Love: The Psychology of Attraction

226 Pages·2016·1.22 MB·English

by  Dorling Kindersley

LOVE
PSYCHOLOGY
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ofATTRACTION

LOVE
PSYCHOLOGY
e
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ATTRACTION
of
LESLIE BECKER-PHELPS Ph.D.
WITH MEGAN KAYE
Writer Megan Kaye
Consultant psychologist:
Illustrator Keith Hagan
Senior Editor Camilla Hallinan Leslie Becker-Phelps Ph.D.
Senior Art Editor Karen Constanti
Design and Illustration Assistant Laura Buscemi Dr Becker-Phelps is a clinical psychologist,
Senior Jacket Creative Nicola Powling
author, and speaker. She is a regular contributor
Producer, Pre-Production Dragana Puvacic
to the Relationships blog for WebMD, as well as
Senior Producer Jen Scothern
Creative Technical Support Sonia Charbonnier the Making Changes blog for Psychology Today,
Managing Editor Dawn Henderson and is the author of Insecure in Love (2014).
Managing Art Editor Christine Keilty
She lives in New Jersey, USA, where she is on
Art Directors Peter Luff, Maxine Pedliham
Publisher Peggy Vance the medical staff of the Robert Wood Johnson
University Hospital—Somerset. She also runs
First American edition, 2016
a private practice dedicated to helping
Published in the United States by DK Publishing
345 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014 individuals and couples feel better about
themselves in all aspects of their lives.
Copyright © 2016 Dorling Kindersley Limited
A Penguin Random House Company
16 17 18 19 20 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
001– 259434 – January/2016
All rights reserved.
Without limiting the rights under the copyright reserved
above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any
form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, Leslie Becker-Phelps:
recording, or otherwise), without the prior written This book was truly a collaborative project. I’m greatly
permission of the copyright owner.
appreciative of everyone’s efforts: the theorists and
researchers whose work we are sharing; the many
Published in Great Britain by Dorling Kindersley Limited.
colleagues in the New Jersey Psychological Association
who were always ready to share their expertise along the
A catalog record for this book is
available from the Library of Congress way; Kathy Cortese, Eileen Kennedy Moore, and Shari
ISBN 978 1 4654 2989 6 Kuchenbecker for their friendship and collegial support;
Megan Kaye and Camilla Hallinan for their editorial
DK books are available at special discounts when purchased in expertise; and finally my husband, Mark, for his support
bulk for sales promotions, premiums, fund-raising, or educational use. in this and in everything that I do.
For details, contact: DK Publishing Special Markets,
345 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014
The publisher would like to thank:
[email protected]
Philip R. Shaver Ph.D., Distinguished Professor of
Psychology at UC Davis, for his kind permission to
Printed and bound in China
include the “Love Quiz”, devised wth Cindy Hazan
All images © Dorling Kindersley Limited and first published in the Rocky Mountain News in 1987;
For further information see: www.dkimages.com Rita Carter, Anna Davidson, Dr Sue Johnson, and Bob
Saxton for their insightful comments during the creation
A WORLD OF IDEAS:
of this book; Jennifer Latham for proofreading; Helen
SEE ALL THERE IS TO KNOW
Peters for the index; Mandy Earey and Anne Fisher for
design; and US editor Kate Johnsen.
CONTENTS
8 FOREWORD 30 Giving up your
independence?
How to balance autonomy
CHAPTER 1
and connection
YOU
32 Your own worst enemy?
ARE YOU READY FOR LOVE? How mental habits hinder
or help
12 Evolution calling 34 Y ou deserve the best
Why we fall in love H ealthy positive thinking CHAPTER 2
THE SEARCH
16 Secure, anxious, or 36 Extrovert or introvert?
avoidant Where you draw energy from
W hat’s your style? FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU
38 A little help from
20 Clashing expectations  your friends
When insecure types Platonic lessons in love 60 On the lookout
get together G etting out there
40 Be honest with me
22 Great expectations Getting help from your 62 Hey world, I’m available!
Mental images of ourselves loved ones Sending out the right signals
and other people
42 I always go for… 66 We met on the bus
24 Thinking straight You and your type T he chance encounter
How not to talk yourself down
48 The scent of chemistry 68 I like you, but...
26 Let’s fall in love How smell works on Is friendship all that’s
H ow susceptible are you? our feelings available?
27 Why do I never learn? 50 Smile please 70 Across a crowded office
The secrect of repeating The bond of humor The pros and cons of dating
patterns at work
52 Wishing on a star
When you need to listen 72 Would like to meet...
to yourself Navigating the personal ads
54 G ive yourself a break 74 The five-minute mile
Coping with the lonely times S peed dating
76 Dating on the Internet 106 Everyone loves a 132 Juggling prospects
The strange world of good listener When there’s more than one
infinite choice The art of active person on the horizon
communication
78 Signing up online 134 S ecrets and confessions
C reating a profile 108 Shrinking violets How to broach delicate
C oping with shyness subjects
82 Just a click away
S tarting a conversation 110 Talking the talk 136 Saying it with flowers
Getting a good conversation Gift giving and what it
86 From profile to person going means
Turning a chat into a date
112 You don’t have to say
88 Keeping it safe anything CHAPTER 4
Meeting up in comfort B ody language tips ESTABLISHING
90 Hiding in plain sight 116 I’m so embarrassed THE
M eeting through friends How to keep your cool
RELATIONSHIP
92 Hey, have you met…? 118 Five acid tests
W hen friends play How to assess your new date
matchmaker FROM ATTRACTION TO COMMITMENT
122 Emotional intelligence
94 Next time lucky? What it is and why it matters
D ating after divorce 140 Fast track, slow track
124 Spotting a serial dater Getting the pace right for you
Who they are and why
CHAPTER 3 they do it 142 Know your boundaries
DATING How to keep your limits
126 S omeone like you? healthy
When qualities in common
MAKING IT WORK
help, and when they don’t 144 Nipping it in the bud
How to stop a small problem
98 Picking a winner 128 Counting the years turning into a big one
T he first date Do age gaps really matter?
146 Off to bed—or not
100 Looking the part 130 Worth a second date? P assing that major
How to put your best Who should you see again? threshold
face forward
148 Driving you crazy
102 It’s going to be fine The power of the unreliable
C onfidence-building
exercises 150 Reluctant fire
The power of excitement
104 Stress-free first dates
Where’s the best place 152 Is this love or lust?
to start? Listening to your hormones
CHAPTER 5
208 Trying for a baby
TOGETHER
Keeping it fun when things
get serious
ON THE ROAD TO LASTING LOVE
210 Baby on the way
Staying sexual during
184 Are we going to last? pregnancy
W hat your conversations
predict 212 A united front
How to share parenting
156 Spotting real danger 186 Staying connected without going crazy
Warning signs of an abuser Little exercises in happiness
214 Parents’ date night
158 I f the F word is “family” 188 The power of Having some fun in the few
The delicate issue of children vulnerability spare moments
Taking a risk on true
160 A ready-made family understanding 216 See you at sex o’clock
Dating with children Making time for sex
192 You bring out the
162 Overlapping your circles best in me 218 Keeping the spark
Meeting each other’s friends The Michelangelo effect B urning long
and burning bright
164 But I miss you so 194 Two halves, or
How much time together two wholes? 220 INDEX
is right? How to avoid getting
stuck in stereotypes
166 So are we a couple now?
The transition to commitment 196 The worst ideas of all
What you really must avoid
170 The L word
Talking about love 198 Arguing like grown-ups
How to communicate, not
172 Here’s your key manipulate
Moving in together
200 A good clean fight
174 I’ll call you every night How to argue and move on
Managing a long distance
relationship 202 Stop hogging
the covers!
176 Semi-happy endings Sharing a bed
F inishing things cleanly
204 Career pressures
178 Do you or don’t you? M aintaining equality in
Time to talk about marriage a confusing world
180 Popping the question 206 The child-free life
The art of the proposal Choosing not to have children
FOREWORD
E
veryone yearns for that magical feeling of being in love. But falling for someone is
just the start: what we need most is an emotionally nourishing, caring relationship.
That’s what we dream of, deep down—not just a partner, but a soul mate.
Sometimes, if we’ve been single for a long time, we can start to wonder whether we should
just give up—we may even feel embarrassed for wanting romance as much as we do. If
you’ve ever felt that way, I want you to know that by yearning for a relationship, you’re
simply feeling the way that nature intended. The science suggests that we’re born to be
social creatures, deeply connected to those around us. As children, we bond passionately
with our parents or caregivers; as adults, that need matures and transforms. We become
filled with the desire for romantic love. Love may not always be easy to find, but it is literally
the most natural thing in the world to want.

More than twenty years as a therapist have confirmed for me a simple insight: that when
we can give and receive love whole-heartedly, we are at our strongest. The psychological
community as a whole is finding more and more empirical evidence—from decades of in-
depth studies to the latest brain imaging techniques—that we are biologically predisposed
to yearn for that connection. The more that researchers discover, the more we learn about
how two people become attracted and how we can seek, find, and keep that love in ways
that help both us and our beloveds to thrive.

In my work as a psychologist, I help people to understand how their life experiences, from
early childhood up to the present day, can shape their expectations, their subconscious
habits, and their relationships with others—and how, if those patterns are leading them
away from the happiness they deserve, they can change them for the better. Love: the
Psychology of Attraction will help you make a similar journey.

Every page is created to be as accessible as possible, with step-by-step advice, simple
exercises, and scientific features revealing key studies and experiments. Rather than
having to wade through dense psychology papers, you can read the findings of my
colleagues in a style that’s easy on the eyes and the brain: the science is both fascinating
and encouraging for anyone who is searching for love.