Table Of Content

; * \Xfoi*\y n'd* Jou/uy^t , -j/ v.,: ,M <?, f / :-:. 22* magazine i a literary artsjournal spring 2005 magazine 1 is a student publication of Mount Wachusett Community College Gardner, Massachusetts magazine i editorial staff Leah Jablonski April Clemence Brian Moorhead Erin Cannell Jonathan Mangsen Cheryl Legere JanVanVaerenewyck NickySmith coverdesign andlayout Kevin Shields faculty advisor MichelleValois special people who deserve thanks Dr. Richard Shine, Professor Susan Blake, Professor Susan Goldstein, Admissions, Student GovernmentAssociation, Computer Graphic Design, Professor Leslie Cullen, Professor Bob Mayer, Professor Meg Gillis, Gail Kaddy, Ruth Thibodeau, Joan Croteau, SandyArsenault, and Greg Clement table ofcontents fiction Cheryl Legere Sometimes 6 Erica Brown FarFrom Lincoln 11 Nicole Robarge Leaping 18 LeahJablonski Foundation 27 Erin Cannell Broken in Baltimore 52 ErinCannell Brokenin Baltimore II: Beyond Repair 61 BrianMoorhead TheOdysseyofDJ 92 poetrv Jacqueline Dunham asleep intheleaves 16 JanVanVaerenewyck TheWayItWasn't 32 JanVanVaerenewyck The Pond 33 JanVanVaerenewyck The Blues 34 Cheryl Legere hepreferredtocallit redemption 44 Cheryl Legere iknewthenumberbut neverdialedthephone 45 Cheryl Legere inkrefillcartridges 47 Cheryl Legere permanenceismore substantialthannoise 48 Cheryl Legere sarcasmsaysthattalking isoverrated 49 Cassie DiConza TheNever-EndingStory 70 CrystalNewkirk Deceived 71 Michael D. Lozeau AMessagefromMe toYou 80 LauraBettez The EternalFight 84 AprilClemence OpenYourSouland Be Free 85 AprilClemence QuestionsThat RunWild 86 AprilClemence NightSong 87 Kristie Rines Forrest 88 Kristie Rines TheCloset 89 LarryCollette TouchingHands 90 Daryl Peirce WinterWaltz 131 RuthA.Vega Cask 132 RuthA.Vega DragonFly 133 IanFrisch HowYou'reFed 134 IanFrisch PlanetaryAffairs 135 CoreyFitzgerald Love 136 CoreyFitzgerald TheMomentofTruth inStories 137 MikeMartin Re-InventingBeauty 138 drama CassieDiConza The DrippingCanvas 23 JacquelineDunham FateSteps In 72 nonfiction CherylFeeney TheWelcomedHand 36 Todd Bowditch GrowingOldandStaying Young 40 Debra Boucher SheStood 81 JonathanMangsen RoadtoMarathon 125 bestof101 essavcontestwinners Jason Lizotte LifeandDeath (istplace) 114 ShannonStickney StandingTall (2ndplace) 118 AllyssaKvenvold Balance (3rdplace) 122 photographyandartwork Chris Luniewicz Motion 22 Bryan Killellea Waterfall 35 DanLaCruz Holes 43 KateyCarlson Bridge 51 Shawn Swedberg Bleacher 60 Vilayphet Kruoch Bleachers 83 AmandaHoward TractorSeat 91 Sarah Benson Tree 113 ChrisAho Solarization 124 ChrisAho Handdev 139 ANOTE ONTHE PHOTOGRAPHS Allstudentimages aredigitalimages (students of BCT115, Digital Photography) exceptforChrisAho's. Chrisis astudentofBCT226AdvancedPhotography. Bothofhisimages originatedas acolorslide. The slidewasputintotheenlargerandareversed, negative-likeimagewascreatedonstandard photographicpaper. In"Solarization,"theprintwas exposedtoadditionallightduringthedeveloping process,whichcausedthewhiteareas oftheprintto turnsilvergray. In"Handdev," Chris dippedhishand inthedeveloperinsteadoftheprint. Hethenplaced hishandontheprintandhelditthereforalittle over aminute. Theresultisthattheprintonlydeveloped wherehisdeveloper-coatedhandtouched. ProfessorBobMayer CHERYLLEGERE Sometimes Lifehasnoplot. Itisastorymadeup ofamillion differentunrelatedmoments. Ithasnobeginningandno end,justamassive andoverlydrawn-outmiddle. Onanygivenday, I amsittinginaroomsurrounded bythepeoplethatIknow. Onanygivenday,theyareliving onelineofonepageofthis story. Thereis noclimax. There isnoreason. Thereisnopurpose. Lifeistobelivedandnot thought. Wearewhatmakeslifewhatitis. We arewhat inspiresdrippingcolors onacanvas. Wearethereasonfor poeticwords onapieceofapaper. Wearewordsto asong andmusicfordancing. Thesearethethingsthatmakeus whatweare. Andeventually,thestorywillwriteitself. Sometimesthereisnoreasontohaveareason. Iknowagirlwhohas alotofboyfriends. Iguessthat there'snothingreallywrongwiththat, exceptthatnoneof herboyfriendsknowaboutherotherboyfriends. Sometimes theyfindoutabouteachotherandleaveher, exceptforthe onesthatshe'sfuckingbecausethoseonesneverreallycared allthatmuchaboutheranyway. Sheisjustsextothem. She meansnothing. Sheisamindless machine. Sheisanempty body. Sheisdispensablematter. Shestillconfusestheactof sexwiththeconceptoflove. Theyarenottwoseparate entities. Thereisnolineinbetweenthen. Ithinkthatinthe backofherheadsheknowsthatjustbecausetheyfuckher, it doesn'tmeantheyloveher. Theirwordsareempty, sotheir actionsare allthat'slefttofillherhollowframe. Ithinkshe triestokeepthetruth asfarbackinhermindasshecan, becauseallshe'sreallyeverwantedwasforsomeonetolove her. Shewantsthekindoflovethatyoucanfeelinside, a sweetnauseousstomachandaheartpoundingviolently againstiswhitebonecage. Iwonderwhyshesleepswithboysthatdon'trespect her. I askherwhyshe stayswithboysthatwillneverhave theabilitytoloveher. Heransweris alwaysthesame: ifshe hasn'tfoundloveyet,thenwhat'sitmatterwhoshe'sfucking while shelooks? Sometimes sexisjustsex, andnothingmore. Iusedtohave afriendthatwas addictedtodrugs. Sheisn'treallymyfriendanymorebecausedrugsturnedher intoadifferentpersonafterawhile. Theyhavethe abilityto takeovereverythingthatusedtomakeyouwhoyouwere, andtheyturnyouintosomethingcompletelydifferent. You'reawalking,talking,barelybreathingversionofwhat youusedtobe. It'slikesomeonetookagirl I usedtoknow andhollowedoutherbodysothattheycouldfillitupwith powders andpills. Itwasn'talwaysthisbad. Atfirst, shejust wantedtogethighwithherfriendsontheweekend. Eventually, itturnedinto gettinghighbyherselfonthe weekend. Soonenoughitwasn'tevenaboutwantingtoget high,butitwasmoreaboutneedingtogethigh. Itwasn'tfor thesakeoffunorenlightenmentanymore. Itwasn'tdesire orenjoyment. Itwasimperative. Itwasvital. Itwas necessity. Everyonehas areasonfordoingdrugs, andherswas sothatshewouldn'tfeel. Everyonegoesthroughapointin theirlifewhenthingsgettobetoomuchtohandle, andher escapewasto sendpoisonthroughherbodyatrapidspeeds sothatmaybe, evenifjustforafewhours, she'dbenumb. It'sweirdhowsomepeopleescapeintodrugsand eventuallyfindtheirwayout. It'sweirdhowsomepeopleget lostandnevercomeback. Sometimeswejustneedto allowourselvestofeel whateveritiswefeel. Iusedtoknowaboy, andIwasinlovewithhim. He lovedmetoo,buthewastooscaredtosayit. Thefour-letter wordwouldjustshakeinhismouthandgetcaughtinsideof histhroat. Ithidbehindhisteeth, showingjustenoughfor metoseewithouthimactuallyhavingtospeak. Loveisone ofthosethingsthatyoujustsee insomeone's eyes. It'sthe waythelightreflects ofthem. It'ssomethingthatradiates outwardsforeveryoneelsetosee. Hewasthekindofboy thatwasperfecteventhoughhewasn't. Hecouldbe thoughtless, andaggravating, andhewassoconfusingallof thetime; butgod, didIlovehim. Eventually,things ended betweenus. Ithinkthatitwasmostlymyfault. Iwasamess thathedidn'twantto cleanup. Iwasmorethanhewanted andlessthanheneeded. Sometimesheartsbreak. IhavethispictureofthetwoofusthatIlookat sometimeswhenImisshim. Ihavethis awkwardclosed mouthsmilenexttohiswhitepicketfenceofteeth. Our crimsoncoloredlipsnexttoourtwoperfectlyhiddensetsof love-struckhips. I'mtryingtomatchthegreeninmyeyes withthegreeninhis. Sometimes Iwanttoforgetthe paleness ofhisskin, andthesweetness ofhis smile. And thoseeyes,thosebeautifulfuckingeyes. Ijustwanttoforget them. Sometimeslifeisgoodmemories, andsometimeslife ismemoriesthatwewanttoerase. I'vegotthis allsavedonafourbysixinchpieceof glossypaper. Butsometimes, Ijustwanttoforget. Ihaveafriendwhotakestwopills adaytosmile. In hermind, happinessis anunreachablegoalwithouttheir assistance. Hertherapistsaysthatshe's depressed, andthat the onlywayshecanfeelbetterisbyswallowingdown a doctor-prescribeddosageofProzac, orZoloft, orsomeother mind-numbing,happiness-inducing drug. Happinessisnolongersunshineandfun-filleddays. Happiness is a400-milligramdosetaken3timesadaywith aglassofwater. Iwish Iknewwhenweallstartedneeding somuchtosurvive. Weneedpillstobehappy. Weneedsex tofeelloved. Weneeddrugstofeelnumb. Weneedmoney tofeelsuccessful. Weneedtogetgoodgrades andget acceptedbytherightcollegeandlandourselvesinthe perfectjob. WeneedtodrivethatluxurySUVbacktoour beautifulhousewith atwo-cargaragetoseeourperfect husbandorwifetofeellikeourliveshaveactuallymeant anything. There's apilltosmile,there's apilltofuck,there's apilltomakeyouprettier, apilltoloseweight, apillto calm youdown, apilltobreathe, apilltolive. Weneedallofthis orelsewefeellikeourworldswillseeminglyfallapart. We'rebecomingyourdishwashers,yourtelevisions,your radios, andyourcomputers. Weare appliancesthatneedto bepluggedin. Wearenolongerwantordesire. We are necessity. We aredependentondependency. Isn'tthatlife,though? Sometimeslife isneedy.