Living Like You Mean It: Use the Wisdom and Power of Your Emotions to Get the Life You Really Want

211 Pages·2009·0.95 MB·English

by  Ronald J. Frederick

L i v i n g
LIKE YOU
MEAN IT
Use the Wisdom and Power of Your Emotions
to Get the Life You Really Want
Ronald J. Frederick, PhD
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More Praise for Living Like You Mean It
“Where shall we run if we run from ourselves? This book asks us
to look anew at our models of health and happiness and to realize
that personal liberation is not possible if we are not at liberty to feel
what we feel. Through stories and examples, Ron Frederick walks
us through that issue in a way that is simple, clear, and focused and
that has a chance to fundamentally change human lives.”
—Steven C. Hayes, foundation professor,
Department of Psychology, University of Nevada, and
author, Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life
“Written like he means it—and clearly he does—Ron Frederick’s
book is a gift, written by a master clinician and an amazing per-
son. His heart and soul, his humor and sparkling intelligence, his
pathos and practicality, are all there from the great title to the
very last word. Down to earth and with a twinkle in his eyes, Ron
Frederick is the guide and companion you have been looking
for. As he passionately makes clear: you can shed your resigna-
tion and vitality and joy can be yours again. And as you journey
to reconnect with yourself and those you love—you will not be
alone. Step by step, you feel him with you, steady and wise. What
a great book! I will recommend it to my patients and friends
alike. And, what’s more, I can’t wait to read it again.”
—Diana Fosha, Ph.D., director, the AEDP Institute, and
author, The Transforming Power of Affect
“Dr. Frederick’s wise and powerful book is an inspiration. It is
also a practical guide to help us feel more deeply, face our fears
more confi dently, and live each moment more fully.”
—Dr. Larina Kase, author, The Confi dent Leader and
the New York Times best seller The Confi dent Speaker
“Dr. Frederick’s fi rst book demonstrates his gift of communicat-
ing in an accessible, human, meaningful manner about one of
life’s most important mysteries—the true value and purpose of
our emotions. He shows us how to navigate the guidance system
they provide on the road to happiness, fulfi llment, and depth in
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our lives. Hopefully, this will be the fi rst of many books from this
gifted writer.”
—Joseph Bailey, licensed psychologist and
best-selling author of Fearproof Your Life
and Slowing Down to the Speed of Life
“It is a delight to read a book on emotions that integrates so
much of the cutting-edge research in brain, body, mind, and
attachment. Ron Fredrick has managed to take diffi cult concepts
and translate them into language that is understandable. This is
a book for those who seek to reconnect with their own emotions,
and with the emotions of people they care about. I highly recom-
mend Living Like You Mean It.”
—Marion Solomon, Ph.D., director,
Clinical Training, Lifespan Learning Institute,
and author, Lean on Me
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L i v i n g
LIKE YOU
MEAN IT
Use the Wisdom and Power of Your Emotions
to Get the Life You Really Want
Ronald J. Frederick, PhD
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Copyright © 2009 by Ronald J. Frederick. All rights reserved.
Published by Jossey-Bass
A Wiley Imprint
989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA 94103-1741—www.josseybass.com
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form
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Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further
information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read.
The lines “I am a rock, I am an island” and “And a rock feels no pain; and an island never cries” are
from “I Am a Rock,” recorded and released by Simon & Garfunkel in 1965. Copyright © 1965 by
Paul Simon.
Excerpt from “The Road Not Taken” is from The Poetry of Robert Frost, edited by Edward Connery
Lathem. Copyright © 1916, 1969 by Henry Holt & Company. Copyright © 1944 by Robert Frost.
Reprinted by permission of Henry Holt & Company, LLC.
Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts
in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy
or completeness of the contents of this book and specifi cally disclaim any implied warranties of
merchantability or fi tness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales
representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be
suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Frederick, Ronald J. (date).
Living like you mean it : use the wisdom and power of your emotions to get the life you really
want / Ronald J. Frederick. — 1st ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-470-37703-1 (cloth)
1. Emotions. 2. Success—Psychological aspects. I. Title.
BF511.F74 2009
152.4—dc22
2008041907
Printed in the United States of America
first edition
HB Printing 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
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CONTENTS
Acknowledgments vii
Introduction xiii
PART ONE: PREPARATION
1 To Feel or Not to Feel 3
2 How the Heck Did I Get This Way? 23
PART TWO: TAKING ACTION
3 Step One: Becoming Aware of Your Feelings 45
4 Step One, Continued: Becoming Aware of
Your Defenses 64
5 Step Two: Taming the Fear 87
6 Step Three: Feeling It Through 108
7 Step Four: Opening Up 131
8 Putting It All Together 151
Conclusion: Making a Choice 170
Appendix: Seeking Professional Help 173
Notes 175
The Author 179
Index 181
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To my family,
By birth and by choice
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
When i started down the path of writing this book fi ve years
ago, I had no idea what the journey would entail. I couldn’ t have
gone the distance alone. It is with deep gratitude that I thank
the following people who, in their own special way, have helped
me make this book a reality:
Dan Ambrosio, my literary agent at Vigliano Associates, for
his belief in this project from the beginning; for his energy,
enthusiasm, and support; and for shepherding me through this
process with aplomb. I couldn ’t have asked for a better advocate.
Sheryl Fullerton, my editor at Jossey- Bass, for her deep appre-
ciation and understanding of my message (and helping me con-
vey it in far fewer words); her excellent suggestions; her steady,
guiding hand; and her professional integrity. It ’s been a joy to
work with her.
The wonderful team at Jossey- Bass, for their humanity, hard
work, and commitment to excellence.
Katherine Crowley, of K Squared Enterprises, for knowing
I had this book in me before I did, for being there for me at just
the right moments, and for introducing me to Dan Ambrosio.
Mark Chimsky, Mark Levy, and Mary Carroll Moore, who,
early on, lent their literary expertise to the proposal, and helped
give it wings.
Larina Kase, of Performance & Success Coaching, for her
wonderful guidance, enthusiasm, and generosity.
The many family members, friends, and colleagues who gen-
erously read the manuscript at various stages in its development,
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