Table Of Content

Alien interior 11/5/03 3:22 AM Page 1 I K N O W W H Y the aliens don’t land! Alien interior 11/5/03 3:22 AM Page 2 Other Titles by Norm De Plume Peeing On The Side of The Road Less Traveled Honorable Mention: My Life of Failure and the Ribbons I Wear Armchair Psychology for the Self-Help Addict Anger Management for Dummies Free Space: The Real Life Story of a Bingo Queen The Idiot’s Guide To Gettin’ Laid! Alien interior 11/5/03 3:22 AM Page 3 I K N O W W H Y the aliens don’t land! Jeremy Vaeni Kynegion House Alien interior 11/5/03 3:22 AM Page 4 Kynegion House © 2003 Jeremy Vaeni All rights reserved. ISBN 0-9746854-0-2 Cover design: Raphael Lino Printed in Canada Alien interior 11/5/03 3:22 AM Page 5 To Whitley Strieber, without whom I might not be here today…and to my father, without whom I would not. Alien interior 11/5/03 3:22 AM Page 6 Alien interior 11/5/03 3:22 AM Page 7 Acknowledgments Special thanks to Jim Marrs for having the courage to review something slightly left of his field; Whitley Strieber for showing me how to work around copyright issues. The Hartford Courant for use of their article, and Ken Wilbur for leading me to Krishnamurti, who lead me to…. Very special thanks to Khurram Hussain who, when asked if this collection of pages even works as a book, not only said yes but got—and kept—the ball rolling on its pro- duction; to Raphael Lino, who drew the ball for less than food; and to Kim Kahne and Umber Libero, who proofed…um…the ball. (Does that work in the metaphor? I can never tell.) Also, Ahren Patrick, thank you for the sex— funding! Thank you for the funding! Finally, to Edwin Vaeni for his early support of my cre- ative endeavors; Mary Vaeni for her later support of my cre- ative endeavors, and Kara-Lynn Vaeni for raising the bar on what it means to create. This book is too self-involved to say what is always true: I LOVE YOU. 7 Alien interior 11/5/03 3:22 AM Page 8 Alien interior 11/5/03 3:22 AM Page 9 Pro logue Jeremy and I first became aware of one another in the sum- mer of 1994. I thought he was a strange fellow right off the bat. We shared political and comic sensibilities but he had something else in him, some unnamable thing. A quality? A concern? I never bothered to ask. At the time I was working on a crude answer to author Dave Barry’s witless claptrap hogging up space on book- shelves at unsuspecting stores. My witless claptrap was titled, Not Just Another Lame Humor Book. Sadly it was never published. That’s the main reason why when Jeremy caught up with me in December 2000 and asked me to help him with this project, I was an easy recruit. He told me my role would be as an interviewer in a book about him. Naturally I had to ask, “A book about you? You’re twenty-seven years old! What could you possibly have to say?” He smiled at me and told me I could have a whole section to write whatever I wanted. I had no idea what my rantings could possibly have to do with him, but…okay. I was in. Honestly what, though? Here is a man who used to come up with twisted truisms like, “Beauty is only fat deep,” and “He who shampoos his pubic hair never gets laid.” Here is a man who would make funny offhanded racist and sexist remarks in one breath, yet in the next denounce not only racism and sexism but also people who make those kinds of jokes then hide their obvious prejudices behind the word “joke.” I called him a hypocrite once and he said, “No. Fart jokes and witticisms are both that entity called ‘comedy.’ Comedy is comedy.” That was it. You know what would make a great joke is if this thing 9