Kids Are Worth It! : Giving Your Child The Gift Of Inner Discipline

306 Pages·2002·1.29 MB·English

by  Barbara Coloroso

Kids Are Worth It!

Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline

Revised Edition
Barbara Coloroso
To Anna, Maria, and Joseph,
I wish for each one of you
the gentle joy that comes with justice seeking and peacemaking
Contents

Introduction
Chapter One: Kids Are Worth It
Chapter Two: Three Kinds of Families
Chapter Three: Threats, Punishment, Bribes, and Rewards
Chapter Four: The Triangle of Influence—Encouragment, Feedback, and
Discipline
Chapter Five: Three Alternatives to No and Other Plan Bs
Chapter Six: I Can Be Me
Chapter Seven: Keeping Your Cool without Putting Your Feelings on Ice
Chapter Eight: Realities, Mistakes, and Problems
Chapter Nine: Getting Your Kid Out of Jail and Other Mega-Problems
Chapter Ten: Settling Sibling Rivalry without Calling in the Cavalry
Chapter Eleven: The Big C and the Three Rs: Chores, Relaxation,
Recreation, and Rebellion
Chapter Twelve: Money Matters
Chapter Thirteen: Mealtime
Chapter Fourteen: Bedtime Doesn’t Have to Be a Nightmare
Chapter Fifteen: Ready, Sit, Go—Toilet Training
Chapter Sixteen: Sexuality Is Not a Four-Letter Word
Epilogue
Searchable Terms

Acknowledgments
About the Author
Other Books by Barbara Coloroso
Copyright
About the Publisher
Introduction

…because they are children
and for no other reason
they have dignity and worth
simply because they are…
—BARBARA COLOROSO

M
y road to parenting was anything but a direct route. In the late 1960s, at the
age of seventeen, I entered a Franciscan convent to become a nun, and began my
freshman year at university to become a special education teacher. Little did I
know then that the path to these two goals would radically influence my
parenting skills years later. The special education courses I took during my first
year were based on a behaviorist model, full of rewards and punishments, charts,
stickers, stars, threats, and bribes. The model worked with rats; surely it would
work with kids. Something didn’t seem right about manipulating rats and kids
with rewards and punishments, threats and bribes, but I couldn’t put into words
the discomfort I was feeling, and besides, I didn’t know what to use in their
place.

The following year, entering the canonical novitiate, also known as a year of
silence and reflection, I immersed myself in the study of philosophy and
theology. It was during this time that I began to challenge what I had learned in
my education courses. I carried on long arguments in my head, similar to the
arguments I find myself in now with my three teenagers. And the arguments in
my head then were as futile as the arguments with my teenagers now. Since
there was no decisive winner or loser, when I began my teaching career I tried to
reconcile the teaching methods with my philosophical tenets, but that didn’t
work either. Believing kids were worth it simply because they were, not because
they produced or behaved in a way I wanted them to, didn’t match with
rewarding “appropriate behavior” and ignoring or punishing “inappropriate
behavior.” Not treating them in a way I myself would not want to be treated
conflicted with “making them mind for their own good.” And using techniques
that left their dignity and my dignity intact didn’t connect with withholding food
from rats or kids. What did all of this have to do with the Latin roots of
disciplining with authority, that is, giving life to a child’s learning? Could
children become responsible, resourceful, and resilient if they were controlled,
manipulated, and made to mind? Could they develop a sense of inner discipline
if all of the control came from outside?
kids are worth it! giving your child the gift of inner discipline is my answer
to those questions. The answer is more an approach to parenting than a
collection of techniques. Believing kids are worth it, not treating them in a way I
would not want to be treated, and behaving in a way that leaves our dignity
intact are not themselves specific tools; rather, they provide an attitude and an
environment that helps me help my children develop a sense of self-discipline.

With a husband and three kids, I am obviously no longer a nun. I am also not a
perfect parent. In the midst of the many trials and errors I have had in raising
them, I have often told my three kids how lucky they were not to have a perfect
parent. Anna has just as often replied, “You are so lucky; you don’t have perfect
kids either.” Maria has been known to ask, “How come you don’t always do
what you tell other people to do?” And Joseph once asked a group of teachers,
who had just attended one of my lectures, if they would like him to be “good” or
“bad.” They laughed, I groaned, and with an innocent look on his face, Joseph
remarked, “Well, they want to see what you would do either way.” The
following pages are what I do, have done, would have done, wished I had done,
and plan to do next time.
These are only hints and guesses,
Hints followed by guesses; and the rest
Is prayer, observance, discipline, thought and action.
—T. S. ELIOT, “FOUR QUARTETS”

Chapter 1