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198 Pages·2009·0.72 MB·English
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Intimacy and Power The Dynamics of Personal Relationships in Modern Society Derek Layder Intimacy and Power Also by Derek Layder STRUCTURE, INTERACTION AND SOCIAL THEORY THE REALIST IMAGE IN SOCIAL SCIENCE NEW STRATEGIES IN SOCIAL RESEARCH UNDERSTANDING SOCIAL THEORY METHODS, SEX AND MADNESS (with J. O’Connell-Davidson) MODERN SOCIAL THEORY SOCIOLOGICAL PRACTICE SOCIAL AND PERSONAL IDENTITY EMOTION IN SOCIAL LIFE Intimacy and Power The Dynamics of Personal Relationships in Modern Society Derek Layder University of Leicester, UK © Derek Layder 2009 Softcover reprint of the hardcover 1st edition 2009 978-0-230-57956-9 All rights reserved. No reproduction, copy or transmission of this publication may be made without written permission. No portion of this publication may be reproduced, copied or transmitted save with written permission or in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, or under the terms of any licence permitting limited copying issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages. The author has asserted his right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. First published 2009 by PALGRAVE MACMILLAN Palgrave Macmillan in the UK is an imprint of Macmillan Publishers Limited, registered in England, company number 785998, of Houndmills, Basingstoke, Hampshire RG21 6XS. Palgrave Macmillan in the US is a division of St Martin’s Press LLC, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10010. Palgrave Macmillan is the global academic imprint of the above companies and has companies and representatives throughout the world. Palgrave® and Macmillan® are registered trademarks in the United States, the United Kingdom, Europe and other countries. ISBN 978-1-349-36820-4 ISBN 978-0-230-24514-3 (eBook) DOI 10.1057/9780230245143 This book is printed on paper suitable for recycling and made from fully managed and sustained forest sources. Logging, pulping and manufacturing processes are expected to conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. A catalog record for this book is available from the Library of Congress. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 09 Contents Preface and Acknowledgements vi 1 Understanding Couple Intimacy 1 2 The Varieties of Couple Intimacy 10 3 Psycho-Emotional Needs 36 4 Intimacy and Interpersonal Control 51 5 Gender, Intimacy Styles and Skills 63 6 Arguments, Indirectness and Non-Disclosure 84 7 Personal Strategies and Repertoires 98 8 Deficit or Energy-Draining Games 113 9 Energising Games 130 10 The Erosion of Intimacy 146 11 The Nature of Modern Intimacy 160 12 Intimacy, Power and Social Domains 170 Bibliography 180 Index 184 v Preface and Acknowledgements This book is about the intimacy and power games that underpin personal relationships between couples (and, to a lesser extent, friends) in the modern world. It focuses primarily, but not exclusively, on the interpersonal dynamics of relationships between couples (and friends) by asking questions such as ‘How is intimacy “achieved”? How do peo- ple make close relationships work? What happens when their intimacy stalls, or breaks down completely?’ These are serious analytic questions for any science of human behaviour, but are infrequently broached by sociologists. Yet such questions are too important to be left entirely to self-help gurus and writers of popular psychology (which is not to deny the usefulness of some of their contributions). For these and other reasons, this book concentrates on a fairly restricted band of interest in intimacy compared with the potential spread of sociological enquiry. In this respect it is not a critical overview of existing social research on the many different facets of intimacy. As I’ve already said, it mainly concerns intimacy in couples and friendship and, as such, it does not cover issues about parenting or parent–child interactions. Nor is it explicitly about the role of sexuality in intimacy – although obviously it is assumed that sexuality frequently plays a major role in couple intimacy in a way that it doesn’t in friendships. Follow- ing from this, the book does not explore contrasts between heterosexual and same sex relationships. It is assumed that although there may be differences between them, they share much in common in terms of the human experience of intimacy. Gender issues do figure quite prominently in the discussion. However, the main focus is on the debate about the extent to which differences in intimacy skills and the negotiation of intimate relationships result from gender influences. The question of gender roles (such as the persistence of notions of ‘female housewives’ versus ‘male earners’) within marriage or cohabitation, or the topic of gender inequalities and exploitation, is not explicitly examined. The main concerns are about how couples (and/or friends) communicate with each other in the context of differ- ent types of intimacy and the typical confusions, problems and conflicts that arise. vi Preface and Acknowledgements vii Intimacy involves personal closeness – both physical, and psycho- emotional – and in this sense, many aspects of human contact may be defined as intimate. Thus it is common to speak of having ‘intimate con- versations’ or sharing intimate situations – even with people we might otherwise regard as strangers. Such interactions occur regularly in gym changing rooms, on aircraft, trains, buses, and in many public spaces. Now while it may be that a ‘version’ of ‘intimacy’ is shared in such instances, it is, nonetheless, usually fleeting and, as I say, often involves individuals who aren’t particularly well known to each other. Both char- acteristics make this phenomenon very different from that which is the focus of this book. Here the concern is with intimate relationships sustained over time by deep mutual (psycho-emotional) knowledge. ‘Self-disclosure’ (Giddens 1992) and ‘disclosing intimacy’ (Jamieson 1998) are terms that have been used to characterise close relation- ships in the modern world. Unfortunately, these terms do not distin- guish between perfunctory or superficial self-disclosure – of the kind frequently present in fleeting moments of ‘intimacy’ – and a more profound kind of self-revelation stemming from sustained contact, shared experience and deep mutual knowledge. Both for this reason and because (as I go on to show), the extent and form of self-disclosure in modern couple intimacy varies considerably, I prefer to talk of ‘deep knowledge intimacy’ rather than self-disclosure or disclosing intimacy. Finally, there are many people – too numerous to mention – who have influenced my thinking on intimacy over the years and to whom I am grateful. More specifically, I would like to thank Barbara Misztal for her comments on earlier drafts of what now appear as parts of Chapters 1 and 12. Also, Nicky Drucquer provided a thorough and perceptive com- mentary on most of the chapters as they appeared in earlier forms. Her insightful comments helped me greatly in reformulating some of the ideas. 1 Understanding Couple Intimacy Since its earliest beginnings a prominent theme in sociological analysis has been to document the cataclysmic social changes that have accom- panied the transition from pre-modern (traditional) societies to their modern and late modern forms. A concern with the profound changes in social relationships that resulted from this transition is reflected in the work of the classical sociologists Comte, Durkheim, Marx, Weber and Simmel. Such an emphasis has also been present in the writings of subsequent authors such as Parsons and Elias. In a similar fashion, recent sociological works, particularly by Giddens (1991, 1992) and Beck and Beck-Gernsheim (1995), are themed around the issue of how intimacy has been changed by the structural transition to modernity. These authors have stressed the way in which traditional constraints and expectations have been stripped away to leave intimate relationships bereft of such external supports. They have identified the emergence of what they call ‘the pure relationship’, which has meant that inti- mate relationships have become increasingly fragile, as their external anchorages have fallen away. I shall have reason to discuss the pure relationship at many points in this book. However, in so doing I shall be more concerned with the nature of the pure relationship and its implications for personal and social experience than with the question of how intimacy has changed from pre-modern to modern times. In particular, I focus on how the pure relationship measures up against what we know of the interpersonal dynamics of intimacy, as they are experienced in the modern world. This entails something of a shift of emphasis away from a concern with social structural matters – involved in the transition from traditional to modern societies – to a relatively greater concern with understanding intimacy as an interpersonal transaction. 1 2 Intimacy and Power However, in suggesting this, I am by no means advocating that interpersonal dynamics are the exclusive outcome of ‘internal’ situa- tional factors. Of course, historical developments in social structure and culture are extremely important but these ‘external’ factors must be understood in combination with equally important subjective psycho- logical factors, as well as the dynamics of socially situated behaviour. In this respect, what I call the theory of social domains (Layder 1997) fur- nishes the underlying explanatory framework of this study. While this remains largely in the background its influence is critical. More gen- erally, however, intimacy cannot be properly understood without due attention to the interpersonal dealings and transactions which are, in fact, its primary means of expression. In short, the way people ‘do’, or ‘enact’, intimacy is of paramount importance to understanding its nature. Variations in couple intimacy Chapter 2 begins with an overview of Giddens’ (1991, 1992) and Beck and Beck-Gernsheim’s (1995) accounts of the emergence of the pure relationship in the modern era, but quickly moves on to a critical com- mentary on them. This critique draws from ‘alternative’ empirical data on couple relationships – reinforced by other critical voices – which suggest a somewhat different story about the nature of modern inti- macy. The point is not to question the historical basis of Giddens’ and Beck and Beck-Gernsheim’s accounts of the transition from intimacy in traditional society to the modern pure relationship. However, a close examination of the empirical material reveals that the complex experi- ential character of modern couple intimacy differs from that suggested by the pure relationship. Reibstein’s (1997) study of protective dependent love, Marshall’s (2006) research on the problems that couples have in sustaining opti- mal intimacy over the longer term, along with Miller’s research on what he calls ‘intimate terrorism’, provide detailed and vivid evocations of these alternative visions of intimacy. Along with Jamieson’s (1998, 1999) extensive review of work on different aspects of intimacy and Craib’s (1998) critique of Giddens, the evidence suggests that modern couple intimacy is rather more complex, plural and nuanced than is suggested by the pure relationship. On this basis Chapter 2 goes on to outline six qualitatively different types of intimate relationship. In this sense, modern intimacy is to be understood not as a unitary ‘pure relationship’ but as a series of types whose characteristics may vary

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