I Know Why The Aliens Don’t Land!

386 Pages·2003·2.97 MB·English

by  Jeremy Vaeni

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I K N O W W H Y
the aliens don’t land!
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Other Titles by Norm De Plume
Peeing On The Side of The Road Less Traveled
Honorable Mention: My Life of Failure
and the Ribbons I Wear
Armchair Psychology for the Self-Help Addict
Anger Management for Dummies
Free Space: The Real Life Story
of a Bingo Queen
The Idiot’s Guide To Gettin’ Laid!
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I K N O W W H Y
the aliens don’t land!
Jeremy Vaeni
Kynegion House
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Kynegion House
© 2003 Jeremy Vaeni
All rights reserved.
ISBN 0-9746854-0-2
Cover design: Raphael Lino
Printed in Canada
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To Whitley Strieber, without whom I might not be here
today…and to my father, without whom I would not.
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Acknowledgments
Special thanks to Jim Marrs for having the courage to
review something slightly left of his field; Whitley Strieber
for showing me how to work around copyright issues. The
Hartford Courant for use of their article, and Ken Wilbur for
leading me to Krishnamurti, who lead me to….
Very special thanks to Khurram Hussain who, when
asked if this collection of pages even works as a book, not
only said yes but got—and kept—the ball rolling on its pro-
duction; to Raphael Lino, who drew the ball for less than
food; and to Kim Kahne and Umber Libero, who
proofed…um…the ball. (Does that work in the metaphor? I
can never tell.) Also, Ahren Patrick, thank you for the sex—
funding! Thank you for the funding!
Finally, to Edwin Vaeni for his early support of my cre-
ative endeavors; Mary Vaeni for her later support of my cre-
ative endeavors, and Kara-Lynn Vaeni for raising the bar on
what it means to create. This book is too self-involved to say
what is always true: I LOVE YOU.
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Pro logue
Jeremy and I first became aware of one another in the sum-
mer of 1994. I thought he was a strange fellow right off the
bat. We shared political and comic sensibilities but he had
something else in him, some unnamable thing. A quality?
A concern? I never bothered to ask.
At the time I was working on a crude answer to author
Dave Barry’s witless claptrap hogging up space on book-
shelves at unsuspecting stores. My witless claptrap was
titled, Not Just Another Lame Humor Book. Sadly it was
never published. That’s the main reason why when
Jeremy caught up with me in December 2000 and asked
me to help him with this project, I was an easy recruit. He
told me my role would be as an interviewer in a book
about him. Naturally I had to ask, “A book about you?
You’re twenty-seven years old! What could you possibly
have to say?” He smiled at me and told me I could have a
whole section to write whatever I wanted. I had no idea
what my rantings could possibly have to do with him,
but…okay. I was in.
Honestly what, though? Here is a man who used to come
up with twisted truisms like, “Beauty is only fat deep,” and
“He who shampoos his pubic hair never gets laid.” Here is
a man who would make funny offhanded racist and sexist
remarks in one breath, yet in the next denounce not only
racism and sexism but also people who make those kinds
of jokes then hide their obvious prejudices behind the
word “joke.”
I called him a hypocrite once and he said, “No. Fart jokes
and witticisms are both that entity called ‘comedy.’ Comedy
is comedy.”
That was it.
You know what would make a great joke is if this thing
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