Marriage at Midlife: Counseling Strategies and Analytical Tools PDF
Preview Marriage at Midlife: Counseling Strategies and Analytical Tools
Marriage at Midlife Counseling Strategies and Analytical Tools DougKelley,PhD,isassociateprofessorofcommunicationstudiesatArizonaState University’sWestcampus.ProfessorKelleystudiescommunicationinpersonalre- lationships, with a specific emphasis on marital interaction. His recent work has appeared in such outlets as the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, the Journal of Applied Gerontology, and Communication Quarterly. He is co-author, withVinceWaldron,ofCommunicatingForgiveness.Inaddition,ProfessorKelley findsparticularenjoymentinteachingandmentoringcollegestudentsandconduct- ing community workshops on various aspects of healthy relationships. Doug lives nearthemountainsincentralPhoenixandspendsmostofhisleisuretimehiking, swimming,andkayakingwithhiswife,Ann,histwoboys,DanielandJonathan,and histwodogs,AllenandBilly. Vince Waldron, PhD, is professor and director of graduate studies for the Com- municationStudiesprogramatArizonaStateUniversitywherehealsoisaffiliated with the program in Aging and Lifespan Development. He researches the com- munication processes that promote longevity, satisfaction, and justice in personal andworkrelationships.Dr.Waldron’srecentresearchpublicationsincludethebook Communicating Forgiveness (with Douglas Kelley) and articles in such outlets as theJournalofSocialandPersonalRelationships,theJournalofAppliedGerontol- ogy,andCommunicationQuarterly.ProfessorWaldronfoundedtheOsherLifelong LearningInstituteatArizonaStateUniversityandcontinuestoserveasitsresearch director.Adedicatedteacher,Dr.WaldronistherecipientofaProfessoroftheYear awardfromtheCarnegieFoundationfortheAdvancementofTeaching.Vincelives inGlendale,Arizona,withhiswifeKathleenandhisdaughtersEmilyandLaura. Marriage at Midlife Counseling Strategies and Analytical Tools VINCENT R. WALDRON, PhD DOUGLAS L. KELLEY, PhD Copyright©2009SpringerPublishingCompany,LLC Allrightsreserved. Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,storedinaretrievalsystem,or transmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronic,mechanical,photocopying, recording,orotherwise,withoutthepriorpermissionofthepublisheror authorizationthroughpaymentoftheappropriatefeestotheCopyrightClearance Center,Inc.,222RosewoodDrive,Danvers,MA01923,978-750-8400,fax 978-646-8600,[email protected]. SpringerPublishingCompany,LLC 11West42ndStreet NewYork,NY10036 www.springerpub.com AcquisitionsEditor:SheriW.Sussman ProductionEditor:WendyDruck CoverDesign:MimiFlow Composition:AptaraInc. 09 10 11/5 4 3 2 1 EbookISBN:978-0-8261-2563-7 LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData Waldron,VincentR. Marriageatmidlife:counselingstrategiesandanalyticaltools/Vincent R.Waldron,DouglasL.Kelley. p.cm. Includesbibliographicalreferencesandindex. ISBN978-0-8261-2562-0 1. Marriage—UnitedStates. 2. Marriedpeople—United States—Psychology. 3. Middle-agedpersons—UnitedStates—Psychology. 4. Marriagecounseling—UnitedStates. I.Kelley,DouglasL. II.Title. HQ1059.5.U5W2472009 306.810973—dc22 2009001391 PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmericabyHamiltonPrintingCompany. The author and the publisher of this Work have made every effort to use sources believedtobereliabletoprovideinformationthatisaccurateandcompatiblewith thestandardsgenerallyacceptedatthetimeofpublication.Theauthorandpublisher shallnotbeliableforanyspecial,consequential,orexemplarydamagesresulting,in wholeorinpart,fromthereaders’useof,orrelianceon,theinformationcontained inthisbook. The publisher has no responsibility for the persistence or accuracy of URLs for external or third-party Internet Web sites referred to in this publication and does not guarantee that any content on such Web sites is, or will remain, accurate or appropriate. Contents Contributors xiii Preface xv Acknowledgments xxi 1 GuidingPerspectivesandAnalyticalTools 1 Definingthe“Centerstage”Marriage 2 OurResearch:HowDidWeLearnAboutCenterstageMarriages? 4 FiveCouples:FiveDifferentChallenges 5 ThisBook’sOrganization 6 AGuidingPerspective:CommunicatingAcrosstheLifeCourse 7 PartnersDevelopandChange 8 TimeMatters 8 MarriagesHave“TurningPoints” 9 ExternalCircumstancesWillChange 9 AccountingforDifferencesAmongClients:Culture,Gender,and Religion 10 UnderstandingCenterstageCouples:ThreeFrameworks 13 TheRelationalDialecticsFramework 13 AResilienceFramework 15 TheRolesFramework 17 BestPracticesofCenterstageCouples 18 RenewRelationshipCommitment 18 PrioritizetheRelationship 19 NegotiateChangingExpectations 19 FindaCommonVoice 19 MaintainanExternalSystemofSupport 19 DeveloptheHabitofDialogue 20 SustainIntimacy 20 ConcludingThoughts:RemodelingtheEmptyNest 20 References 21 v vi Contents PART I: RECOUPLING: OPTIMIZING RELATIONAL PROCESSES 23 2 ImprovingCommunication 25 ReassessingFamiliarPatterns 26 BuildingCommunicationCapacity 28 SourcesofDistress 29 InadequateRelationshipMaintenancePractices 29 RigidityinCommunicationPracticesandPerceptions 33 DeficitsinCommunicationSkills 37 PhysiologicalEffectsofAging 40 AnalyticalTools 41 ApplyingtheDialecticalFramework 41 ApplyingtheResiliencyFramework 43 ApplyingtheRolesFramework 43 WorkingWithClients 44 InventoryRelationshipMaintenancePractices 44 ChangeMindlessBehavior 44 KeepArousalinCheck 45 ExpandtheListeningRepertoire 46 RedevelopIntimacy 47 UseMetacommunicationtoDisruptReciprocity 48 ReconceptualizeConflict 48 ConcludingThoughts 49 QuestionsforClients 49 Exercises 50 Exercise2.1ChangingNegativeMindlessBehaviors 50 Exercise2.2BuildingRituals 51 Exercise2.3RelationshipMaintenance 51 Exercise2.4UsingRelationalDialectics 51 Exercise2.5ConductingaConflictAssessment Meeting 52 References 53 3 ForgivingPastTransgressions 55 DefiningForgivenessasRelationalNegotiation 57 WhyForgive? 57 WhatForgivenessIsNot 58 SourcesofDistress 59 ListeningtoMidlifeCouples:WhatNeedsForgiving? 59 Contents vii ComplicatingConditions:HelpingClientsJudgetheSeriousnessof Transgressions 61 WastheTransgressionIntentional? 62 HastheOffenseBeenForgivenPreviously?IsItLikely tobeRepeated? 62 IstheTransgressionaChronicPatternoraSingle TraumaticEvent? 63 HowDoesthe“Audience”ComplicateMatters? 63 IsResponsibilityShared? 64 IstheOffense“Unforgivable?”Why? 64 AnalyticalTools 65 ApplyingtheDialecticalFramework 65 ApplyingtheResilienceFramework 68 WorkingWithClients 70 TheCommunicativeTasksofForgivenessModel 71 ConcludingThoughts 78 QuestionsforClients 79 Exercises 79 Exercise3.1MovieNight 79 Exercise3.2CaseAnalysis 80 Exercise3.3BuildonPastSuccesses 81 Exercise3.4ForgivingClimate 81 References 82 4 FindingNewandMeaningfulActivities 83 ConstraintsonActivityDuringChildrearing 85 StructuredActivity 85 SanctionedActivity 86 Identity-AffirmingActivity 86 SharedSocialActivity 86 CoordinatedActivity 86 MidlifeTransitions:FindingFulfillmentinNewPatternsof Activity 87 IncreasedSpontaneity 88 Self-Fulfillment 88 NewDirections 89 MoreTimeforIntimacy 89 EasyCompanionship 90 TimeforReflectionandMutualPlanning 90 SourcesofDistress 90 The“TooQuiet”House 90 viii Contents LossofIdentity 91 RelationalBoredom 92 SocialIsolation 92 UncertaintyandFear 93 RelationshipStresses 94 AnalyticalTools 95 ApplyingtheDialecticalFramework 95 ApplyingtheResilienceFramework 96 ApplyingtheRolesFramework 99 WorkingWithClients 100 SeekingMeaningfulActivity:SixFoundational Steps 100 EmergingOpportunitiesforMeaningfulEngagement: ExamplesforClients 103 SignificantService 103 LifelongLearningPrograms 103 CivicEngagement 103 GreenVolunteerism 104 MentorshipPrograms 104 Entrepreneurship 104 ConcludingThoughts 104 QuestionsforClients 105 Exercises 105 Exercise4.1EvaluatingConstraintsoftheChildrearing Years 105 Exercise4.2TakingStepsNowtoCreateNewActivities 106 Exercise4.3RediscoveringCommonInterests 107 Exercise4.4StabilityorChange?PastorPresent? 107 Exercise4.5BuildingResilience 108 Exercise4.6TimeTogetherPieChart 109 References 109 PART II: RETOOLING: ADAPTING TO MIDLIFE EVENTS 111 5 NewCareerDirections:CopingWithJobLossandReturning toSchool 113 JobLoss 114 ReturningtoSchool 116 Contents ix SourcesofDistress 118 DistressFromJobLoss 118 DistressUponReturningtoSchool 121 SharedSourcesofDistress 124 AnalyticalTools 125 ApplyingtheDialecticalFramework 125 ApplyingtheResilienceFramework 126 ApplyingtheRolesFramework 128 WorkingWithClients 130 HelpingClientsRespondtoJobLoss 130 HelpingReturningStudents 133 ConcludingThoughts 136 QuestionsforClients 137 Exercises 137 Exercise5.1IdentifyingJobLossDistress 137 Exercise5.2IdentifyingReturningtoSchoolDistress 139 Exercise5.3AnatomyofRiskTaking 139 Exercise5.4UsingYourInternalResources 140 Exercise5.5NegotiatingChangingRoles 140 Exercise5.6LearningtobeSupportiveDuringCareer Change 141 References 141 6 ManagingBoundaries:BoomerangKids,AdultChildren,and Grandparenting 143 KathleenM.WaldronandVincentR.Waldron BoomerangKids 145 HelpingAdultChildren 146 Grandparenting 147 VarietiesinGrandparentingExperience 148 SourcesofDistress 151 ProblemsWithBoomerangKids 151 StressfulRelationshipsWithAdultChildren 153 GrandparentingComplexities 154 AnalyticalTools 156 ApplyingtheDialecticalFramework 156 ApplyingtheResilienceFramework 157 ApplyingtheRolesFramework 159 WorkingWithClients 159 RespondingasaCouple 159
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