Interpersonal Rejection

347 Pages·2001·18.658 MB·English

by  Mark R. Leary

INTERPERSONAL REJECTION
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INTERPERSONAL REJECTION
Edited by Mark R. Leary
OXFORD
UNIVERSITY PRESS
2001
OXFORD
UNIVERSITY PRESS
Oxford New York
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Copyright © 2001 by Oxford University Press
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Interpersonal rejection / edited by Mark R. Leary,
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 0-19-513014-6
1. Rejection (Psychology) I. Leary, Mark R.
BF575.R35158 2000
158.2—dc21 00-025023
9 8 7 6 5 4 3 21
Printed in the United States of America
on acid-free paper
Preface
Imagine for a moment that an extraterrestrial psychologist visited Earth to
study the social behavior of the human beings who live here. Before study-
ing us directly, the alien researcher would undoubtedly read the existing lit-
erature on human behavior, looking for information about why human be-
ings behave as they do. Reading the research literature, our visitor would
quickly learn much about the motives that underlie and guide human be-
havior—motives involving, for example, control, power, self-esteem, auton-
omy, self-consistency, and so on. However, once the extraterrestrial set out
to observe and study us directly, it would still be unprepared to understand
what it saw.
Based on what it read in the literature, the visitor might be very surprised
about certain aspects of people's social relationships, including the sheer
amount of time that people spend relating to one another, seeking other peo-
ple's attention, vying for their approval, and trying to be liked and accepted.
It would observe that humans do not interact with an endless stream of dif-
ferent individuals but rather move in and out of interactions with people
with whom they already have ongoing relationships. The alien would also
see that we have many different kinds of relationships—with mates, off-
spring, other family members, close friends, casual friends, authority figures,
subordinates, group members, co-workers, team members, and so on—but
would observe that, in all of them, people typically behave in ways that main-
tain those relationships (even unsatisfying relationships). In fact, people
would be observed doing things to avoid being rejected from groups and re-
lationships, things sometimes not in the best interests of themselves or oth-
ers. Furthermore, assuming that it could read our minds (as an alien un-
doubtedly could), our friend might see that Earthlings often worry about
being rejected and suffer distress when other people reject them.
Returning to its home planet, the alien might wonder why human psy-
chologists seemingly have not recognized that human beings have a perva-
sive need to be accepted and valued by other people and an equally perva-
sive aversion to being rejected by other members of their species. (For
example, few textbooks in social psychology give any indication that people
are concerned about being accepted.) To be sure, theorists have discussed the
vi Preface
bonds that develop between parents and their offspring and the difficulties
that parental rejection creates. Furthermore, researchers have studied the
causes and consequences of peer rejection among children and rejection in
romantic relationships. In addition, the approval motivation literature at
least acknowledges that people seek positive reactions from others. But,
these isolated pockets of work aside, we have seemed to miss the big picture:
human beings have a strong and pervasive drive to be accepted in virtually
all of their interpersonal relationships, and this motive underlies much of
their behavior. Of course, being accepted is only one of our goals. Yet, what-
ever else they may be doing, people typically try to behave in ways that will
not jeopardize their social acceptance and lead to rejection.
The impetus for this book came from my realization that psychologists
and other behavioral researchers have collectively underestimated the im-
portance of actual, potential, and imagined rejection in human behavior. My
hope was that a volume on Interpersonal Rejection would pull together ex-
isting work on rejection from psychological specialties (specifically, social,
developmental, and personality psychology) and would also stimulate fur-
ther scholarly interest in the topic.
Chapter 1 sets the stage for the book by critically examining the concept
of interpersonal rejection. Because the term "rejection" has an all-or-nothing
quality that makes it difficult to measure and study, I conceptualize accep-
tance and rejection as points along a continuum of relational evaluation, or
the degree to which another person regards his or her relationship with an
individual as valuable, important, or close. All rejection-related phenomena
involve low relational evaluation, and reactions to rejection can be viewed
as responses to perceiving that other people do not adequately value their re-
lationships with the individual.
In chapter 2, Kip Williams and Lisa Zadro examine social ostracism.
Williams and his colleagues have pursued research on ostracism for several
years, and this chapter provides an excellent, integrative review of what they
have learned. Two points about the research described in this chapter are par-
ticularly notable: it relies on a wide array of research approaches to study os-
tracism in both laboratory and real-life settings, and it provides researchers
with several fascinating paradigms for ethically ostracizing participants in
experimental research.
Although all rejection is distressing, there is something particularly poig-
nant about instances in which the rejected individual is in love with the per-
son who rejected them. Chapter 3, by Roy Baumeister and Dawn Dhavale,
broadly treats unrequited love and romantic rejection. Of particular interest
in this chapter is Baumeister and Dale's discussion of how the perceptions
and experiences of the rejected person differ from those of the rejector. These
differences in perceptions likely occur in most instances of interpersonal re-
jection and have implications for resolution of rejection episodes.
Betrayal is typically thought of as a breach of trust (which it is), but Julie
Fitness suggests that much of the distress of being betrayed arises from the
Preface vii
feeling that one is not valued and accepted. In chapter 4, Fitness uses an in-
terpersonal script approach to examine recent research on betrayal. Fitness's
insight is that the reactions of people in betrayal episodes (and presumably
rejection episodes more generally) reflect individuals' socially shared beliefs
about betrayal and how people should respond to such events.
In chapter 5, Steven Asher, Amanda Rose, and Sonda Gabriel examine re-
jection among children. (Asher and his colleagues have been interested in
peer rejection for many years; in fact, Asher was co-editor of one of the
few volumes that have studied rejection.) In this chapter, Asher, Rose, and
Gabriel report on an extensive study of peer rejection in elementary school
and provide a comprehensive and detailed taxonomy of rejection behaviors
that not only contributes to our understanding of childhood peer rejection
but undoubtedly will facilitate future research in this area.
The four chapters in part 2 deal with the immediate and long-term con-
sequences of being rejected. In chapter 6, Erika Koch, Nancy Hechenbleikner,
and I point out that a great deal of human emotion centers around real, an-
ticipated, perceived, and potential rejection. We then examine several emo-
tions—sadness, loneliness, hurt feelings, jealousy, guilt, shame, embarrass-
ment, and social anxiety—and show how each arises from rejection (or, more
accurately, from perceived low relational evaluation). Finally, we speculate
on how these rejection emotions differ in terms of their associated cognitive
appraisals and action tendencies.
Starting with the premise that rejection threatens people's self-esteem,
Kristin Sommer devotes chapter 7 to ego-defensive strategies people use
in the face of real and potential rejection. Distinguishing between self-en-
hancement and self-protection defenses, Sommer describes common ways in
which people manage rejection in their important relationships, including
maladaptive responses. She also addresses the topic of rejection in the work-
place, an arena that warrants research focus.
In chapter 8, Carol Miller and Cheryl Kaiser examine how people deal
with being stigmatized. Stigmatization invariably involves rejection, but un-
like cases in which people are rejected because of others' idiosyncratic pref-
erences, Stigmatization is rooted in widely accepted beliefs and values. As a
result, stigmatized people face negative reactions from many individuals.
Miller and Kaiser apply recent insights in attachment theory to the question
of why some targets of Stigmatization cope more effectively with others' re-
actions than other targets. They conclude that differences in stigmatized in-
dividuals' mental models of themselves and of other people underlie differ-
ences in how they react to being stigmatized.
To date, the greatest amount of research on the topic of rejection has in-
volved the effects of peer rejection on children's well-being. In chapter 9,
McDougall, Hymel, Vaillancourt, and Mercer review this literature, showing
us what we have learned about the consequences of childhood peer rejection
since the publication of Parker and Asher's influential review in the mid-
1980s. The authors examine both intrapersonal, internalizing problems that
viii Preface
arise from peer rejection (such as depression, loneliness, poor self-concept,
and psychopathology) and interpersonal, externalizing problems (such as ag-
gression, school misbehavior, delinquency, and criminality).
People obviously react differently to instances of rejection, and the chap-
ters in part 3 focus specifically on these individual differences. In chapter
10, Levy, Ayduk, and Downey examine individual differences in rejection
sensitivity. Since Downey and Feldman's publication of the Rejection Sen-
sitivity Scale in 1996, rejection sensitivity has been widely studied, and this
chapter reviews what we know about rejection-sensitive people. Sadly, one
consistent finding from this research is that highly rejection-sensitive people
often behave in ways that ultimately lead others to reject them.
Chapter 11, by Kristine Kelly, concludes the book with a look at individ-
ual differences in reactions to rejection. After discussing the nature of rejec-
tion events, Kelly discusses common emotional, cognitive, and behavioral
reactions to rejection and personality characteristics that moderate these re-
actions. Among the characteristics that she examines are trait self-esteem,
narcissism, attachment style, trait social anxiety, depression, perceived so-
cial support, and gender.
Working with this group of authors has been an exceptionally rewarding
experience, and I thank them for the time, effort, and expertise they invested
in this project. Collectively, we hope that this volume will not only rectify
the long-standing neglect of rejection as an important human experience but
also stimulate future interest in this topic.
Winston-Salem, NC M.R.L.
September, 1999
Contents
Contributors xi
Part I. Varieties of Interpersonal Rejection
1. Toward a Conceptualization of Interpersonal Rejection 3
Mark R. Leary
2. Ostracism: On Being Ignored, Excluded, and Rejected 21
Kipling D. Williams and Lisa Zadro
3. Two Sides of Romantic Rejection 55
Roy F. Baumeister and Dawn Dhavale
4. Betrayal, Rejection, Revenge, and Forgiveness: An Interpersonal
Script Approach 73
Julie Fitness
5. Peer Rejection in Everyday Life 105
Steven R. Asher, Amanda J. Rose, and Sonda W. Gabriel
Part 2. Dealing with Rejection: Immediate and Long-Term Reactions
6. Emotional Responses to Interpersonal Rejection 145
Mark R. Leary, Erika J. Koch, and Nancy R. Hechenbleikner
7. Coping with Rejection: Ego-Defensive Strategies, Self-Esteem,
and Interpersonal Relationships 167
Kristin Sommer
8. Implications of Mental Models of Self and Others for the Targets
of Stigmatization 189
Carol T. Miller and Cheryl R. Kaiser