Impulse: The Science of Sex and Desire

257 Pages·2023·1.234 MB·English

by  Jon E. Grant

IMPULSE
Sexiseverywhereinmodernsociety,yetitremainstaboo.Weall
havequestionsaboutsexthataretoouncomfortabletoask–how
do we get reliable answers? In this go-to guide, Drs. Grant and
Chamberlain use their clinical expertise to answer the questions
youwishyoucouldaskaboutsex.Questionslike:Ismysexdrive
orsexbehaviornormal?Cansomeonehavetoomuchsex?Ortoo
little?HowhasInternetdatingandpornographychangedsex?
This go-to guide will help you understand common sexual
issues,knowwhentoworry(ornot)aboutdifferentsexualbehav-
iors,andlearnhowoursexlivesadapttochangingtechnologyor
intimes of crisis. It also provides step-by-step advice for dealing
witharangeofsexualissues,andpracticalstrategiesforstrength-
eningrelationships.
jon e. grant is a Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral
NeuroscienceattheUniversityofChicagowherehedirectsaclinic
and research laboratory on addictive, compulsive, and impulsive
disorders.
samuel r. chamberlain is a Professor of Psychiatry at the
UniversityofSouthampton.Hisresearchandclinicalworkfocus
on the neurobiology and treatment of behaviourally addictive
disorders–includingcompulsivesexualbehaviorproblems.
Published online by Cambridge University Press
Published online by Cambridge University Press
I M P U L S E
THE SCIENCE OF SEX AND DESIRE
JON E. GRANT
SAMUEL R. CHAMBERLAIN
Published online by Cambridge University Press
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Informationonthistitle:www.cambridge.org/9781009107976
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AcataloguerecordforthispublicationisavailablefromtheBritishLibrary.
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Names:Grant,JonE.,author.|Chamberlain,Samuel,author.
Title:Sexanddesire:thesciencebehindourimpulses/JonE.Grant,UniversityofChicago,
SamuelR.Chamberlain,UniversityofCambridge.
Description:Firstedition.|Cambridge,UnitedKingdom;NewYork,NY:Cambridge
UniversityPress,2023.|Includesbibliographicalreferencesandindex.
Identifiers:LCCN2022012251(print)|LCCN2022012252(ebook)|ISBN9781009107976
(paperback)|ISBN9781009106139(ebook)
Subjects:LCSH:Sex(Psychology)|Sex–Socialaspects.|Desire.
Classification:LCCBF692.G6772023(print)|LCCBF692(ebook)|DDC155.3–dc23/eng/
20220503
LCrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/2022012251
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Published online by Cambridge University Press
contents
1. Introduction page1
2. SexandDesire 12
3. DevelopmentIssuesaroundSex 30
4. HealthySex 51
5. TooLittleSex 72
6. TooMuchSex 98
7. SexandPhysicalHealth 127
8. Drinking,Drugs,andSex 148
9. RelationshipProblems 168
10. SexandDigitalTechnology 177
11. DiverseAspectsofSex 195
v
Published online by Cambridge University Press
contents
12. SexandPandemics 211
Appendix:ListofResources 221
SelectedLiteratureandFurther
Reading 224
Index 237
vi
Published online by Cambridge University Press
1
Introduction
For most of us, sex is important. Some of our first close
friendshipsareinitiatedwhenwediscusssex–adolescent
boys and girls navigating puberty and sexual desires. We
may spend countless hours fantasizing about and planning
our first sexual experience. Dating for many becomes an
important rite of passage. As adults, we look for partners
whocanprovideasatisfyingsexualexperience.Infact,most
peoplehavetheirfirstsexualexperiencelongbeforetheyfall
in love or meet a long-term partner. Sex means different
things to different people, and within the same person, sex
means different things to us at different times in our lives
and changes based on emotional development and life
stages.Simplyput,sexiscomplicated.
Eveninnonphysicalways,sexseemstopermeateour
everydaylives.Moviesandtelevisionseriesaremoreenticing
ifthereisasexualtheme.Jokesandconversationsareriddled
with double entendres. Magazine covers, news, and advert-
isementssellthemselvesorproductsusinghalf-nakedpeople
by alluding to fantasies of sex or in many cases graphically
tellingusaboutpeople’ssexlives.Sexisobviouslymorethan
just a physical act. It also incorporates psychological, social,
political,andevenspiritualdimensions.
Why is sex so important? The University of
Michigan conducted a national poll on healthy aging and
foundthatmostolderadults(76percent)reportedthatsexis
1
https://doi.org/10.1017/9781009106139.001 Published online by Cambridge University Press
impulse: the science of sex and desire
animportantpartofaromanticrelationshipatanyage.The
Center for Sexual Health Promotion at the Indiana
University School of Public Health has been conducting
surveys on sexual health for years, and they recently found
thatamongadolescents,approximately81percentdescribed
their sexual behavior as anywhere from moderately to
extremely pleasurable. Across the lifespan, it appears that
for many, sex can be characterized as rewarding.
“Rewarding” can mean many things and sex delivers most
of them (although sexual reward can be very different for
eachperson).Sexgetsourheartsracing;wefeeljoy,exhilar-
ation, calm, and/or peace. It allows us to escape problems
andforgetaboutbills,relatives,andissuesatwork.Forafew
minutes or hours, we can feel transported; we feel needed,
loved, wanted, and desired. Sex allows us to bond with
another person. It is a great mix of reality (the physical
nature of sex) melded with the fantasy lives of most of us
(wecanbelievewearesexyevenifpudgyandoutofshape;
we believe our partner is amazing even if we know little
about them). This is all very rewarding, and this type of
reward is more potent and potentially more reinforcing
than most other types of behavior. Andso sexis one of the
mostrewardingbehaviorswecanengagein,andthatreward
thenleadsustowantmoresex.
The topic of sex also raises issues regarding the
complex interplay between the physical and the mental
worlds. Part of sex is obviously physical. Our bodies get
stimulated and we respond wanting greater stimulation
andultimatelyrelease.Theotherpartofsex,however,exists
in our mental universe or space. Beginning in adolescence,
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https://doi.org/10.1017/9781009106139.001 Published online by Cambridge University Press
introduction
sex is forged in fantasy. Some have said that a great sex life
dependsuponagreatfantasylife.JustinLehmiller,authorof
thebookTellMeWhatYouWant,reportsthat97percentof
Americansfantasizeaboutsex.Howthementalinformsthe
physicallysexualandviceversaiscomplicated.Somepeople
tell themselves they are in love in order to have fulfilling
sexual experiences – are they in love? Does it matter what
theytellthemselves?Peoplemayhavedifficultieshavingsex
when they are angry at each other – why? Are there differ-
ences between people who can have sex while angry with
theirpartnersandthosethatcannot?Sexandsexualityraise
manydifficultbutinterestingquestions.
Thiscomplexinteractionbetweenthepsychological
andthephysicalseemstostartwhensexualdesirebegins.At
puberty, sex seems often to carry with it the baggage of
insecurity. Am I sexually attractive? Are my breasts/penis
large enough? Am I more attractive than the other boys or
girls? How do I know if I am a good kisser? These mental
gymnastics associated with sex begin at puberty and last
most of our lives. Even when partnered as adults, people
frequentlyhavedoubtsrevolvingaroundsex.AmIstillsexy
to my significant other? Is my sex life as exciting as that of
my friends? Would having a more athletic or thinner body
mean better sex? Do I perform as well sexually as my best
friends? Do I get as much sex as my best friends, and even
the“average”person?
Whydoessomethingasrewardingandenjoyableas
sex seem to produce such insecurities? Why do people
always seem to have so many questions about sex? In part,
we struggle with understanding sex due to its very
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https://doi.org/10.1017/9781009106139.001 Published online by Cambridge University Press