Humble: Free Yourself from the Traps of a Narcissistic World

308 Pages·2022·4.666 MB·English

by  Daryl Van Tongeren

“Makes a persuasive case for
being honest about your weaknesses—
and shows how that can be
a source of strength.”
—adam grant, #1 New York Times–
bestselling author of Think Again
THE
QUIET POWER
OF AN ANCIENT
VIRTUE
humble
Free Yourself from the Traps
of a Narcissistic World
D A R Y L V A N T O N G E R E N , Ph D
$26.95 US
$35.95 CAN
It’s time to rethink humility—
as your greatest strength.
Daryl Van Tongeren is a leading re-
searcher on the science of humility.
In Humble, he gives this unassum-
ing trait a much-needed rebrand, ex-
plaining why the humble enjoy a more
secure sense of self, handle challenges
better, and, indeed, are often the people
we like the most.
That’s not to say Van Tongeren has
mastered humility. (When he asked his
wife to rate him on a scale from 1 to 10,
she gave him a 4.) But in a world where
narcissism is on the rise—where the
shameless dominate social media and
getting noticed is considered key to get-
ting ahead—it’s not surprising that we all
have a bit of work to do on our sometimes
self-sabotaging egos.
In its true sense, humbleness is the
happy medium between self-denial and
self-obsession: It grants the holder an ac-
curate view of reality. By seeing where we
have room to improve, we can grow. By
admitting our doubts, we can learn. And
by acknowledging our own worldview as
one among many, we can truly connect
with others despite our differences.
A thought-provoking call to reexamine
our values, Humble signals a paradigm
shift—from the “self-esteem movement”
run amok to a better world in which we
lift up one another.
acclaim for
humble
“In a world filled with overconfidence, there’s no virtue
more underrated than humility. In this lucid, thoughtful
book, a leading expert makes a persuasive case for being
honest about your weaknesses—and shows how that can
be a source of strength.”
—adam grant, #1 New York Times–bestselling author of
Think Again and host of the podcast WorkLife
“It used to be that humility was one of the most underestimated
of the virtues. Not anymore. Following the latest science, Daryl
Van Tongeren shines light on this ancient, old-fashioned virtue
in a brand-new way. Unpacking the many meanings, layers,
and levels of humility, he clearly and compellingly
demonstrates why it is so necessary in today’s world. Humility
appears to be so small, so modest, so unassuming, so humble.
But we should not be deceived by its appearance.”
—robert emmons, editor-in-chief of The Journal of
Positive Psychology and author of The Little Book of Gratitude
“Narcissism and self-promotion have seduced millions into
wasting their lives, pretending to be someone they’re not.
But Dr. Van Tongeren shows us a way out: the ancient
virtue of humility. If you’re tired of the superficiality of
modern life, Humble has the antidote. It’s a road map for
getting our feet back on the ground.”
—daniel z. lieberman, MD, coauthor of
The Molecule of More
“It’s a delightfully ironic fact of science: when you understand
the power of humility, you discover a more self-confident way
to engage with the world. A superior self through
selflessness—who knew?”
—michael e. long, coauthor of The Molecule of More
“We live in a world where big egos stand out and
seemingly get rewarded. In his fantastic new book,
Dr. Van Tongeren makes a compelling case for humility as
a virtue: It is not about avoiding life, but about confronting
ourselves, our relationships, and our world with openness
and willingness to accept that we do not hold all the
answers. Humble can inspire growth and make for a
truly rich life.”
—w. keith campbell, PhD, author of
The New Science of Narcissism
“An enlightening book on a neglected virtue. Backed by
scientific research and leavened with helpful anecdotes,
Van Tongeren makes a convincing case that humility can
improve how we see (and treat) ourselves, others, and the
world around us.”
—michael mccullough, professor of psychology,
University of California, San Diego, and author of
The Kindness of Strangers
humble
Also by DAryl VAn Tongeren, PhD
The Courage to Suffer
with Sara A. Showalter Van Tongeren
humble
Free Yourself from the Traps
of a Narcissistic World
DA RY L VA N TO N G E R E N , P h D
new york
Humble: Free Yourself from the Traps of a Narcissistic World
Copyright © 2022 by Daryl Van Tongeren, PhD
All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper,
magazine, radio, television, or online reviews, no portion of this book may
be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means,
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THE EXPERIMENT and its colophon are registered trademarks of The
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available upon request
ISBN 978-1-61519-857-3
Ebook ISBN 978-1-61519-858-0
Jacket and text design by Jack Dunnington
Author photograph by Anna Stubbs Photography
Manufactured in the United States of America
First printing June 2022
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
For Sara
Contents
Introduction | What Is Humility? .................................1
PART I
The Benefits of Humility
CHAPTER 1 | Awareness and Acceptance ....................23
CHAPTER 2 | Authentic Relationships ........................43
CHAPTER 3 | Ambition and Achievement ...................65
PART II
Cultivating Humility
CHAPTER 4 | Seeking Feedback ................................85
CHAPTER 5 | Reducing Defensiveness ...................... 111
CHAPTER 6 | Building Empathy ............................. 135
CHAPTER 7 | The Importance of Self-Regulation ....... 155