Love in the Time of Colic: The New Parents' Guide to Getting It On Again

270 Pages·2009·1.04 MB·English

by  Ian Kerner

LOVE

IN THE TIME

COLIC
OF
THE NEW PARENTS’

GETTING
GUIDE TO
IT ON AGAIN

Ian Kerner, Ph.D., and Heidi Raykeil
For Lisa and JB,
and our beautiful children
who make it so hard . . . and so worth it.
Contents

INTRODUCTION
Welcome to the Jungle
1
CHAPTER ONE
Back in the Saddle Again: Why It’s So Darn Hard to
Start Having Sex Again After Having a Baby
15
CHAPTER TWO
Psych 911: Why New Parenthood
Can Be a Crash Course in the Blues
41
CHAPTER THREE
Charity Sex, Chore- play, and Other Acts of Love:
When Sex Hits the Bottom of the To- do List
71
CHAPTER FOUR
When the TV Is Turned on More Than You:
Or Why Your Libido Is a Function of Your Lifestyle
93
CHAPTER FIVE
When Date Night Attacks: Why L ong-t erm Love
Is So Dang Hard and How the Heck to Keep It Fun
131
CHAPTER SIX
Naughtiness Is Not Just for Kids: How to Spice
Up Sex So You Actually Want It
163
CHAPTER SEVEN
Slumping It: Torn by Porn, Flirty Friendships,
Unfair Fighting, and Other Things
Your Relationship Is Vulnerable to When
You’re Not Having Sex
197
CONCLUSION
A Beautiful Compromise
221
APPENDIX
Since You Asked
231
Ac know ledg ments
257
About the Authors
Other Books by Ian Kerner, Ph.D. and Heidi Raykeil
Credits
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher

I NTR OD U CTI ON
Welcome to the Jungle
LIGHTS, CAMERA . . . ACTION?
Picture this: Mom and Dad crawl into bed after fi nally get-
ting the baby to sleep. For the moment, the little one is in the
crib, and as much as they’d like to believe he’ll stay that way,
they know it’s only a matter of time. For Mom’s part, she just
wants to read a few sentences of the same paragraph of the
same novel she’s been mulling over and over and then close
her eyes and snatch a few moments of precious sleep.
Dad, meanwhile, has other plans: He sidles on over, gently
pushes away the novel, and presses his body (and hard-on)
against her. You’ve got to be kidding me, she thinks to herself.
How can he even think of sex? There’s no way this is going to
happen.
But tonight he’s determined; he won’t take her subtle
back-turn as an answer. He knows he has a tiny window of
time and has to act fast; maybe, just maybe, he’ll get some
action: charity sex, a blow job, even a hand job. Hell, at this
point anything other than his own hand would do. So she
kisses him back, at first out of a sense of obligation. But soon,
2 LOVE IN THE TIME OF COLIC
as she starts to remember long lost grown-up sensations, she
does it because (what’s this?) she kind of wants to! The force of
his hunger puts her in touch with appetites of her own. (Maybe
this guy isn’t so bad after all.) For a few precious moments they
are back to being a couple—not just co-parents—with no
thoughts other than each other. There is no world outside of
this bedroom, no world outside of their touch.
Until the crying begins.
Although Dad has purposefully turned down the baby
monitor (a cheap ploy, he knows), the wails reverberate
through the walls. He continues to kiss and grope, urging her
to let the baby cry—it’s okay if he cries a little, he tries to rea-
son, knowing in his gut it’s already a lost cause. And then he
prays: Please, please, please go back to sleep. For Pete’s sake, sleep.
But it’s already a fait accompli for Mom. Her whole body
pulls toward the baby, her whole being is affected by his tiny
little cries. She rushes up, throws on some old sweats, and
soon returns to bed, cooing over the breathless baby latched to
her breast. Dad knows his chance is shot. He turns away and
faces the wall. Whereas minutes ago they were deeply con-
nected, they are now a million miles apart.
Don’t be angry, she wants to say; it won’t always be like
this. She reaches out to him, but he recoils at the touch, springs
from the bed, and leaves the room, silently. From the bed-
room, she hears him pacing and muttering under his breath.
She d oesn’t know whether to cry or curse him out.
Welcome to the jungle. Welcome to love in the time of
colic.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE 3
Thanks to Carrie Bradshaw and company, our generation is
now comfortable laughing about the big O over cosmos—and
thanks to our modern metrosexual husbands, we can equally
share diaper duty and hair creme. But as swinging and savvy
as new parents are today, there’s still one very old-fashioned
topic we just don’t know how to talk about: Sex. After. Baby.
These three words are spoken in hushed voices over
playdates and at playgrounds by mothers and fathers every-
where, stumped and shocked by the state of their sex lives.
For a generation inculcated with individualism and weaned
on sexual empowerment, w e’re as surprised as anyone when
our sex lives end up stale. But while we may whisper about it
to our closest girlfriends, or make jokes after one too many
beers with the guys, when it comes to talking with our part-
ners about what’s really going on (or not going on, as the case
may be) in our baby-proofed bedrooms, more and more of us
find ourselves tongue-tied and tiptoeing. Authors included.
When it comes to not getting it on, we’ve been there, done
that, and found our way back to doing it more.
IAN’S STORY: “HOP ON POP . . . PLEASE!”
If parenthood has taught me one thing it’s that, irrespective
of my public persona as a relationship expert, I am far from
being an expert in my own relationship. Like many a new