Living My Life

594 Pages·2016·3.27 MB·English

by  Emma Goldman

You have a sense of humor,” — his face lit up — you’ll need it if
you enter our movement.” He suggested that I come next Wednes-
day, to help with expediting the Freiheit, to write addresses and
fold the papers — “and aferwards we may be able to talk.”
Living My Life
With several books under my arm and a warm handshake, Most
sent me of. Berkman lef with me.
We went to Sachs’s. I had had nothing to eat since the tea Anna
had given us. My escEomrt,mtoao,Gwoasldhmunagnry, but evidently not so
much as the night before: he did not call for extra steak or extra
cups of cofee. Or was he broke? I suggested that I was still rich
and begged him to order more. He refused brusquely, telling me
that he couldn’t accept it from anyone out of a job who had just
arrived in a strange city. I felt both angry and amused. I explained
that I did not wish to hurt him; I believed that one always shared
with a comrade. He repented his abruptness, but assured me that
he was not hungry. We lef the restaurant.
Te August heat was sufocating. Berkman suggested a trip to
the Batery to cool of. I had not seen the harbour since my arrival
in America. Its beauty gripped me again as on the memorable day.
But the Statue of Liberty had ceased to be an alluring symbol. How
childishly naïve I had been, how far I had advanced since that day!
We returned to our talk of the afernoon. My companion ex-
pressed doubt about my fnding work as a dressmaker, having no
connexion in the city. I replied that I would try a factory, one for
corsets, gloves, or men’s suits. He promised to inquire among the
Jewish comrades who were in the needle trade. Tey would surely
help fnd a job for me.
It was late in the evening when we parted. Berkman had told
me litle about himself, except that he had been expelled from the
Gymnasium for an anti-religious essay he had composed, and that
he had lef home for good. He had come to the United States in the
belief that it was free and that1h9er3e1everyone had an equal chance in
life. He knew beter now. He had found exploitation more severe,
44
outburst. His gruf voice, his twisted jaw, which had so repelled
me on my frst meeting him, recalled to me the caricatures of Most
in the Rochester papers. I could not reconcile the angry man be-
fore me with the inspired speaker of the previous evening whose
oratory had so carried me away.
Berkman noticed my confused and frightened look. He whis-
pered in Russian not to mind Most, that he was always in such
a mood when at work. I got up to inspect the books which cov-
ered the shelves from foor to ceiling, row upon row. How few of
them I had read, I mused. My years in school had given me so lit-
tle. Should I ever be able to make up? Where should I get the time
to read? And the money to buy books? I wondered whether Most
would lend me some of his, whether I dared ask him to suggest
a course of reading and study. Presently another outburst grated
on my ears. “Here’s my pound of fesh, you Shylocks!” Most thun-
dered; “more than enough to fll the paper. Here, Berkman, take it
to the black devils in there!”
Most approachedme. His deep blue eyes looked searchingly into
mine. “Well, young lady,” he said, “have you found anything you
want to read? Or don’t you read German and English?” Te harsh-
ness of his voice had changed to a warm, kindly texture. “Not En-
glish,” I said, soothed and emboldened by his tone, “German.” He
told me I could have any book I wanted. Ten he plied me with
questions — where I hailed from and what I intended to do. I said
I had come from Rochester. “Yes, I know the city. It has good beer.
But the Germans there are a bunch of Kafern. Why New York ex-
actly?” he inquired; “it is a hard city. Work poorly paid, not easily
found. Have you enoughmoney to hold out?” I was deeply touched
by the interest of this man inme, a perfect stranger. I explained that
New York had lured me because it was the centre of the anarchist
movement, and because I had read of him as its leading spirit. I had
really come to him for suggestions and help. I wanted very much
to talk to him. “But not now, some other time,” I said, “somewhere
away from your black devils.”
43
I knew that my teacher spoke the truth. In Popelan everyone
used to talk about the fogging of peasants. One day I came upon
a half naked human body being lashed with the knout. It threw
me into hysterics, and for days I was haunted by the horrible pic-
Cturoe.nLitstenningtsto my teacher revived the ghastly sight: the bleed-
ing body, the piercing shrieks, the distorted faces of the gendarmes,
the knouts whistling in the air and coming down with a sharp hiss-
In Appreciation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
ing upon the half-naked man. Whatever doubts about the Nihilists
I had lef from my childhood impressions now disappeared. Tey
became to me heroes and martyrs, henceforth my guiding stars.
Part I 11
I was aroused from my reverie by Berkman’s asking why I had
become so silent. I told him of my recollections. He then related to
Chapter 1 12
me some of his own early infuences, dwelling particularly on his
Cbhealopvterd2Nihilist uncle Maxim and on the shock he had experienc2e6d
on learning that he had been sentenced to die. “We have much in
Cchoampmteorn3, haven’t we?” he remarked. “We even come from the sa3m9e
city. Do you know that Kovno has given many brave sons to the
Crhevaopltuetrio4narymovement? And now perhaps also a brave daught5e7r,”
he added. I felt myself turn red. My soul was proud. “I hope I shall
Chapter 5 68
not fail when the time comes,” I replied.
Te train was passing narrow streets, the dreary tenements so
Chapter 6 83
close by that I could see into the rooms. Te fre-escapes were
Clihtaeprteedr 7with dirty pillows and blankets and hung with laun1d01ry
streaked with dirt. Berkman touched my arm and announced that
Cthaepnterxt8station was Brooklyn Bridge. We got of and walke1d06to
William Street.
ChaInptaenr 9old building, up two dark and creaking fights, was th1e2o1f-
fce of the Freiheit. Several men were in the frst room seting type.
Chapter 10 135
In the next we found Johann Most standing at a high desk, writing.
With a side-glance he invited us to sit down. “My damned tortur-
Chapter 11 144
ers there are squeezing the blood out of me,” he declared queru-
Clohuaspltye.r“C12opy, copy, copy! Tat’s all they know! Ask them to w1r6i5te
a line — not they. Tey are too stupid and too lazy.” A burst of
Cghoaopdt-enra1tu3red laughter from the composing-room greeted Mo18st4’s
42 3
COhauprtmero1th4er was always very vivid when she related stories2o0f1
books she had read. We children used to hang on her very lips.
Chapter 15 219
Tis time, too, her story was absorbing. It made me see Mother
before the stern Governor-General, her beautiful face, framed by
Chapter 16 240
her massive hair, bathed in tears. Te Nihilists, too, I saw — black,
sinister creatures who had ensnared my uncle in their ploting to
Chapter 17 260
kill the Tsar. Te good, gracious Tsar — Mother had said — the frst
to give more freedom to the Jews; he had stopped the pogroms
Chapter 18 275
and he was planning to set the peasants free. And him the Nihilists
meant to kill! “Cold-bloodedmurderers,” Mother cried, “they ought
Chapter 19 289
to be exterminated, every one of them!”
CMhaopttheerr’2s0violence terrorized me. Her suggestion of extermin2a9-6
tion froze my blood. I felt that the Nihilists must be beasts, but I
Chapter 21 305
could not bear such cruelty in my mother. Ofen afer that I caught
myself thinking of the Nihilists, wondering who they were and
Chapter 22 324
what made them so ferocious. When the news reached Königsberg
about the hanging of the Nihilists who had killed the Tsar, I no
Chapter 23 340
longer felt any biterness against them. Something mysterious had
awakened compassion for them in me. I wept biterly over their
Chapter 24 368
fate.
Years later I came upon the term “Nihilist” in Fathers and Sons.
Chapter 25 384
And when I read What’s to be Done? I understood my instinctive
sCymhappatehry2w6ith the executed men. I felt that they could not witne4s0s5
without protest the sufering of the people and that they had sacri-
Chapter 27 415
fced their lives for them. I became the more convinced of it when
I learned the story of Vera Zassulich, who had shot Trepov in 1879.
Chapter 28 433
My young teacher of Russian related it to me. Mother had said that
Trepov was kind and humane, but my teacher told me how tyranni-
Chapter 29 449
cal he had been, a veritable monster who used to order out his Cos-
sacks against the students, have them lashed with nagaikas, their
Chapter 30 460
gatherings dispersed, and the prisoners sent to Siberia. “Ofcials
like Trepov are wild beasts,” my teacher would say passionately;
Chapter 31 477
“they rob the peasants and then fog them. Tey torture idealists in
pCrihsoanp.t”er 32 498
4 41
Cfhuallpy.te“rC3h3ernishevsky was a Nihilist,” he remarked, “and his w5o1rk0s
are prohibited in Russia. Were you connected with the Nihilists?
CThaepytearre34the only ones who could have given you the book.” I53fe1lt
indignant. How dared he doubt my word! I repeated angrily that I
Chapter 35 541
had read the forbidden book and other similar works, such as Tur-
geniev’s Fathers and Sons, and Obriv (Te Precipice) by Gontcharov.
Chapter 36 552
My sister had got them from students and she let me read them. “I
am sorry if I hurt you,” Berkman said in a sof tone. “I did not really
Chapter 37 564
doubt your word I was only surprised to fnd a girl so young who
had read such books.”
Chapter 38 583
How far I had wandered away from my adolescent days, I re-
fected. I recalled themorning in Königsbergwhen I had come upon
a huge poster announcing the death of the Tsar, “assassinated by
Part II 604
murderous Nihilists.”Te thought of the poster brought back to my
memory an incident of my early childhood which for a time had
Chapter 39 605
turned our home into a house of mourning. Mother had received a
Clehtapertefro4m0 her brother Martin giving the appalling news of th6e2a1r-
rest of their brother Yegor. He had beenmixed upwith Nihilists, the
Clehtaperterrea4d1, and he was thrown into the Petro-Pavlovsky Fort6r3e5ss
and would soon be sent away to Siberia. Te news struck terror
Cinhaupst.eMr 4o2ther decided to go to St. Petersburg. For weeks we w65e7re
kept in anxious suspense. At last she returned, her face beaming
Chapter 43 672
with happiness. She had found that Yegor was already on the way
to Siberia. Afer much difculty and with the help of a large sum
Chapter 44 687
of money she had succeeded in geting an audience with Trepov,
the Governor General of St. Petersburg. She had learned that his
Chapter 45 708
son was a college chum of Yegor and she urged it as proof that
her brother could not have been mixed up with the terrible Ni-
Chapter 46 745
hilists. One so close to the Governor’s own son would surely have
nothing to do with the enemies of Russia. She pleaded Yegor’s ex-
Chapter 47 768
treme youth, went on her knees, begged and wept. Finally Trepov
Cphraopmteisre4d8that he would have the boy brought back from the é7ta9p5e.
Of course, he would put him under strict surveillance; Yegor would
Chhaavpetetor p49romise solemnly never to go near the murderous gan8g1.7
40 5
Chapter 50 827
Chapter 51 848
Chapter 52 866
Chapter 3
Chapter 53 1106
CHhaepletnerM5i4nkin was away at work. Anna was out of a job just th1e1n2. 0
She prepared tea, and we sat down to talk. Berkman inquired about
mCyhapplatnesr 5fo5r work, for activity in the movement. Would I like1t1o46
visit the Freiheit ofce? Could he be of help in any way? He was
frCeheatpotteark5e6me about, he said; he had lef his job afer a fght w1it1h73
the foreman. “A slave-driver,” he commented; “he never dared drive
me, but it was my duty to stand up for the others in the shop.” It
was rather slack now in the cigar-making trade, he informed us, but
as an anarchist he could not stop to consider his own job. Nothing
personal matered. Only the Cause matered. Fighting injustice and
exploitation matered.
How strong he was, I thought; how wonderful in his revolution-
ary zeal! Just like our martyred comrades in Chicago.
I had to go to West Forty-second Street to get my sewing-
machine out of the baggage-room. Berkman ofered to accompany
me. He suggested that on our way back we might ride down to
Brooklyn Bridge on the Elevated and then walk over to William
Street, where the Freiheit ofce was located.
I asked himwhether I could hope to establishmyself in NewYork
as a dressmaker. I wanted so much to free myself from the dreadful
grind and slavery of the shop. I wanted to have time for reading,
and later I hoped to realizemy dream of a co-operative shop. “Some-
thing like Vera’s venture in What’s to be Done?” I explained. “You
have read Chernishevsky?” Berkman inquired, in surprise, “surely
not in Rochester?” “Surely not,” I replied, laughing; “besides my sis-
ter Helena, I found no one there who would read such books. No,
not in that dull town. In St. Petersburg.” He looked at me doubt-
6 39
IwnoArkpIphraedcvioawteiodnto take up afer the death of my Chicago com-
rades. But Kershner’s threat frightened me: I could not be respon-
siSbulegfgoersthiiosndsetahthat. IIrwemriaterrmiedyhmimem. MoiyrspcaaremnetstroejmoiecewdhaenndIsohaddid
bLaerenlayabnedguhnerthoulsibvaen, da,nbductoHnetliennuaedwalsl stihckrowugithh tghreieyf.ears. But I
nevWeripthaoiduthKeedrshtonethr’es pkrnoopwolseadl.geI wI taosolkivuinpgamcoyulrisfe intdernesseslmy a—k-
winhga,t inneoerddteorwtorihteavaebaoutrtaidt?eAthnaottwheorurledafsroene fmoremfroymretluhcetsahnocpe.wDausr-
thinegctohnrveiectloionngImeonntethrtsaIinwerdetshtlaetdowniethshmoyulhduwsbraitnedatbooluettomne’gsolimfey
ownlayy.wIhtreinedontoemhaadkecehaismedsetoe sthtaenfdutinilithyeovfelirvyintograrepnattocfhietd. “lWifeh, ebnut
ohneerheamsarienaecdheodbdaugraotoed. Lpahtieloosnoephnicghatg,ea,”fIerusbeitdetrorteeclrlimyinfartiieonndss,,I
“cleafpaJbalceoobfKvieerwshingerthaendtrmagyedhioems aen, dthciosmtimedeiedseoffnlitfeliym. personally
andIdweatascihmemdleyd—iatpealyrtoicsutrlarcliyzeodnbe’ystohwenwlhifoele—Jeowneisihspliokpeulylattoiocnreo-f
aRteoacnheasutteor.bIiocgorualpdhnyowt opratshswonhitleh.”eSstirlel efetewliintghoaudtolbeesicnegnthlyelydouupngto
inscsoprinte. Mofyadpvaarnencitnsgfoyrebaardse, Imdiedtnhoetircohnosuisdee,ramndysaeglfacinomitpwetaesnotntoly
uHndeleerntakwehsoucshtooadtabsykm. Me.oOreuotvoefrh, eIramlweaygsrelaincckoemd ethsehenevcenssparayid
lemisyurfaerfeotrocoNnecwenYtorarkte.d writing.
MSyo IenlefforRceodchEeusrteorp,ewahneirneaIchtiavdityknleofwnmseoemnouucghhptaiimn,ehtaordrewadorak,
garneadt ldoenael,linecslus,dbinugt bthioegjroayphoifesmaynddaeupatortbuioregrwapahsimesa. rIrdeidscboyvesreepda, -
mrautcihontofrmomy dHisecloemnaf,tfurroem, thSatetlolal,daangde,tfhaer lfirtolme brripoethneinrgI wloivseddomso
awndelml. ellowness, is too ofen fraught with senility, narrowness, and
petTy reabnrceoaukr.oIfwthoeunldewnodtaryiskinstuhcehMa icnaklainmfitayt, satnildl fIobuengdanmteoathwiankke.
sTerieoudsoloyraubpoount twhreiotilndghmadynloifwe. closed for ever.Te newwas calling,
anTdeI egaregaetrldyifstrceutlctyhetdhaotuftamceydhmaendwsatsolwacakrdosfiht.isItfoerlilcianltdoaatadfeoerp,
mpyeawceofrukl. sAlelmepo.st everything in the way of books, correspondence,
andIswimasilawr makaetnereidalbtyhAatnInhaaMd ianckciunm’suvloaitceedadnunroinugncthinegththiretyar-friveal
yoefarAsleoxfamndyelrifBeeirnkmthaenU. IntiwteadsSlatateteasfheardnoboene.n confscated by the
Department of Justice raiders and never returned. I lacked even my
personal set of the Mother Earth magazine, which I had published
for twelve years. It was a problem I could see no solution for. Scep-
tic that I am, I had overlooked themagic power of friendship, which
had so ofen in my life made mountains move. My staunch friends
Leonard D. Abbot, Agnes Inglis, W. S. Van Valkenburgh, and oth-
ers soon putmy doubts to shame. Agnes, the founder of the Labadie
Library in Detroit, containing the richest collection of radical and
revolutionary material in America, came to my aid with her usual
38 7
dreenacdyinteossb.aLrgeoainnarodvedridphricsessh, ahre,wanoudlVdasnensdpehnitmalalwhiasyf.rHeeetcimoueldin
nroetsbeaeracrhthweoirmkpfloicramtioe.n that he might overcharge. His income was
insufcient for the needs of the family, and the one to worry and
In the mater of European data I knew I could turn to the two
fret most about it was my poor Helena. She was pregnant with her
best historians in our ranks: Max Netlau and Rudolf Rocker. No
second child and yet had to drudge frommorning till night to make
further need to worry with such an array of co-workers.
ends meet, with never a word of complaint. But, then, she had been
Still I was not appeased. I needed something that would help
that way all her life, sufering silently, always resigned.
me re-create the atmosphere of my own personal life: the events,
Helena’s marriage had not sprung from a passionate love. It was
small or great, that had tossed me about emotionally. An old vice of
the union of two mature people who longed for comradeship, for
mine came to my rescue: veritable mountains of leters I had writ-
a quiet life. Whatever there had been of passion in my sister had
ten. Ofen I had been chided by my pal Sasha, otherwise known as
burned out when she was twenty-four. At the age of sixteen, while
Alexander Berkman, and by my other friends, for my proclivity to
we were living in Popelan, she had fallen in love with a young
spread myself in leters. Far from virtue bringing reward, it was my
Lithuanian, a beautiful soul. But he was a goi (gentile) and Helena
iniquity that gave me what I needed most — the true atmosphere
knew that marriage between them was impossible. Afer a great
of past days. Ben Reitman, Ben Capes, Jacob Margolis, Agnes In-
struggle and many tears Helena broke of the afair with young
glis, Harry Weinberger, Van, my romantic admirer Leon Bass, and
Sasha. Years later, while on our way to America, we stopped in
scores of other friends readily responded to my request to send me
Kovno, our native town. Helena had arranged for Sasha to meet
my leters. My, niece, Stella Ballantine, had kept everything I had
her there. She could not bear to go away so far without saying
writen her during my imprisonment in the Missouri penitentiary.
good-bye to him.Tey met and parted as good friends — the fre of
She, as well as my dear friend M. Eleanor Fitzgerald, had also pre-
their youth was in ashes.
served my Russian correspondence. In short, I was soon put into
On my return from New Haven Helena received me, as always,
possession of over one thousand specimens of my epistolary efu-
with tenderness and with the assurance that her home was also
sions. I confess that most of them were painful reading, for at no
mine. It was good to be near my darling again, with litle Stella and
time does one reveal oneself so much as in one’s intimate corre-
my young brother Yegor. But it did not take me long to discover the
spondence. But for my purpose they were of utmost value.
pinched condition in Helena’s home. I went back to the shop.
LTiviunsg siunptphlieedJe,wI isthardteisdtrfioctr, Sitaiwnta-sTrimoppeozs,saiblpeicttouraevsoqiudetfhoshser
onneestdind tnhoetswouisth otof Fsreaen. cIer,ain cionmtopKanerysohfnEermailymHosotlmimems Cedoilaetmelayn,
awfehromwyasartorivaaclt. aDsamy yafsecrrdeatayryh.eDwemoui,ldassesehke misefaomutil.iaHrelybceaglalend,
towapsleadwwildithwmooedt-ospgroitebawckithtoahvimolc—anaicll twemoupledr.bBeudtifsheerewnta.sOanlseo
dtahyehtentdherereasttenoefdbesuinicgisd,ew—ithaocututaallnyypguullieledoorurtaancbooutrl.eSohfepwoiassoens.-
Insesnisttieanlltylythe proeests,ehdigmhelyfoimr agfinaltiavneswanedr.sensitive. My world of
idIewasaswnaostfnoraeïvigenentoouhgehr, tnoatthuirnakl rthebaet laarnedneawneadrclhifiestwthitohuKgehrsh-e
nwerasw. oWueldclparsohveedmfuorrieoussaltyis, foafcetonrtyootrhelapstoiinngt tohfawnisaht ifnrgste.aBcehsoidthese,r
I ihnadSadineft-nTirtoeplyezdeBcaidye. dButot gitowtoasNnewothYionrgk,ctoomepqauriepdmtyoshelefrfocrhathrme ,
8 37
hwerorpkr:oiftouwnads icnotnesriedsetriendmdiysgwraocrekf,ualnfdorhaermfanreriuedndweorsmtaanndtinoggofotro
mthyeinsnheorp.coJancfoibctws.as earning ffeen dollars a week. He had devel-
opWedritainpgashsaiodnnfeovrecracrodms,ewehaiscyh tsowmalelo, waned tuhpeawcoornksiadtehraabnlde dpiadrt
nooftomueraincmoemrel.yHwergitrienwg.jIetamloeuasn, tsureslpivecintigngmeyvleornygo-nfoer. gLoifteebnepcamst,e
thinesurepspuorrteacbtlieo.nI wofams seamveodrifersomI duidtenrodtewspisahir tboydmigy oinutterferostminththee
dHeeapysmoafrmkeyt ceovnensctsio. usness. It meant doubts in my creative ability,
depArefsseirotnh,eanddeadtihshoefarthteeniCnhgisc.aAgoll tahnraorucghhisths aItipnesrisioteddDoenmai hselpda-
oruattbiornavferloymanKdeernshconuer.agHeemfeonutgphrtovloendgthaegcaoinmsftoirtt, abnudt ifnnspailrlyaticoonn-
osfetnhteedfrtsot ayedaivrorfcme.yItswtruasggliev.en to us by the same rabbi who had
peArlftoorgmeethdeoruIrwmaasrrvieargye fcoerrteumnoatney.inTthene InluemfbfoerNanewd dHeavvoetnio,nConf -
frniecntdicsuwt,hto ewxoerkteidntahecomrseltv-feasctorsym. ooth the way for Living My
LifeD. Turienfgrmstytoesftoartsthtoe furenedmtoyseclfurferommeKfreormshnmeartethriealoannlxyieotnye
wwahsoPesgtogoydGbuygmgeenwheaismm. OytshiestrefrriHenedlesnaan. dShceomharaddbeesefnolslotrweneduosusitl,y
goivpipnogsewdithootuhtesmtianrtrifarogme inthtehier flirmstitpeldaceec,obnuotmniocwmsehaenosf. Mereirdianmot
Laersninegr,lea yreopurnogacAhm. Oernictahnefcroienntdra, rvyo,lushnetegearveedmtoetahkeelpDaenmdi’csopmlafcoert.
wShheenptlheaedleadtwerithhamd ytoplaeraevnetsfoarndEnwgiltahnLde. nDaoirnotbheyhaMlfaorsfhm, yBedteyci-
Msiaornkotow,geatnad dEimvomrcye.EAcsksatlewinaytsy,pheedr dpeavrtotoiof nmkynemwannuosbcroiupnt dass. a
laboInurNoefwloHvaev. eAnrIthmuert LaegornoaurpdoRfoysosu,nkginRduessstiaannsd, smtuodsetnltasvmisahinolfy,
mneonw, gwaovrekimnge ahtivsaurniotuirsintrgadeefso.rMtsosatsolfetghaelmrewpreerseesnotcaitailviestsananddaadn--
vaisrecrh.iHstos.wTcoeuyldofseunchorfrgiaenidzsehdipmeeveetrinbges,regwenaerrdaeldly? inviting speak-
erAsnfdroSmasNhaew? MYoanrky, monisegoivfinwghsobmeswetams Ae .wShoelnotawreofb.eLgaifne twhaesrein--
vtiesiroenstionfgmayndmcaonluosucrrfiuplt,. bIufteagrreadduhaellmy itghhet srtersaeinnt osfeetihnegwhoimrkseblfe-
pcicatmueretdoothmrouucghhfomrymeyyedse.pWleoteudldvhitealbitey.dFeitnaaclhlyedI henaodutgohr,eItuwrnont-o
dReroecdh,esutefr.ciently objective for the task? I found him remarkably
so fIorwoennetwtohoHieslesonam. uSchhe alipvaerdt owfitmhyhsetrorhyu. sFboarnedigahntedenchmilodnothvesr
Stahsehiar wlitolrekepdrisnitdiengbyshsoidpe, whitihchmaelsaos sinerovuedr oalsdadnayosf. Cceriftoicralt,hoefir
csotuerasme,shbuipt aaglwenacyys. Binuthbeotfhnoecsctuapnadtiobnrosaddidesntostpbiritn.gSiansheanoaulsgohito
wkaesepwthhoemsugfrgoemsteddirtehpeotvitelret,yL. iHvienlegnMayhaLdifme. arried Jacob Hochstein,
aMmyanliftenasyIeharasvehelirvseedniitoorw. HeseewvaesryathgirnegattoHtehborseewwshcohohladr,caonmaeu-
inthtooriitt,ystoanyetdheloEnnggolirshlitalned, aRnudsspiaasnsecdlaosusitc.sT, aenidr laovvee,raysrwareellpaesr-
thsoenirahliatyte. ,Hhiassingtoengeriitnytaonmdainkidnegpemnydelinfet cwhoartahctwerhmilea.de him a poor
coLmivpinegtitMoryinLitfheeissomryditdribbuustieneasnsdlimfey. Wgrhaetintuadneytoonethbermouaglhl.t him a
printing order worth two dollars, Jacob Hochstein devoted asmuch
time Etomimt asGiof lhdemwanere geting ffy. If a customer showed a ten-
36 9
Te bSoayinlte-dTrmoepethz,roFuragnhcae side entrance, along a thickly carpeted
corridor, into a large room. It was brightly illumined and beauti-
January 1931
fully furnished. A table near the sofa held fowers and a tea-tray.
We sat down. Te young man poured out a golden-coloured liquid
and asked me to clink glasses to our friendship. I put the wine to
my lips. Suddenly I found myself in his arms, my waist torn open —
his passionate kisses covered my face, neck, and breasts. Not until
afer the violent contact of our bodies and the excruciating pain he
caused me did I come to my senses. I screamed, savagely beating
against the man’s chest with my fsts. Suddenly I heard Helena’s
voice in the hall. “She must be here — she must be here!” I became
speechless. Te man, too, was terrorized. His grip relaxed, and we
listened in breathless silence. Afer what seemed to me hours, He-
lena’s voice receded. Te man got up. I rose mechanically, mechan-
ically butoned my waist and brushed back my hair.
Strange, I felt no shame — only a great shock at the discovery
that the contact between man and woman could be so brutal and
so painful, I walked out in a daze, bruised in every nerve.
When I reached home I found Helena fearfully wrought up. She
had been uneasy about me, aware of my meeting with the boy. She
had made it her business to fnd out where he worked, and when
I failed to return, she had gone to the hotel in search of me. Te
shame I did not feel in the arms of the man now overwhelmed me.
I could not muster up courage to tell Helena of my experience.
Afer that I always felt between two fres in the presence of men.
Teir lure remained strong, but it was always mingled with violent
revulsion. I could not bear to have them touch me.
Tese pictures passed throughmymind vividly as I lay alongside
my husband on our wedding night. He had fallen fast asleep.
Te weeks went on. Tere was no change. I urged Jacob to con-
sult a doctor. At frst he refused, pleading difdence, but fnally
he went. He was told it would take considerable time to “build up
his manhood.” My own passion had subsided. Te material anxi-
ety of making ends meet excluded everything else. I had stopped
10 35