Life and Loss: A Guide to Help Grieving Children

287 Pages·2013·7.897 MB·English

by  Linda Goldman

LIFE AND LOSS
Many clinicians and caring adults recognize that denying or ignoring grief issues in children
leaves them feeling alone and that acknowledging loss is a crucial part of a child’s healthy
development. Really dealing with loss in productive ways, however, is sometimes easier said
than done. For decades, Life and Loss has been the book clinicians have relied on for a full and
nuanced presentation of the many issues with which grieving children grapple, as well as an
honest exploration of the interrelationship between unresolved grief, educational success, and
responsible citizenry. The third edition of Life and Loss brings this exploration firmly into the
21st century and makes a convincing case that children’s grief is no longer restricted only to
loss-identified children. Children’s grief is now endemic; it is global. Life and Loss is not just the
book clinicians and caring adults need to understand grief in today’s society—it is the book they
need in order to work with it in constructive ways.
Linda Goldman is the author of several books, including Breaking the Silence: A Guide to Help-
ing Children With Complicated Grief and Raising Our Children to Be Resilient: A Guide to Help-
ing Children Cope With Trauma in Today’s World. She has been an educator in the public school
system as a teacher and counselor for almost 20 years and has a private grief-therapy practice
in Chevy Chase, Maryland. She also teaches as an adjunct professor in schools and universities.
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LIFE AND LOSS
A Guide to Help Grieving Children
Third Edition
Linda Goldman
This edition published 2014
by Routledge
711 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10017
and by Routledge
27 Church Road, Hove, East Sussex BN3 2FA
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business
The right of Linda Goldman to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by her in
accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilized in any form
or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including
photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without
permission in writing from the publishers.
Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks,
and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe.
When anecdotes appear throughout this book, the names and specific incidents may have been
modified to maintain the privacy of the people in the stories. The children and adults in the
photographs may not be related to the material on the page on which they appear.
First edition published by Brunner-Mazel 1994
Second edition published by Routledge 2000
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Goldman, Linda, 1946–
Life and loss : a guide to help grieving children / Linda Goldman. — Third Edition.
pages cm
Includes bibliographical references and index.
1. Grief in children. 2. Loss (Psychology) in children. 3. Children—
Counseling of. I. Title.
BF723.G75G65 2013
155.9'37083—dc23 2013003426
ISBN: 978-0-415-85389-7 (hbk)
ISBN: 978-0-415-63080-1 (pbk)
ISBN: 978-0-203-09733-5 (ebk)
Typeset in Dutch
by Apex CoVantage, LLC
Dedication
This book is dedicated to the children of the world and the child within each of us.
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Contents
Preface xiii
Acknowledgments xvii
Introduction xix
1. Children’s Loss and Grief 1
What’s the Matter With Kids Today? 3
Facts About the Grieving Child 4
The Norm Is the Grieving Child 4
Create a Safe Grief Environment 9
Childhood Loss 9
Loss of Relationships 10
Loss of External Objects 11
Loss in the Environment 12
Loss of Self 13
Loss of Skills and Abilities 15
Loss of Privacy 17
Loss of Habits and Routines 19
Loss of the Future and Adult Protection 20
2. Myths of Grief 23
Myths About Loss and Grief 25
Myth: Grief, Bereavement, and Mourning Are the Same 26
Myth: Adults Can Instantly Give Explanations to Children
About Death and Spirituality 26
Myth: Grief and Mourning Have Orderly Stages 26
Myth: The Grief of Adults Does Not Impact the Bereaved Child 27
Myth: Adults Should Avoid Topics That Cause a Child to Cry 27
Myth: An Active, Playing Child Is Not a Grieving Child 29
Myth: Infants and Toddlers Are Too Young to Grieve 30
Myth: Parents and Professionals Are Always Prepared and
Qualified to Explain Loss and Grief 31
Myth: There Is Closure to Grief 32
Myth: Children Need to Get Over Their Grief and Move On 32
Myth: Children Are Better Off Not Attending Funerals 32
3. Four Psychological Tasks of Grief Work 35
Children Work Through Grief: Four Psychological Tasks 37
Understanding 37
Grieving 42
Commemorating 45
Going On 46
The Story of Star 48
Let Kids Know 49
Let Kids Talk 49
Let Kids Participate 49
Let Kids Be Unique 49
viii
CONTENTS
4. Techniques for Grief Work 51
Identify Feelings 53
Anger 53
Panic 54
Guilt 54
Denial 54
Withdrawal 54
Stuffing the Feeling 55
Identifying the Feeling 55
Grief Techniques: Ideas for All Ages 58
Storytelling 58
Creative Writing 58
Letter Writing 60
Poetry 64
Essays 65
Pictures for Projective Techniques 66
Geneograms 67
Children’s Questions and Techniques for Answering Them 68
Questions for God 68
Questions for a Mom That Died 68
Questions About Forgetting 68
Questions About Clichés 69
Questions About Connection 69
Questions About Secrecy 69
Questions About Facts 69
Questions About the Inability to Grieve Openly 69
Questions About Dying 70
Questions About Magical Thinking 70
Questions About Heaven 70
Questions About Safety 71
Memory Work 72
Memory Boxes 72
Picture Albums 72
Memory Table 72
Memory Mural or Collage 73
Memory Work and the Internet 73
Memory Pillow and Photographs 73
Memory Projects 74
Memory Books 74
Interactive Story and Memory Book 77
Memory Book Resources 77
Ongoing Memory Work 78
Drama and Imagination 78
Stimulating Open Discussion 79
Art 82
Clay 83
Music 84
Computers and the Internet 85
Creating a Resource Library 86
Identifying Feelings 86
5. Preparing for a Good-bye Visit 87
Let’s Prepare Kids to Say Good-bye 89
Preparing Children for a Good-bye: A Family’s Story 89
Good-bye Visit Memories 92
Remembering a Year Later 94
A Dying Child Says Good-bye 96
Do Talk With Children About Death 97
ix
CONTENTS
Communicate With Children By 98
Resources for Children on Dying 98
Resources for Adults 98
6. Saying Good-bye to a Pet 99
The Love for a Pet 101
The Story of Thatcher: A Celebration of Life 103
The Story 103
Saying Good-bye to Thatcher 103
The Preparation 104
The Party: A Wonderful Tribute 105
Saying Good-bye 106
Including Children in Pet Death: What We Can Do 109
Ways That Work 109
Resources 109
For Children About Pet Loss and Death 109
For Adults on Pet Loss and Death 109
7. The Child’s World of Technology 111
Technology: A Blessing or a Curse 113
The Blessing 114
The Curse 114
The Challenge 115
Adults Taking Action 117
What We Can Do to Help the Child 118
Promote Safety on the Internet 118
Interventions to Stop Cyberbullying in Schools 118
Parent Involvement 119
Resources 119
For Children 119
For Adults 119
Conclusion 120
8. Family Diversity—The New Norm: Challenges for Children 121
E Pluribus Unum: Out of Many, One 123
Diversity Is the Norm, Not the Exception 124
Gracie’s Story: A Child of First-Generation Parents 124
Immigration 127
Children’s Voices 127
Cultural Connection Through Outreach and Services 128
Boat People SOS (BPSOS) 128
Latin American Youth Center (LAYC) 128
Education, Interconnection, and Community 129
Art Museum of the Americas: Reaching Out to Community 129
What We Can Do 130
Interventions 133
Resources on Immigration for Children 134
Multiracial Families 135
What to Say 136
Resources for Children 136
Same-Sex Parenting 137
Resources for Children on LGBT Issues 138
What a Family Is 139
Dialogue About Families 139
Core Family Concepts 140
A Portrait Project 140