Intimacy and Power: The Dynamics of Personal Relationships in Modern Society

198 Pages·2009·0.72 MB·English

by  Derek Layder (auth.)

Intimacy and Power
The Dynamics of Personal Relationships
in Modern Society
Derek Layder
Intimacy and Power
Also by Derek Layder
STRUCTURE, INTERACTION AND SOCIAL THEORY
THE REALIST IMAGE IN SOCIAL SCIENCE
NEW STRATEGIES IN SOCIAL RESEARCH
UNDERSTANDING SOCIAL THEORY
METHODS, SEX AND MADNESS (with J. O’Connell-Davidson)
MODERN SOCIAL THEORY
SOCIOLOGICAL PRACTICE
SOCIAL AND PERSONAL IDENTITY
EMOTION IN SOCIAL LIFE
Intimacy and Power
The Dynamics of Personal Relationships
in Modern Society
Derek Layder
University of Leicester, UK
© Derek Layder 2009
Softcover reprint of the hardcover 1st edition 2009 978-0-230-57956-9
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Contents
Preface and Acknowledgements vi
1 Understanding Couple Intimacy 1
2 The Varieties of Couple Intimacy 10
3 Psycho-Emotional Needs 36
4 Intimacy and Interpersonal Control 51
5 Gender, Intimacy Styles and Skills 63
6 Arguments, Indirectness and Non-Disclosure 84
7 Personal Strategies and Repertoires 98
8 Deficit or Energy-Draining Games 113
9 Energising Games 130
10 The Erosion of Intimacy 146
11 The Nature of Modern Intimacy 160
12 Intimacy, Power and Social Domains 170
Bibliography 180
Index 184
v
Preface and Acknowledgements
This book is about the intimacy and power games that underpin
personal relationships between couples (and, to a lesser extent, friends)
in the modern world. It focuses primarily, but not exclusively, on the
interpersonal dynamics of relationships between couples (and friends)
by asking questions such as ‘How is intimacy “achieved”? How do peo-
ple make close relationships work? What happens when their intimacy
stalls, or breaks down completely?’ These are serious analytic questions
for any science of human behaviour, but are infrequently broached by
sociologists. Yet such questions are too important to be left entirely to
self-help gurus and writers of popular psychology (which is not to deny
the usefulness of some of their contributions).
For these and other reasons, this book concentrates on a fairly
restricted band of interest in intimacy compared with the potential
spread of sociological enquiry. In this respect it is not a critical overview
of existing social research on the many different facets of intimacy. As
I’ve already said, it mainly concerns intimacy in couples and friendship
and, as such, it does not cover issues about parenting or parent–child
interactions. Nor is it explicitly about the role of sexuality in intimacy –
although obviously it is assumed that sexuality frequently plays a major
role in couple intimacy in a way that it doesn’t in friendships. Follow-
ing from this, the book does not explore contrasts between heterosexual
and same sex relationships. It is assumed that although there may be
differences between them, they share much in common in terms of the
human experience of intimacy.
Gender issues do figure quite prominently in the discussion. However,
the main focus is on the debate about the extent to which differences in
intimacy skills and the negotiation of intimate relationships result from
gender influences. The question of gender roles (such as the persistence
of notions of ‘female housewives’ versus ‘male earners’) within marriage
or cohabitation, or the topic of gender inequalities and exploitation,
is not explicitly examined. The main concerns are about how couples
(and/or friends) communicate with each other in the context of differ-
ent types of intimacy and the typical confusions, problems and conflicts
that arise.
vi
Preface and Acknowledgements vii
Intimacy involves personal closeness – both physical, and psycho-
emotional – and in this sense, many aspects of human contact may be
defined as intimate. Thus it is common to speak of having ‘intimate con-
versations’ or sharing intimate situations – even with people we might
otherwise regard as strangers. Such interactions occur regularly in gym
changing rooms, on aircraft, trains, buses, and in many public spaces.
Now while it may be that a ‘version’ of ‘intimacy’ is shared in such
instances, it is, nonetheless, usually fleeting and, as I say, often involves
individuals who aren’t particularly well known to each other. Both char-
acteristics make this phenomenon very different from that which is
the focus of this book. Here the concern is with intimate relationships
sustained over time by deep mutual (psycho-emotional) knowledge.
‘Self-disclosure’ (Giddens 1992) and ‘disclosing intimacy’ (Jamieson
1998) are terms that have been used to characterise close relation-
ships in the modern world. Unfortunately, these terms do not distin-
guish between perfunctory or superficial self-disclosure – of the kind
frequently present in fleeting moments of ‘intimacy’ – and a more
profound kind of self-revelation stemming from sustained contact,
shared experience and deep mutual knowledge. Both for this reason and
because (as I go on to show), the extent and form of self-disclosure in
modern couple intimacy varies considerably, I prefer to talk of ‘deep
knowledge intimacy’ rather than self-disclosure or disclosing intimacy.
Finally, there are many people – too numerous to mention – who have
influenced my thinking on intimacy over the years and to whom I am
grateful. More specifically, I would like to thank Barbara Misztal for her
comments on earlier drafts of what now appear as parts of Chapters 1
and 12. Also, Nicky Drucquer provided a thorough and perceptive com-
mentary on most of the chapters as they appeared in earlier forms. Her
insightful comments helped me greatly in reformulating some of the
ideas.
1
Understanding Couple Intimacy
Since its earliest beginnings a prominent theme in sociological analysis
has been to document the cataclysmic social changes that have accom-
panied the transition from pre-modern (traditional) societies to their
modern and late modern forms. A concern with the profound changes
in social relationships that resulted from this transition is reflected in
the work of the classical sociologists Comte, Durkheim, Marx, Weber
and Simmel. Such an emphasis has also been present in the writings
of subsequent authors such as Parsons and Elias. In a similar fashion,
recent sociological works, particularly by Giddens (1991, 1992) and
Beck and Beck-Gernsheim (1995), are themed around the issue of how
intimacy has been changed by the structural transition to modernity.
These authors have stressed the way in which traditional constraints and
expectations have been stripped away to leave intimate relationships
bereft of such external supports. They have identified the emergence
of what they call ‘the pure relationship’, which has meant that inti-
mate relationships have become increasingly fragile, as their external
anchorages have fallen away.
I shall have reason to discuss the pure relationship at many points
in this book. However, in so doing I shall be more concerned with the
nature of the pure relationship and its implications for personal and
social experience than with the question of how intimacy has changed
from pre-modern to modern times. In particular, I focus on how the pure
relationship measures up against what we know of the interpersonal
dynamics of intimacy, as they are experienced in the modern world.
This entails something of a shift of emphasis away from a concern with
social structural matters – involved in the transition from traditional
to modern societies – to a relatively greater concern with understanding
intimacy as an interpersonal transaction.
1
2 Intimacy and Power
However, in suggesting this, I am by no means advocating that
interpersonal dynamics are the exclusive outcome of ‘internal’ situa-
tional factors. Of course, historical developments in social structure and
culture are extremely important but these ‘external’ factors must be
understood in combination with equally important subjective psycho-
logical factors, as well as the dynamics of socially situated behaviour. In
this respect, what I call the theory of social domains (Layder 1997) fur-
nishes the underlying explanatory framework of this study. While this
remains largely in the background its influence is critical. More gen-
erally, however, intimacy cannot be properly understood without due
attention to the interpersonal dealings and transactions which are, in
fact, its primary means of expression. In short, the way people ‘do’,
or ‘enact’, intimacy is of paramount importance to understanding its
nature.
Variations in couple intimacy
Chapter 2 begins with an overview of Giddens’ (1991, 1992) and Beck
and Beck-Gernsheim’s (1995) accounts of the emergence of the pure
relationship in the modern era, but quickly moves on to a critical com-
mentary on them. This critique draws from ‘alternative’ empirical data
on couple relationships – reinforced by other critical voices – which
suggest a somewhat different story about the nature of modern inti-
macy. The point is not to question the historical basis of Giddens’ and
Beck and Beck-Gernsheim’s accounts of the transition from intimacy in
traditional society to the modern pure relationship. However, a close
examination of the empirical material reveals that the complex experi-
ential character of modern couple intimacy differs from that suggested
by the pure relationship.
Reibstein’s (1997) study of protective dependent love, Marshall’s
(2006) research on the problems that couples have in sustaining opti-
mal intimacy over the longer term, along with Miller’s research on
what he calls ‘intimate terrorism’, provide detailed and vivid evocations
of these alternative visions of intimacy. Along with Jamieson’s (1998,
1999) extensive review of work on different aspects of intimacy and
Craib’s (1998) critique of Giddens, the evidence suggests that modern
couple intimacy is rather more complex, plural and nuanced than is
suggested by the pure relationship. On this basis Chapter 2 goes on
to outline six qualitatively different types of intimate relationship. In
this sense, modern intimacy is to be understood not as a unitary ‘pure
relationship’ but as a series of types whose characteristics may vary