Leaving Loneliness: A Workbook - Building Relationships with Yourself and Others

246 Pages·2014·1.39 MB·English

by  David Narang

Publisher’s Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter
covered. It is sold with the understanding that the author and the publisher are not engaged in rendering
psychological or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a
competent professional should be sought.
Copyright © 2014 by Stronger Relationships LLC
16350 Ventura Boulevard, Suite D-501
Encino, CA 91436
[email protected]
All Rights Reserved.
Cover design by CreateSpace
Cover image by CreateSpace
Edited by CreateSpace
Text design by CreateSpace
Distributed in the United States by CreateSpace
ISBN 10: 0615860893
ISBN 13: 978-0615860893
Stronger Relationships is online at: www.strongerrelationships.org.
Dedicated to skillfully provided love, which helps us to nourish ourselves and

others.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I thank my best friend Carol Kiriakos for editorial assistance and for being the
love of my life. I also appreciate Jean and Danielle, friends since early
childhood who have influenced this book by affecting the person I have become.
Additional influences upon me resulting in this book are numerous, including my
father ’s persistence, my mother ’s artistry, the skillfulness of my mindfulness
instructors in teaching me about having a progressively more direct and naked
experience of living, Bob and Rita Resnick, PhD (two of the most potent
psychologists I have ever met), David Wallin, PhD, and Dan Hughes, PhD, who
have both written inspiring books on practical applications of attachment theory,
and my experiences with those in loneliness, which have shown me that humans
can endure pain with dignity and (often) patience and also that working through
the sources of loneliness is a learnable skill. I thank Ruth Cañas, LCSW as well,
for her many contributions to my professional growth.
TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction: Important Information and How to Use This Book

Notes
Chapte r 1: Ide ntifying the Obstacle s in Your Attachme nt Style
Starting with Your Strengths
Writing the (Attachment) Story of Your Life Thus Far
Identifying Your Challenges with Attachment (Note: This key activity determines if
you should complete Chapter 2, Chapter 3, or both.)
Attachment Styles of Your Family Members
Notes
Chapte r 2: Additional Activitie s to Spe cifically Addre ss Attachme nt Anxie ty
Finding Your Satisfaction
Why Do I Feel Desperation and Cling to Others?
What If I Don’t Really Need as Much From Them as I Think?
What If I’m More Scared of What I Can Do Than of What I Can’t Do?
Healing Your Deeper Emotional Injuries
The Person/s Who Was/Were Really There for Me
Experiencing Versus Addicting
But I Feel Hopeless and Lost Without His/Her Love
Why Do I Get So Upset When I Feel Ignored or Misunderstood?
I Get Really Mad When Others Don’t See Things the Way I Do
Why Do I Linger So Long at the End of a Conversation?
Why Can’t I Seem to Make a Decision?
Simple, Useful Meditation When Habitually Overly Busy
Gratitude
Identifying My Attachment Fears
What Makes Me Strong?
Giving What I Have of Value to the World
My Rotation Between Idealizing Others and Being Disappointed
Repairing a Recent Interaction That Damaged a Relationship
Why Do I Ask for Help When I Already Know What to Do?
Getting Love from Myself and Others by Being Strong and Healthy Instead of by
Being Sick or Emotionally Injured
When I Truly Do Need Others’ Help: Asking in a Way That Respects Myself and
Does Not Burn Them Out
Sometimes I Just Want to Hurt People: Why Is That?
In Pain with Loneliness? Calm the Emotion and Make a Plan to Rescue Yourself
Chapte r 3: Additional Activitie s to Spe cifically Addre ss Attachme nt
Avoidance
Understanding Your Goal at a Gut Level
Happiness and Sadness: Accepting All Emotions as Part of Life
I Am Already Enough, Even Before Improving More
I Am Smart, So Why Am I Not Happier?
Getting to Know the Right Hemisphere of Your Brain
Finding Your Satisfactions and Pleasures
Getting Comfortable with Change
When Asking for Help Does Not Mean I Am Weak
Naming My Social Fears
Healing My Deeper Emotional Injuries
How Do I Let My Guard Down?
What Part/s of My Physical Health and Needs Have I Been Neglecting the Most?
Speedy Surface Interactions and Slower, Deeper Communication
Shame
Pride
Why Do I Work to the P oint of Insanity to Be Competent/Perfect?
Lightness and Levity
I Am Not Here Simply to Be a Hero. My P urpose in Life Is Not to Emotionally
Rescue Others or to Be Somebody Else’s “Tool”
A Very Different Way of Relating to Others
Continue to Help Others, but with the Right Intention
Repairing Angry Interactions
I Am Me and You Are You
Social Coping
Social Prioritizing: Deepening Select Relationships Instead of Having Light
Relationships with Dozens
Getting Curious About Yourself
You May Be Terrible at Surrender: Why You Need to Learn How
Practicing Receiving from Others
Learning to Cry to Prevent Becoming Truly Weak
What Actually Makes Me Strong?
Your Voice Tone
Why Do I Pretend to Myself That Things Are Not Dangerous to Me, When in Fact
They Injure and Exhaust Me?
Why Do I Stiffen Up So Quickly and Intensely in Arguments?
On Long-Distance Relationships, Porn, Social Networking Replacing Live Contact,
and Other Forms of P seudo-Contact
Less Analyzing, More Experiencing
Finding Better Solutions: First Sit and Listen to Yourself, and Only Then Move into
Action
From Compulsive, Unsatisfying Busyness to Purposeful Activity
Beyond Constant Problem Solving
Responding with Logic When Logic Is Appropriate, Responding with Emotion When
Emotion Is Appropriate
Allowing the Occasional Healthy Emotional Explosion
Notes
Chapte r 4: Cultivating Earne d Se cure Attachme nt To Se lf
Understanding This Chapter ’s Purpose
Forgiving Yourself for P ast Mistakes
Forgiving Others for Injuring or Failing You
Developing Your Complete, Detailed, Balanced Attachment Narrative: A P owerful
Tool
Approaching Insecurities in a Secure Manner
Meditation to Make Your External Support Internal
Meditation for Self-Soothing When Upset
Another Option to Use When Upset: Coping Thoughts
One More Option to Use When Upset: Art
Meditation of Self-Love in Action
Addressing Those More Embarrassing Needs of Your Body
Sleeping Well: Getting Enough Satisfaction from the Day
Sleeping Well: Releasing the Day’s Intensity
Secure Attachment Exercising
Right Now: What Do You Actually Want to Be Doing?
Music
Finding Your Inner Artist
Finding Your Inner Handyman/Woman
Becoming Aware of Your Deepest Desires
Seeking Satisfaction Instead of Solely Searching for Comfort
Allowing Yourself to Build and Have a Satisfying Life: Overcoming the Barrier of
Self-Criticism
Which Senses Are Most Satisfying to Stimulate?
Locating Beauty
Chapte r 5: Applying the Foundation of Attachme nt to Se lf to Your
Re lationships with Othe rs
Secure Attachment Driving

What Are Your Social Assumptions?
Shaking Off Obstacles to Being Yourself in Conversation
If You Get Anxious in a Conversation: Reconnecting to Yourself
Don’t Drop My Conversation Partners, or I Lose Them
Bringing in People Who Balance You
Meeting People: Posture of Openness
Meeting People: Emotional Openness
Meeting People: Replacing Self-Consciousness with Curiosity
Advanced Topic: Mind Mapping Instead of P rojecting
Finding My Mentors
True Vulnerability
Secure Attachment Sex
An Ongoing Checklist about Your Relationship with Yourself
Becoming Free
No Compromise Decisions
I’m Alive: Living Before I Die
Openness to Experience
Notes
Conclusion
INTRODUCTION:

Important Information and How to

Use This Book

Loneliness is quite painful, especially when it lasts a long time and seems so
hard to change. Have you ever been among people, even those whom you like,
and still felt alone, inadequate, and separate, or just unable to connect with them
in a consistent way? Loneliness is something everybody experiences, but chronic
feelings of loneliness are not typical to the human condition and do not need to
remain typical for you. If you do experience chronic feelings of loneliness, you
may need to work on something psychologists refer to as your attachment style.
By doing so, you are likely to find it easier to be kind to and truly aware of
yourself, and in turn relate in a more satisfying way to others. Imagine having
relationships that are strong, satisfying, and stable. This is possible once you
(and then others) see who you are, but it will require some patience and work.
My goal is to help you develop a clear framework, by learning about
attachment styles (in just two more pages, you will already read the bullet-
pointed sections defining these attachment styles). With that clarity, you can
approach the work on your loneliness with precision. Part of the pain can be that
it is hard to understand why loneliness continues to be your experience over time.
Lacking that understanding can leave you feeling hopeless to change it. Why do
others seem to be able to have fulfilling relationships when you are not? What is
it they have that you yourself can develop? It is not attractiveness, money, or
power, since many people with all three are quite lonely. Developing answers to
these questions builds hope, and gives you the power to begin building toward
that kind of satisfaction with your relationships.
This workbook presents a step-by-step approach to build success in
relationships. Initially, you will work to improve existing problems you may have
with your attachment style. Next you will build your awareness of and
responsiveness to yourself, a precursor to having healthy, strong relationships
with others. You’ll then be prepared to work on building satisfying relationships
with others later in the book. Though some suggestions are included, superficial
tips to meet people are not the focus here. If it were that simple, you would
already be surrounded by loving relationships. Rather, this workbook focuses on
activities that help you create the deeper, lasting internal changes needed to build
ongoing satisfaction with your relationships.
Let’s identify who is most likely to gain from this workbook. You are likely
to benefit from this workbook if you are having repetitive problems forming or
maintaining satisfying relationships, not if you are lonely due to a specific and
temporary life circumstance such as adjusting to a recent move or divorce. If you
are committed to making your own changes, not demanding that others change to
make you happy, you are very likely to benefit from this book, because you are
ready to work on yourself. If you do need the support of therapy because you are
deeply in pain, this book cannot take the place of therapy, though this book may
be extremely helpful used in combination with that therapy. That is, this book is
intended for those having mild to moderate challenges with loneliness, not for
those who are feeling helpless or hopeless. Also, you will get the most benefit if
you move slowly while doing the exercises in the book, truly experiencing them,
instead of skimming the book. Working through this book is not to be solely an
intellectual exercise, but rather an experience putting you in greater
communication with yourself. That deeper method of approaching the book is
likely to help you with your loneliness, whereas skimming the book intellectually
is unlikely to produce life changes.
There is one other caveat about completing this book, important enough for a
separate paragraph. You may feel warm and content after completing some parts
of this book, particularly regarding some exercises in Chapters 4 and 5.
However, this is not a feel-good workbook per se. This workbook is about
helping you to spot and address issues that keep you lonely, and that is not mild
material. Completing some portions of this workbook may evoke feelings of
sadness, and you may feel defensive at other points, both of which may actually
signify that this book is helping you get in touch with the problems which
currently trap you. If so, remember your motivation for working through this
book, or if desired, you may decide to stop or to seek therapy to support yourself
in completing the exercises. I add this caveat so that you can begin informed and
prepared. If you begin with the expectation of seeing problems within yourself
and your relationship history, but maintain some joy in having something you can
do to address those problems, you have a great mindset with which to approach
this work.
This book is a synthesis of modern theory and research on human
relationships, integrated with ancient Eastern philosophy. I will cite my sources
at times, not only to give credit, but also because I want you to know that the
strength of this book is not based on merely my personal theory about how to
build your success in relationships. On the contrary, without the work of those
cited, this book could not exist. The activities in this book flow from cutting-edge
integrations of several theories and related research, but those theories and the
related research themselves are already established. First I will introduce the
important theories you need to understand to build your success, and then I’ll add
the integration.
What is attachment style? Attachment style refers to a characteristic pattern
that we repeat in approaching our social interactions. It is a broad concept with
many implications, but to nail down some specifics, it includes how easy or
challenging it is for us to trust that others will be there when we truly need them,
how well we are able to share our experiences with others to engage their
interest, how willing we are to both accept and offer others emotional help to
feel better, how able we are to soothe ourselves instead of unleashing excessive
emotion on others, how confident we are of the good intentions of others close to
us, how skillful we are at identifying those who would hurt us and closing off to
them without closing off to everybody else, and how much we are able to bond
with others based on truly getting to know each other instead of solely based on
being of service or receiving help, among other things.
We will not be discussing a lot of psychological terms in this book, but the
few we will focus on are crucial to your development of a clear framework
within which to understand and work on your loneliness. Let us then describe
what ‘Secure Attachment’ is, what you will be working towards, and also the
attachment problems of ‘Attachment Avoidance’ and ‘Attachment Anxiety’ that
you will be working to remedy on your path toward attachment security.
Characteristics of Se cure Attachme nt in adulthood (all may not be present, but