Meeting the Challenges of Parenting in the West

189 Pages·2020·4.309 MB·English

by  Ekram and Muhammad Beshir

> ■ .u.
V
y- Cr:

X/!
-.V
£
-X >.' • S /
"*N ,
;><V
'■ \
-~._~x 'S:

V. /
amana publicatinnc
Meeting the Challenge of

PARENTING

IN THE WEST

An Islamic Perspective

Dr. Ekram & Dr. Mohamed Rida Beshir
ENLARGED
FOURTH EDITION
amana publications
Copyright © 1998 A.C./1419 a.h.
amana publications
10710 Tucker Street
Beltsville, MD 20705-2223 USA
Tel: [phone]
Fax: [phone]
Email: [email protected]
Website: amana-publications.com
First Edition
(1998 A.C./1419 a.h.)
Second Edition
(2000A.C./1420 a.h.)
Third Edition
(2003 a.c./I 424 a.h.)
Reprint
(2006 A.C./1427 a.h.)
Fourth Edition
(2009 A.C./1430 a.h.)
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Beshir, Ekram.
Meeting the challenge of parenting in the West: an Islamic perspective
/ Ekram & Mohamed Rida Beshir.
p.cm. 23
ISBN 0-915957-87-6
1. Child rearing-Religious aspects-lslam. 2. Parenting-Religious aspects-
-Islam. 3. Muslim children-Religious life-Europe. I. Beshir, Mohamed Rida.
II. Title.
HQ769.3.B47 1998
649'.r0882971-dc21 98-35846
CIP
Printed in the United States of America by
International Graphics
10710 Tucker Street
Beltsville, MD 20705-2223 USA
Tel: [phone]
Fax: [phone]
Contents
Acknowledgments...................................................................... ix
Foreword ...................................................................................... xi
Preface............................................................................................ xii
Introduction ................................................................................. xv
Chapter 1: OBJECTIVES OF TARBIYAH ............................. 1
Chapter 2: BASIC PRINCIPLES FOR TARB/YAH ............... 17
Understand Your Child 17
Key Factors affecting Child's Personality 19
Family Atmosphere 19
A Child's Position within the Family 21
Genetic Disposition 22
Training Methods 24
Link the Child to Allah 24
Mercy 26
Gentleness, Kindness, Leniency and Love 28
Teach Them Respect 29
Brevity in Preaching 31
Never Resort to Force 33
Favoritism Is Not Allowed 34
Every Soul Is Accountable For What It Earns 36
Good Deeds Wipe Out Bad Ones 38
Emphasis and Encouragement 39
Do Things Step by Step
and Consider Your Child's Level 41
Expressing Feelings and
sharing Happiness and Pain 43
Being Clear in Communication 45
Active Listening 48
Find Suitable Alternatives 49
Assist in Skill Development 50
Controlling Anger 52
Help Your Children Cooperate with You 54
Always Fulfill a Promise 55
Follow Up on Orders and Be Consistent 57
Teach Them Haya' 59
Use Examples from Their Environment 60
Use a Holistic Approach 62
Summary 63
Chapter 3: Environment............................................. 65
Introduction 65
Importance of Environment 65
Environment as a Source of Pressure 71
Parents' Role in Ensuring a Proper Environment 75
Support System 75
Other Support Mechanisms 85
Summary 88
Chapter 4: WAYS AND MEANS OF Tarb/YAH 89
Upbringing by Leadership 89
Upbringing by Exhortation, Admonition
and Gentle Advice 98
Upbringing by Punishment 104
Upbringing by Storytelling 110
Upbringing by Habituation 114
Upbringing by Directing Energy 116
Upbringing by Utilizing Time 117
Upbringing by Events 119
Summary 121
Chapter 5: CASE STUDIES.................................................. 122
Introduction 122
A. The First Day of School! (Kindergarten) 122
B. Peer Pressure and Home Expectation 123
C. The Mistaken/Negative Support 124
D. School Activities 126
E. Christmas Season Art Work 126
F. The Sleepover Dilemma 127
G. To Pay or Not to Pay 127
H. Little Ali and the Juice 128
I. The Toy Problem ("You are the Oldest,
You Should Know Better") 129
J. Bedtime 129
K. Playing Inside 131
L. Don't Be a Perfectionist 131
M. Tired Mother (Crying Baby &
Toilet Training Toddler) 133
N. Dad Is Nice, Mom Is the Police 134
Chapter 6: ANATOMY OF Case STUDIES.......................... 136
A. The First Day of School! (Kindergarten) 136
B. Peer Pressure and Home Expectation 137
C. The Mistaken/Negative Support 138
D. School Activities 141
E. Christmas Season Art Work 142
F. The Sleepover Dilemma 143
G. To Pay or Not to Pay 144
H. Little Ali and the Juice 145
I. The Toy Problem ("You are the Oldest,
You Should Know Better") 146
J. Bedtime 147
K. Playing Inside 149
L. Don't Be a Perfectionist 150
M. Tired Mother (Crying Baby &
Toilet Training Toddler) 150
N. Dad Is Nice, Mom Is the Police 151
Chapter 7: Meet Our Family............. 153
Success and Failure Survey 168
Chapter 8: TIPS TO REMEMBER 170
References 173
Acknowledgments
We wish to express deep appreciation for the contribution of both
sister Khadija Haffaji and brother Zulf Khalfan for all the time they
spent reviewing and editing this book. May Allah reward them with
the best rewards.
We would also like to thank our children for their help formulat­
ing some of the case studies and practical examples. Their under­
standing and support are highly appreciated. We recognize that the
time spent in writing this book was precious time that we could
have spent with our children, however, because of our children’s
maturity, they themselves encouraged us to do this project for the
benefit of Muslims in North America. May Allah reward them and
all the dedicated Muslim boys and girls who struggle in the path of
truth.
Dr. Ekram and Dr. Mohamed Rida Beshir
Foreword
I cannot remember ever having enjoyed a book—other than the
Qur’an and Hadlth books—as much as I enjoyed reading Meeting
the Challenge of Parenting in the West: An Islamic Perspective
by Dr. Ekram and Dr. Mohamed Rida Beshir. I speak as a happily
married husband for over one-third of a century, as a father of four
daughters, and as a grandfather of eight grandsons. There are many
things to be said about this book. First, it is fun to read. Second, it
offers a wealth of knowledge about Islam and human relationships.
Third, it provides extremely relevant and vital information in
simple language that makes a great deal of sense.
This small volume touches the mind and the heart of the reader.
It is essential, not only for parents, but for anyone who deals with
human beings. I feel that this book should be required reading for
young men and women who plan to get married, for counselors
of all types and specialties, and for any professional who relies
on effective relationships with people for professional success. It
should also be required reading in premarital counseling, in any
parenting program, and in any continued marital education.
Meeting the Challenge of Parenting in the West: An Islamic
Perspective fufills a great need at a level far beyond my expecta­
tions. One of the many beauties of the book is the real life model of
the authors’ family that reflects, proves, and augments the educa­
tional material contained therein. May Allah bless and reward the
Beshir family for such a wonderful contribution.
Ahmed Elkadi
September 23, 1997
Panama City, Florida
Preface
To our beloved children: Amirah, Hoda, Noha, and Sumaiya,
because of whom we hope Allah will have mercy on us and admit
us into paradise.
To those who recognize the commitment and pursue the journey
of parenthood; to those who recall the endless hours of bedtime
stories, ‘Id shopping, clothes wars, explanations of Santa’s
falsehood, and the showers from the wudu’-training years; to those
who share our dream of one day seeing our babies stand strong
against the wind of brainwashing greed and worldly evil by means
of the goodness radiated by the light of Islam, this book is a map
which includes every twist and turn on the road to the successful
upbringing of children. It is the map that, with Allah’s will, can
show parents and their children the road to Heaven.
Introduction
In the 1960s and 1970s, Muslims in North America directed their
attention to building mosques. From the late 1970s until now, they
have been concerned primarily, and rightfully so, with establishing
Islamic schools and secondarily with financial institutions.
These activities are part of the continuous, restless efforts of
Muslims to ensure their healthy existence as a minority within
North America and to guarantee the continuation of Islam as
the religion of their offspring. However, these noble goals cannot
be achieved without emphasizing children’s tarbiyah, that is,
education.
Tarbiyah is an important concept and refers to much more than
“formal” education. Actually, it is teaching the art of dealing prop­
erly with human nature at various levels and in different situations,
thus ensuring a person’s balanced upbringing that fulfills the
purpose of his or her creation as stipulated by Allah in the Qur’an.
* *
Behold, your Lord said to the angels: I will create a vicegerent on
earth. (2:30)
a5*-11 ^J
* *
I have not created the jinns and human beings to any end other
than that they may know and worship Me. (51:56)
Successful tarbiyah can be achieved when it is based on Qur’an-
ic guidance and the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad, may the
most perfect of blessings and peace be upon him. Although Islam­
ic schools can play an important role in the tarbiyah process, they
alone cannot satisfy its requirements. The major responsibility