It Is The Secret (It Is The Series)

403 Pages·2019·0.883 MB·English

by  Paul Town

IT IS THE SECRET - 1
It Is The Secret
by Paul Town
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IT IS THE SECRET - 2
Introduction
There is no table of contents because there are no
chapters. This is a collection of essays and blurbs that can
be read in any order but will most likely be enjoyed from
front to back.
If you do not enjoy this book, then you did not
understand it properly. Re-read the book until you find it
funny. Once you find it funny, you will understand the book
properly. Until that point, you are missing the whole point
and are just betraying your own ignorance by speaking
negatively of it.
The most important thing about this book is that
you have fun. If you’re not having fun, then you’re missing
out on having fun. Please, for your sake, just sit back and
relax as you read this book. Please, for my sake, have fun
while reading it.
There are grammatical and spelling errors scattered
throughout the book. This is not due to incompetence and
a lack of editing, but rather a meaningful scavenger hunt of
sorts in order to make reading this book a more interactive
and thus compelling experience.
If you want to find out more stuff I’ve made and my
various forms of social media, you can put index.paul.town
into your web browser (mobile or desktop) and you will be
presented with a list of all the different sites I’m running or
have an account on.
I want to thank you for purchasing (or pirating
digitally or stealing physically) this book and giving it your
time. I am excited to finally put out something substantial
that will be seen as the defining written work of the twenty
first century.
I would also like to thank my friends and family
members for putting up with some of my literal insanity
over the past few years. Without being allowed to behave in
ways I would never let others behave, I would have never
arrived in the position I am today. I do not deserve you.
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How People Should Talk
Person 1:
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Person 2:
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Person 1:
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Person 2:
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Person 1:
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Person 2:
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Person 1:
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Person 2:
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GRUNT
Person 1: GRUNT Person 2: GRUNT *Both Leave*
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Good Food
Hello friends, and welcome back to our youtube
channel. Be sure to hit like and subscribe, sit back, and
relax. We’re about to take a deep dish dive into some
fantastic foods found all across this crazy kooky country.
Are you sitting still? Are you strapped in? Hopefully you
are! You’re about to watch me eating food! It looks
delicious to you, doesn’t it? I’m going to get paid because
of ads you watch and you’re going to watch this video of
me eating food!
I hope you like Philly Cheesesteaks, because I’m
about to eat a Philly Cheesesteak. I’m about to shove this
food in my mouth then describe what it’s like to shove this
food in my mouth. You’ll get a mental hint of a taste,
maybe (not really though), and you’ll think back of all the
good times you have associated with this Philly
Cheesesteak I’m eating in front of you. I’ll eat this food
once, then go somewhere else and eat something else, then
do this same process again and again and again. You’ll
keep on spending your time watching videos of me eating.
It’s easier than eating food yourself, and cheaper if you
don’t count the time you’re spending. Whatever you do,
please don’t count the time you’re spending watching me
eat food.
I’m good at doing this and will keep on doing this
for years and maybe even decades. Over time, hundreds of
thousands of people will watch each of my videos. I’ll pay
my editor minimum wage and he’ll spend an hour editing
and then uploading each ten minute video. Then people I
will never meet, but I genuinely care about, will spend a
total of years of time on each video. I will then get paid
because I get lots of money in exchange for people
spending their time watching advertisements.
I’m getting rich off eating food and sucking up your
time and energy and selling it to advertisers. I don’t just do
this through youtube videos of me eating, I do this through
having comment sections on my news sites, discussion
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sections on my websites, group chats on my chatting
software, and pretty much all large scale things that work
through advertising. Make sure to buy a t-shirt in order to
support this channel!
I am a vampire, and the amount of harm I cause is
huge but slightly disguised. People don’t understand what’s
being taken from them because most people are incapable
of connecting any vaguely abstract dots. I’m taking your
time and selling it to people who don’t care about you, but
I definitely care about you. The bigger I get and the more
money I make, the more I care about you. I’ve never done
anything for anybody else in my whole life but I care about
you. Keep giving your time to me, keep letting me sell your
attention to the highest bidder, so you can watch me eat
food.
Java Joes
“Do not talk to me until I have dranken my coffee.”
“You would not like me if you saw me before I have had
my morning cup of dirty brown mud.” “The best part of
waking up in the morning, is that cup of coffee in my cup.”
You’ve heard all the aphorisms. It seems that coffee
drinkers can’t live without their “brown stuff.” At first,
these sayings sound like funny jokes. Then you realize they
aren’t jokes, but rather admissions of pre-meditation with
regards to future acts of terror the coffee drinker is likely to
commit when they finally go ape.
A coffee addict - a sick creature - relishes their
reliance on the dirty stimulant, known as caffeine, to
function. They openly brag about their inability to do basic
tasks like reading emails or modifying excel spreadsheets
(their “job”, if you can call such a pathetic activity a job
rather than charity makework for the developmentally
stunted) under the guise of self effacing humor. “We’re
joking.. but we’re not actually joking so when we snap one
day, we will be able to say we warned you but until we
snap you are not allowed to treat us like the ticking time
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bombs we clearly are without being accused to
overreacting to cliché humor.”
They almost all have dark bags under their eyes.
Their breath smells like rotting death. Their skin: Paper
thin, with veins bulging; ready to burst. Their “coffee
mugs” are all disgusting due to a pathological reliance on
their coffee which doesn’t allow them enough time in
between coffee drinking to wash their mug. Their eyes are
bloodshot and they are constantly manic or talking about
how they have a headache without seeing the controlling
variable: the gap of time between when they last had a “cup
of mud” and now. They are incapable of understanding the
consequences of their actions, so murder or road rage are
never far out of the range of their probable course of action.
Dealing with a Java Joe is a dangerous affair. Always keep
chocolate covered espresso beans in your pocket in case
one goes to attack you. Throw those beans on the ground or
off the edge of a building in case of an attack. While the
addict is distracted you can then retaliate or flee.
Would you trust the judgment of somebody who
boils cabbage then throws out the cabbage, drinks the
cabbage water and calls it a “healthy morning drink”? Of
course not, that sort of person would never be allowed into
the general population. Why are we tolerating people
drinking boiled bean water? Why are we acting like this
bizarre mental malfunction is a healthy way of living? It’s
time to take a stand and stop being friends with Java Joes.
It’s time to stop serving Java Joes at your place of business.
Who knows what other cranial maladaptations they’re
concealing? It’s time we treat Java Joes like second class
citizens and pass legislation to suppress their antisocial
lifestyles before their madness spreads.
People Who Watch Anime Are Either Alpha
Psychopathic Predators Or Beta Nerds
There is no in between. What is the reasoning for
this? Anime targets two crowds: those who are moderately
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intelligent and hopelessly lost in their emotions and are as
a result isolated and lonely, and those who are moderately
intelligent and completely lack emotions and are as a result
completely isolated and not at all lonely and most likely
sell hard drugs to addicts and rob the weak without remorse
or shame.
People Are So Cringe
People are so cringe. They are so embarrassing and
insecure. They make me feel bad for them. I can't help but
laugh at them. Look at how they waste their time obsessed
with other people and hobbies and status and fitting in with
some group. They are so pathetic and weak. I'm glad that I
am not embarrassing or weak-minded or obsessed with
pointless things like these beta virgin non-alpha weaklings.
A Response To A Self Proclaimed Troll
It's extremely disheartening to see messages like
that. Psychically offensive and verbally crass. Like
observing a waiter use your cup of water as a spittoon for
their saliva. I am not angry at you, merely saddened at the
circumstances that lead you to be so uncharitable and
profane in such a manner. But surely, you must see this as
an affront to you?
To the contrary, a man can only cause affront to
himself by acting in a manner soas to dishonor his natural
inclinations and corrupt his internal fortitude. As such, I see
you as a brother in humanity placed here inasmuch as I
have been placed here.
Nobody Is Listening
You talk about things you have no experience with.
Your lived experience is reading other peoples’ writings
while working as a mindless grunt for somebody else.
You’ve never actually done anything interesting or creative.
You’ve never taken actual risks. Traveling or eating food is
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not as interesting as you think it is. You’ve never done
anything that anybody can’t do with disposable income.
You don’t even get that there are things you need to
experience that you can’t pay somebody else for.
There is no barrier to entry for reading. There is no
barrier to entry for listening to music. There is no barrier to
entry for talking about what you read or what you listen to.
There is a barrier to entry for making things people read or
listen to. There is a barrier to entry for doing interesting or
risky things. That’s why you don’t do or make anything
worth anything. You don’t pass the most basic barrier to
entry to being above average. You’re not even human.
You’re just a black hole of time and energy. You’ve never
done anything interesting and you never will. You’re a
complete fraud and everybody who isn’t a fraud can tell.
You’re the collector of things. You are defined by
what you have around you. You have nothing inside you.
You are nobody, nothing, and will never be anything. There
is nothing interesting about you. There will never be
anything interesting about you. Anything you know can
easily be learned by one internet search and fifteen minutes
of reading. You stay in the shallow end of reality because
you lack any ability to do anything productive or abstracted
enough to actually mold reality instead of being molded by
it. That’s why nobody is listening to you and whenever you
venture outside of being a conduit for other peoples’ ideas
you get made fun of. You’re nothing but an inferior version
of Wikipedia.
Sick
Sometimes, you feel sick. Your stomach feels gross.
You want to throw up. You ask yourself, “Why did I eat all
that junk food?” and then you start to cry. You text your
friends and say you can’t hang out with them. Then
something magical happens. You start to feel better. You
don’t feel sick anymore. Now you have a whole night to do
whatever you want to do, and you feel great. Since you
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didn’t go out to hang out with your friends, you didn’t
spend money.
That money that you didn’t spend now goes into
high yield investments that will turn you into a millionaire
before a year or two is up. That time you spent writing an
essay instead of going out to eat with “friends” who you
don’t actually care about? That will be returned to you
thousandfold when your book comes out and you become
a millionaire and women who see that you’re a famous
author all want to sleep with you.
Now, in the future, unlike the past, when friends ask
if you want to “hang out”, you’ll feel sick at the thought of
not staying home, of not never leaving your house, and not
shutting yourself out from the entire world. Every penny
you don’t put into crypto-currency, you will hate yourself
for in a decade. And all of this because you are a forward
thinker, a genius, and got sick from eating too much
unhealthy food once.
There’s no way that being anti-social will ever
come back to bite you. There’s no way that your dreams
won’t pan out. Just trust the plan and keep your head down
and keep tap tap tapping away at your keyboard for hours.
What’s the worst that could happen? Wasting your life for
a pointless exercise in futility? Who cares? Not you, you’re
sick in the head and you’re destined for greatness. How do
you know? It doesn’t matter, you are the exception and
that’s just a fact.
Seeing This
Hey, come over here, I need to show you
something. Are you seeing this? This is so sickening, look
at it. What the hell is wrong with people? Look at this!
Wow I can’t believe people do this. Are you seeing what
I’m seeing. Look, there’s even more. I feel sick. I’m going
to throw up. But I can’t stop looking at this disgusting stuff.
What is wrong with people? Do they not have self control?
Do they really get pleasure from doing such unhealthy
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