It Wasn’t Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion

219 Pages·2015·1.16 MB·English

by  Beverly Enge

“With uncommon clarity and kindness, the author speaks directly to
the invisible heart of childhood abuse—shame. Readers will recognize
the authentic voice of a former victim as she gently guides them on the
healing path to self-compassion. It is an artful distillation of self-
compassion theory, research, and practice for those who have suffered
long enough. I can’t recommend it highly enough.”
—Christopher Germer, PhD, clinical instructor at Harvard
Medical School and author of The Mindful Path to Self-
Compassion
“This book provides an in-depth understanding of the many ways
shame sustains the harm of past abuse, and outlines a powerful
program for using self-compassion to free yourself from these bonds.
Read it and heal.”
—Kristin Neff, PhD, author of Self-Compassion
“In this beautifully written book, Beverley Engel offers us a scholarly,
yet easily-accessible understanding of the nature of shame and the
harm that it does us. She also articulates very clearly how compassion
is one of the most important antidotes for shame. After all, it’s easy to
be compassionate toward people we like—but real compassion is for
when things get tough. No one can read this book without coming
away with considerable insights into the problematic ways we often
treat ourselves and the value of developing compassion—not just as an
easy option, but as a courageous way to deal with our inner struggles. I
can’t recommend this book highly enough; it is well-researched,
highly informative, and helpful. A real gift to those struggling with the
inner conflicts of self-doubt and criticism.”
—Paul Gilbert, PhD, author of The Compassionate Mind
“What a wonderful book! Beverly Engel has a deep understanding of
how abuse and neglect affect children. Once again, she has written a
much-needed, breakthrough book for those recovering from abuse.
This time, she presents a profoundly powerful program to help
survivors overcome one of the most devastating effects of abuse—
debilitating shame. In it she teaches survivors how to practice self-
compassion—an amazing healing tool. I highly recommend this book
to anyone who was abused or neglected in childhood or adulthood.”
—Susan Forward, PhD, author of Toxic Parents and
Mothers Who Can’t Love

Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with
the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If
expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright © 2015 by Beverly Engel New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
http://www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup Acquired by Melissa Kirk Edited by Clancy Drake All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file
I dedicate this book to all my clients, past and present, who inspire me, inform me, and heal
me. Your strength, courage, and determination are awe-inspiring.
Contents
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
INTRODUCTION
PART I THE SHAME/COMPASSION CONNECTION
1 HOW AND WHY CHILD ABUSE CREATES SHAME
2 WHY SHAME IS SO DEBILITATING
3 HOW COMPASSION CAN HEAL THE SHAME OF CHILDHOOD
ABUSE
PART II THE COMPASSION CURE PROGRAM
4 THE OBSTACLES TO SELF-COMPASSION
5 RECEIVING COMPASSION FROM OTHERS
6 ALLOWING YOURSELF TO FEEL YOUR PAIN
PART III PRACTICING THE FIVE ASPECTS OF SELF-COMPASSION
7 SELF-UNDERSTANDING
8 SELF-FORGIVENESS
9 SELF-ACCEPTANCE
10 SELF-KINDNESS
11 SELF-ENCOURAGEMENT
CONCLUSION
AFTERWORD
REFERENCES
Acknowledgments
I
am deeply grateful for the wise teachers, researchers, and authors who helped
me to understand shame, compassion, and selfcompassion on a much deeper
level. First and foremost I wish to thank Gershen Kaufman for his brilliant work
on shame, including his book Shame: The Power of Caring. No one understands
the subject of shame quite as much as you seem to and I am so grateful I found
your work. Next, I would like to thank those in the Restorative Justice
movement who taught me that it is not through shaming that we rehabilitate
offenders, but through compassion.
I am deeply indebted to Kristin Neff for her outstanding research on
selfcompassion, her excellent book SelfCompassion, and her website,
http://www.selfcompassion.org, which not only helped me in the writing of this
book but have helped many of my clients tremendously. I especially wish to
thank Paul Gilbert, author of The Compassionate Mind and one of the leading
researchers on selfcompassion as a therapeutic tool, for his extensive research on
compassion, especially as it relates to shame.
I also wish to thank Christopher Germer for his excellent book The Mindful
Path to SelfCompassion, and Tara Brach for her revolutionary book Radical
Acceptance, both excellent resources for myself and my clients. Last, but
certainly not least, I wish to acknowledge the Dalai Lama, Mahatma Gandhi,
Nelson Mandela, and Martin Luther King, Jr., all great men who taught us that it
is through compassion that we will heal the world.
A special thank you to everyone at New Harbinger, and especially to
freelance copy editor Clancy Drake, whose fine editing helped make the book
the best it could be.
Introduction
Mine has been a life of much shame. I can’t even guess what it must be to
live the life of a human being.
—Osamu Dazai
I
f you were a victim of childhood abuse or neglect you know about shame. You
have likely been plagued by it all your life. You may feel shame because you
blame yourself for the abuse itself (“My father wouldn’t have hit me if I had
minded him”), or because you felt such humiliation at having been abused (“I
feel like such a wimp for not defending myself”). While those who were
sexually abused tend to suffer from the most shame, those who suffered from
physical, verbal, or emotional abuse blame themselves as well. In the case of
child sexual abuse, no matter how many times you have heard the words “It’s
not your fault,” the chances are high that you still blame yourself in some way—
for being submissive, for not telling someone and having the abuse continue, for
“enticing” the abuser with your behavior or dress, or because you felt some
physical pleasure.
In the case of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, you may blame yourself
for “not listening” and thus making your parent or other caretaker so angry that
he or she yelled at you or hit you. Children tend to blame the neglect and abuse
they experience on themselves, in essence saying to themselves, “My mother is
treating me like this because I’ve been bad,” or, “I am being neglected because I
am unlovable.” As an adult you may have continued this kind of rationalization,
putting up with poor treatment by others because you believe you brought it on
yourself. Conversely, when good things happen to you, you may actually
become uncomfortable, because you feel so unworthy.
You may also have a great deal of shame due to the exposure of the abuse. If
you reported the abuse to someone, you may blame yourself for the
consequences of your outcry—your parents divorcing, your molester going to
jail, your family going to court.
And there is the shame you may feel about your behavior that was a
consequence of the abuse. Former victims of childhood abuse tend to feel a great
deal of shame for things they did as children as a result of the abuse. For
example, perhaps unable to express their anger at an abuser, they may have
taken their hurt and anger out on those who were smaller or weaker than
themselves, such as younger siblings. They may have become bullies at school,
been belligerent toward authority figures, or started stealing, taking drugs, or
otherwise acting out against society. In the case of sexual abuse, former victims
may have continued the cycle of abuse by introducing younger children to sex.
You may also feel shame because of things you have done as an adult to hurt
yourself and others, such as abusing alcohol or drugs, becoming sexually
promiscuous, or breaking the law. Adults who were abused as children may push
away those who try to be good to them; become emotionally or physically
abusive to their partners; or continue a pattern of being abused, subjecting their
own children to witnessing abuse or, worse, being abused themselves. Former
abuse victims may repeat the cycle of abuse by emotionally, physically, or
sexually abusing their own children, or may abandon their children because they
can’t take care of them.
It’s Not Your Fault will explore such manifestations of shame in a way that
will help you understand yourself and your behavior better. Such understanding
can allow you to forgive yourself and, finally, to rid yourself of the shame that
may have crippled you in many ways. The truth is that for most victims of abuse,
shame is likely one of the worst effects of the abuse or neglect, possibly the very
worst. Unless they are able to heal this debilitating shame, they will likely
continue to suffer many problems in life.
How Shame Affects Victims of Abuse
If you were a victim of childhood abuse or neglect, shame can affect literally
every aspect of your life: from your self-confidence, self-esteem, and body
image to your ability to relate to others, navigate intimate relationships, and be a
good parent; from your work performance to your ability to learn new things or
care for yourself. Shame is responsible for myriad personal problems, including:
Self-criticism and self-blame
Self-neglect
Self-destructive behaviors (such as abusing your body with too much or
too little food, alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes, self-mutilation, or being
accident-prone)