Living Happily Ever After: Putting Reality into Your Romance

374 Pages·2001·65.93 MB·English

by  Bob O'Connor

Because your family matters ...
Familqt matters is a brand new series from Wiley high-
lighting topics that are important to the everyday lives
of family members. Each book tackles a common prob-
lem or difficult situation, such as teenage troubles, new
babies or problems in relationships, and provides easily
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FamiZjj Matters series is designed to provide expert advice
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Titles in the series:
Paula Nicolson Postnatal Depressio)i: Facing the Parodo<yof Loss,
Happiness mid Motherhood
John Coleman S e x aiid Your Teenager: A Parent’s Guide
David Cohen The Father’s Book: Being a Good Dad in
the 21st Century
Bob O’Connor Living Happily Ezier A f t e r : Putting Real i ty into
Your Ronzance
Living Happily
Ever After
Putting Reality into Your Romance
Bob O’Connor
Professor Emeritus,
Licensed Marriage and Family Counsellor
JOHN WILEY & SONS, LTD
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Contents
About the author xi
...
Acknowledgements X l l l
Solving the problems you have MOW XV
Introduction 1
1 Planning for ‘happily ever after’ 5
H a v e I looked a t my complex relationship?
Be ready to change for the better 8
Planning is the key 9
Finding our way in the relationship maze 11
Just getting married is not the answer 13
Life is a series of contracts 14
Every relationship is a contract 17
Yes, you can make your relationship better 20
Contracts for marriage are not new 22
The well-thought-out agreement - before and
during the relationship 23
vi Contents
What are the areas which generally need
understanding - and possibly negotiation 29
If we don’t do it, will the government require
us to develop contractual agreements? 30
2 A m I still ‘in love’? 35
H a l e I looked at the realities of loving?
What is love? 38
Other definitions of love 40
The kinds of love 42
The need for love 47
How love develops 49
The ingredients of love 52
Mistaking infatuation for love 56
Self-test on love 61
3 In the contract - Who are you? 65
Do I really kjiozu me?
Self-esteem 68
The basics of our personalities 70
The doers - the power people 71
The feelers - the loving people 72
The experiencers - the meaning people 73
What do these mean to a relationship? 74
Power versus love 75
The rapid changing of our society 77
Having an honest feeling of self-esteem 79
The consequences of low self-esteem 80
Understanding your values 81
Keeping your identity and pursuing your
own goals 85
Contents vii
Self-tests
Seu-evalu a tion of the lov e-p ozuer--m eai zing
areas 89
Similarities and diffeveiices in backgrounds 93
How I feel mentally and socially 97
4 Understanding our adjustments 99
Do I yeally uiiderstal-id us?
How we see ourselves 101
Stresses 103
Adjusting to stresses 104
Normal and abnormal behaviour 106
Everyone makes adjustments 109
Some common patterns of adjusting 110
Attacking reality - the fighting approach 112
Types of attacking behaviour 114
Types of withdrawing behaviour - the
fleeing approach 118
Forgetting reality 119
Distorting reality 120
Atoning for reality 124
Retreating from reality 129
5 The psychological contract in marriage 135
The obvious and th.e hiddeii aspects of our
relationships
The psychological contract 138
Their concerns which they had talked
about and were aware of 142
Conscious but not verbalised concerns 144
Unconscious (so it can’t be talked about) 150
0ur minds 151
Finding the realities 155
Our pasts are important for our futures 156
...
Vlll Contents
6 What do you want from your relationship 159
A r e my ueecls being met?
Finding our dream 160
Your nia t e 163
Aging and changing 164
We bring our expectations with us 167
Intimacy 169
Should all close relationships be marriages? 170
Do I want a long-term commitment for the
right reasons? 171
Roles in marriage 174
The dynaniics of a marriage relationship 181
Self -tests
Seeing things the same way 185
Personality style 189
My desires within the marriage 191
Interests 193
Understanding the sexual contract 197
H a v e thiugs changed sexually for you?
Negative changes in our relationship contracts 199
Why we have sex 203
How important is sex anyway? 205
Common reasons for changes in the desire for
physical intimacy 206
Being better in bed 208
Good sex 210
Straying from the sexual contract 210
What about extramarital sex (adultery)? 211
So, what can we do? 218
Sev-test on sexuality and sexual preferences 219
Contents ix
8 Biological forces and your sexuality 221
FVhnt controls mid stiirzulntes yozrv body
a m ?mind?
Some physiological influences on our sexual
interests and abilities 223
Neurotransmitters 225
Peptides 231
Hormones 231
The menstrual cycle and hormones 244
Endorp hins 244
Pheromones 245
Orgasm 246
Our sexual desires - as we age 248
Chemical help 249
Making love, not war 250
Something to think about 251
More severe psychological problems relating
to sex 253
Common, and not so common,
sexual practices 255
Sexual problems and the marriage contract 264
9 Effective communication 267
Why can’t I get through to my mate?
Positive communication 270
Communication 272
Gender traditions and communication styles 274
You must be mature 276
Keeping the relationship positive makes
communication easier 278
Romance comes from the positives in your
relationship 282