Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men

159 Pages·2010·2.71 MB·English

by  Martin Ucik

D
EDICATION

To all women, especially my mother Renate and my daughters Laura, Lisa, and Anna Lea. I love you very much.
A
CKNOWLEDGMENTS

My gratitude goes to the women who gave me firsthand experiences of how wonderful, challenging, rewarding, and painful relationships can be,
and so inspired me to grow in consciousness to become a better man. You know who you are if you happen to get a copy of this manual. Liza
Braude-Glidden for her loving friendship, for introducing me to Ken Wilber’s work, and for the early encouragement; Christel Rene and Kim Hansen
for spending countless hours on hikes while discussing ideas as the manual took shape; John McCoy, Bill Henderson, and Frederick Ernst for
proofreading the first drafts; my friends at the Santa Rosa Integral Salon for their wisdom, support, feedback, and encouragement; the countless
men and women who shared their relationship experiences with me in groups and individual sessions; Ken Wilber for the Integral Model that this
manual is based on; the many authors whose writings provided the wisdom that allowed me to fill in the blanks (see Appendix I and the
Bibliography); Mark Johnson, Bruce Kunkel, Professor Allan Combs, Steve Blackmer, and Gore Yaswen for peer reviews; Rebecca Davenport for
proofreading the final manuscript; Annette Berlin for the cover design and inside illustrations, Renate Elhardt for text layout and additional
illustrations, and last but not least Harriett Hardman for her guidance and excellent editing.
T C
ABLE OF ONTENTS

Title Page
Dedication
Acknowledgments
List of Figures
List of Tables
Preface
Introduction
A Few Facts and Figures
The Integral Approach
The Integral Relationship Model
Some Notes About This Manual
A Final Suggestion
Chapter 1: Understanding the Dimensions of Love
The Spiritual Dimension of Love
The Evolving Physical and Psychological Dimensions of Love
In Summary
PART I – THE BIOLOGICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL MAKEUP OF MEN AND WOMEN

Chapter 2: Understanding the Differences Between the Sexes
Sex: Physical/Biological Differences Between Males and Females (Body)
Gender: Cultural/Learned Differences Between Men and Women (Mind)
Polarities: Masculine/Feminine Potentials for Both Sexes (Soul)
In Summary
Chapter 3: Lines of Development for Human Intelligences
The Many Facets of Humanness
Building Relationships through Shared or Compatible Passions and Interests
Identifying and Discussing Capacities, Values and Ideals
Talking About Needs and Neediness
Opening Up to Feelings
In Summary
Chapter 4: Levels of Growth
Consciousness Development (Colors)
Spiritual Development
Development of Sexuality
Anima and Animus Complex Development
In Summary
Chapter 5: States of Falling in Love
Phase 1 – Lust
Phase 2 – Romance
Phase 3 – Commitment
Your Gift That Keeps On Giving
Addicted to Love
Integrating Chemistry with Reason
In Summary
Chapter 6: Evaluating Personality Types
NLP Types
Five Love Languages
The Enneagram
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
Astrology
Other Types and Beliefs
In Summary
Conclusion Part I
PART II – MEN AND WOMEN COMING TOGETHER

Chapter 7: Primary Fantasy and Personality
Attractiveness at Different Levels of Consciousness
Personality Matrix
In Summary
Chapter 8: Our Drive To Connect
Holons, Always Partial, Already Whole
Characteristics of Individual Holons
Social Holons
In Summary
Chapter 9: Passion/Intimacy/Dependence
The Three Sides of the Triangle
The Eight Forms of Love
Aligning His and Her Triangles
In Summary
Chapter 10: Differences in Male and Female Consciousness Development
The Male-Female Co-Creation of Consciousness
From Archaic to Transpersonal
Transcend and Include/Exclude
Feminine Flow and Masculine Structure Create the River
Errors Along the Way
Ladder, Climber, View
Psychological Healing
In Summary
Conclusion Part II
PART III – APPLYING THE INTEGRAL RELATIONSHIP MODEL IN THE REAL WORLD

Chapter 11: Where Am I Coming From? Where Is She Coming From?
What is a Kosmic Address?
Identifying Her Perspective and Level of Consciousness
Identifying Her Spiritual State-Stage
Identifying Her Sexual Stage
Identifying Her Animus Complex
Identifying Her Type
In Summary
Chapter 12: Locating Your Partner and Yourself on the Compatibility Matrix
Conflict Resolution and Forgiveness
To Be or Not To Be—That Is the Question
In Summary
Chapter 13: Dating Using the Integral Relationship Model
The Integral Approach
Dating Strategies
Internet Dating
In Summary
Conclusion Part III
Epilogue
Appendix I: Relationship Books for All Levels/Colors
Books for Red Singles
Books for Amber Couples
Books for Single Amber Women
Books for Orange Couples
Books for Orange Single Women
Books for Orange Single Women and Men
A Book for Orange Single Men
Books for Green Singles and Couples
Books for Green Singles
A Book for Green Men
Conclusion to Appendix I
Appendix II: Links and References
Footnotes
Endnotes
Bibliography
About the Author
Copyright & Permissions
Backcover
L F
IST OF IGURES

Figure 1: The model with man and woman in spiritual context
Figure 2: The model with body and mind
Figure 3: The model with feminine and masculine polarities
Figure 4: The model with lines and levels of development
Figure 5: The model with Primary Fantasy, Personality Matrix, and Triangles of Love
Figure 6: The complete model with Kosmic Address and Compatibility Matrix
Figure 7: Man and woman in spiritual context
Figure 8: The core elements of men and women
Figure 9: Body/mind of men and women
Figure 10: The four polarities of both sexes
Figure 11: The four polarities
Figure 12: Understanding ascending, descending, agency, and communion
Figure 13: The elevator metaphor for mutual exclusivity
Figure 14: The mutual exclusivity of the four polarities
Figure 15: Graph showing an individual’s development on various lines
Figure 16: A summary of spiritual levels in world religions
Figure 17: The Enneagram
Figure 18: Integrating the Primary Fantasy and Personality Matrix through Triangles of Love
Figure 19: Divergence in male/female Primary Fantasy
Figure 20: The Personality Matrix—allowing you to map your and her development
Figure 21: Example showing nested holons
Figure 22: The four quadrants of individual holons.
Figure 23: Characteristics of each quadrant
Figure 24: The four quadrants applied to individual holons
Figure 25: Every human possesses four quadrants
Figure 26: Example of dancing couple and the four polarities
Figure 27: The passion/intimacy/dependence triangle
Figure 28: Examples of differently shaped triangles of love
Figure 29: The eight forms of love
Figure 30: Each lover experiences passion, intimacy, and dependence to various degrees.
Figure 31: Examples showing two triangles overlaid to evaluate the form and quality of love that is experienced
Figure 32: Joke about divergent psychological complexity of men and women
Figure 33: Male-female dynamic in consciousness growth
Figure 34: Compatibility Matrix for men and women at different levels of consciousness development
Figure 35: Global challenges facing humanity
L T
IST OF ABLES

Table 1: List of passions and interests
Table 2: List of capacities, values, and ideals
Table 3: List of needs
Table 4: List of interpretations versus feelings
Table 5: Developmental stages, their colors, and proportions of U.S. population
Table 6: Fear and desire to be in partnership or alone
P
REFACE

The proof of the depth and embodiment of your realization will be seen in your love relationship. That’s where the proof is in the pudding. If
it all collapses in your relationship, you have some work to do. And people do have a lot of difficulties in their relationships.
~ Adyashanti ~

On July 15, 2006, a woman that I loved and felt truly happy with left me. Until she walked out, I believed that we were in a good place. We seemed
to be compatible in almost spooky ways, she loved me (or so she said), we lived together, held good day jobs, and, ironically enough, shared in
running singles2couples.org, an Association for Healthy Relationships. A week before her departure we had returned from a romantic trip to Paris
and a vacation with our children in Germany, where I introduced her to my family who also fell in love with her.

Through books, groups, workshops, therapy, a spiritual path, and previous relationships (among them a 14-year marriage with three children) I
had already practiced how to overcome my commitment phobia, as well as how to love unconditionally, communicate compassionately, be
emotionally available, engage in tantric lovemaking, resolve conflicts, do my share of the housework, and put down the toilet seat.

Still she left. What the §$%& ?!?!?!

I felt by turns bewildered, ashamed, angry, frustrated, and sad. Six weeks after the breakup, I sat on my bedroom floor, contemplating what had
happened to us.

Earlier that year, I had become an avid student of Ken Wilber’s Integral Model of human growth and potentials. All of a sudden I had an epiphany
that his insights not only held the answer to my burning question why there are so many singles and unhappy couples in this country (I had grown up
in a happy family in Germany and came to the US with my (then) wife and children in 1995), but also why my girlfriend had moved out. I realized that
her leaving me was neither her nor my fault, but an inevitable consequence of our different perspectives and levels of development.

I thought, surely others must have applied Wilber’s model to love relationships, but to my surprise there were no books or writings that did. None
of my friends, some of them relationship book authors, Integral pioneers, therapists, spiritual teachers, and workshop leaders, had heard of any
such application either, but were all very interested and encouraged me to write down my thoughts.

In the process of developing this manual I attempted to describe Wilber’s fascinating insights in a more accessible way for newcomers and
made several extensions to his model that may be of interest to readers who are already familiar with his work.

However when I shared my ideas with women that I dated, I realized that most of them were more interested in chemistry with a successful man
than in considering and integrating the multiple dimensions that are vital to a healthy love relationship. I quickly learned that walking my talk by being
genuinely curious and meeting women with understanding and compassion as an opposite and equal was more conducive to creating the intimate
connection that I was yearning for than sharing my Integral knowledge. As I explored how the Integral Model applied to relationships, my love life
improved significantly and many of the women that I dated became my friends instead of breaking my heart. This led me to the decision to write this
manual for men.

I call it a manual because it is all about how to, rather than me too. After this preface, I won’t bore you with any more “I” statements, details of my
life, or stories about others. Instead, this manual will provide you with a practical map that you can use; a comprehensive analysis of male-female
relationships in the context of Ken Wilber’s Integral Model.

The manual’s purpose is simple and clear: to make you familiar with the Integral Relationship Model and how its application will support you in
improving all your relationships, especially romantic relationships with women, no matter whether you are currently single or with a partner.