II.Title.
BV835.W552007
248.8'44—dc22
2006037379
PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica
5 6 7 8 9 10 11/14 13 12 11
Contents
Introduction ....................................1
1. PrayerandChurchAttendanceAreNotEnough........7
2. YouNeedtoBuildaSafeSupportSystem ............17
3. GodWillAnswerYourPrayers,HisWay.............31
4. IdentifySecretMotives...........................49
5. SpousesMayChangeAfterMarriage................65
6. AngerCanBeHandledGod’sWay .................87
7. EvenLittleWhiteLiesAreBigTrouble .............109
8. YouCanDevelopHealthyBoundaries..............133
9. MakeChanges—EvenwithanUnwillingSpouse .....157
10. ListentotheRightCounsel ......................179
11. BattleOutsideOpposition .......................199
12. Reconciling—God’sWay ........................219
Notes........................................231
Introduction
W henweseparatedin1987,wewereangryandconfused.
We were also left wondering where the “church” was in
ourseeminglyhopelesssituation.Becausewe’dbothexperiencedmar-
riage and divorce in our pasts before we became committed Chris-
tians, we were determined to figure out a way to deal with our
problemsandavoidyetanotherfailedmarriage.Weknewenoughof
the Bible to believe that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), and we
wanted desperately to keep the promises we made when we renewed
ourmarriagevowsasChristiansonlyafewmonthsbefore.
During our time apart there were many resources we lacked,
which only prolonged our struggle and our separation. One of the
mostcriticalthingswelackedwasahealthysupportsystemofpeople
whounderstoodourneeds.Sincewewereneveronthesamepageat
the same time, couples counseling, marriage retreats, and classes
gearedforhusbandsandwivestoattendtogetherneverworkedforus.
Infact,thesethingsonlyseemedtomakeoursituationworsebecause
oftheexpectationsimposedonthespousewhowasn’tfullywillingto
participate.
Anotherproblemweencounteredduringourseparationwasthat
the married couples we knew couldn’t relate to what we were going
through.Somepeopletriedtorescueusandfixourmarriage,butthat
only resulted in their burnout and frustration when our marriage
crises continued to escalate out of control. Others avoided us alto-
gether because they simply didn’t know what else do to. We mistak-
enlybelievedtheydidn’tcare.
Wantingdesperatelytobeahappycouple,wetriedeverythingto
2 YES, YOUR MARRIAGE CAN BE SAVED
mend our marriage, but nothing worked. While our separation was
lonely, painful, and embarrassing, we now understand that God was
groomingusforthe“ministryofreconciliation,”basedon2Corinthi-
ans5:18.Throughtrialanderror,andinGod’sperfecttiming,werec-
oncilednearlytwoyearslater.
In 1990, shortly after our reconciliation, we knew God was call-
ing us to help other couples in crisis and provide them with the
resourceswedidn’thavewhenwewereseparated.Sevenyearslaterour
first publication was a workbook titled Reconciling God’sWay, which
wasbasedonthechallengeswefacedinourmarriageandseparation.
Theworkbookandleader’sguideallowedustoprovideclassesinour
community and to assist pastors worldwide to implement ministries
of reconciliation in their local churches. In 1999 we cofounded the
International Center for Reconciling God’s Way, Inc. and went into
ministryfulltime.
Over the years, we’ve talked with hundreds of couples and indi-
vidualswhosemarriageswereincrisis,aswellasthepastorsandleaders
trying to help these couples. While the Reconciling God’sWay work-
bookservedasthebasicoutlineforhelpingcouplestoreconciletheir
marriage,thebookyouareholdinginyourhandspresentsnewtools
andexercises,aswellasthenumerousmisconceptionssomanypeople
haveaboutmarriagesincrisis—includingtheChristiancommunity.
While it will certainly be beneficial if you and your spouse read
anddiscussthetoolsandcompletetheexercisesinthebooktogether,
wehavefoundthatmostcouplesarelikewewerewhenourmarriage
neededhelp:Onespouseisusuallymoreinterestedinworkingonthe
marriage than the other. If your husband or wife shows little or no
desireinreadingorutilizingthetoolsandexercisesrightnow,realize
thatthisiscommonandjustcommittodoingyourpart.
We are continually amazed at how God blesses the couples and