Living and Loving after Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic

250 Pages·2013·1.25 MB·English

by  Steven Stosny PhD

“Living and Loving after Betrayal offers a strong rope out of the quick-
sand of misery and despair that couples sink into after a betrayal.
Stosny’s guide to healing the heartache of betrayal is the most helpful
I have seen in twenty-five years of clinical practice.”
—Ronald J. Coughlin, EdD, licensed psychologist with
twenty-five years in full-time private practice
“Since a pain-free life isn’t possible, we need to understand and follow
the wisdom provided in Living and Loving after Betrayal. Stosny, one
of today’s most highly respected relationship experts, understands
how to grow and have a more satisfying life after being deeply hurt by
others. This is a deceptively simple tool kit for effectively handling
the full range of relationship disappointments and heartaches.”
—Jon Carlson, PsyD, EdD, distinguished professor in the
Division of Psychology & Counseling, Governors State
University
“This is a remarkably wise and compassionate guide to healing from
intimate betrayal. It will help you recover the best of yourself rather
than remain stuck in anger or anxiety. I will ask my clients to read
this book and I will give it to loved ones who are on a healing
journey.”
—William J. Doherty, PhD, professor and director of the
Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project at the University
of Minnesota, and author of Take Back Your Marriage.
“Stosny has broken new ground for individuals moving forward from
any type of betrayal or violation of the intimate bonds of relation-
ships. He takes the reader beyond hurt, even beyond healing, into the
area of personal mastery by way of compassion. This book is a must
read for anyone who has felt the pain and disappointment of a once-
trusted relationship.”
—Pat Love, EdD, coauthor of How to Improve Your
Marriage without Talking about It and Never Be Lonely
Again
“This excellent book addresses an often-overlooked aspect of healing
from betrayal, and that is self-healing. When people get hurt, their
attention usually turns to the perpetrator of the hurt—one’s part-
ner. But part of the real work that needs to be done is on one’s self. 
“If you have felt the devastating effects of betrayal, this must-read
book will help restore your inner resilience and faith in yourself so you
can get through the difficult periods and thrive beyond them. Stosny’s
workbook-like exercises help you apply what you’re learning to your
own unique situation. You’ll feel like you have a personal coach guid-
ing you to better times!”
—Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting and
The Sex-Starved Marriage
L i v i n g &
L o v i n g
after
B e t r a y a L
How to Heal fom Emotional Abuse,
Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment
Steven StoSny, PhD
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the
subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in
rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or
counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2013 by S teven Stosny
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup
Acquired by Melissa Kirk
Edited by Susan LaCroix
All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
Stosny, Steven.
Living and loving after betrayal : how to heal from emotional abuse, deceit, infidel-
ity, and chronic resentment / Steven Stosny, PhD.
pages cm
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-1-60882-752-7 (pbk. : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-753-4 (pdf
e-book) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-754-1 (epub) 1. Trust. 2. Betrayal. 3. Intimacy
(Psychology) 4. Interpersonal conflict. 5. Interpersonal relations. 6. Couples--
Psychology. I. Title.
BF575.T7S76 2013
158.2--dc23
2013011797
To my thousands of clients who have shown the awesome courage to
heal and grow from the depths of relationship betrayal.
And, as always, to my mother, who overcame every form of intimate
betrayal to become a compassionate, loving, and powerful person.
Contents
Introduction 1
Part I The Start of Healing and Empowerment
1 Fotprints on the Heart and Soul 7
2 How to Use the Natural Motivation of Pain to Heal 19
3 How to Develop a Healing Identity 29
4 H ow to Use Restorative Images to Heal
Painful Memories 45
Part II Retraining the Recovering Heart
5 The Key to Healing and Growth: Your Core Value 57
6 G etting to Core Value under Pressure: Your Core
Value Bank 75
7 Intimate Betrayal and Post-Traumatic Stress 89
8 H ow to Change Hidden Guilt and Shame into
Self-Compasion 101
9 Overcoming Resentment and the Danger of Trust 113
Living and Loving after Betrayal
Part III Loving Again
10 Teh aP t h to iW se rT uts 135
11 oH w to Kno w If oY r’u e Dating a tuF ure Betrayer 149
12 Intiam cy and teh unH gry eH art 159
Part IV Rebuilding a Betrayed Relationship
13 Reubilding a Relationhsi p wit h oY ur Betrayer 177
14 Teh Coapm is onate Reap ir rP oec s 193
15 Teh Reoc nnection Dilemam 211
ipE logeu : eH aling , Reap ir , oF rgivenes 227
Referenec s 233
vi
Introduction
If you have felt betrayed by a lover in a committed relationship, you
know all too well that intimate betrayal is a pain unlike any other,
striking at the core of our capacity to trust and love. This extraordi-
narily harsh and lingering pain almost invariably overflows into other
areas of life. Work efficiency plummets for most who suffer its sting.
Some feel unable to resume their normal level of caring behavior in
any relationship, including those with friends, parents, and children.
Many are left feeling unworthy of love. Most endure long periods of
dull ache or depressed mood, punctuated by torrents of anger, shame,
guilt, anxiety, resentment, and grief.
The destructive force and lasting effects of intimate betrayal come
from its violation of the implicit promise that gives us the courage to
love in the first place: the promise that no matter what happens, the
person you love and trust will care about your well-being and never
intentionally hurt you.
These two key elements classify the types of intimate betrayal.
Behaviors that intentionally hurt include most emotional abuse, verbal
aggression, and domestic violence. Failure to care about your