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Living Happily Ever After: Putting Reality into Your Romance PDF

374 Pages·2001·65.93 MB·English
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Because your family matters ... Familqt matters is a brand new series from Wiley high- lighting topics that are important to the everyday lives of family members. Each book tackles a common prob- lem or difficult situation, such as teenage troubles, new babies or problems in relationships, and provides easily understood advice from authoritative professionals. The FamiZjj Matters series is designed to provide expert advice to ordinary people struggling with everyday problems and bridges the gap between the professional and client. Each book also offers invaluable help to practitioners as exten- sions to the advice they can give in sessions, and helps trainees to understand the issues clients face. Titles in the series: Paula Nicolson Postnatal Depressio)i: Facing the Parodo<yof Loss, Happiness mid Motherhood John Coleman S e x aiid Your Teenager: A Parent’s Guide David Cohen The Father’s Book: Being a Good Dad in the 21st Century Bob O’Connor Living Happily Ezier A f t e r : Putting Real i ty into Your Ronzance Living Happily Ever After Putting Reality into Your Romance Bob O’Connor Professor Emeritus, Licensed Marriage and Family Counsellor JOHN WILEY & SONS, LTD Chichester. New York - Weinheim - Brisbane Singapore .Toronto Copyright Q 2001 by John Wiley 2k Sons Ltd, Baffins Lane, Chichester, West Susseh PO19 l U D , England National 01243 779777 International (t4-C)1213 779777 e-mail (for orders and customer service enquiries): Contents About the author xi ... Acknowledgements X l l l Solving the problems you have MOW XV Introduction 1 1 Planning for ‘happily ever after’ 5 H a v e I looked a t my complex relationship? Be ready to change for the better 8 Planning is the key 9 Finding our way in the relationship maze 11 Just getting married is not the answer 13 Life is a series of contracts 14 Every relationship is a contract 17 Yes, you can make your relationship better 20 Contracts for marriage are not new 22 The well-thought-out agreement - before and during the relationship 23 vi Contents What are the areas which generally need understanding - and possibly negotiation 29 If we don’t do it, will the government require us to develop contractual agreements? 30 2 A m I still ‘in love’? 35 H a l e I looked at the realities of loving? What is love? 38 Other definitions of love 40 The kinds of love 42 The need for love 47 How love develops 49 The ingredients of love 52 Mistaking infatuation for love 56 Self-test on love 61 3 In the contract - Who are you? 65 Do I really kjiozu me? Self-esteem 68 The basics of our personalities 70 The doers - the power people 71 The feelers - the loving people 72 The experiencers - the meaning people 73 What do these mean to a relationship? 74 Power versus love 75 The rapid changing of our society 77 Having an honest feeling of self-esteem 79 The consequences of low self-esteem 80 Understanding your values 81 Keeping your identity and pursuing your own goals 85 Contents vii Self-tests Seu-evalu a tion of the lov e-p ozuer--m eai zing areas 89 Similarities and diffeveiices in backgrounds 93 How I feel mentally and socially 97 4 Understanding our adjustments 99 Do I yeally uiiderstal-id us? How we see ourselves 101 Stresses 103 Adjusting to stresses 104 Normal and abnormal behaviour 106 Everyone makes adjustments 109 Some common patterns of adjusting 110 Attacking reality - the fighting approach 112 Types of attacking behaviour 114 Types of withdrawing behaviour - the fleeing approach 118 Forgetting reality 119 Distorting reality 120 Atoning for reality 124 Retreating from reality 129 5 The psychological contract in marriage 135 The obvious and th.e hiddeii aspects of our relationships The psychological contract 138 Their concerns which they had talked about and were aware of 142 Conscious but not verbalised concerns 144 Unconscious (so it can’t be talked about) 150 0ur minds 151 Finding the realities 155 Our pasts are important for our futures 156 ... Vlll Contents 6 What do you want from your relationship 159 A r e my ueecls being met? Finding our dream 160 Your nia t e 163 Aging and changing 164 We bring our expectations with us 167 Intimacy 169 Should all close relationships be marriages? 170 Do I want a long-term commitment for the right reasons? 171 Roles in marriage 174 The dynaniics of a marriage relationship 181 Self -tests Seeing things the same way 185 Personality style 189 My desires within the marriage 191 Interests 193 Understanding the sexual contract 197 H a v e thiugs changed sexually for you? Negative changes in our relationship contracts 199 Why we have sex 203 How important is sex anyway? 205 Common reasons for changes in the desire for physical intimacy 206 Being better in bed 208 Good sex 210 Straying from the sexual contract 210 What about extramarital sex (adultery)? 211 So, what can we do? 218 Sev-test on sexuality and sexual preferences 219 Contents ix 8 Biological forces and your sexuality 221 FVhnt controls mid stiirzulntes yozrv body a m ?mind? Some physiological influences on our sexual interests and abilities 223 Neurotransmitters 225 Peptides 231 Hormones 231 The menstrual cycle and hormones 244 Endorp hins 244 Pheromones 245 Orgasm 246 Our sexual desires - as we age 248 Chemical help 249 Making love, not war 250 Something to think about 251 More severe psychological problems relating to sex 253 Common, and not so common, sexual practices 255 Sexual problems and the marriage contract 264 9 Effective communication 267 Why can’t I get through to my mate? Positive communication 270 Communication 272 Gender traditions and communication styles 274 You must be mature 276 Keeping the relationship positive makes communication easier 278 Romance comes from the positives in your relationship 282

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